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Help, there is a lack of support here
September 20, 2006
7:57 pm
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cammyjo
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Hi everyone, just as I felt myself going over the edge, I found this site. I am a codependent, and my BF would be considered "healthy", and I am driving him crazy, which in turn is driving me crazy.
This "discussion" breaks out at least every 3 days that I am not being supportive of him. That I am unable to be positive, help him make decisions (right down to what to have for dinner) and that I am emotionally a "wounded little girl, looking for someone to take care of her"
What is so hard to admit is that he is right, and I have been dealing with this for 7 yrs. This can't keep going on, and sometimes the "discussions" are not pretty. I also feel that in fear of them starting again I keep one foot in the relationship and one foot ready to run. Run back to my sisters house where I know I will have "someone to take care of me" and I can continue my behavior. I want to stop this, and be a free and loving individual, with the ability to express myself, and confidence to make decisions. There is no support group in my area, and I have been in therapy for years that hasn't seem to help. My fear at times seems irrational and I best describe it as "a desperate need to feel safe and secure" Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

September 20, 2006
8:05 pm
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Welcome, cammyjo

Why does your bf expect you to help him decide what to have for dinner? Hmmm, why are you so sure that *you* are sick and *he* is healthy? Sounds like maybe you're both contributing to unhealthy dynamics.

When you say you have been dealing with this for 7 years, do you mean you have been in therapy for 7 years? or in the relationship for 7 years?

Good luck... I think that by finding this place you are setting off on a good journey.

take care, kroika

September 20, 2006
8:30 pm
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cammyjo
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Hi Kroika
I have been in the relationship for 7 yrs, and yes, the possibility for him making his contribution has certainly crossed my mind. However after so many years of getting "mind scr**ed that it is all my fault that I feel convinced that he is right. Things would be different and all wonderful if I would change my behavoir.

September 21, 2006
12:32 am
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Hi cammyjo.

If you are the one that does the grocery shopping and cooking, then those decisions should be yours, with a certain amount of respect for his preferences.

But if he is expecting to create the menu and then also expecting you to have it all put together on his dinner table......

I know one thing. My husband began to take an interest in cooking and micro-managing what had been MY domain for years about the time when he was losing control of his business. He had to control something.

You have a right to your feelings.

Neither of you gains by the finger-pointing and blaming. If he wants NOT to be the nurturing parent to you but wants YOU to be that for him, it almost sounds like both of you are trying to get the other one to be the parent, the responsible one.

Trust your feelings. Get some voices going in your head that do some cheerleading for you, that champion you. Just because someone else says something is so DOES NOT MAKE IT SO. Try to figure out a way to make it on your own if this relationship does not work out. Try not to assume you have to run to your sister.

You CAN control your own behavior. You can't control his. He can't control yours. You're OK. You're just fine!!

September 21, 2006
3:03 am
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doubleloss
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hi cammy. welcome to this site. it has been very helpful for me and i hopw it is for you too.

why does your bf say that you are a little girl that needs someone to take care of? when does he say that? what triggers it?
how do you respond?
did you feel like that prior to being part of this relationship? are you able to tell your bf your true feelings without being critized?

i'm just asking to have some context and because i find that when people ask me questions i need to look at things carefully and that has help me to start to make sense of some things.

it's dangerous when someone is constantly chipping at your self-esteem, to the point that you no longer know what you really think. I don't know if that is the case with you, but keep posting.

September 21, 2006
7:36 am
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Robert123
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Cammy. I heard something one time,"two people in a relationship will have approximately the same emotional health". If this is the case then your boyfriend may need to do some work also. Your willingness to take on all the problems in your relationship is not realistic, sounds unhealthy, and is possibly codependant. The good news is those are things you can do something about. Look into Codependents.org and see if any of this applies. Don't take it all on yourself though.

September 21, 2006
8:43 am
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cammyjo
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Thank you for that link, Robert. I appreciate everyones's feedback. Yes Doubleloss, I have to say that "the chipping away at my self esteem" has me in those questions constantly.

We are in the middle of one of those things now. Last night he got out of bed when I came in to lay down. He claimed he couldn't sleep in the bed with me because I had this "stuff" all over me, and it was "getting on him" The stuff being my negativity, funny, I wasn't feeling negative.

I talk about this with my friends and sometimes my siblings, however the problem is I don't feel comfortable and welcome with him at family functions now and I am afriaid that everyone is just getting tired of me talking to them about it. They all want me to just leave.

I often wonder if he isn't bi-polar and everytime he has a down shift mood I get the blame for it.

September 21, 2006
12:42 pm
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ShortCake
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cammyjo,

It takes two to make every relationship work. If you were the ONLY person who was codependent then you would not be 7 years into this relationship. Its sounds like he blames you for so many things and after so long you are accepting all the blame and taking on the burden to change yourself only. Keep in mind, working on yourself and growing within yourself is great. However, don't take all the blame. I think everyone has wrote great advice. Keep you head up and remember, if you did not feel negative last night when he got into bed, then it was not you it was him.

September 21, 2006
1:32 pm
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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I agree. It also seems to me, as if, he is trying to place all of the blame onto you for everything. And, it also seems to me as if, you are accepting that blame.

Honey, he is brain washing you. He wants you to feel confused. He doesn't want you to be able to think for yourself, and be able to make your own decisions.

And, from what you have written...it seems to me as if, he is beginning to succeed with having him do your thinking for you. Instead of you being the one to think for yourself.

It definitely seems to me, as if he is trying to pin all of the negativity onto you, whenever he makes those comments about, him not being able to continue laying down on the bed, because your "stuff" is leaking onto him. (Or however he had phrased it.)

He definitely doesn't sound like someone who loves you. Because, if he did, then he would be more then happy, and willing to allow you to lay down beside him on the bed. Because he would WANT you to.

It seems to me as if, he's trying to distance himself from you, what with all of his negative comments towards you. And, also with him physically removing himself away from you.

Keep your head held high, as you don't have anything to be ashamed of, about yourself, my love. HE is the one that has the problematic attitude.

The best of luck to you my dear.

Trying.

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