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Here i go again making messes.
April 12, 2009
5:45 pm
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sincere2myself
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I have been doing really well this year. Making 2009 all about me and thought I was ready to try the dating thing again. i think I am addicted to the attention I get.
I have been dating one man since last July. Since January we have been growing apart, mostly due to me knowing he is not the one for me. The things I like about him (no smoking, drinking or drugs) he is now doing again. I do not want that around me at all. He is one that would do anything for me, but I want it just on a friend level. he can tell that I am backing away but I have not given him any explanation to why. Do I owe him one?

In March I was discovered online by a highschool boyfriend. He found me and we chatted for a while before deciding to meet up for dinner. We ended up having sex, but for me it was emotionally unsatisfying. He is going through a divorce and gets very depressed. Another one that I don't want. he claimed that he wants to be my friend but only calls when it is convenient for him. He won't answer the phone, texts or email so I have left him alone. the only real reason it pisses me off is cuz i slept with him. STUPID GIRL> I am smart enough to realize his self distructive behavior does not have to affect me.

I am trying the online dating and met a man. We have been on two dates and thankfully no sex involved. he lives in another town, so that helps the control issue. He is a good man, and fits all my requirements except height and a relationship with God. has a good job, responsible, very much a gentleman. We have had many conversations and suprisingly not about sex. We are attracted to each other but taking it slow.

NOW FOR THE MESSY PART!!!! As if that is not enough of one.
I met a guy at church about a year ago, end we have been good friends. I think he is attractive but he is married so i pushed my attraction to the back and let it be platonic. I was under the impression that he was happily married and all was well with him. A few days ago we had a chance to sit and talk and he told me that his marriage is not happy, he has been sleeping on the couch for two years and no longer loves his wife. He plans on leaving her. And he also told me that he thinks I am pretty and nice, and wants to spend time with me. I have told him that I think he is attractive to, but I am worried that if we spend time together things may happen.

I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!

April 12, 2009
6:22 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi sincere: My input would be that it is NEVER a good idea to date a married man- whether he says he's happy or not.

If he's that unhappy, let him move out, and file for divorce and GET the divorce.

Married men can play games as well as unmarried ones, and all you have to go by is what he says.

In fact its usually a rule of thumb to not date a guy until he's been divorced at least a year.

I think you're playing with fire if you let any sort of relationship develop.

sd

April 12, 2009
7:22 pm
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atalose
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Yes it does appear that you are addicted to attention, negative and positive attention as long as it's attention.

If you’re not interested in guy #1 with the now smoking, drinking and drug habits then tell him so instead of leading him on, unless you like the attention.

Guy #2 is doing the typical getting in touch with the old GF routine. He’s married so of course he is only going to call when it’s convenient for him. And the whole divorce thing, well that may be how he manipulated you. Negative attention……..

Guy #3 sounds like someone whom it could work out with but he comes with no drama, no chaos like the married guy going through the divorce or the drinking/drug guy. Maybe you find no chaos boring, most unhealthy codies do find healthy people boring, unchallenging.

Guy #4 well he’s married, period so what if he told you that you were pretty and nice, again negative attention…………..Why remain platonic friends if you know he wants more unless you are planning on more yourself or like that again negative attention.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 12, 2009
10:01 pm
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_anonymous
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sincere- This man is married. He needs to end his relationship before he can move on to the next. Dont trust what he says just what he does. He is married and is trying to start a relationship with you. As far as his commitment to the teachings of the church is concerned he is talking the talk, but he is not walking the walk. What he wants from you is to have an affair. Since he is married it is bang out of order to have anything to do with him on a personal or emotional level. You might want to ask him how his wife would feel if she found out about his offer to you. Believe me if he does this to her he will do it to you.

If he plans on leaving his wife then why doesnt he follow his plan than give you a holler after he has filed divorce papers and moves out. That way you and his wife will both see where he is coming from.

April 12, 2009
10:09 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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I have always heard that if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you.

Bitsy

April 13, 2009
12:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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Guy #1 is an active user. Dump him and have no further contact with him. He is an addict. You can't be "friends" with an addict, unless you want to "use" with him.

Guy #2 simply got laid. Hard, but true. That was a booty call. Don't let him use you again. Chalk it off to experience.

Guy #3 is the wrong height (that can really count when trying to dance, etc.) and does not share you spiritual values. That's a deal breaker in my book. Move on. Without shared spiritual values, no true relationship and communication is genuinely possible.

Guy #4 should be hung, drawn and quartered. He is a hypocrit, trying to line you up for a bit of fun by saying what you want to hear WHILE MARRIED. Not good. If he will pull this on his current wife, he'll pull it on you down the road. Ditch him fast. In fact, I would personally advise you to share this information with the pastor of your church. I am a minister, myself, so I have zero tolerance for such game-playing. Let the church leadership deal with this guy.

Sounds like you are hungry to have a man in your life...ANY man. It might help you to shift your focus off having a man to developing some of your own hobbies and interests. Eventually, the right man will come along, IF you are already happy, independent and fulfilled in what you are doing.

- Ma Strong

April 13, 2009
3:35 pm
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truthBtold
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-Ma Strong,

Such sage advice, lady!

(Where the heck were you when I needed ya clearly 30 years ago????)

😉

Sincere,

You'll make your way, honey!!!!

April 13, 2009
7:56 pm
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sincere2myself
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(((MA Strong))
((Atalose))
((DestinyStar))
((Bitsy))
((truth))

Thank you so much for your advice. From now on I am going to run all my guys through you. Since i have no mother and family around I have no one to give me the straight up tough love that i need.

Bitsy...I have heard that before too and I don't think #4 is even serious about ending his marriage. Now he is trying to tell me he loves me. I told him that I am not in any way comfortable being anything other than friends. He claims I am walkin out on him. I wanna puke. I seriously think i should tell the pastor, but I love my church and don't want to leave it.

I have removed #2 from my phone and email list. I have no room for users in my life. I am so much smarter than that and should have recognized the signs before i made the mistake.

I have only been talking to #3 for about two weeks and we have nice conversations. I have asked him what his relationship with God is and if he would ever go to church with me. Since I texted that I am still waiting on a reply so I will keep you posted on that.

thank you to all my "moms". I love all of you.

April 13, 2009
8:23 pm
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sdesigns
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huh?

I'm invisible!

sd

April 13, 2009
10:29 pm
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sincere2myself
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(((((sdesigns)))))

Please accept my apology...I thought i had everyone. Now i feel like an ass...the same reason that led me to post in the first place.

I told the married guy (#4) that under no circumstances would i entertain an affair with him. I like your advice about waiting a year after a divorce and it is a really good idea.

Once again I am sorry i forgot you. but you are forgotten no more. i hope you have a nice evening.

April 14, 2009
9:41 am
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atalose
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sincere,

Unfortunately many of us here have had those bad experiences with picking wrong partners for dating and relationships. Sharing those experiences are in hopes others will not repeat mistakes we’ve learned along the way.

But typical codie behavior makes us think and feel that “our chosen partner” is different.
That the men in front of us are not the men we are being warned about. You have to remember codies are drawn to unhealthy people. We like to help, fix and mend others usually at the expense of losing ourselves along the way.

I would be very cautious with guy#4, friends or not, back away from his drama and bring yourself to an acquaintance level. Telling a un-happily married man that you find him attractive is like opening the gates to emotional hell for you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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