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Help! - Need to find strenght during separation.
March 18, 2005
8:03 pm
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bookworm
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I've been engaged for two years to a wonderful guy, who happens to be depressed and also has a drinking problem. Two months ago, my therapist helped me get to the point where I could confront him about his drinking problem. Now I'm in therapy, he is in therapy, and we are trying to work things out. I've been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, and he has been to a few AA meetings. Two weeks ago I was coming home from a weekend trip (to focus on taking care of myself), and got a call from him that he wouldn't be there when I got back...that he needed some space to think. So for the last two weeks he has been couch surfing. We have had a couple nights together, but he is usually really tired and worn out...he has been working extra hard at work. I know he is asking for this space to get his head in order and figure out how to get out of our co-dependent patterns. In my heart I really believe this is the best thing, and maybe the only way to save our relationship. But damned if it doesn't hurt like hell right now. I feel rejected and weepy and sad. I haven't been this depressed in a long time. I had been so strong before the separation. I want to put on a strong face when I see him, because I know the weepiness just gets him more confused and makes him feel even more like he is failing me. It is just a big mess right now.

Any tips on finding strength during separation?

March 18, 2005
8:50 pm
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SegaMasterSystem
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What steps allowed you to overcome the addictions and divorce?
Dyer: Getting closer to God. Feeling that my challenges were not between me and my addictions or between me and my ex-wife, that they were really between me and God. The question was, can I bring love and peace to the presence of those challenges and not get down on myself or someone else? And I was able to do that. I also had a heart attack a year and a half ago, which I wrote about in my new book. That was another great challenge.

March 19, 2005
3:55 am
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bookworm
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can I bring love and peace to the presence of those challenges and not get down on myself or someone else?

I really like this. Thank you...I'll be meditating on it.

March 19, 2005
8:15 am
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Mordrin
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bookworm:

There may be another side to his needing his space.

Persons in stages of depression, I believe tend to self medicate if they are not taking their medication or the medication is not effective.

Addressing the drinking problem, I think, will not resolve the problem in the relationship. The core problem is the depression that must be addressed. The drinking is an addiction that is a result of the drepression and the basis of the disorder should be addressed first or together.

I hope that I am wrong on this, but his space request may be a just a smoke screen to silently continue his drinking in leiu of attending the AA therapy.

I know that you are going through a very rough time during your seperation, but you must remember that you have also suffered being together.
You need to get better first before you can assist in helping him.

March 19, 2005
12:32 pm
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bookworm
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Thank you Mordrin. This clearly articulates what I have been feeling but haven't been able to put into words. He tried anti-depressants only briefly, and when they hurt his ailing stomach he gave up rather than trying another perscription. Perhaps I should encourage him to discuss this option with his therapist? I'm pretty sure his therapist is treating the drinking as a result of the depression, from what I can pick up from what he tells me. He has supposively gone to two AA meetings, but I know for a fact he has not stopped drinking. I think he still wants to believe he can get it under control, and only have one or two drinks, etc. He is definitely the poster boy for self-medicating!

Any advice for me getting better? I feel like I'm doing everything I can (which perhaps is too much in its own way?) and my therapist says I'm doing all the right things. I just feel so helpless right now.

March 19, 2005
12:46 pm
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angel4U
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bookworm,

chickyfighter posted this on another thread (Once we wake up there is no turning back to denial) and I thought you might find some strength it as well:

The Awakening:

http://www.dobhran.com/greetin.....ire250.htm

Sounds like you are both working on yourselves right now and being respectful of eachother in the process. That's a wonderful place to be. Try to be patient and keep reaching out for support ... I believe the answers will come to you in time.

Angel4U

March 19, 2005
1:06 pm
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angel4U
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Added note ...

If he has been drinking for a long time to self-medicate, it will most likely be very difficult for him to stop ... and may take a "long" time for him to do so. HE is the only one though that can make that choice to do so, and he will only do it when he is ready to (speaking from a great deal of experience on this one). Unfortunately some never do. The more badgering you give him, the more likely he is to avoid you as he will feel as if you are judging and controlling him. IMO - All you can do is let him know you love him, and then decide what is ok for you and what is not .. and take care of you right now.

I know you are hurting and just want it all to be ok between you and him, but if the only obstacle is for him to stop drinking, he has to make that choice. You truly CAN'T make him stop or "see the light". He has to do that on his own, in his own time (and that is his right, whether we want to believe it or not).

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