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Help with my Relastionship
January 25, 2001
7:35 pm
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April
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January 25, 2001
7:49 pm
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April
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I messed this up a little. This is kind of long so thanks to those who take time to read it all. I'm 2 months from turning 21 and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 1 1/2. My childhood wasn't the greatest and I think that a lot of my problems have to do with the things that I learned as a child. I guess that you could say that I'm very dependant or needy. I would like for him to spend all of his time with me. I think that there are several reasons for this but the main one is that I don't have any friends that I go out with. Part of this is because I'm very shy and part of it is because I would feel real bad if I went to do something without him. He trys to encourage me to go out, but I've never really been close to anyone but him and having a close relationship with someone is very hard for me. Lately, he has found a new group of friends and is spending a whole lot of time with them. This has made me feel very left out and alone. He has started acting rude and inconsiderate. He has now said that he wants to move in with one of his friends. This came as a shock to me. He is trying to convince me that this will make our relationship better, but I don't see how. He might be right but now all that I can think about is what he will be doing at night, worring about him, and how much it is going to hurt not having someone to hold me at night. He also knows that I wouldn't have the heart to break up with him because of the pain that it would cause me. I've asked him about the reason that he has been rude lately and he says that it is because my parents got a divorce and he is testing me. I know that he fears divorce a lot because he knows what happened between my parents and I try to keep reassuring him that it won't happen to us (we are talking about marriage). I guess I'm not real sure what to do next. I know that I need help to get my life straight, but I don't know if it is all my fault or not. If you have gotten this far I want to say thanks. Writing the truth and what I feel has been very helpful itself.

January 25, 2001
8:07 pm
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Molly
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Writing always helps, and keep it up. #1 you are very young, tired of hearing that I am sure. #2 It is now a fact that children of divorce have real trust issues, don't know if that is your case but something to think about.#3 you need more than a man in your life, many women have driven their men away by being out of balance looking to them to fulfill their needs. #4 read up on codependency, and 10 Stupid things Women do to mess up their lives, insightful.#5 give it some space, take some time to discover who you are and what you like with out a man in your influence, you might be surprised go out to a movie alone, go to an arts class, be sure to dance, either exercise, or a class, #6 If he is marriage material, he will be around for a long while, and this is a good test for you and him regarding trust, let go and have faith, if his true character comes out, and its not good, aren't you glad you found out before the mortgage and 2-3 kids, really give him some space, and give your self some chance for learning and growth. I now in my ripe old years, don't think a woman should settle down until she is over 25 we change to much, by the way how much traveling have you done, hmmmmmmmm

January 26, 2001
1:36 pm
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gingerleigh
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Right ON Molly! April, I think you've made a lot of great strides in understanding yourself. You admit to things that you are afraid of, and you are accepting responsibility for how you feel (as opposed to some people who just blame everything on their partners... I've certainly been guilty of that). That's GREAT!!! It's not your "fault" or his "fault", it's just something that is happening. So put that idea of "fault" out of your head now, don't judge yourself.

You are doing fine! (Gingerleigh, putting on skirt, sweater and pompoms, "Yaaaaaaay April!") Gotta cut down on the coffee. ANYWAY, seriously...

Taking the time apart would be really beneficial to you. You *are* quite young, and your early 20s are the time when you really start to know who you are, find out what you love, what you hate, where your boundaries are.

If he wants to move out, that's OK. He might need to discover himself too, and is just taking the space to go and do that. (I'm guessing he is near the same age as you.) You might want to also consider moving out and getting your very own place, a place that pleases you and makes you happy to be there (and a place that doesn't have memories associated with him).

January 26, 2001
4:15 pm
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janes
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I didn't marry until 26 and those years before while tumultuous were MINE!!!

You do need a life away from him and your family.

Have you done schooling? College" Where do you work?

You have spent your formative years with one person....and he with you.

You both need to be complete within yourselves.

TWO don not make ONE (couple) when both are not complete in themselves.

Be strong. This life is for learning every day.

Even if you marry him and have a great marriage there is NO promise that he will live as long as you do.

That is one more reason why you need to be strong inYOU and not in antoher.

Find out all you can about codependencyy like MOlly says.

If you had a hard childhood try to find a counselor to talk too. It can be so enlightening and such a great learning experience.

And what Ginger leigh says about the two of your finding out about your separate selves is really important!!!

good luck hon. Let us know what is going on!

January 26, 2001
7:51 pm
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Molly
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Gosh, don't you wish we had this site when we were her age, or younger?

January 26, 2001
8:49 pm
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April
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I want to say thanks for all of the good advice. I am a senior in college and I will graduate in August. My mother pays for everything, and she expects me to follow every rule that she sets. This is really hard. I live in a house that she bought. Until I graduate I feel like I don't have any control over my life. My mom doesn't give me enough money to live on. I get $200/month and I don't have a car payment or rent, but I have every other bill. I find it very hard to just keep food on the table and going to my mother for money is really hard and I feel like I'm a failure because I can't make it on that each month. My boyfriend helps me out with bills and usually pays for most of the fun things that I go out and do. He also gives me some money to spend on me, but I know that he doesn't have much money to throw around, so that is hard too. I spent several hours last night looking at things about codependency and it really helped a lot. I talked to my boyfriend about some of this and he is very suppportive and wants to help all that he can. He knows how my childhood was and is very patient when I can't explain why I always feel that he is mad at me. I feel like it is my job to fix everything when he is having trouble and it is going to take time and practice to understand that I can't fix everything. Also, when we get into an argument, he likes to leave and cool off, but to me I feel like he will never come back. I think that this has to do with my parents divorce. He keeps telling me that he won't leave me, but sometimes I think that things are worse than they are. I'm going to talk to a counselor when I am able to. There are some at the University that I attend that is free. I'm also going to try to do things on my own that I enjoy. My favorite thing to do is reading, but I need to get out and be around other people. I have a feeling that this will really help our relationship. I'm really glad that I found this web site. It has really helped and given me hope that everything will turn out right.

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