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Here's to you, Ms....Damnit I Can't Even Bring Myself to Call You a Name! That Sucks!!!
February 28, 2005
7:57 pm
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Anonymous
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***Warning: If reading the "F" word offends you, "Run, Forrest, run...!"***

Okay. Here's the thing. I, too, would like to be fucking pissed off at my ex. Although my ex is a "she" not a "he" it would be nice if I could have some fantasies about the $150 strap-on that I bought for our Honeymoon rotting off but what would she care? She used it on me for Fuck's Sake!!! So I guess I'm pissed because I'm not pissed at her.

Yes. Today is her birthday and I bought her a present. Yes. I called her and talked to her fucking answering machine for the 8th day in a row to tell her Happy Birthday because it seemed like the right thing to do. Yes. I'm still in love with her and I don't want her to ask to have me back because I don't trust her as far as I could fucking kick her little hairy ass--I just want her to fucking acknowledge that she fucked up a beautiful thing with her petty insecurities and jealousy bullshit.

And besides that, she hurt me and made me cry--a LOT. Now that might sound kind of sarcastic but I'm serious as a fucking heart attack here, I'm not kidding. She hurt the hell out of me and now she is with someone else, less than 3 months after dumping my ass while I continue to hurt and cry. That is fucked up. It is fucked up that I don't stop crying about her. Goddamn. Get the fucking hint, Ren'ai. She is done with you. I do get it, I just don't want to. It hurts too much.

I want to be over her. Completely over her. As in "Never-Ending Sunshine in the Spotless Mind" or whatever the fuck that movie was called over her. Over her, over her. Know what I mean? I know you know what I mean.

There.

That's it.

Ren'ai

February 28, 2005
8:13 pm
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peacesoul
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The only way to get over her is STOP ALL CONTACT !
There is no use in going back and knocking yourself on the head over and over to get her attention.
The only way you are going to move on and heal is to let her go and do not contact her.
It's the contact that will keep you going nuts.
I don't want my ex back either cause he is a dirt bag but yet I still love him. I am slowly figuring out it's not love I feel, it's addiction to what we had. The addiction to the roller coaster ride of the shitty relationship.
I thank GOD I have no contact with my ex (my choice) because my pride is stronger than my need.

Good luck

February 28, 2005
8:51 pm
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ron9871
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yes peaceful we need to detach im starting today its the only way

February 28, 2005
9:01 pm
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readyforachange
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ditto...detach, detach, detach....and focus on yourself.

February 28, 2005
9:18 pm
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If any of you kind folks get a chance, please hop over to the Lib. Brew and read the other long thread title that I can't even remember. It's about a "baby step" I took last week...

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 28, 2005
9:51 pm
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addicts wife
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oh ren'ai...
Im sorry you're feeling that way, Ive felt it sooo manytimes.
And good for you for F-ing venting!!!! 🙂

Try to focus on yourself, and detatch, make it like two of the fluffy sides of velcro, and let the scratchy , itchy side goooooooooo.
(easier said than done,. I know..) but we are here for ya'
Ill check out the lib.brew side.
take it easy, hun.
~Awww

March 1, 2005
10:57 am
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Dear AW,

Thanks for your response here and on the other thread. It did a lot for my ego, which I guess is suffering more than I want to admit since my break up.

I changed the password to my email to "Let (her name) go" and so I have to type it over and over throughout the course of the day.

Today I'm not going to call or email her--I think...

Love to you, AW. I appreciate the way so many of you can be supportive while going through your own difficulties!

Ren'ai

March 1, 2005
11:18 am
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carbuff
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That is the movie I was watching with my wife on sunday night (see seperated). Anyway it was depressing but interesting at the same time.
The only thing you can do is work on yourself. When the girl I was engaged to (over 18 years ago) broke up with me after 3 years I was devistated. She had a boyfriend as well. I cut off all contact and went back to college. I met my wife (now seperated) the next year. It is not easy and I am going through it again.

March 1, 2005
11:35 am
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Ren'ai- It will get better, when I have no idea.

I can see it now though, you will meet another wonderful person, and be so ecstatic with them, and be so in love and then she will come back, saying sorry I made a mistake and you will say, ohh that ship sailed crashed and sunk, sorry.

You don't need to call her a name to know you have gotten over her, I have seen though that when you just stop thinking obsessing, and thinking it might work out, that you let go little by little until there is nothing left anymore.

March 1, 2005
2:49 pm
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I guess I know I don't necessarily "need" to call her a name. I just wish I didn't cringe inside when someone else does. My best friend is pissed at my ex and calls her a bitch or says "You know what? Fuck her!" when more shit goes on and I'm hurting. My daughter can't stand her and calls her a fucking bitch all the time. I end up giving the "That's not nice" speech, or I just cringe inwardly. It actually hurts me to hear others speak ill of this woman who hurt me so deeply.

How fucked up is that?

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, when she first dumped me, I called her a lot of names, even to her face. I was given these antiques--a couple of beds, small tables, a big table, a couple of over-stuffed chairs. I had to get them to "our" house in two separate trips. The last load of furniture I took to her was on Dec. 19th and that's when she dumped me. Then, like a fucking ass, I help her unload the furniture and leave the next day. I just thought we would get back together, you know?

That night of my arrival, she met me at the door, drew me to her and kissed me like I have never been kissed before. I couldn't even hold my purse. I dropped everything to the floor and we stood there, passionately lip-locked. Time seemed to stand still. We retreated into the guest room where the TV, DVD player and VCR that I gave her were kept at the time. She just casually told me that she wanted a year long separation, no contact at all whatsoever and I couldn't believe it. I honestly thought she was kidding at first. The more I couldn't take it in, the more insistant she was and I just lost it. I had what I like to refer to as a disciplined breakdown.

We drank the wine that we were saving for our first anniversary, which would have been Feb. 2nd. I told her if she was breaking up with me I might as well enjoy that wine. We got high. I made love to her. I slept for a couple of hours.

My GOD on Feb. 15th she told me she still loved me--despite the fact that she has a new girlfriend already, then she sends me an email telling me that she can't tell me she loves me anymore because that would be "cheating" on her new girlfriend. What the fuck? She is cheating on me, not her new girlfriend! Goddamnit I'm the one she "married!"

She hasn't emailed me, returned any of my phone calls, or answered the phone when I've called since Feb. 19th--FOUR days after she last told me that she loved me.

I just don't get it. I love her. I know she is still in love with me. What the fuck is she doing here? Enlighten me...

I know I need to say that I did fuck someone else after she broke up with me, and when the subject came up, I told her. She claims I cheated on her...

Go figure...

Love to all,

Ren'ai

March 2, 2005
11:17 am
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Okay.

She is as cruel as she can be loving.

I'm getting there...

Ren'ai

March 2, 2005
1:23 pm
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Ren'ai

Sounds like she is playing a lot of games with your emotions. Why kiss you like that then take you in a room and break up with you but then let you make love to her. There are so many contradictions to what she wants. She says she loves you but is seeing someone else then says she can't say it cause it's not fair to her new lover. Wow, she's a player. What happens when the new one is gone...then she loves you again and it's ok to say it?

I am like you in defending people I know I shouldn't. I can bitch and bitch and bitch about my ex but let someone else say something bad about him and I'll defend him.

You deserve so much better than to be treated like this.

t

March 2, 2005
5:45 pm
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I want to say that she is as confused as I am--wants me one minute, pushes me away the next. I don't want to believe there is anything malicious about what she is doing, no matter how much it hurts me.

I made mistakes in my relationship with her. A LOT of them. Some I'm ready to cop to, others I can't even write about yet. But damn, I tried. I have never worked so hard for so long for anything in my life! Pity, that. I should be willing to work that hard for me!

I know you've been reading all my shit over there on the Lib. Brew side, so you know I'm not some sweet little peach. I'm more like a pineapple, all spiney--or a coconut--Ha!

She actually has a printed copy of "The Downward Spiral." She's the only person I ever gave it to. She wanted to write a book so I shared some of my writings with her. Hell, she wanted me to help her write it! I wonder now if her new girlfriend will be so giving...

Her birthday was a couple of days ago. My friend took me out to lunch, I think to distract me from obsessing about the ex and feeling so depressed. I was bitching and whining about her as always and I said "When she finds out that she can't have the kind of connection with her new girlfriend that she had with me, she's going to try to get me to go back with her." And my friend said to me "If you really love her, then when it happens, you better take her back."

At the same time, there is no "taking someone back." Look at the phrase. "Take back." It's impossible. You can't go back, only forward, so I guess that pretty much settles things.

Love to you, Tracy!

Ren'ai

March 3, 2005
2:11 pm
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I wrote this all up in an email to send her but didn't. Didn't even finish writing it. I can get it out of my system here...

Love to all,

Ren'ai

______________________________________ Bonita,

I know you are angry and hurting. This is not what either of us intended or expected, so it's very hard. It is, without a doubt, the most painful thing I have ever tried to recover from. I don't know how you are doing now, but I know that during one of our more recent conversations you said this was harder for you to work through than the abuse.

I understand that for you, it is easier to just cut all ties and be done. I know I told you I didn't know if I could be a friend to you. I know I hurt you about the furniture issue.

Bonita, I am sorry for the pain I've caused you. I want to make things right. I believe that in order for you to heal, you need "restitution" from me. I can't give you that if you won't let it happen.

I have been sorting through things, trying to figure out what I need to give back to you, what to keep, and what to get rid of. I know you always felt like I didn't care much for the letters you wrote me because you found them on the floor of my car but you were mistaken. I have everything you wrote to me. I only just deleted a bunch of emails--without printing them. We were fighting and it just wasn't something I wanted to keep around.

This is something you wrote to me: "Honey, I love you very much. I must, we must always remember how our love began. Know that even during the rough times I am committed to our love. Be assured in this fact. Our relationship flourishes because we explore our love, our boundaries. When we argue it is because we are stretching and extending the depths of our love. With Deepest love I honor you and us. Bonita"

Bonita, you are an honorable woman. I know you wouldn't have said these things to me if you didn't mean them. I know you don't believe in us anymore and I have to believe for both of us. When my best friend from high school got married, after about a year, her husband told me "People always tell you that marriage is 50/50 but it isn't. It's 90/10. On the days you can only give 10%, your partner gives 90% and vice-versa." I know I’ve told you about this before. It was one of the wisest things anyone has ever said to me. I just don’t know how long I will have the strength to hold on and give 100% while you do what you feel you need to do. I still haven’t given up on us.

Bonita, I don't care what you did with the furniture. I don't care how long you're with Jessie. I don't know how to stop loving you with all my heart, mind, and soul. I don’t know how to “un-commit” myself to you. I don’t know how to “un-marry” you. I don't want to know how. What would fill the expanse of space within me that is you?

Yet even as I write this I know it's over. I know we won't be together again. I feel you making that decision and know I have to let you.

The other day I was saying that you are going to realize soon that you don't feel the same with Jessie as you did with me. You can't have the same kind of "sacred fun." The intimacy lacks depth. She doesn't know you like I do. And I said when you get tired of trying there, you will want me back. I was quickly told "If you love her, and she comes back, you better take her back." I wanted to cry and cry and cry because I know of your pride. You will never come back to me. You will never say "Ren’ai, I think I might have made a mistake here..." Your pride will never allow for this—yet I hope. I hope. And I love you as if we weren’t apart. My love for you seems to continue to grow every day just as it always did when we were together, as I feel your love for me continue to diminish.

You kept on telling me that I “changed our destiny.” No. I did something then you made the choice to change our destiny. This is not my choice. You are there, sharing our home with someone else. She has slept in our new bed and I never have. I know you’ve made love to her there, in our house. I’m still here, married, in love, committed. This is my choice. See the difference.

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