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Help! What happened to me -- Am I codependent?
February 26, 2010
12:11 pm
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10toDinner
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I am gay man and think I'm a codependent.

I was seeing a guy who I also believe to be a codependent for about 5 months and it ended towards the end of January this year. Even though it was me that ended it, I really didn't want to but I couldn't take the pressures it brought my life any longer. I loved this man -- or so I thought with all my heart.

It ended very badly. During our time together we had many make-ups and break-ups, and every time they got worse. He was apparently suffering from pot addiction, sex addiction, and love addiction, I wasn't really sure what sex and love addictions were, I didn't even bother looking them up on the internet until our relationship ended.

He would often have to masturbate 3 - 5 times a day, wake me up in the middle of the night to relieve him often and he started cheating on me in early January -- When I caught him cheating he begged me for forgiveness and for another chance -- I gave him that chance..

I felt I was strong and could handle anything - I tried not to react to this aggressively or too over emotionally, but sometimes I couldn't help being upset.

One night I refused to relieve him in bed and he jumped out of bed like a big child pounding his fists on the mattress, as I got up out of bed he ran at me and as the bed which is on wheels, it came away from the wall and I fell between the wall and the bed helpless.

I was a bit scared so I of course defended myself and kicked my legs up in air until he finally got off me. He calmed down as I did and we talked. There is a little more to this particular part but I think you get the picture. Yup, we forgave each other and for the rest of that week apart the odd disagreement we got on well.

Until after the weekend, I just felt completely worn down by it all and felt as if I wanted out.

Now this is where I think I am codependent... Why would I want to be in this type of relationship? Why am I in love with this man?

Now looking back, I don't think ever truly wanted out all, but it was so unhealthy, so why would I put up with this? I think I truly loved him and I still do. Our 5 months felt like years together, we were so relaxed with each other in many ways and I felt this guy was the one I could move forward with to perfect partnership...

I can almost hear you all thinking I'm nuts to have thought this!

So, I ended it as I felt I couldn't date and addict or fix him to perfection, I was slowly pushing him away, but when I finally did it broke me, as he wouldn't speak to me. This has weakened me beyond anything I could imagine could, I wrote to him, text him, called him, but no response.

I have been angry, as much as he has, on the grapevine I heard he was mixing with love addicts at meetings, and an ex-boyfriend of his told me that he was trying to get back with him and making all sorts of sexual innuendoes at him when they met up by chance recently -- this made me feel sick to the stomach.

I have cried so much I could sail in them -- what is worse, is he has now hit me with a temporary restraining order that has the most unbelievable lies in it about me, which if made permenant will stain my character forever.

Some of our mutual friends say he wants to punish me for ending our relationship the way did, for abandoning him. But I tried to get back with him so badly -- but I have failed which is probably not a bad thing in light of things.

I diagnosed out relationship to him in letters but he has never responded -- he must have known I loved him. But some people who know him have said to me this is his sick way of getting back at me and he will just move on to his next codependent victim so as not to face himself.

I am a mess over all of this and have to put on a brave face to the world every day, I have only let a small group of people who are close to us know the truth about temporary restraining order and I am so ashamed this has happened to my life.

I am a hard working successful professional and people would be shocked to hear this is happening to me.

I am so sad behind closed doors, I can't pull myself out of this pain. One on one therapy has not worked for me so far -- all they say is "let's focus on you". But this something I feel I need to face so as I never NEVER go through it again. At times I have wanted to die, it's that bad... But I love life, and don't want to leave it, but the pain/upset won't go away and I am even crying as I write these words.

What can I do? I need help so badly and I don't know who to turn to?

February 26, 2010
2:50 pm
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CAMER
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hi 10todinner......you are most likely suffering from low self esteem. Which alot of codpendents do.

You are grieving the ended relationship, that is normal.

Your gut instinct was telling you something was wrong, and you were healthy enough to stop the relationship.

Now for your heart to heal..

I can't tell you how many times, i'd say "oh i'll never to that again, or be with a "such and such" type of person" but i was wrong, i went thru so many bad coda behaviors, tried fixing my men, putting up with abuse, putting up with alot of unhealthy stuff. It just took time, and time again to realize what I wanted and what I need.

Keep posting here, it helps, and mostly know that you are not alone!!!

((((camer))))

February 26, 2010
3:19 pm
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10toDinner
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Thank you Camer!

This reply helps, just being listened to REALLY helps... I guess I am just trying to find answers and to make sense of my stupidity in all of this.

The sad thing is he is having a baby through surrogacy in the summer and I was so prepared to part of the child's life with him.

I feel sad for the child, as the more I look back I see just how self destructive and dysfunctional this person was.

But I am also looking at MY part in this too, and I do see my silly mistakes.

This person was crying out for help, I loved him -- I just didn't have the qualifications to help him.

Thanks again!

February 26, 2010
3:27 pm
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darkeyes
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hi 10todinner..yes when we fall so much in love we are gutted when it ends..but you have seen all the red flags...i was in a situation with a guy i fell so much in love with, he didnt want to know but he said i hurt him badly how il never know..i texted him so many times with apologies and to make amends nothing has worked.. the next step was a restraining order also on me but the people on here pointed that out to me and i stopped.. take one day at a time, you will heal..you tried now it time to let go...

February 26, 2010
3:58 pm
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Again, thanks darkeyes.

I can't believe actually believe I have a temporary restraining order on me which has been requested through pure lies.

So sad. Sometimes sitting down calmly and talking could have achieved so much more.

I am certainly not threat to him, the law is a bit screwd up where restraining orders are concerned in my opinion -- people take full advantage of them and misuse them to reap revenge, I am a victim of that.

However - it has hepled see certain evils in the person I thought loved me. I certainly loved him and if we had just taken the 'grown-up' route we would surely be friends now.

He is still wrapped up in his world of drama and is pretending nothing is wrong in his life, I am facing my problems and dealing with my weaknesses.

I am just sad the outcome was so extreme.

Thanks again!

February 26, 2010
4:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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You were only together for 5 months. During that brief time period, you had a series of make-ups and break-ups? Those were serious red flags: jumping into the sack too soon; living together before really knowing and committing to one another; considering co-parenting a child with someone you have only known for 5 months?

Whoa. And your final comment: "This person was crying out for help..."

To me, that is classic "codie" talk. You are taking responsibility for HIS problems, HIS issues, HIS dysfunctional behaviors. This man did not love you. Someone who has to have orgasms (via sex or masturbation) 3-5X daily is avoiding intimacy and using their partner(s) as a piece of meat. They are addicted to the "high" they get when having the orgasm, since it actually does release pleasure-stimulating chemicals in the brain.

And to wake you up and forcefully "have his way" with you?

That's rape in my book. Emotionally and physically...you were VIOLATED.

If you can, please seek out private therapy/counseling to find out WHY you would need a relationship with such a damaged, toxic human being. If you don't, you may wind up in -- yet another -- toxic mess or one that is even worse.

Save yourself. You cannot save him or anyone else.

- Ma Strong

February 26, 2010
4:08 pm
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Hey StronginHim77!

I know all of of this now... But it's painful to hear - the truth really hurts -- but thank you. Like I said I need to hear it, those 5 months seem like 2 years.

Very strange... I can't believe I allowed this into my life, only then for it to end SO badly with courts.

And yes, sometimes it felt like rape, and I felt so disgusting after sex with him sometimes, you are right -- It wasn't love and I am coming to terms with that now.

Thanks 🙂

February 26, 2010
4:20 pm
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I'm sorry for what you are going through. I was attracted to a man and had deep feelings for him for nearly two years, despite the fact that he was addicted to sex and incapable of loving anyone. He had major porn issues and had to masturbate all through the night. I was not living with him and did not have sex with him. But I allowed myself to develop feelings for him, even though I knew what he was all about.

So, I can relate to how bad you feel...how ashamed...how betrayed...how lost. I get it.

You WILL heal in time. Don't expect to hear from him. This type gets very bitter and enraged when rejected (from their point of view) in any manner. Heck, just questioning them can push them over the edge. They want sex with NO ties, no humanity, no love.

I truly feel bad for you. You have been used and abused. But you will recover.

Again, I really hope you will seek private counseling, if you have the means. It sure helped me sort my way through it.

- Ma Strong

February 26, 2010
4:35 pm
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Wow -- sounds like we know the same man! LOL

I am looking for good counseling now actually...

The temporary restraining order thing really bothers me as it's all lies. I think if that wasn't looming over my head I'd get over it a lot quicker.

To be honest who knows what the court will say?? I have good lawyer, witnesses and evidence and he has bunch of voice messages and texts of me screaming at him.

This guy knew how to push buttons in people, I only hope justice prevails...

your advice means a lot right now 🙂

February 26, 2010
5:13 pm
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darkeyes
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10todinner.. chelonia posted a tread, how to spot a charmer/abuser, it might give you a little more insight into what you going through..it helped me understand a bit more.. hold your hands up to what you did wrong, but not to what this guy is responsible for cos thats what we as co-dependants do..stop beating yourself up, start to take care of you now.. deal with the restraining order as best you can, get all the help you can, its about you now not this other guy..take on step at a time..and i hear what your saying....

February 26, 2010
5:13 pm
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darkeyes
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10todinner.. chelonia posted a tread, how to spot a charmer/abuser, it might give you a little more insight into what you going through..it helped me understand a bit more.. hold your hands up to what you did wrong, but not to what this guy is responsible for cos thats what we as co-dependants do..stop beating yourself up, start to take care of you now.. deal with the restraining order as best you can, get all the help you can, its about you now not this other guy..take on step at a time..and i hear what your saying....

February 26, 2010
6:02 pm
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10toDinner
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Thanks everyone! I shall be reading what chelonia posted on the thread on how to spot a charmer/abuser...

I can't believe I fell for this person. I do hold my hands up to my part in all this mess, however I feel he doesn't.

This really helps

February 26, 2010
10:33 pm
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10toDinner
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Thanks everyone! I shall be reading what chelonia posted on the thread on how to spot a charmer/abuser...

I can't believe I fell for this person. I do hold my hands up to my part in all this mess, however I feel he doesn't.

This really helps

February 27, 2010
5:25 am
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darkeyes
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sorry 10todinner. the name of the tread is "how to become prey to a charmer/abuser..wishing you well in all this..

February 27, 2010
5:25 am
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sorry 10todinner. the name of the tread is "how to become prey to a charmer/abuser..wishing you well in all this..

February 27, 2010
12:28 pm
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This was a great help! Thanks

March 2, 2010
7:46 pm
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can anyone add thoughts to this?

March 3, 2010
8:27 am
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CAMER
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take things one day at a time, never give up on you, keep up the therapy and heck, maybe even Coda meetings....logon to http://www.coda.org

and keep posting, as you write your feelings and get feedback it all helps in the healing process.

(((camer)))

March 16, 2010
11:47 am
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UPDATE!

The liar was exposed and I am no longer in this mess. Thanks for all your support. 🙂

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