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Helping Her Let Go, CoDependency
June 18, 2008
11:04 pm
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Tethered
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September 24, 2010
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So, a month and a half ago my ex and I -S- broke up after a near 4 year relationship which had begun in my sophomore year of high school.
At the time, things seemed mutual; we both felt as though after starting college we had become different people looking for different things in a relationship –her wants more directed toward romance, mine toward companionship. We (or so I thought) agreed that we probably at minimum needed a break from each other to try new things, fill out who we were, explore other relationships etc. Throughout all of this S was doing most of the talking but saying many of the things I too had felt for a long while. We wanted to be friends still because there was, at the time, very little animosity towards each other.

Soon after S began talking to one of her long-time male interests (before we even got together), only to find out he was not worth her trouble. She went then started going out with another guy who had been after her for awhile. We maintained intermittent contact.

As for myself, summer break had just begun and I was simply spending more time with friends and myself than I had ever gotten a chance to. I felt more often liberated than heartbroken, but still not resentful of S’s own enjoyment. I sincerely enjoyed the prospect of being single again.

As S began seeing guy #2 –lets say “K”- she came to realize he was a sleaze ball under a litany of nice comments. She also begins talking to me more, about how much she realized I wouldn’t do any of the stuff K is doing. And how she misses all the things I used to do; how she suddenly enjoys all of my interests which she had once so vocally loathed.

This all capitulates when she stays out of town with K and her close friend, only to run home saying that she needs me, and that she wants to work things and that she’ll change to make it work etc. we fight for two weeks after this as I try and tell her that I meant all I had said the night we broke it off, and still had no want to get back together yet. I continually tell her I need more space and time away from her to figure out if I really can go back to her.

Theses fights are near daily, hourly after three weeks, and become exceedingly violent as I try desperately to tell her I simply have lost all real romantic interest in her. She wants to try dating. Wanting to see an end to this madness, I say yes. And now a week later I am already seeing the signs that the same fighting will begin again.

Throughout all of this has been her contant insistence that I am the only one who can make her happy and cheer her up; that only my hugs make her feel better; that she wishes we could be the same way we used to be; etc.

I am nearing my break point. I care deeply about S and only want to see her happy again, but know that I have no love interest in her any longer. I want to be a friend to help, but its only becoming clear that doesn’t work.

Do I stop all communication? Is there a way I can ween her off this Co-Dependency?

PLEASE HELP!

June 23, 2008
6:34 pm
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Giggles_29
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September 30, 2010
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(((Tethered))), unfortunately there is nothing YOU can do to "wean her off of this codependency". SHE has to do the work my friend. If you are not in love with her and have made yourself very clear, than maybe it will be easier with no contact. It seems as though when you decide to give it another try, the same cycle starts. If you are happier by yourself than that's how you should be. Sometimes being a friend to someone who is codependent can mean something completely different in their mind. (speaking from personal experience). Good luck and keep posting!!!

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