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Help! MzKitty is in need of some advice!
May 9, 2007
8:58 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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how did I know it was right...wow, good question.

I really can't say.

My only thought is that after going thru hell and high water with my ex...this felt DIFFERENT.

I didn't feel like he was a player...I felt like he was sincere...I felt like he meant what he said.

When my ex and I agreed to try again, there were a host of negotiation that went on...he agreed to allow me to see his emails...but then when the day came that I asked, he pitched a fit and totally went nuts over my request. He would sit at the computer with it turned towards him and minimize what he was working on when I came around. He kept passwords on anything.

So, the secrecy remained. And that made me feel like he wasn't willing to accept the consequences of his cheating, nor was he willing to earn it back.

26 accepted the consequences...he was willing to earn it back. And he has.

My gut said this felt right...I really can't explain more than that.

When I went back with my ex...the drama and chaos and insecure feelings continued.

With 26...the drama stopped and things are calm and peaceful and in the image of what I wanted in a relationship. It feels like a dream come true, without being a "fantasy" if that makes any sense. It feels REAL...if that makes any more sense.

Last night, 26 told me that his buddy was pushing to get him to go back to truck driving still. I said that if he had to go back, for financial reasons, I would understand.

He turned and said that he would not go back to truck driving if it meant losing me...and that if it meant hurting his credit by losing his 4-wheeler, then it would be worth it...because he doesn't want to lose me for any reason.

And what he says is believable. I don't feel like it's "butter me up" talk.

Like I said, we are now planning on moving in together...to HIS house...and working on renovating and rebuilding next summer.

And tho most would call it foolish...we are also talking about growing our family too...and despite his previous fears...he shows no signs of cold feet. I truly think he's ready to move on to the next level with our relationship.

May 9, 2007
10:58 am
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MzKitty
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Rising,

I completely understand what you are saying! If there is sincerity with his actions or as you worded it in the consequences, and he is doing everything in his power to help you feel secure and comfortable, I agree that he is sincere too. He’s not playing around and hiding things, and willing to (for the lack of a better word) prove to you that he is being faithful. Trust me I’ve been in the same situation, hiding things on his computer, his phone, etc., etc., and when I would ask he would turn it back onto me. Which our counselor told me that that was called reverse guilt! So from what you say I think this guy sounds like he is worth investing your time and effort into. Of course as a friend, and only out of concern because of who we are, I only hope and pray that he stay’s that way for you. I would say that about any guy, so it’s nothing against him.

Ok, so my evening was weird last night, and I wanted your input on this, because it covers a topic that you’ve guided me on previously. Ok so “S” got off of work at 10 p.m. last night, he called me to chat and said that he was going to go to a little bar that he like to go to and have a burger and beer before he went home. So being that it was 10:15 by the time I got off of the phone with him, I went to bed not thinking that I would hear from him again last night….Well, at 11:10 I get a call from him, he asked if I was asleep, I told him that I was, he apologized profusely for calling, I could tell that he was still at this little bar. I told him it was ok that he had called, and asked him what was up. He said that he just wanted to call and tell me thank you for being so incredible. Ok so here is where I took your advice, I asked him if he wanted to elaborate on that. He said no not right now because it was too late and it would take too long. I said Oh sure you call me at 11:00 just to tell me that then leave me hanging (in a cute smartass tone mind you). He said yep, then said what I can’t think about you when I’m not with you? (in his cute little tone) We chatted for a few more minutes, then he apologized for calling so late, but that he just wanted to call and tell me that. We said our good bye’s and that was it! Ok, So now to my question, how do I get this guy to open up more? I’m not willing to push him, but it does drive me crazy when he call’s and makes comments like that and then leaves me hanging. I guess today, I am feeling like I shouldn’t push it and just enjoy that he is being this attentive! Right? But I do still want to know what it is that I do for him that makes him feel so good about me. Oh, and mind you, this guy is a Drug and Alcohol Counselor, and does not drink heavily at all. He may have 1 or 2 and that’s it, plus he is 6’2 and weight 260 lbs. So for him to have a couple of drinks is nothing. So I know it wasn’t the alcohol talking either! What do you think?

May 9, 2007
11:05 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I think you need to learn to take the compliments and not try to analyze them.

And timing IS everything...so when you guys are together, snuggling, gazing into eachother's eyes...it will be the time for him to pour out his heart...not while he is at a bar, surrounded by who knows what kind of people....at 11 p.m. at night.

He obviously was thinking about you and wanted to connect with you...it CAN be as SIMPLE as that.

As time goes on, if it's right...he'll start opening up more....he IS opening up in that he IS reaching out and telling you that he thinks you are special.

Talk is cheap...so the rest of his actions need to measure up to the phone calls as well.

But yeah, I have to agree with him on that one...it was late, he was at the bar and you had been sleeping when he woke you....so the time was not to elaborate.

Just KNOW that you are wonderful to him...sometimes it's not important to know why.

What probably makes you crazy is that on some subconcious level, you don't feel you deserve those comments, praise, adoration...so you need to hear him explain why, so you can accept it.

learn to take it and enjoy it...stop trying to analyze it.

and work on growing your own self esteem, so that you can accept it without question...cuz you ARE wonderful.

May 9, 2007
11:13 am
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MzKitty
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Rising,

Ok, so again you've hit the nail on the head! I remember asking my ex-husband (when we were together still) why he loved me? He never could answer that question. Not one thing about me! So your right, when someone gives me a compliment that they like me I want to know why, because I haven't heard anyone explaine why! Plus after having been married and divorced 3 times, at least 2 of them were having affairs, so I guess I've always felt like I was disposable and not good enough, and thats why they left me. (I know that's not true now). But still like you said I need to keep working on growing my self esteem, and just enjoy how things are now!

See your so good!

May 9, 2007
11:23 am
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MzKitty
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Rising,

Ok, so "S" just called me at work to see if he could take me and my kid's out to dinner for mother's day! How sweet is that????????

May 9, 2007
11:23 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well, here's the thing.

you had three men tell you they love you, but then couldn't say why...and all ended in divorce.

so of course you would be suspicious of a guy who says he loves you but can't back it up.

as I said, talk is cheap.

the only thing that you can do is work on your esteem, give him time to SHOW you that he loves you and adores you, and give him time to get comfortable enough to share those thoughts with you.

It's a risk/gamble...but that's where being aware of reality and not working up a false fantasy comes in.

But on the same token...don't project your past failures on this one so that you push it into failure because you don't trust it....if that makes sense.

I have a small book called "courage to trust"...it is a GOOD book and talks about learning to trust YOURSELF before learning to trust anyone else.

The premise is that we don't learn to care about our own thoughts and feelings, to trust our gut...so we end up falling for the cons that others pull on us...we WANT to trust...but if we don't trust ourselves first...we will fall for any game anyone else throws our way...but we won't trust them in the meantime.

It's kind of like self esteem...if we don't think much of ourselves, nobody else will either...and we will only attract those willing to treat us as badly as we expect to be treated.

If we don't trust, then we will expect others to be untruthful to us, and we will find those...they aren't hard to find. The scary part is, we WANT to trust...so we trust blindly...instead of trusting in an intelligent way.

Like esteem...we WANT a good relationship...so we give ourselves away to anyone...hoping we get lucky and find the right oen. Instead of learning to love the right one in a healthy way...and pick the right one.

hope I am making sense.

just know that the con artists PREY on insecure people...so the more insecure you make yourself look, the more you will attract guys who will abuse that power over you.

Be secure...work on your esteem...and give things time to unfold in a healthy way.

May 9, 2007
11:24 am
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risingfromtheashes
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say yes, enjoy it...you deserve it!

I went to mother/daughter dinner at church with 26...the guys served dinner to us...it was nice.

Just not sure what's planned for this weekend.

May 9, 2007
12:42 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

I have to tell you what I find funny...With the advice that you and others have given me about not reading too much into things, and to try not to over analyze things I've noticed that things with "S" and I have improved. Now mind you, yes it's only been a few day's, but I guess I am seeing a pattern that if I don't make thins heavy for him, he responds in a more positive way! Which maybe a pattern in my past relationships that I've maintained and thats why they didn't work out....

May 9, 2007
1:43 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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keep it light is what DATING is all about...as nappy said.

when it's time to move on to the next level is when it's time to evaluate things on a more serious level.

dating should be fun!

Here's another thought that came into my head randomly as I typed this.

One - keep it light and fun and he responds...BUT (and this is coda me speaking)...if you keep it light...then how will you ever know when to be serious? and will you fear being serious for fear of scaring him away?

Two - if it's your nature to be serious...should you CHANGE who you are for the sake of keeping him? Or should you find a guy who deals well with your serious nature?

I guess that is what comes to mind.

June 1, 2007
3:26 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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bumping this up - wondering how you are doing....hope all is well.

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