Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
HELP, PLEASE HELP!
July 13, 2007
6:01 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm reposting this in a new thread because I need feedback ASAP PLEASE!

HEEEEELPPP!!!

He's out of rehab! Early! His parents got him out of there this afternoon and gave him the keys to their house! I thought he'd be out of reach for a couple more days. But no! Now he's sending me emails asking how I'm doing, where am I at, am I mad at him, why won't I respond... He still loves me, do I hate him, he's so hurt and on and on and on.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Do I keep ignoring him? Do I respond and let him know I can't have anything to do with him? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt as his parents are doing?

This is so hard. I care about him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but what about me? What about MY feelings?

I think I'll just take a sleeping pill and take myself to bed. I can't deal with this anymore.

HEEEELLLPPP!!!

July 13, 2007
6:15 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh Honey. I wish I knew what to say to you. Take care of yourself first. You can only do for others once you are taken care of. I understand the need to escape into sleep. Please let us all know how you are doing.

Bitsy

July 13, 2007
7:03 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

seven pm not too early to go to bed, is it? I'll just pray that tomorrow'll be a better day and I can just... be stronger. that is, if I can sleep through the night.

no more news from him. he must be at a meeting. or drinking. which... isn't my problem anymore, right?

zzzz

July 13, 2007
7:07 pm
Avatar
Honolulugal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi girlfriend,

Might some time and distance be just the ticket? Sounds really confusing to me right this moment.

Maybe sleep is best, to recharge your batteries, huh?

H-gal

July 13, 2007
11:01 pm
Avatar
Lisa Ann
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi there - I'm not totally sure of the situation, but this is definitely a difficult situation. Can you tell me more about why he went to rehab? Was this his first treatment? How long had you been dating?

I have been through 3 different treatments, but this past treatment is going to be my last. Treatment is tough - especially for those that are not ready and just forced into it. But, if that person is ready to get sober, treatment is wonderful.

I hope you are able to get some sleep and I can totally understand your pain, I have been on both sides of this situation.

Keep posting - people here are wonderful to listen and be there for you.

July 13, 2007
11:12 pm
Avatar
serenityali
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Huh? Is he out of treatment early because he wanted to leave, if this is the case it's against staff advise. The other reason could be his insurance wouldn't pay for additional time and there could be other reasons as well. However, if he did leave before completion, I personally don't think that's a good sign.

I am also recovering and know that if you want to get well, you do what ever it takes. You follow recommendations.... People do get well if they are ready to do so.

Take care of you...it's up to him to take care of himself. Alanon is a wonderful support program for people who care about someone who has an addiction. But you come first.

Ali

July 14, 2007
12:09 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just woke up again after just four hours of sleep - even with the sleeping pills, am too anxious to stay in bed. I couldn't help but check my phone and email and my heart sank when I saw he hadn't contacted me again. Maybe he really is getting better, in which case, I really am hurting him by now believing in him and also depriving myself of his wonderful presence because he can be the most comforting man to be around... rarely met someone so loving and affectionate and caring and I miss him like crazy.

Lisa Ann, you were asking about more details - my original post titled "on the way to being the ex" should fill you in on quite a few details. I did change a few key facts just to retain anonymity in case he or his family are visiting this forum.

Though it might seem like we hadn't been dating very long it's been one of those whilwind kind of romances where we met at one of the worst periods in both our lives but as we retraced our steps, we found that we had so many things in common - many common acquaintances, worked in similar industries (he even worked in my office building at one point).. we went to the same grade school, even though I must have gone to at least twelve different shools, if not more, in different cities and countries even! And beyond that we have similar multi-cultural backgrounds, similar appreciation for arts and music and good nutrition and spritiuality...

I'm sure we've all used that word "soulmates" ad nauseam, but in this case, we really are an incredible match - it's almost like we're two sides of the same medal (people have even asked us if we're related because apparently we can pass for siblings), only I'm the version who'se not addicted to substances (just men and drama and... sex with the men I fall in love with) and he's the one who's addicted to booze and cocaine (though surprisingly, very much a serial monogamist).

This is apparently his second treatment and he's left early both times because apparently the staff have found him to be a "recuperable" case because he's very smart and "already is familiar with all the tools" and "very motivated to stay sober". And apparently it's been agreed between him and his caretakers that this is the best course of action. But how do I know if he's telling the truth?

He went in very motivated to get better and he HAS in fact been very focused on staying sober and building his life back but... there are so many scary factors to deal with, like the fact that he's unemployed (though so am I as I'm on disability leave right now dealing with mental health issues - WITH pay), he doesn't have a place of his own, and a very scary ex who is also an addict and refuses to get help and keeps harrassing him.

I've been really compassionate and wanting to be helpful and make things work for us, because it's the first time in ten years I've allowed myself to fall this hard for a man (last ex was an addict too, and we were together for five years, took me ten years to get over HIM) - for once, here's someone who "gets" me and loves me exactly as I am and doesn't ask me to change. And it's just so hard.

July 14, 2007
3:58 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI Girlfriend:

Well, it looks as you have some real soul searching to do and also some reality checking to do before making any decisions. I don't know what is best for you so let me share my life w/ you.

I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years. It was abusive, mostly emotionally yet some physical. It was nothing but constant fear. That relationship finally ended. A few years later I met hubby #2. He was everything I wanted. He treated me well, he understood me, he actually loves me. We discussed everything before marrying. We agreed on everything before we married. Well, long story short, he lied. He lied about his addiction because he wanted to not have it and thought he could quit. At one point I left him and we did addiction/marriage counseling while separated. We were separated a month. Honestly, I went back to soon. He has used and quit many times in our 15 year marriage. Yes, we are still together.

Honey, get the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and read it. No matter what you feel finish the book and have NO contact until you do. You need to decide what you want in your life. There is a thread here called No Contact. Find it and follow along and post. It will be a big help to you. I'll find it and put it at the top for you. Depending when you see this as to how far it will be down, but find it.

I will tell you from my experience... for an addict to change they most have a major reason. The reason is because they like the addiction. They may hate it, but they love the high and the bein taken away affect it has on them. I am not saying your man cannot change, but what I am saying is that it will take time. A long time to know if he can stay off his addiction. My son was recently in rehab and they said 7 in 10 will fall back into their addiction before the first year is up. It is true. So, if your man wants you back, great, make him jump thru the proper hoops to prove his geniune want to be clean. Make him take the counseling, the AA or NA, practice the 12 steps, and mostly go to the meetings every week. I agree w/ above... if he is out early it is because he checked himself out or the insurance wouldn't pay and in either case, he is nowhere near ready to handle this mean ol world clean and sober w/o bein equipped w/ the proper tools, and if he's out early he did not get the full set of tools he needs.

I wish you the best. I'll go find the thread and put it at the top for you. Keep posting. You are at the right place.

July 14, 2007
7:24 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thx cinnamon. I will for sure find Codenpendent No More and read it, it's been recommended so many times on this board... I know I'm doing the right thing by distancing myself from him, but the transition is so hard... the withdrawal symptoms hurt more than all the drama when I'm WITH him. I'll look for that thread you mentioned too right now.

It's beautiful and sunny outside... and it's only just past 7 in the morning, and already I have no will to do anything but stay in bed - how sad is that? I feel like this whole story with him has taken away my will to live. It's just awful. I have to learn to stay away from manipulative men like that. When will I lean?

July 14, 2007
7:42 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK I have been on your other thread. And my ex had a cocaine addiction too. He could not hold a job, not for very long. This was all 12 years ago for me. Today, I make really good money, have a nice home, the kids are not into drugs, are good kids but my ex though sober still does not hold a real job. He works when he wants to so half the time he does not. He tries to get out of child support too and does not work so he does not have to pay much. He claims to make $750 a month, that is gross salary and we live in one of the riches counties in the US. This is a joke. So why should he work because he lives his girlfriend and she takes very good care of him. Meanwhile he still texts me message that he still loves me. All I would have to do is say the word and he would move in a heartbeat. Except for one thing, I am smarter now and I WILL NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Don't want it.

Right now you are depressed which is perfectly ok to be feeling this way. So today you feel like laying in bed. But each day will get better, it truly will. This will all pass. Time is universal healer to all wounds. Takes awhile but it happens. Things will fall back into place when you feel better. Take care of your own personal needs as you recover, like a person who is sick.

July 14, 2007
7:59 am
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI girlfriend,

Wow, Mamacinnamon wrote a wonderfully powerful post. She's been there and is living through it.

I have never been involved with an addict so I am coming from a different place. But I have felt the heartbreak of a failed relationship so I can relate in that sense.

I know how difficult it is. And I can relate when you said you had no motivation to even get out of bed. I was like that in the beginning. I was so sad, I couldn't function at all. Yes, I did go to work but I conducted myself like a zombie- Just going through the motions. I would cry at the drop of a hat and I am generally not a crier. I posted here at that time (Broken HEarted and I need helP) and slowly I began to feel better. The support that I have received has been overwhelming. I learned so much from reading all the feedback and just from expressing myself on a regular basis.

Please don't give up. LIke Mamacinnamon said, let him work on his recovery before you go in and try to be the helpful soul that you are. I know you mean well but it won't really help him and you will only suffer in the long run.

Read that book (it is the most wonderful book, by the way). ALso, WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH is an eye opener. BOth have changed my life.

Your distancing yourself from him doesn't have to be a permanent break. See how serious he is about his recovery. Then make a decision (way down the line) whether it is right for you to continue.

Have you even seen the show "INTERVENTION"? It is a wonderful show on the A and E channel (FRIDAYS at 10). Watch it if you can. You will see how people who love the addict often make matters worse for the addict by being so accomodating. You can also contact the show and share your story. They might take your bf on for an intervention.. The show has been very successful and has been highlighted on programs like Larry King and Oprah. Even if you choose not to contact the show, you will learn what behaviors loved ones should avoid.

Well good luck. I know how hard this is for you and I can see you are really trying (but struggling at the same time).

Listen to all the people here who have been through it.

I wish you the best.

Sad

July 14, 2007
8:16 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi taj, sad... I'm so drained. Been depressed for a couple of months now. I have my own problems to take care of and T kept saying to me "but I can be there for you" and I truly thought that after years of being on my own... with just the occasional flavour of the month here and there... he could make a difference. Sometimes "all you need is love", you know?

But maybe h-gal has the answer. I wish I could literally get a ticket and put lost of distance between us. I've been wanting to leave this city for so many years now. Been thinking about moving literally to another continent, since I have a brother who lives there and has already offered to help me transition.

I know running away is never a solution, but sometimes starting fresh can give us a boost, and I was considering moving before I met T. No matter where I go though... I keep falling for guys who just use me and hurt my feelings.

Sorry for having this little pitty-party. going back to bed now.

July 14, 2007
9:19 am
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Take care of yourself. I need to log off but you keep taking care of YOU. I used to believe in that all you need is love. But there is more to a relationship than just love. Love does not mean you get through everything. No. You have to show it and be active in it, not just say it. Let this guy prove himself on his own. He is big boy and needs to learn to take care of himself and get himself out of his own messes. I have moved before. Sometimes change is good. I don't believe in that it is running away. Sometimes you do need a fresh start. It depends. Go get some sleep and then if you feel a little better try to do something a little constructive. Staying busy always helped me. If if it is hard. Life does get better. give it time.

July 14, 2007
10:02 am
Avatar
Lisa Ann
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, these posts have been great. This is truly a great thread. I can relate to so much of what is being said in these. I have been involved in many relationships that revolved around addiction and alcohol. They were miserable. Now, I am a recovering alcoholic and learning so much about addiction and recovery. The recovery program for addictions is so much like the recovery program for co-dependency. It's amazing. I'm working on both issues at the same time and ultimately, the goal is to learn to love myself and be okay with who I am - alone! I actually did that, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it was miserable for two weeks - but, the one thing I realized, during that two weeks is that I can do it alone. I don't need to be with him to be ok with everything, but I want to be with him. The reasons I want to be with him is because he truly loves me, believes in me and would do anything for me. His support through all of this has been wonderful and I'm actually more content with life and happier now than I ever have been. In that two week break, I read Co-dependent No More and I learned so much. I have a feeling that is a big part of why I am feeling the way I am. I don't need a relationship, however, I am chosing to be in one because I want to and this relationship is actually a healthy one - I can't believe it. I never thought there was someone like this out there for me. I didn't think I deserved someone like this, but guess what??? I do. I'm a very good person and he is lucky, just like I am. It has taken a while to get to this point, but you have all the tools available to you, so work hard to focus on yourself. You can do it!

I hope you get some rest and keep posting - it really helps a lot!

Lisa Ann

July 14, 2007
3:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Lisa Ann,

I'm glad you're finding these threads helpful. sometimes when I'm in my darkest moments, I take consolation in the fact that just hanging in there and finding my way out of difficulty is somehow helping and providing inspirations to others. I know this because I write a lot as part of my "therapy" - have a couple of blogs where I work out a lot of my issues as a matter of fact.

This isn't my first crisis, and I sometimes am amazed to see that my friends are still there for me - don't they tire of all the drama? But apparently not. It seems all of us have our own dramas in life. That is the human condition. I've been working on myself a lot in the past decade. I've turned to yoga and meditation as ways of regaining my sanity and it's been tremendously helpful.

The funny thing is, I know I'm in trouble when I STOP doing those things. The same way I guess and addict can tell he or she is in trouble when they START taking the substances... in my case it's when I STOP doing the things I know are important and good for my physical and mental wellbeing... that's when I know I've fallen off the wagon.

So today, I gave myself two very simple goals: do a few minutes of yoga (even a few minutes helps, if only psychologically), and meditate. I've done both and even made the bed and cleared the dishes in the kitchen feel much more sane and calm already.

The trouble with goal making is before I know it I want to tackle my hundred-plus item list, and of course that's not possible and very discouraging, so I have to focus on SMALL ATTAINABLE goals, especially on days like today.

It's incredibly humbling to have to admit to the fact that on some days (like today) even the fact that I've done the bed and dishes is worthy of mentioning, but then again, when I get depressed, I've been known to just lie in bed and wallow for days and weeks on end, and that's what keeps me in that dark and needy place to begin with.

So the third goal which I've set for myself today: get out of the house and buy a few groceries. And then and only then, I will at least have a look at that hundred plus item list and see if there are a few items I can check off... and set two or three more attainable goals for tomorrow... one of which will be to start getting some sort of routine together. Not actually FOLLOWING the routine immediately, mind you, but at least figuring out what my routine should be.

Again, I feel ashamed to share with you all just how dysfuntional I can get when I'm in a state like this... and I certainly hope that one day I can find the strength to keep enough of a balance so I don't have to start over every single time... but then again... the healing all starts from self-forgiveness and self-acceptance and no matter how often we fall, the key is to accept our mistakes and our fumbles and tumbles and just keep picking ourselves up again.

Right. That being said, I need to shower and get out of the house for a few minutes.

I'll more than likely be reading and posting again soon enough.

I send hugs and my unconditional loving thoughts to you all.

July 14, 2007
4:03 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

the girlfriend,

The friend I've recently let go of is a recovering alcoholic. I stayed entangled in his life for 16 years. I played several roles in his life, but not one of them was healthy. "He gets me. I've never loved anyone like this before. The sex is incredible. We are so good together." Those things and more I said, and I meant them. My "friend" is truly intelligent, gifted, funny - so much potential. But even friendship was and is way too much work. In a way, I was relieved to hear that he had started dating someone because I couldn't let go. Only now can I really see how hanging on to him poisoned other areas of my life. He certainly doesn't bring out the best in me. He's quicksand.

You'd be better off putting your time into yourself and later someone else. He cannot even take care of himself. How can he help you? I'm sure he is very charming and passionate. They have to be. It's survival. You wouldn't consider him otherwise - no job, tied to his parents, etc, etc.

I'm sorry. But I say, run like the wind...

mpoppins

July 14, 2007
4:27 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When in doubt do nothing. The priority here is yourself and after that is making sure this guy is not on anymore drugs or alcohol. I think u need to ignore the emotional and social crap and get to the point with this guy and ask him to tell you what happened during his stay at rehab. If he tells you he successfully completed the program, learned his lesson and has plans to lead a drug free productive life and can think of someone besides himself I would say that is a start. If he tells you that the program sucked, the people were a-holes, he got kicked out, didnt think he needed the program then just let him know that he is not in a position to be in a relationship with you at this time. The fact he lives with mom and dad and they had to get him out tells me all I need to know about this guy (PATHETIC). Tell him not to contact you again until he complets a rehab program successfully, finds a job, moves out of mom and dads, and GOD forbid does something for you, like picks u up in his car and takes you out for dinner. If he cant then he is obviously not in a position to be courting women.

July 14, 2007
5:50 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mpoppins, thanks so much for your insights. Sounds like you're describing my guy... to a T! Oh wow, I must be doing better if I can joke about it, so there is hope... guess it's all about weathering the ups and downs... and I know this is not over.

Destiny, you made some comments about gaining insights from his reaction to rehab, and the fact is we had been in contact through it all. He was calling me every day, sometimes several times a day and then we spent time together on the w/e's and what kept me there and waiting for him was the fact that he had nothing but good things to say about the experience.

Mind you, he wasn't being OVERLY positive about it - i.e. his assesment sounded very realistic. Saying for instance that he was really grateful to have such a good group to work with, and that they were really learning from each other during group therapy, that the exchanges with his counselors was tough but he was dealing with his issues and he could see how beneficial it was. He even made friends with someone there who seems like a really okay person (I met him briefly and got a good vibe off this new friend).

I found all of this very encouraging precisely BECAUSE he seems to have the right attitude about it his recovery, and seems to really want it for himself. Wants to finally give himself the life he's been robbing of himself with the booze and drugs for all these years, and it seems meeting me... if wasn't his REASON for wanting to get better, gave him INSPIRATION to do so.

I believe that, because several guys (i.e. more than three) I've known in my life have contacted me after a number of years and told me they decided to get sober or make some important and life-affirming changes after meeting me. I never went back with them because by then I'd moved on, but it does gives me some measure of consolation to know that somehow I've been a positive influence in their lives.

T was released early for reasons that have nothing to do with him trying to get out of it, but apparently they found he'd done the work that was needed and suggested he'd be better served by reintegrating the "real world" and getting his life back on track.

He's a really exceptional guy and I know it's all sounding doubtful, but I also know from my own personal experience that sometimes people do get a break in life - when you show true commitment to getting better, then people respond to that. And so far.. that's what he's shown.

Fact is I haven't heard from him since yesterday and I surmise this is because he's genuinely hurt that I gave up my trust in him. What he doesn't realize yet is that I just needed to step back and give him a chance to prove himself.

As you say Destiny, until he can show that he's able to stay sober and stand on his own two feet and hold down a job and his own place and take me out on a real date and treat me like a lady, then we're better off not pursuing things.

If it's meant to be, then he'll get better and we'll be seeing more of each other in future. If not... then so be it. I have my own life to get in order either way.

One day... one day I'll finally be with a guy who'se got it together, who knows? Could even be T (can't blame a girl for keeping the hope alive). But I know I need to get myself to that place of wellbeing first, and the rest will follow...

July 14, 2007
11:43 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

As I read back on this last thing I wrote I think: Why do I defend him so much? Probably because I have a hard time accepting that once again, I've made a really poor choice in partners.

No news from him. Which is just as well. I need to get myself to bed. I'm trying to work out a schedule for myself and it's SO HARD! Either I'm too strict and try to get too much done and then I get discouraged or I'm too loose and then nothing gets done... or if it does, then it's just kinda... random. It's so hard getting on the right track and doing the right thing all the time, without anyone to be accountable to. But it is what it is, and I guess it'll all make me stronger in the end, right? Words to console myself by...

Good night all. Be safe, be good to yourselves. (((hugs)))

July 15, 2007
1:55 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Girlfriend:

Glad to see you are a little better today. You said above...

"Again, I feel ashamed to share with you all just how dysfuntional I can get when I'm in a state like this... and I certainly hope that one day I can find the strength to keep enough of a balance so I don't have to start over every single time... but then again... the healing all starts from self-forgiveness and self-acceptance and no matter how often we fall, the key is to accept our mistakes and our fumbles and tumbles and just keep picking ourselves up again.

Honey, we are all this dysfunctional in this type state. That's what makes us codependents. That's what makes us unwilling to forgive ourshelves. That's what keeps us in the same ol rut most of our lives. It is only ourselves that can change ourselves. Yes, "his" attitude has a bearing on your mood, and I want to say only to the degree you allow it to, but I also have a problem in this area. Don't be so hard on yourself.

There is a post I am copying from the libs side. It was made by someone other than me so I'll not say much about it, but I think if we could find our "happy place" that is mentioned then maybe we could cope a bit better. Here is the post....

""Do you have a "happy place"?

I learned about this from one of my daughters.

Here's en example. Morning comes and she gets up late for school, forgot to put her clothes in the dryer so now she has to find something else to wear but she hasn't done laundry in awhile and everything's dirty, having a bad hair day, her sister took her eyeliner, forgets her main binder with last nights homework and her 1 page cheat sheet notes for the algebra test at home,and gets to school to find out her best friend is home sick. the day's just ruined. WAter Polo practice runs late, I pick her up, she's exhausted and starving as we drive home- she says practically nothing. We get home and her brother has been in her room and taken some cd's, dinner isn't ready kuz I forgot to pull something out and haven't gone grocery shopping in awhile. My husband gets on her case for leaving her dirty clothes in the bathroom. she heads to the bathroom, I'm in the kitchen, and -

I see her going to the garage flinging a tshirt around like a flag, and she's singing- yep, singing, dancing on the way, doing cute little teenage strut dances with a t-shirt.

Starts in on her laundry, does a charade about how big her clothes are now that she's been half starved to death, and heads down the hallway,

still singing and strut-dancing.

My husband " God that girl is psycho."

Me: "nope. She's in her happy place." "

Hope this helps some Girlfriend. 🙂

July 15, 2007
2:02 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Girlfriend:

I just read this.... "T was released early for reasons that have nothing to do with him trying to get out of it, but apparently they found he'd done the work that was needed and suggested he'd be better served by reintegrating the "real world" and getting his life back on track."

Girlfriend... Yes, I agree reintegrating and getting his life on track is vital to his recovery, but to be honest w/ you, I do not know of any facility that would turn someone out early and tell them how exceptional they are and they just need to get out and integrate. They normally keep them there the full ride so that they can build on the strengths they need. The stronger they are when they leave the better, not a clearinghouse of "do the work and you can go" type situation.

Who told you this? Do yourself a favor and check it out. Find out who told him this and then get w/ that person and see if it is actually true. I just don't see his doc or the facility doin this. NEVER take the word of an addict, or his parents if they are somewhat in denial.

July 15, 2007
4:24 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Four in the morning. I was doing ok but just woke up from a horrific nightmare some fifteen minutes ago. Just made myself herbal tea and read your posts, Cinnamon... thx so much for sharing the "Happy Place" story. I like that.

Tummy still in knots though. The content of the nightmare doesn't matter. What does matter is that I feel like this man has robbed me of my sense of security, brought me to a place of complete and utter fear.

He's told me so many terrible things. I'd conveniently forgotton about that. So many things about people he's been involved in and things he's done while he's been drinking. I didn't want to hear any of it. Told him to keep it for his rehab, because it would traumatize me if he told me and since he's on his way to recovery - that should be part of his past. For some reason he really insisted on sharing it with me. said would help him "cope". Said would unburden him. So selfish of him. I'm finally starting to see what a bad man he is. That's a form of mental abuse, isn't it? I was tortured and abused mentally as a child, so takes me a while to recognize it for what it is.

Denial ain't a river in Egypt they say. I guess I really did need to wake up and dump him pronto, because in the short time I've known him, he's already managed to wreak havoc on me. I'm not even gonna get into how I met him in the first place.

I keep telling myself I get into situations like this the better to "learn" from, as the student of life and potential writer that I am. That may be the case, but I need to stop it with putting myself through hell just to see if I'll come out unscathed at the end, and I need to stop playing that kind of lottery with my own sanity.

I read some of the other threads here and... some of the experiences other posters have been through and... it was so easy for me to briefly think to myslef "oh yes, but that would never happen TO ME, because I'm smarter than that".

So judgmental, I know. Because... REALLY??? SMARTER than that?!? And then if I think back on so many experiences in my life, and the kinds of people I've been with (supposedly "nice" people, at that), then I have to say... apart from the fact that they haven't (yet) been convicted as fellons and abusers and dangerous criminals, I have nothing to feel high and mighty about.

But the point isn't to beat myself up about it. The point is... I have to wake up. I have to stop covering up for these guys and see them for the monsters they are. And I have to make sure I get out of the way of the next beautiful abuser who comes my way and does his little song and dance and tricks my pants (and my heart) away.

July 15, 2007
4:46 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He said would help him "cope". I said I didn't want to hear it yet he insisted.

Yes, this is mental torture. My evil-x used to tell me "he" was the only one I could depend on, "he" would always take care of me, "he" was all I would ever have. Then he'd take me to the downtown city and show me the prostitutes and tell me he should rent me out to a pimp so he could recoop some of the money he had to spend on me. I was 19. I was a child per se, specially coming from the sheltered home I came from.

Did you get the book yet? The sooner the better because then you'll start understanding why you. Also, if you want to look up the thread Charmer/Abuser. Would give you great insight.

When you have the nightmares maybe it would help to write them on paper. I don't know. I have always hears once you tell someone your dream you don't have it again. I personally don't think that true, but sounds good doesn't it. 🙂

Hope you can get back to sleep. Sleep deprevation is a horrible thing and only makes everything seem ten times worse than it is. Hoping you sleep well.

July 15, 2007
5:30 am
Avatar
healintime
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi girlfriend,

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation right now. Wanted to post a little bit about my experience with a friend who's addicted to cocaine. He's 33, has an ivy league education, an MBA and had a great job in banking. Between undergrad and his masters he found cocaine and by the time he graduated from business school it wasn't a small problem. His long-term girlfriend finally left him after three years of broken promises after he was admitted to hospital for his third OD. He immediately had a "whirlwind" romance with a woman he met through a friend and moved in with her within three months. Six months later, he relapsed, three months later, he relapsed. Two months later, he relapsed and she finally sold her apartment and left to go live on the other side of the country.

He lost his job, and went to stay with his parents - went to a meeting a day, told everyone how he would never use again - got a new job and relapsed. They actually sent him to rehab and he came back full of program talk about how he totally "got it" and he was going to put it all "behind him." Two weeks later - relapse, back to rehab and when he went off radar again I mailed a friend who told me he had been thrown out after a week for sleeping with a fellow (married) rehabee. I cut contact with him last December after he emailed excitedly to tell me that he was "secretly engaged" to someone -- it had to be a secret because she was still married - but that recovery was "awsome" and he would never use again.

He has lied, cheated and stolen from people who loved him dearly. He couldn't possibly be more charming, smarter, or more skilled at talking the talk. And when there was still some of "him" left, he was a beautiful person - who is now completely gone. He was a no-show at his closest friend's wedding (he was in the wedding party) and more friends than I can count offered him a roof over his head onlly to find him either bouncing off the walls or using on their countertops. Some of these folks have young kids. The only constant in teh last thtree years has been his inability to stay clean and his enthusiasm for, and commitment to, his sobriety - right after he's had a major relapse.

On my part, I stepped away finally because it was too hard to watch. The startling thing is that thrtoug this whole time he has been single about five percent of the time. I think he's every bit as addicted to relationships as he is to cocaine. It took both his long-term girlfriends several years to get their lives back together - and the short-termers each met a good-looking, romantic, smooth talking banker who they invited into their lives. Several of them stayed with him for far, far longer than they should have because they didn't want to "add" to his load in early sobriety, only to have their finances and their heads in a mess when it finally ended.

There's a "suggestion" in the program that anyone who is in early recovery shouldn't date for the first year of their sobriety. It's a good rule. If he's serious about putting his life back together then it will be a journey that he needs to devote a good deal of attention to. Depending on how long he's been an addict, he may be finding out who he is for the first time - and there will be a lot of cleanup to do. That's the best case scenario. And it's tough to do that while you're in a long-term relationship, let alone a relatively new one. The flip side is that if he's not at bottom yet active addiction is an awful thing to watch - it's progressive and it's awfully painful to watch the person that you know disappear as the disease takes over. It was hard enough to watch for his friends - I can't imagine how tough it has been for the women in his life.

I can't tell you what to do - but I can tell you that cocaine addiction is insidious. I did some research when he first started going off the rails and cocaine is teh most addictive of teh recreational drugs - with cravings lasting for years. Anyone who's trying to kick the habit needs to have a serious foundation of recovery. I kknow all about the guilt of feeling like you "need" to be theer for someone that you love - but you absolutely cannot control his disease. He needs to want to do it for himself - and he needs to be totally committed. Maybe in six months you'll have a better idea of whether he's really serious about recovery - but I hope that you take good care of yourself first and foremost.

Hugs,

H x

July 15, 2007
5:43 am
Avatar
healintime
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

P.S. I am totally familair with the "baring his soul" conversations. At times he would get in touch wither during or right after a binge and give a full rundown of all the eye-popping things he had done/was doing. I listened, as did most of his friends, for a long, long time - squirming all the while, thinking that it would be "cruel" not to give him an ear while he was in pain. But after a while all that was happening was that we got better at seeing the relapse red flags coming, and it was harder, and harder to stay on the rollercoaster. It is, absolutely, a form of mental torture. On purpose? Who knows - but if it's not it's a sure sign that he is more interested in his purge than the fact that what he's telling you is knocking you around.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
31
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111004
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714292
Newest Members:
Knewhervel, waylanmarx, rydesk, Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information