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Here's the story
May 18, 2006
10:32 am
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Hej, Just looking -- How is your honesty thing coming along? You struck a chord in me and I have caught myself a couple of times "sliding around" the truth in a conversation. It is NOT as easy as it would seem!!

I am so sorry to hear how you were neglected as a child. I am always so in awe of people who come up through that much adversity and look like saints to me now. Thank you for talking about how you feel on the inside.....I would imagine that the anger and frustration you are having towards your mother now is what you'd really like to let go of so you can have some peace. (Sorry, I may have projected the anger I read that Guest Guest expressed, but maybe I can assume you also have some anger too?)

I see how understanding and forgiving you are towards her, but it would still be so great if you could see her trying to cope WELL, wouldn't it? Maybe it would help to just start writing down some pros and cons, make some lists of her attributes, then of your own. Work on the pros first?? I'm sure the negative list would come more quickly!!

My friend's embarrasingly alcoholic mother landed in the hospital not long ago. My friend drove 300 miles, cared for her Dad and visited Mom daily and ended up just cleaning her Mom's house thoroughly. There was no thank you. A month later her Mom called and chewed her out for putting things away where she couldn't find them. She is such a good daughter. She was so overlooked and ignored. Lately I've begun to worry that she is becoming alcoholic herself.......do you think there is a pattern among women (mothers and daughters) to repeat the mistake, perhaps because that was the only coping skill she saw being used??

May 18, 2006
10:53 am
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awall
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Justlooking,
Have I got the book for you!!!!
Bad Childhood, Good Life
By Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I give you my word, if you don't find the answers to your questions, like I did, you can call me any darn name you want, and I'll own it.
Run and buy it today, I would give an extra copy I have, but I have no idea who you are!!! LOL
I wish I had time to write all the things we have in common, but I have to pack for a trip this weekend. (Nephews Graduation!)
I know you don't know me, but I'm asking you to trust me on this because I've been right where you are, and I have good news honey. You can and will have a good life.
Good Luck and Keep Your Chin Up!!

May 18, 2006
11:34 am
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justlooking
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hi guest_guest,
That must have been brave of you to send that email. Hope today brings some answers. All the best.

Thanks for your kind words Brynnie, the honesty is coming along well so far to my I have not lied since that post and I feel good, it makes sense to me now.

Interesting to read about your friend I really feel for her, poor thing. Yes Alcoholism does run in families, my grandmother has problems too but that is a whole other story! I have my battles but just the idea of becoming my mother puts me off. You may need to talk to your friend about your concern for her, be honest! she may be upset if she using drink there is alot of shame in it I think.

awall, thanks, I will get that book.

May 19, 2006
6:32 am
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justlooking
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Well I just spoke to my mother today thinking she would be sober by now, It's been about a week since she started her binge. I could tell by the sound of her voice she had been drinking so instead of taking it and trying to be nice until the end of the conversation I said, "Ring me when your sober and we can talk, ok." I was quite firm with her, she just answered "Ok", I think she sounded sad. I hung-up, shaking from how I have delt with the situation so different to how I normally do. I can't help feeling guilty now but I know I have to do this tough love thing.

I love my mother she just doesn't love herself.

May 20, 2006
6:55 pm
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justlooking
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It's funny going back to this thread and looking at what I wrote.

Haven't really thought too much about my mother today she hasn't called, maybe she doesn't remember our chat.

I feel detached again, as Pink Floyd, would say 'Comfortably Numb.'

May 21, 2006
4:14 pm
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justlooking
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My mother still hasn't called.

I really want to talk to my step-father about this, he knows what is going on, yet to me he acts as if everything is ok, it's not ok and I don't remember when it was ok. Well she did give-up drinking for three months until she found an excuse to check-out again.

See what tomorrow brings, want to cry but don't see the point.

May 21, 2006
4:47 pm
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jl, it seems your mother is not emotionally available for you. You want that, but she cant give it to you since she cant give it to herself. Is it possible to come to terms with the fact that she cannot give you what you want?

It seems like the exact situation with me and this girl. I want her love and admiration and company but she's not available and I want her. My wanting her further lowers my self-esteem. If I can accept the fact that my happiness lies inside me, I'll be ok. This weekend has been very hard for me, I've been feeling a lot of emptiness and anxiety and I guess, depression.

So how do we detach, thats the question.

May 21, 2006
5:20 pm
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justlooking
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I agree guest, I think our situations are similar. People may be able to give advice on how to change and detach but it's easier said than done.

I'm trying a different approach with this tough love thing but I don't know who it is tougher on her or me.
I know I'm too nice, at one time that's what I needed to be to survive. Now the way I act now is not working for me, it's just not working for the best.

May 21, 2006
10:16 pm
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hi Jl, It just goes with making an effort to focus within ourselves, because you by wanting to get love and attention from your mother, are trying to fill a hole in yourself. So am I, when i want to impress this girl.

For the last couple of hours I was reading the 6 pillars of self esteem book and trying to forget this girl. It worked for a bit - i was able to laugh at things on TV, and made my own jokes about stuff. The old happy me returned for just a little bit.

I felt so good I (oops) sent her a final funny email - trying to make her laugh again. I want her to think of me as she used to do. ah! Not good, I know. But I thought this would be the last email to her and I did say that, it would be, in a long time.

There's a nice girl on the dating site I'm on and we had one or two nice emails. She seems very nice and simple and pretty too.

Anyway.. guess you sense some change in myself. Read that 6 pillars book, its great. It was saying that self-esteem is build by our actions, what we do. What we do is based on what happens in our minds and so, all the 6 pillars will be based on what goes on in our minds.

Lets see how long this spell lasts... I'll go back to reading my book.

A change of benue helped. I went to read the book in the living room. I found out I was hating to face this computer because everytime I came I'd check my email to see if she'd replied. So I went there and a change of place was nice anyway.

May 22, 2006
5:07 am
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justlooking
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In a way I've been my whole life trying to impress my mother but never quite succeeding, I don't remember the last time she said she loved me.

My friendships are really unsuited to me, I have aggressive friends who don't forgive easily (they are not all like that) but maybe I am attracted to people like my mother.

The best thing I did was marry the man I am married to today, he really supports me although sometimes he doesn't understand me. Our relationship lacks passion but we have been together for nearly 12 years. I would say I was near head-over-heals in love with him, he just made me feel safe. I used to fantasize and lust after people but it never became a reality. That sounds sad, what a waste.

Anyway you sound more positive guest, keep riding that wave!
You might be better off not emailing her anymore because then you will be hanging on that reply and that is not detaching.

May 22, 2006
4:39 pm
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justlooking
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Still no word from my mother, if she doesn't call by tomorrow I will call and ask to speak to my step-father, she must over her binge by now.

A friend of mine suggested I go and buy a load of alcohol and give it to her and say 'go on drink the lot kill yourself if have to'.

I feel drained today.......need to sleep.

May 24, 2006
5:08 am
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justlooking
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I just want to close this chapter by telling you what's happened.

I called my mother in the end mainly to speak to my step-father and ask him what the h*** is going on. But she answered the phone obviously very sober. I asked her if she was over her binge she humbly replied, yes then spent the next 10 minutes apologizing to me , she said she had had a three day hangover, I mean the worst she's had, and she would try to not touch another drop ever again, not even a grass. She said I sounded so disgusted that she thought I would never talk to her again. Ok now she was starting to make me feel guilty and like I have always thought she can't handle me being honest with her. But I don't care it's time to get real we have all been lying and hiding for far too long.

She said she didn't know for how long she had been like this I said I have known for a very long time then she went quiet.

She asked me not to discuss it with anyone else, too late, what does she expect me to do suffer in silence?

Yes she has made me feel guilty and sorry for her in a way but I'm gald she has got her wake-up call.

Thanks for reading. jl

May 24, 2006
12:41 pm
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hi JL

"She said I sounded so disgusted that she thought I would never talk to her again."

Tell her that you've always wished you had a mother who was emotionally available to love you, but its very sad that with her alcoholism problem, you've been deprived of such motherly love. Tell her this effects you a lot.

Tell her all the things you say here, e.g. how you try to impress her even though you know she cannot give you the love you want. And that, maybe now you should just treat her like a friend and not expect any motherly love from her because its not going to come. That in itself will give her the message, as well as mentally push you into detaching from her so you are not looking anymore for her to love you. The peace really begins from within us.

May 24, 2006
12:42 pm
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"But I don't care it's time to get real we have all been lying and hiding for far too long. "

Thats very good, yes! Be honest with her and tell her all whats in your heart. It'll be good for you.

May 25, 2006
4:09 am
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justlooking
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Guest_guest
Thanks for your posts, you have been a real support to me.

I have told my mother everytime I see her in that drunk state it hurts me and I told my step-father that if she is drunk don't pass the phone on, I don't want to talk to her like that.

It hasn't been easy there is a pain (and fear) barrier that keep me doing the same things and I know I have to change. But I would rather have pain now than a lifetime stuck the way I was.

To me the most important thing is to protect my own little family and let this not affect my childern. I love them so much I feel my heart will explode, they know it because I can't stop telling them. The buck stops here and along with generations of neglect.

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