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help !need information on sexual child abuse
September 25, 2003
3:58 pm
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grandmother
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my 3 ( almost 4) year old gradaughter was sexually abused by her father.she had many of the sighns ( that i know now what to look for ) but being in a family with no abuse i was stupid or nieve to the sighns. anyway she eventually told us what daddy was doing ( when we saw her acting out ) we asked what she was doing. she was only 2 1/2 yr old at t he tme . we are lucky she was talking plainly early and could cummincate very well for her age. our problem is that we never took her straight to the dr after her visits when she cried cause she burned . we thought she had bladder infection and eventually we had some visits for that. so by not takeing her immediatly there is no physical evidence even though DCFS has ruled they thingk he did it also our states attorney i s takeing him to court to take away his rights as a father. but the judge has the say.the day care noticed big changes in her, her dr noticed she didnt seem to want to see him like she did.she threw fits of rage,nightmares where we rushed her to the emergency room after an hour of screaming and kicking etc., lost weight, cried a lot, hurt when she urinated etc. the judge is seeing her on the 15 th of oct. to see if she can communicate to him well enough to determine her competent. please i am begging any informatin you can give us to help our case . she has the rest of her life to live.
her grandmother, Deb

September 25, 2003
6:30 pm
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Ladeska
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NO, NO, NO!!!!!! Do NOT just put that child in with this judge. She needs to see a child therapist that "specializes" in sex abuse with children. She is the one that will get any information out of the child and not a big scary judge that is a man! (sigh) this just hurts my heart, sorry...having a moment over here...

I'm an incest survivor myself and little ones being hurt like this just gets to me. So okay, for one, you document everything!!! Keep it all straight and not just one copy, in one place. Have copies in a few different places.

Get with one good therapist like "yesterday" and don't ask to much of this child right now.... she needs to be with one person who can work with her and not have twenty people coming at her from all sides. Memory is fragile and suceptible to change with outside influence. You want someone with expertise involved that can hopefully be viewed, by the judge as an expert in her field. I'd spare no expense to get this one thing done.

Without the physical evidence, a therapist that is respected is worth the farm here.

His attorney will do the obvious, try and discredit, even a child. They are ruthless. You guys put it in her mind, she imagined it, blah, blah, blah. That's why alot of people need to get out of the pot, so to speak with talking to her and asking her this and that. She needs to have a one-on-one thing going on with very few people and preferably - more going of that going on with the therapist. Other than that - she needs to have a normal little life, as much as is possible...

I can work with you here, if you like, regarding some things... Also what of her mother? How old is she? any connections with this man that did this? Does she have other children by him or otherwise? Does the child live with you?

Does she have her own bedroom? If not, she needs her own "safe place" and that is something I will work with you on, of how to build that "with" her. Also, she needs to be able to let her anger out, all of it. I'll work with you about that also. So much damage is going on right now inside that little one, it just breaks my heart. But we still have time here.... so if you're willing to work with me, I'm willing to work with you. She's young, alot of damage can be prevented....

If you don't mind me asking and that's fine if you do, what state do you live in? I'll do some checking for you...

September 25, 2003
6:42 pm
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Ladeska
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Here's a good link for you:

Sexual Abuse Help

September 25, 2003
7:01 pm
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Ladeska
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Also know that children process things differently when they are very young like she was. It's not going to be so much a "verbal" thing, as it's a body memory, pictures in her head, sensations, smells. At her age and quite possibly before that age - the abuse isn't going to be translated or committed to memory verbally. So it's going to be hard to get that out of her in a verbal way.... She will mimick, however, what alot of people come at her with and then she's going to also get very confused with the verbal.....their words........vs. what is really in her own memory, which isn't necessarily in words. Probably confusing you here....sorry.

But that's why they use art to help these children "say" or communicate in some way - what happened. By art, or role playing with dolls.....it's giving them another language that is more closely like what is in their heads. The body memory is also very powerful and is just right there to be triggered at anytime. It's very crucial that she not alienate herself from her own body at this time and there is a good chance she's already doing that. Making her body...the bad thing......instead of the person that did it to her...

She needs consistency in her life really bad. Very important. She needs to know where her boundaries are at all times and that they don't move, so she feels safe. Set times for everything, things in order but not in a compulsive way, just order, things done in such a way that she isn't stressing out wondering what is "going to change TODAY?" She doesn't need THAT in her life at all.

Tell me some more about her, what's she like? What does she like to do? Is she a strong-willed child or a quiet child? Does she still have urinary or kidney problems? Has she been given a full medical exam included bloodwork that has checked for STD's? Very important if it hasn't been done.

I realize she will have to see the judge so that he can determine if she's believable or not or whatever but first she needs to be seen by a therapist who hopefully can work with her also. I'd just really guard her as far as alot of people trying to talk with her about this. It will just confuse her. I just hope this judge knows "how" to talk to a little child like this and really make her feel comfortable. This will be very hard for her. Maybe he will just "talk" to her in general and just a feel for how well she communicates.

You should know right off the bat that things could be very difficult here..... You may get her away from him and you may not. The courts are funny and lawyers are devils when it comes to this. Since you don't have witnesses and no physical proof that is strong, your best bet is to find a really good therapist that is well respected and get her in therapy. That way, she will be called on as a witness and that will be a very good thing. They will still attack her but much more information is out there these days, so it's not as easy as it used to be to discredit people.

Also look up The Sharon Karney story on the web and see what you find. She had a story alot like this herself. She's a lawyer now in California, helping abuse victims. She may actually be working more on the law end of it, trying to get the laws changed but her story is a very important one. I think you can still order her movie. It comes on T.V. from time to time and is excellent. She didn't know she had been abused until she was working on a case with a little girl like your granddaughter and her own abuse came up during the trial. Pretty wild story. But it just portrayed what goes on within the family in a way that I had never seen done in a film before.

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