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Help, what to do about codependency -- the sweet and the sour
May 25, 2005
5:27 pm
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cherrysoda
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Like I said in my thread, the sweet and the sour.
In a vast majority of the relationships in my life I am co-dependent with everything. I always find that I am doing things for people who would never even think over doing anything remotely like that for me.

Several months ago my boyfriend stood me up for New Years. He was out doing meth and didn't want me to know about it. He has always had a huge problem with drinking and doing coke. When he was younger he was doing meth but quit a few years back. This problem has caused problem upon problem in our relationship and our lives individially.

After all this happened and he showed up at my door the day after New Years I told him that this was it. I told him that I have gone threw too many terrible and painful things with him. I said I don't want this for my life that I was too young to put up with this (I'm only 22). I told him that this was it, I wasn't going to sit around like an idiot and take his crap anymore.

So, about 3 days later I come to find out that he walked into a police station and told them that he was on probation and he wanted to speak to his P.O. He said that he needed to go to rehab and that he knew that if he wasn't court ordered that he wouldn't finish the program and he needed the residential treatment.

So, it's been over 5 months and he has been in rehab for about 2 months and doing exceptionally well. I spoke with him last night and he went to a class and they talked about co-dependency and he said that I should take a look at that. Additionally they said that it's one of the leading causes that a person with someone who is co-depended will relapse.

I guess I always knew that I was co-dependent. For the person that you are being co-dependent with to tell you that you are co-dependent is quite a shock (and probably somehting that doesn't happen everyday).
So, my question is, what steps can I do to change this? I don't want to go back to the way things were.

Additionally, I have lost a lot of friends because of all I have listed above and because those relationships were co-dependent as well and I (always) eventually get fed updoing all kinds of things for people and being used and then getting pissed off about it. Then, ties are cut. So, what do I do about that? Additionally, how do I attract people who don't use me? I met a girl awhile back who was the nicest person but I thought it was so weird that she was genuinely a nice person and it creeped me out a little.
So, I need some help/suggestions.

May 25, 2005
5:44 pm
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CAMER
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how about reading books about coda, there are good ones by Melody Beattie and you could attend local coda meetings if you log onto
http://www.coda.org

Recognizing that there is a coda problem is a first step, and its good that you recognized it at such a young age.

Keep coming bakc and posting and know that you are not alone!
Camer

May 25, 2005
5:49 pm
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lollipop3
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It is quite a shock to hear a sick person tell you that you are sick!

Unfortunately, in most cases....it's true.

I belong to Al-Anon and I can't tell you how many women (and men) come to the meetings SHOCKED that the alcoholic in their life, the one that they put up with for sooooo many years, has now found sobriety and leaves them because "the co-dependent is not healthy for their recovery"

Infuriating...yes....true....yes.

Camer has good advice....find yourself a meeting, keep coming here, and begin your own recovery to a healthy, happy life.

Good luck,

Lolli

May 25, 2005
6:29 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hey cherrysoda,

Welcome to our site!

I agree with Camer and Lollipop...codependency is something that many of us here have struggled with and have learned to overcome in differing degrees.

You may need to explore the roots of your own codependency more to find out where the "people-pleasing" and rescuing behaviors started, then work at convincing yourself that those are outdated and harmful responses that you need to let go of.

One thing that I need to say, though, is that your bf can't use your behavior as an excuse for why he is/was the way he is/was. Being locked into addictions is something that we cannot blame anyone else for but ourselves. Don't make yourself an easy "out" for him or he will blame you if he ever slips up. He has to realize that starting and overcoming addictions are a matter of personal choosing. Where codas enter the picture is when they/we make it easy for the addict to get their fix.

Learning healthy behaviors is a long process but definitely worth it. You will learn to look at life in living color instead of all in black-and-white.

Regards,

CM

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