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Her Mother Controls her
April 5, 2001
11:48 am
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needadvice
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Thanks Ladeska, I guess your right. And what you said was wierd, About her feeling bad she put everyone through this all, That she could never leave her mother. When we were leaving eachother after are meeting the other day she said that. Everything except I could'nt live without my mother. But she said she knew she put alot of people through alot stuff and she felt bad about that. Guess I'll just have to see how it goes later today when we meet again. Maybe I'll feel a vibe like you said. And then I'll know how to handle it all. But even though I know in my mind it has to end for all of us. My heart is still feeling so broken and missing the girls so bad. My mind say's get out of this relationship, it will never change. My heart say's to get my wife and two daughters back home. That I need them and they need me. Still huting will the hurt ever end?

April 5, 2001
12:09 pm
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needadvice
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One more thing to ask, Although I feel I made the right choice about this but I feel guilty about choicing to do it. Her youngest daughters birthday is this Sunday. When I met my wife the other day she said that she keeps asking when she is going to see daddy and come back home. And has been wanting to know if she can see daddy on her birthday. I told my wife that I had thought about it and I think it would be best not to see her or give her a gift or card? That it's best that there be no contact so she can forget this and move on in her life since we both know it will never work. And by seeing her or giving her a present on her birthday, Would only give her a false sence that she will be back home soon. Was I right in saying that. Or since the last memorie she has is loading all there things and moving back to Grandma's and all of us being so unhappy. Would it be better to see them both one more time and end this all in a happier way on her birthday? Or was my first choice the right one? And also before you ansewer remember how much I love them both and do you think it would make it harder on me to let them go. I know if I saw them again I'd start crying and hugging them and telling them how much I miss them, And they might ask if they were coming back home. And how could I tell them know and not have to almost blame me or my wife. I do'nt want them to be mad at ethier one of us. Did I make the right choice the first time. Well thanks for listening again. All of you have been a great help in this sad time of my life and helped me to make the right choices on how to handle it,, Thanks so so much....

April 5, 2001
2:57 pm
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Ladeska
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This probably isn't going to be what you want to hear, and it's only my opinion. I have seen so much damage come from parents disappearing out of children's lives. It's not about the children that all of this happened and they should still have you as a person in their life, if you can do this. What other really good and loving influence are they going to have - if not you? I know it would be tough on you, but you can't punish them because of all this and trust me - that is exactly what it will feel like and the damage can be great with them emotionally and psychologically. You don't have to see them every other day or anything like that. I'd have my own boundaries about what and when and how. I'd have a set day that you agree with her right now about. And I'd tell the children - this is my day with you, so they know that you have chosen this day and if things get wishy-washy it will come from her side of the fence. But, they need to know - you are there and are consistent. That's why it's important that you set a day and time and keep it that way as far as what's in your control. They are probably going to have alot of inconsistency in the other arena and there is nothing you can about that - BUT, you can give them something very different and contrasting to look at and to experience as far as your influence in their lives. You'd be surprised to know how very important and valuable that is to a child - even though it may not be alot - it is still very, very powerful and meaningful for them. If they don't have this - then what is to stop them from thinking the other is normal? Nothing. I have seen the damage it does when one very important person walks out of a child's life. It may be hard for you - but the rewards down the road - are priceless.

April 5, 2001
6:52 pm
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needadvice
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Ladeska, I don't consider it just your opinon you have helped me alot through this and your "opinon" has been a great help to me. thank you. And I know what you mean about being there for the children. I know all about this. My so called "Dad" left us when I was 5 and I have never saw him since. I think that's why not seeing them every again is effecting me so much. I know how much this can hurt a child. I keep telling myself this is differnt then what he did to my family. But is'nt the result the same to the children? My wife just left and we had the papers notorized, but she say's she's only doing it because I want it, not that she does. She cried alot and said she wants to come home. That she'd seek consuling for this promblem she has. If that would help. But I told her you can't seek help for me but you have to do it for you and the girls. She said again that the girls keep asking when there going to see daddy, and her youngest wants to spend her birthday with daddy. And after hearing what my wife told me, That every time they say they want to see daddy her mom say's stop calling him daddy, he's not your daddy. In the 2 and a half weeks she's been gone her family has had 4 guys come over to meet her, she say's she just gets the girls coats on and goes to the park to get away from them. They both cry in bed every night. The youngest has started peeing in the bed again just like she did before they moved in with me "that had stoped here" and they both wake up in the middle of the night crying. The oldest ends up in the bed with my wife every morning. My wife even said someing about working out some kind of visitasion with me because she thinks the girls really need me in there life. I thought it would be best for them to just stay away so they can forget about me. But once again after reading what you said, I have to wonder if that's the right thing to do now? I've only been worried about how it would be to hard for me to just see them every now and then. But now I see I have to start thinking about them not me. How it's affecting them not seeing me at all, not how it will hurt me. I'm getting off now to do alot of thinking about this whole thing. But if you or anyone else has any more advice on this. I'll be back on later to see if you might. Once again thank you so much.

April 7, 2001
7:36 am
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needadvice
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Well was just checking to see if anyone had any more advice about, If seeing ,my wife and girls, would be the right thing to do or not? She's going to call this morning to see if I'd meet them today. I told her the other day That coming here was not a good thing? I think. But maybe I'd meet them somewhere. If anyone has an opiop on it let me know. Thanks....

April 7, 2001
12:09 pm
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Ladeska
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I'd see the girls and take them somewhere fun, but I wouldn't include her in this. This is between you and the girls and you need to have your boundaries about that. No sticky fingers in "your pot" here. No spiderwebs....do you hear me here? You....be in control about when, where, how long and what you do. The kids need to laugh and have fun and just enjoy the day. So, go blow it out somewhere. Make them giggle, spin, feed them whatever they want - toasted cheese, french fries, chocolate, all the things you shouldn't! (smile) Spoil them - they need it. And have quiet time somewhere - where you just hold them, let them know that you are a constant in their lives....okay?

April 7, 2001
12:52 pm
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needadvice
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Thanks Ladeska, When my wife called this morning I told her I'd get a hotel room for them 3 half way in between are houses, They live about 70 miles away from me now. They youngest girl wanted to go swimming so I got one with an indoor pool." it's her birthday tomorow" She say's when I get there she'll go shopping for a few hours so me and the girls can go swimming and spend time together. So I guess I'll just see if she does or not I guess. This is the first time I've seen them in 3 weeks. I'ts going to be hard. But I at least want to tell them I love them and miss them and think about them everday. I hope I can handle it?

April 7, 2001
1:46 pm
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Ladeska
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She's only going shopping for a "few" hours so you can have time with them...hm,m,m,m....I smell a - now, let's talk - you and I and see if I can get you all involved in my web in some way. I hope you can handle it, too. She may use the kids to still play with you, so I'd be wary of that. Those kids need a full day of being with you, this just sounds like she's allowing it because she wants to mess with your mind in some way. I'd make it real clear...this is about me seeing the kids, I wish you well, but my boundaries are.... I feel for you...I know this is very hard and heartbreaking. Try to keep your head and heart above water here. Look at the big picture, down the road if you can.

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