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Here's the story
May 16, 2006
6:36 pm
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justlooking
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Why is it that I am surrounded by loving people yet I feel so lonely. When that person is not there for me it doesn't mean a thing. I find it difficult to believe people love me because they don't know the real me, I don't think I know the real me!

May 16, 2006
6:39 pm
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IrishGirl
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Hi JL,

Welcome!!!! So let's figure out who the real you is together. You have come to the right place. Share something about yourself you're comfortable with.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

May 16, 2006
6:43 pm
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on my way
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just l..
are you saying that you project a person that isn't really you, or are you just wonderful and don't recognize it?

May 16, 2006
6:44 pm
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Jl, its a lack of self-love and self-esteem. Its the hole in our soul, I have one too because of an extremely abusive unloving mom and weak (but still loving atleast) father. I'm about thirty now and have these major problems

May 16, 2006
7:02 pm
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justlooking
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thanks, I can tell I am going to learn alot from communicating with you. My mother was and still is an alcoholic her drinking rules her life, to this day I can't understand how she neglected me. My father wasn't much good, he left us high and dry when I was four, guess that's not a great start in life.
My quest is to find inner peace and love in a healthy way. Is that too much to ask?!

May 16, 2006
7:08 pm
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on my way
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no, it isn't too much too ask. i just suggest that because you did not recive affirmation from those importnat to you growing up, to be careful not to seek to fill that void by other people now. depending on how sensitive you are to what people say when with you, could determine how you feel about yourself. this result could lead to shallow relationships for you and abusive ones.

so since there is no one else like you in the entire universe, you are unique, and worthy of love and all good things, determine to learn to love yourself, like yourself before you venture out to get other people to make you feel good about yourself...this will not work.

you can do it...may not be easy for you, but you can.

my thoughts anyway, hope it helps!

May 16, 2006
7:21 pm
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justlooking
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on my way, thank-you for your words of wisdom, some of it I already know but it helps to see it again. I know know I am here to help people, which I find so easy because it's what I have been doing all my life. It's time I helped myself.

May 16, 2006
7:42 pm
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justlooking
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Alot of my friendships are based on a need to please bases and I constantly over annalize things I have said and done by the end of it convince myself I was wrong and feel guilty. It drives me up the wall.

May 16, 2006
7:55 pm
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on my way
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i know what you mean, i have done that alot in my life as well. sometimes you may be wrong, but there is strength in learning from those times, and it does no good to beat yourself up..and maybe you apologize for too much as well? i used too.

and as long as you think you need to please, it takes away from who you really are. it confuses people. and there is such freedom in being honest with yourself and with others. and of course, this isn't advice, i have lived it too...right there with ya!

May 16, 2006
7:57 pm
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IrishGirl
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Have you ever heard the term "Codependent"? I think most of us would agree (who have grown up with abuse), that we become "people-pleasers" or "enablers". We just think if we were better, our abuser would be better.

Your mother's drinking was not your fault and your dad's failure to protect you wasn't your fault.

And you would be surprised how many of us are in "helping professions" because that's all we ever known....taking care of others, while ignoring ourselves.

May 16, 2006
8:16 pm
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justlooking
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on my way, how true you are. I find it difficult not to lie, I always try to say what people want to hear and yes "it takes away from who I really am" tomorrow I'm going to be as honest as I can.
IrishGirl, I still think that way about my mother sometimes I think she drinks because of me, I konw it doesn't make sense.

May 16, 2006
8:25 pm
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justlooking
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I'm going to bed now it's late here, goodnight to my new friends.
jl

May 16, 2006
8:38 pm
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Hi, justlooking, I hope you are still here -- just really KNOW this...... Your mother's drinking had NOTHING to do with you!! It was her choice, her inability to cope with her own bad feelings; it was her crutch.

Try to catch that inner voice/thought pattern within you that tells you you are wrong, for whatever reason it gives. Try to "answer back" with statements like "That's not true. I'm not like that. That didn't happen that way. I was not at fault at all." And then give yourself some praise for the good things that you know you are. Maybe you can break up the pattern of negative thinking when you are caught in it.

May 16, 2006
9:02 pm
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justlooking
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Hi Brynnie, I have got caught up in negative thinking. At one time my mother was the only thing in my life, thing is now she isn't but she still holds power to get me down, I can't trust her.

May 16, 2006
9:07 pm
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justlooking
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Goodnight, jl

May 16, 2006
10:24 pm
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justlooking

"It's time I helped myself."

Exactly. Bryniee gave good advice, get into the habit of talking to yourself positively, countering the negative thoughts, even if it sounds fake in the beginning. It begins to change gradually (or atleast we would like to think so).

Sometimes i have good moments in my life, where I'm letting myself feel and experience what comes naturally. Like at this moment, I'm able to do 70%. I would ideally like to be 100% and that too, all the time in all situations. That would be nice. Its very hard but i believe things can change.

Good luck in your journey. I would recommend to you "six pillars of self-esteem" by nathaniel branden. He's an excellent writer, so much of what he says makes so much sense.

May 17, 2006
4:55 am
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justlooking
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Guest_guest
Thanks, There are different levels of thinking some stuff is so deep seated (I mean undealt with pain from the past) that all the affirmations in the world don't make a difference maybe I give-up too soon.
I have read loads of self-help books but I haven't tried "six pillars of self-esteem" I might get it on Amazon. On the subject of books have you read "The road less travelled" by M.Scott Peck it's the book I have learnt the most from about Psychology, I must read it again sometime.
It's not all doom and gloom if you saw me you would might think I'm a happy, well balanced person and today I am okay.

May 17, 2006
7:41 am
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thats good JL, hope you have more good days like these. I was ok last night, but a little weak right now. Right now just pissed off over waking up early as I usually do.

May 17, 2006
5:26 pm
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justlooking
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I've just returned from a session with a client it went well, just as I thought this business was going down hill.
I get on well with M we like the same music and have things in common. He says he is feeling much better after the last treatment, God I love this job!

May 17, 2006
5:31 pm
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jl, wow very good! something good for today.

May 17, 2006
5:42 pm
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justlooking
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I just need to be as sure of my gift as my good friends are, they can't believe I doubt myself.

May 17, 2006
5:53 pm
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justlooking
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I haven't called my mother since I last spoke to her on Sunday, she was so drunk I don't even know if she en remembers the conversation. I don't want to talk to her if she is still on a binge. Give it another day or two.

May 17, 2006
7:47 pm
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i stopped talking to my own mom. She's never said sorry for anything, infact she met me after 5 years and made me feel resentful so i walked out of the room and later we had a big fight. Now she tells me to consider her dead for me - I'm alright with. The quicker riddance of her, the better. I hope she dies a painful death or atleast becomes really miserable and hopeless at the end of her life. The same hopelessness she brought to me. I dont believe in god but I hope she gets what she deserves, 10 times worse infact. I dont care, you know. she destroyed me and doesnt say sorry, so.. I'm ok.

anywa, have to work on my own issues to get over her abuse. Hope to do some mental health work today, lets see.

I know if i forgave her, it would be good for me, but i'm not up to that point yet. Actually i dont care what happens to her, so maybe thats good.

May 18, 2006
4:56 am
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justlooking
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Somehow I feel your mother hurt you more than mine hurt me.

My mother lost my brother two weeks after birth, two years later my father walked out on us leaving us in Portugal with a business to run during the time of the revolution. My father told his family my mother had had an affair and I was not his daughter so there was no support from them, at first he sent some money but life was hard. My mother coped in the only way she knew, she worked, drank and slept around. There was no time for me. I lost my innocence at a very young age by stuff that was going on around me. I was always a good quiet girl and did as I was told,don't ask questions, I spent many hours on my own so I made up stories and entertained myself.
I have forgiven my mother but not my father, that's what I need to work on.

Guest you sound as if you are holding alot of anger about things that happened in the past, don't let that take away your power to be happy.

May 18, 2006
10:24 am
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hi JL, sorry that must have been hard for you as well. I always say we all have our own share of problems such that, none of one person's life is easier than the other's. Yes I hope I can stop being angry on my mom, so I could move on with a clear mind.

I finally sent a final 'goodbye' email to that girl. I hope I can let go of her now. I wonder what her response is gonna be to that strong email, gosh.. heh. Anyway, have a nice day.

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