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Helping a friend with self esteem
May 27, 2000
7:06 pm
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trytohelp
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September 30, 2010
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a coworker and I have become very close over the past few weeks. I truly care for this person and it hurts me to see her in such distress. We were out a couple of days ago and got on the topic of parents. She stated that her father was abusive to her and that he has an alcohol problem. I don't know the extent of the abuse, all she said was that he was very verbally abusive. By this time she was in tears. She did mention that she had gone to couseling but I don't know that it did anything for her because she keep stating that she thinks she's not attractive ( she's actually beautiful) and that she feels stupid because he always told her this. Is there good advise for me to help this situation or should I step back in fear of making it worse

May 27, 2000
7:22 pm
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janes
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Tell her..or ask her or support her in the idea of going back to counseling or coming on this site.

don't force or coerce.

May 27, 2000
8:09 pm
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Spirit
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What a sticky whicket, as my grandfather used to say. As a loving, caring spirit it is only natural to want to help a friend in need. The important thing to know is, what is the help your friend truly needs. Are you familiar with the saying: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.? Wish I had really understood that saying years ago when faced with a similar situation. Unfortunatly, I rushed in and tried to "fix" things. Not much came out of that which was positive: Lost my friend in the "fixing" of things that turned out to be something of which I should have only lent a sympathetic ear. We live, we learn, we grow. Janes suggestion is well said. For you, please keep posting. It can be very energy draining just listening. May your friend find peace in your friendship.

May 27, 2000
8:37 pm
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guest_guest
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hmm...
is she married? if yes thats good, she can tell her father a few things, like 'father i will not accept any more abuse from you.'
if he doesnt agree, she can just keep him out of her life, or atleast only talk to him when its absolutely necessary (might be hard inthe beggining, but she has to learn to prevent being abused. she must learn not to take any crap from ANYone.)

and if she's NOT married, we know all what might happen. she might marry someone abusive. It happens everywhere right ..? people who got abused married people who abused them. so if she can be aware of this and work on it, she must chose a good non-abusive, non-alcoholic, great person as her mate.
how to work on it ... well i dont know... how about counselors (same as janes said), or helping her meeting a nice guy.

May 28, 2000
10:31 am
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heartfelt
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ABUSE IS NOT OK, NOT BEFORE NOT TOMORROW AND ESPECIALLY NOT TODAY. One of the most difficult actions to take is simply STOP the abuse. Feeling stuck, being a victim, denial of the life changing cycle of abuse does nothing. Action does. Seeking out information produces options for healthy life changes.. options allow for healthy choices.healthy choices result in healthy living. I've found on my own journey that doing whatever it takes to seek that which binds us within ourselves is the first step in freedom to live free from others who's need seems to be that of abuse.......THEY JUST CAN'T SEE......YET ......ACOA groups may help

May 28, 2000
5:47 pm
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Brenda
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what a good and caring friend, but please do not let the boundaries blur where you are in her world to such an extent that you lose your own self.
Just be a kind support, tell her if she is still experiencing pain and distress from the thoughts and they have obviously affected her, she needs to deal with it asap or it will only get worse. She will have major unfinished business and will continue to attract men into her life, as well as women, who will abuse her in the exactly same way, until she faces this stuff and heals it.
God bless

May 28, 2000
5:50 pm
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janes
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(guest_guest if she's already married that husband might be an abuser.. and married or not..she can still tell her father a few things..when she is strong enough to do so. but you are right..she needs to choose well!!)

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