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Help! MzKitty is in need of some advice!
May 7, 2007
11:41 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Number one .This is your problem not mine. Number Two I think You stir up shit. Number three .. How to you get awY WITH iT? tEXAS bIG dADDY?

May 7, 2007
11:54 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I cannot shout nothing anyway. I fell like you yes you Beevee need to work it out, But you haveno idea what I am taking to MzKitty about amd I might not too , ButLEAVE ME ALONE....i WISH YPU THE BEST OF COUTDE. HORSEFLY

May 7, 2007
11:59 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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bEVEE i AM TRULY SORRRY/ HOSREFLY

May 8, 2007
12:02 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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nO

May 8, 2007
12:10 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I am truly sorry Beevee, You do have the right to guess my difenses..horsfly

May 8, 2007
12:24 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I am sorry posted But Mz Kitty I guess I took "Hon" the wrong way.I did not mean anthing , I guess I am just mot right with myself, I am sorry . I will lay low and hope the best comes to you...you deserve it,,,,hopefly

May 8, 2007
12:30 am
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AQueen
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Let's try to stay on topic. Read the little disclaimer at the top of the main page, it specifically asks members to not chit chat or deviate from the said topic which happens to be codependency. We have all been through a lot and the nasty tone really isn't necessary. Read the threads, if you feel you have something meaningful to contribute then post. If not then don't. If you have an issue then post a new thread. We all come here for support and understanding, let's try to stay focused on helping eachother instead of attacking and hindering one another's growth.

AQueen

May 8, 2007
12:34 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Actually I am sorry i posted at all housefly

May 8, 2007
11:24 am
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MzKitty
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Horsefly,

I'm not sure what happend here and why you seem to be so angrey. I'm sorry for calling you a pet name, but as Bevdee said it's just the way I talk (it was only meant as a form of affection). Your posts are very full of anger, I guess the way I read the posts it appears that you are very angrey at Bevdee, and I perceived what Bevdee had to say only as trying to help you understand that when I called you that pet name I didn't mean anything offensive, it's just a pet name. But now that I know that it is something that is a trigger for you I know not to call you a pet name again. But don't be angrey at Bevdee for only trying to help clarify.

May 8, 2007
11:36 am
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ggfred4
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horsefly,

I stayed up last night and read each post you wrote, trying to understand your anger. I guess I think oppositely, because I love when a pet name is given to me. I have never been called anything so sweetly, so I love it. It is okay if you don't, we all have our reasons. I just don't understand your attacking anger towards bev. Were you taking out an issue of your own with her? or do you have something against her? I read the whole thread and cannot understand anything that could not be taken as care and support.

MzKitty, I see you have gotten some excellent advice...do what is best for you and take care of YOU!!!

May 8, 2007
11:36 am
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risingfromtheashes
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mzkitty...it's ironic that this pet name thing came up.

I recently noticed my boyfriend calling women "sweetie" alot...at first, an alarm went off, but I figured I would bite my lip for the moment and get a better feel for what was going on (meaning did he have something with these chicks or did he use it as a generic term).

I am starting to see him use it as a generic term...and it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

I realize it is my own insecurities that are at play here.

I see many older men calling younger ones sweetie...and it doesn't seem to be an issue...but because my boyfriend is young (26) and he is saying sweetie to young chicks....it set me off at first.

I remember a time where I was living in the south...and having such an issue with young kids calling me ma'am. I was only in my early 20's.

Growing up, if we said "yes ma'am" to my mom, we'd get slapped upside the head...cuz my mom thought of it as a rude comment, like we were being sarcastic.

So, that stayed with me thru life and when I lived in the south...boy, it really set me off.

THEN I moved home and was using the term all the time to everyone...and when I said it to mom, again, she'd get angry at me...tho I was not being sarcastic.

Eventually I stopped saying it.

My boyfriend and I have a thing where we say "yes dear" when we are being sarcastic....so, when it's time to be serious, "yes dear" isn't taken the right way. He used to say it to end a disagreement...but now that I am doing the same, he doesn't like it and has stopped doing it to me...now I just do it to bust his chops.

anyway, I don't know what transpired here...but it looks like horsefly didn't like the term "hon", but somehow when asked about it, things got out of control.

I hope everyone has calmed down and that there are no hard feelings, cuz I don't think any were meant.

May 8, 2007
12:12 pm
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Isis
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MzKitty-

Forgive me for interjecting my 2 cents here on your thread, however, I am bothered by this situation as it seems to keep re-occurring. I really don't know if your thread is the place for my comments, but some others have voiced their concerns here, so I'll do the same. I will also address the issue with the Site Coordinator, as I am truly bothered by this, and wish for it to end.

I remember back a couple of months or so ago, (and I did go back last night to check the old threads) and they do show evidence of the same type of hostility on horsefly's part towards Bevdee. Horsefly implied that Bev was butting in where she didn't belong.

It seems as though every time Bev responds to a thread that horsefly is a part of, the hostility starts all over again.

Please stop this behavior, it makes me feel angry and scared- and unsafe. There are more tactful and constructive ways to communicate our feelings- whether they be good or bad.

Like the rest of the posters here, I come for support and advice. I have issues, and this placed has been more helpful to me than therapy.

Horsefly, I know what triggers are, I have them. I know how they make me feel- sad, angry and scared. Sometimes I get defensive when someone sees things differently, or in some way minimizes my plight. When that happens I retreat, try to regroup, and then come back- with the focus on myself. If there is an issue with Bev or anyone for that matter, why not try to either discuss it, or set some clear and concise boundaries as to what you are comfortable with.

All the best to you horsefly, and with the utmost sincerity,

Isis

P.S. MzKitty- I wish you the best, and again, I apologize for using your thread to communicate my thoughts and concerns.

May 8, 2007
12:28 pm
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MzKitty
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Isis,
Don't appologize for posting in here! Thank you so much for your input. I admit I was very upset when I saw what had happend between Horsefly and Bevdee when I checked in this morning! I appreciate your message too, I just hope everyone can just calm down and understand that we don't know each other personally and we just type what we think or feel, which in turn my offend and upset someone like what happend with horsefly. So nor appology necessary for posting in here....

Rising,
Yet again what you posted hit straight home for me. Although I haven't heard "S" call any other girls a pet name I have wondered if I am the only one that he calls "honey".

I have to admit that "S" is doing everything "right" right now. He asked me out for Friday night already, and left me a very sweet message this a.m. So why do I find myself being so cautious? Is that a bad thing do you think (I mean for me to be so cautious?)

May 8, 2007
1:15 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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no, no, no, no, NO.....

caution is PERFECT.

jumping feet first into unknown waters is BAD!!!!!!

I think you should be cautious...keep the rose colored glasses in their case...and enjoy the ride for all it's worth.

If he is doing all the right things right...bravo for him...but don't give anything away just YET...let him keep doing the right things right...for a while.

If you are anything like me...you give your heart away too soon. When a guy comes along and does a few things right, we jump feet (or head) first into it...not really seeing what else is lurking beneath the waters.

So, keep enjoying it...but approach with caution and care.

Cuz alot of times...once we give our hearts away...they stop trying to do all the right things right...so, let them show us what they got first...then give up our heart.

As for calling someone else honey....I heard 26 calling girls sweetie or honey....but, he calls me babe or baby...and I am the only one he does that too. He used to call me sweetheart...but I got him to stop that...cuz he was using it only when we got into a discussion and he was trying to smooth things over...now he only uses it occasionally with me...mostly I am his baby. And the only one.

Wanna know something else that makes me feel right about all of this???

The look in his eye and the smile across his face when he says it.

He BEAMS...lights right up after not seeing me all day...or if I am away for any length of time...that tells me I am his only one...when he says it to others...it's flat...just something he calls others.

anyway, gotta get back to work.

enjoy the ride...that's all I can say!

May 8, 2007
1:20 pm
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bevdee
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MzKitty

I'm really sorry for what happened here last night. I'm not going to expound on this or anything, but I'm sorry your thread got cluttered.

Talk to y'all later

May 8, 2007
1:31 pm
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Rising,
Thanks for the advice! I love your phrase "leave the rose colored glasses in their case"! Done! Funny thing, last night we were talking on the phone, and he made a comment to me (he assumed that I wanted to talk about where we were going ~ the thought never even crossed my mind at that point in time) so I said woe there! You're assuming something about me, and I don't like it when you do that, and asked him to please not assume that he knows what I'm thinking! Then told him that it wasn't the right time to be talking about that! And ya know what funny, it is honestly how I felt! If he's not ready to talk about where things are going with us, then great, I'm not going to push him! I can go with the flow for a while, and like everyone has said, hang back and have a good time with it! So that's what I'm doing, and it feels good for a change!

Bevdee, please don't appologize! I don't feel that you have anything to appologize for. As I see it there may have been a misunderstanding that got out of control. I just hope that horsefly can understand that you weren't attacking her personally or butting in. And I also believe that it could have been handled more tactfully and not with so much anger. I care about horsefly too, and hope that she can understand that it wasn't a personal attack....

May 8, 2007
1:42 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mzkitty...just be careful with stuff like that tho.

cuz he may be using "you" when he means "me".

meaning, instead of him saying he wants to move to the next phase, he says he thinks you want to move to the next phase.

that way if you say no, it isn't a rejection of HIS thoughts...at least not one that anyone else can see.

This may or may not be the problem...but if he is throwing it out there, obviously it's on his mind.

So, next time he says that...say back "why is it that makes you think that I feel this way"...and let him explain why he is bringing it up.

Like the time you mentioned that you turned down a date and he said "good, I'm off the market too"...he read into your statement and then was making a passive statement about his own feelings, without directly saying it....then got upset when you didn't really understand his meaning.

Don't tell him NOT to bring things up...cuz if he is talking about it, obviously he wants to...but you were right to tell him not to assume what you want...but turn it around and ask him what makes him think what he does.

This helps you both learn to communicate...and doesn't really tell him to stop talking or thinking.

If you aren't ready to become serious with him, you were good when you said that you weren't ready to talk about that.

I remember 26 doing something...teasing me sexually or something...and I said "you are teasing me, stop"...and he said "oh, but you like it...you are smiling"...well, we did this a few times...and then I said to him "you assume I like it...but let me explain something...." and told him about my brush with date rape and how the guy kept telling me that he knew I liked it and wanted it....from that point forward, 26 realized that a smirk on my face isn't always about pleasure and that if you are touching someone and they ask you to stop, it means stop, no matter what you THINK they are saying.

not sure that it really applies here, except that as a new couple...we are trying to learn our partners likes and dislikes...and what their cues and signals are...what they mean when they say things and how they say it...etc...and perhaps he is just totally reading you wrong...or...perhaps he is just interjecting HIS WISHES onto you, so that you can discuss it without it looking like HIS idea.

rambling...not even sure I am making sense.

May 8, 2007
2:26 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,
Oh hell no your not rambling! Everything you said about his possibly projecting his thoughts are exactly what I've thought he was doing! That's why I think I'm being more cautious at this time. He can be rather elusive at times. Like he'll say something and if I question him about it then he'll become elusive, so that's why I'm just hangin back to see what he does. Oh, and when I told him that it wasn't time to talk about us, it was 10:45 p.m. so it's not that I didn't want to talk about it, it was more that it's too late to be getting into that kind of conversation.....I believe he knew what I meant. At least I hope so.....

May 8, 2007
2:30 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I had a gut feeling that it was more about "timing" than you didnt' want to talk about it at all.

If he brings something up, then backs down when you want to dig a little deeper, then I would think he is also using that projection to put his thoughts out there as well.

who knows, maybe as time moves on, and he gets more comfortable and trusting, he will open up more.

as I said in another thread (or maybe it was here?)...my BF was a very POOR conversationalist when we first met.

but, now that we have some time under our belt and experience, trust and comfort...we talk more openly and he isn't afraid to share...and he opens up with out prodding.

You won't know which one you have until you spend some time together.

In the beginning, myself and everyone around me were very pessimistic about 26's ability to be a good partner.

this was definitely a good gamble and I am glad I took it...cuz he's everything I wanted and more.

May 8, 2007
3:22 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

How long have you and 26 been together? And how long did it take for him to become more comfortable to talk to you?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to push "S", I'm just going to let him lead, and when he is ready he'll talk to me. I do have to admit what frustrates me though is that when he says something, and if I ask he won't elaborate, then I'm left wondering what he meant, and as I've told him I'm not a mind reader!

So I'm assuming that 26, is only 26. If you don't mind me asking how old are you? Is there an age diffrence is what I'm asking I guess.

May 8, 2007
3:34 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I am 35, he is 26.

we met in August.

It has been a rocky road to this point...but it has smoothed out.

When we were first together, he would make a statement, then struggle to explain it...sometimes he made sense, other times, he didn't. Sometimes he'd say something but mean another.

When did things get better?

Only maybe within the last couple of months.

I don't know if you were here...but a little bit ago, he cheated on me. He was seeing someone on the side. And having commitment issues (again).

Anyway, I walked away totally...and after a few days of silence, he sent me roses at work.

I accepted his apology...and we decided to try again.

My gut told me this was an isolated incident and his apology and explanation told me that he was sincere.

Things have been wonderful since...and it doesn't feel like "honeymoon period" wonderful, it feels real.

Now, prior to him cheating...he had started opening up to me.

It was gut wrenching for him...and I think that's what scared him.

But once he realized that he could be himself around me and that I wasn't going to run away...he started opening up more and more...like a dam breaking...it just flowed and has not stopped since.

Timeline...we met in August...I moved here in October. In January we ended things for about three weeks because he was a truck driver and it was straining our relationship. Plus, he was having commitment issues, as well as stressing out about everything.

In mid February, I bumped into him at the market and invited him for pizza....he came back and we fell into our old routine of him there when he was home...he quit trucking and got a job with me here at my job.

things seemed to be going well, but in mid March he was getting all weird again...I thought he was getting cold feet, so I gave him space. He had opened up about some deep emotional problems he had...and I thought maybe he was just scared.

After I found out he was seeing someone (she called me at my house)...I told him I wouldn't tolerate this and told him to leave.

Because we worked together, he was forced to see me but not speak to me.

five days later, he sent me the roses...not to get me back, but simply to apologize.

We talked and he said that the five days without me and my daughter put a hole in his heart and he was in so much pain without us and never wants to be without us again.

That was two months ago.

And despite the history here, I have NO worries that things are going to backslide....in fact, we are planning on moving into his house July 1st.

Does that help?

May 8, 2007
4:00 pm
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MzKitty
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Wow you two have already been through so much. I admire that you could forgive him, but I'll admit my concern for you too, only out of friendship.

You said in your post that it was gut wrenching for him to talk to you. I guess in a way I feel the same way about “S”, it appears to be so hard for him, and for me it is so easy. I try not to take things personal ~depending on how it’s delivered too~, if it’s put out as an attack of course I take it as an attack, but if it’s put across as hey this is how I’m feeling, or how I see something, then I can work with that. I only hope that “S” will someday see that he can trust me and open up, but if not, then that’s when I’ll have to make my choice to cut loose!

How does your daughter get along w/ 26? How does she feel about you all moving in together?

May 8, 2007
4:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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daughter loves him...is not keen on the living situation, only because it will be three miles away from her best friend, instead of right next door.

I assured her that she could still go after school to her friend's home and I would pick her up when I got home...which is always the time she wanders home anyway.

She felt better about that.

And we will be moving closer to her other friend.

Also, she will be able to go horseback riding with 26's niece, so that was a bonus she liked.

Yes, we have been thru alot.

And most warned me about giving him another shot.

And given my history, I don't blame anyone for thinking that way.

My last ex cheated on me, TWICE...before I called it quits.

And the only thing I can say is that this time FEELS DRASTICALLY different.

There was no negotiating, there was no manipulation, there was no broken promises, there was no game playing.

He apologized. He was sincere.

In the past, when we got back together, he said "one day at a time" and that he wasn't sure what he wanted, but just wanted to take it day by day.

Now, he says he is sure what he wants and that he wants to keep me around for a long time.

I can't really put it into words...but things are just different.

When my ex cheated...there were so many other things wrong with the relationship. To get back together, we went to counseling. I asked for complete open book policy...but yet he continued to have passwords on his computer, phone and kept his truck locked and his mail at another address. this did not sit well and made it hard to trust him again.

With 26...he is total open book. Last time I went to CT, he gave me his cell and I asked if he wanted me to answer it if he got calls, and he said why not...in the past, with the ex, he wouldn't have given me his phone, let alone let me answer his calls. And now he is asking me to move in with him and his mom.

The biggest thing that I am going on is my gut...we talk alot about trusting your intuition.

With my ex...I was always feeling wrong about my decision...always jumbled...always needing to analyze him and figure him out...always on edge and trust was hard to come by.

With 26...despite our rocky past, this time feels right...I don't sense there is any other reasons not to trust him...I am at ease...I find myself NOT stressing or worrying he would do it again...I don't find myself worrying about anything. It flows easy and it doesn't feel like we are negotiating back and forth.

May 8, 2007
4:26 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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as far as the gut wrenching.

I didn't have to "think" it was...it was clearly obvious.

You see, when he was stressing out, he was telling me things about his past, his dad and such.

His fears, his failures and the stress he had.

And he would CRY HIS EYES OUT...one night he cried so hard he was heaving and snots RUNNING out his nose.

The stuff he told me was stuff he had never told anyone...it was like a dam broke.

Then he ended up seeing someone else.

He essentially got scared and realized how much he opened up and freaked out.

Days apart and no contact from me made him realize what he had and how badly he wanted it.

And since...things have totally turned around.

May 8, 2007
5:12 pm
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Rising,

Like you have told me you have to go with what your gut is telling you. I guess thats my problem with "S" my gut is telling me to be cautious. The only problem I am having with that is figuringout if it truly is my gut or my past hurt that is telling me to be careful. That is what I can't figure out. See in my past I've been really good at pushing men away when things start getting serious for the fear of getting hurt. Now I find that I'm feeling that way again, but can't figure out if it's my gut saying something to me, or the old hurt's from my past.

How did you know it was right with 26?

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