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HELP!!!HOW DO I MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?
January 2, 2003
6:09 pm
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Anonymous
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IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I HAVE USED THIS SITE. BUT I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THE SAME ISSUES FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS NOW. I AM 25 YEAR OLD. I HAVE BEEN TOLD, THAT I AM AN EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL PERSON BOTH INSIDE AND OUTSIDE. I AM SUCCESSFUL IN MY CHOICE OF CAREERS, I AM EDUCATED, I AM SMART, I AM A SINGLE MOTHER, AND I HAVE JUST ENROLLED MYSELF TO START WORKING ON MY MASTERS DEGREE. THE PROBLEM IS EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE BLESSINGS THAT I NAMED, I AM STILL UNHAPPY. OVER THE COURSE OF THE PAST FEW YEARS, MY LIFE HAS CHANGED DRAMATICALLY. FIRST, I MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH MY BOYFRIEND OF 4 YEARS WHO I FOUND OUT WAS CHEATING ON ME AND I WAS EXPECTING HIS CHILD. WE ENDED UP ENDING OUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN I WAS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND I HAD TO MOVE BACK HOME WITH MY PARENTS FOR A WHILE. SECOND, I ENDED UP HAVING MY FIRST CHILD ALONE WITH HARDLY ANY SUPPORT SYSTEMS. THIRD, MY MOTHER DIED 4 MONTHS AFTER HAVING MY BABY. FOURTH, I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND BABY'S FATHER.AFTER APPROACHING HIM WITH MY FEELINGS, HE BASICALLY GAVE ME A BRUSH OFF AND TOLD ME THAT WHILE HE LOVES AND CARES FOR ME...HE FEARS LETTING ME DOWN AGAIN. HE INDICATED THAT HE HAS NOT CHANGED OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS IN WHICH WE HAVE BEEN BROKEN UP AND TO BASICALLY MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. I HAVE 2 PROBLEMS WITH THIS, ONE I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM AND IT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO COMPLETELY CLOSE THIS CHAPTER SEEING AS THOUGH WE HAVE A LIFETIME CONNECTION(OUR SON). WE ALSO HAVE BEEN INTIMATE IN RECENT MONTHS. MY SECOND ISSUE IS UNDERSTANDING WHY HE KEEPS PUSHING ME AWAY. HOW CAN HE SPEAK SO HIGHLY OF ME AND THEN REJECT ME IN THE SAME BREATH? WHY EVEN BOTHER TELLING ME THAT HE STILL LOVES AND CARES FOR ME? WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER THIS AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE? HOW CAN I GRIEVE FOR ALL OF MY LOSSES AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE? I AM STARTING TO FEEL REALLY SELF CONSCIOUS...WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH? AND NOW THAT I AM IN THIS SITUATION HOW DO I AS A SINGLE MOTHER WITH NO SUPPORT HAVE AN ACTIVE SOCIAL LIFE AND FIND LOVE AGAIN? BECAUSE SO FAR I CAN SEE HAPPINESS IN MY FUTURE...THE ONLY MEN THAT SEEM TO WANT ME ARE ONES THAT OUR TOO DEPENDENT ON ME AND MY AMBITIONS INSTEAD OF THEIR OWN. HELP!!

January 2, 2003
6:55 pm
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wow, I feel like I am looking in a mirror. You sound like a very strong, wonderful person. It sounds like instead of hurting you and telling you to go away and leave him alone, he tried to sacrifice your feelings a bit.

Walk away, with your head up high. You are young, and even as a single mom there is lots of ways to meet new friends. If your in University take advantage of the social scene. Even as a single mom, get a great reliable babysitter and when your son goes to bed go out then.

This way he won't feel like your leaving him. Mom deserves a life too. I know. You feel attached to the dad because he is the dad. If you are intimate with him he is using you. He knows that you are there waiting. Next time, tell him to go pound sand!!

January 2, 2003
7:42 pm
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Lisset...I'm somewhat bothered by the aggressive nature of many of your posts recently. It's obvious that you disagree with the notion of people having sex before/outside marriage. That's OK. You're entitled to think that and I respect your opinion on that, but you express yourself very judgementally against people who have chosen to live their life a different way. I know you're having 'guy' issues and if you want to talk about that, then how about creating your own thread on it, instead of having your thoughts about males inappropriately cloud your posts to other people on their issues. I don't think that that's very helpful at all.

January 2, 2003
7:44 pm
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Ahh sorry...I should have created an alternate thread.

Carry on with airica's problem.

January 2, 2003
8:37 pm
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airica

Sorry about your mom! It sounds like your ex is having a hard time with commitment.

I am also a single mother and what I did was become bestfriends with my son. I do things he likes even if I don't really care doing them. This has worked for a great relationship and made life easier as a single parent. I also don't talk bad about his dad in front of him even thought I think he is a total jerk. Single parent hood some times has it's advantages. You can get over this guy and on with your life it just takes time and that means not being intiment with him.

January 2, 2003
10:34 pm
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Hi Airica,
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. We have a lot in common (I think). I too am 25. I've felt most of the things you have described, and I moved 3,000 miles to be with 'him'. I don't know how quailified I am to offer you any advise, but I feel like reaching out to you so here goes... First of all ~ I am so sorry about your mom. That has to be very difficult for you. I'm sure you miss her terribly. She is still with you just not on this earth, and I know that's easy to say, but hard to make your heart feel.
At least your ex was honest with you about his feelings, which is saying a lot if he cheated on you in the past. I know it's hard to walk away, but it's probably going to be best for you and your kids in the long run. Right now just need to reach out to your friends, your family, people on this site. Try to get strong again. Don't think about finding love again right now. Concentrate on YOU, your kids, and your mother being gone. Maybe you want to cling to your ex because of missing your mom. Like you want something familiar to hold onto (I'm not saying you don't love him, nor am I trying to minimize your feelings here. Just offering my opinion).
You asked why you can't get over this and move on with your life? Well, I have asked the same thing many times, and my mom just told me today that it's the holding on that continues hurting us, but letting go releases our pain and helps us move on. That made sense to me. It's not going to be easy, but we can do it!! We have to. Hang in there and don't give up!

January 2, 2003
11:49 pm
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You would want to get the guy back who cheated on you and then rejected you??

January 7, 2003
5:01 pm
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ARICIA HEY GIRLFRIEND I HAVE A HUSBAND WHO RAN OFF WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND I FOUND OUT YESTERDAY THAT THEY ARE IN PHOENIZ, AZ HE CAN'T EVEN TELL ME AND I AM HAVING NIGHTMARES AND I NEED CLOSURE, I FILED FOR DIVORCE BUT I NEED HIM TO TELL ME THAT THE WHORE HE CHOSE IS BETTER THAN ME IT ISN'T US IT IS THEM BUT I STILL HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT ALSO I STILL LOVE THIS JERK SOME KIND OF WAY

January 9, 2003
7:34 pm
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Thank you all for your responses. It has been quite helpful. In response to RBee, yes it is quite sad to admit, but I am still in love with this man. But a positive thing that I have been doing is reading this book called "Letting Go:A 12 Week program" It is excellent and it describes every feeling that I am going through and how to get through it. I must say I am relieved. I have not called my ex in almost 2 weeks and that is a major plus for me. But thank you all for your help.

January 14, 2003
8:08 pm
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I am interested in this book you are reading.

January 15, 2003
10:20 am
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Hi airica~

I once had a very serious relationship where the man told me he was no good for me, and I ignored it. What he told me was the real truth and I, like you are doing, held on due to false beliefs I had projected onto him. Yes you had a son, who was a blessed accident. Your son will be with you the rest of your life, as you were your mother's daughter.

It would be really nice for this man to turn into a respected and responsible father, a loving devoted husband and a pillar of the community. Yes, a really nice dream, but not reality.

The reality is you are being strung along due to this man's own insecurities and issues. You are left feeling obligated because your son needs a father. And possibly you need someone to lean on since your Mom died. But you still have that nagging feeling something is not right. Listen to your gut feelings.

Life as a single mother is very hard. You want someone to help and to take care of you - that is natural. But this man is not going to really be these things for you.

So, you are realizing this now and taking steps to change your life. Keep that focus and get creative on expanding your social life. You have a lot going for you and deserve to be treated better by a man who would want to marry you and be with you the rest of your life. Don't settle for less. It seems you go for men who need a mommy, who want you to take care of them. For your sake, address why you want to be a caretaker and figure out how to get a partner who will be your equal.

You deserve to be treated well in a relationship. I applaud you on self educating yourself via the book and I look forward to seeing you progress in your personal development.

Jenny

January 15, 2003
11:26 pm
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Hello All!! In response to the inquiry regarding this fascinating book that I am reading. Once again the book is called "Letting Go:A 12 step program to get over a broken heart". I am telling you it has been great!! This is the 3rd week that I have not even had the urge to pick up the phone and call my ex. My ex also called me last week and I did not pick up the phone nor return the call. I just finished reading Jenny's reply and I am grateful for your good advice. You are totally right, and I agree with everything that you stated. But I realized that the mind and the heart work on two totally different programs. In regards to figuring out why I seem to attract so many needy people... I have the slightest idea why. Maybe it is because I am so focused on finding my equal. I haven't met a man yet who seems to have the qualities that I am looking for. I don't think that I am asking for too much. I am educated so I want an educated man...I am a professional.. so I want a professional man.. I am good mother... So I want a good father figure..And I know I am a truly good person who is ambitious and smart..So why wouldn't I want an ambition and good man? So, where are they is my question? Or don't I deserve a social life with men of these standards?

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