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Help! MzKitty is in need of some advice!
May 7, 2007
1:07 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

Ok, it's been one hell of a weekend!

So I ran in to "S" Saturday night, oh and everything has now changed! He's calling again, etc., etc. I busted his chops Saturday night, he was all over me (not sexually either). When I told him that I had taken his comment about "being too busy for me", as a kind way of blowing me off, he informed me that, that was not his intent. When I asked him why? He informed me that "I am too perfect form him"! I asked him what the "F" that was supposed to mean. He told me that I was exactly what he was looking for in a woman, and it scared him to think of falling for someone so fast. I told him that I thought that was lame because if you feel that strongly about someone you should just go with it!

Now mind you I'm being EXTRA CAUTIOUS about this situation right now and not completely falling for it! But I wanted to know what you thought about this....Please advise.

Thanks

May 7, 2007
1:56 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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please advise huh?

you are right to be cautious.

as I said before...he probably saw how wonderful you were, dropped everything for you and now he's kicking himself cuz things got neglected and he has to attend to them.

Anyway...be careful of a guy who says you are too good for them.

Cuz if he feels that way, he will have you on a pedestal...and one day, you will do something "normal", but that makes him think somehow "less" of you...and off the pedestal you will come. And often that whole devalued and discarded follows...I think there was a post about this somewhere.

The thing is...if they think they are "beneath" you or don't deserve you...they will be insecure with you. They will likely be afraid to be honest with you - in fear you will judge and not like what you see. They will likely be insecure and worry you will dump them or go out with someone else...so they will be clingy and needy...OR ALOOF and hard to commit to.

They likely won't think they have a shot in hell of long term, so they will likely have commitment issues.

If he thinks you are above him, there will likely be some control issues, or some self esteem issues that come into play.

I think the BIGGEST thing I have seen in my experience...is that they fear being "themselves" around you...because they feel inferior.

So, I never really got to know the REAL person I was dating.

And when I found it out...it was scary.

My last two exes put on the "good face" when I was around...on best behaviour....but as time wore on, they couldn't "behave" long term...so, in order for them to do what comes naturally to them, they pulled away, doing it on the sly...behind my back....and of course, hoping I didn't find out.

For my ex-ex, it was his drinking....he didn't want me to know how badly he had a problem. So, when he would binge, he would disappear for some time. Or if I needed him, and he was off drinking, he would avoid my calls, instead of answering and telling me the truth.

With my ex...he was a party guy, andd he tried to be a "good boy"...but couldn't maintain that image...so, he led a double life...so that I couldn't see it...but I felt the strain, cuz he was not around and I suspected he was up to no good. And he was.

He WANTED to be the "good guy" that he presented, but inside he couldn't pull it off, cuz it wasn't who he was.

NOW..........I have a guy who thought I am pretty special...and thought he didn't deserve me....but in the nine months together, he has gotten his act together and things are going pretty wonderful...and he has gotten over feeling inferior.

What kind of guy do you have???? only time will tell.

Keep your eyes and ears open!

and remember too...if a guy thinks you are too good for him...he may not TRY to make it all work...thinking he will lose you no matter what...and set you up to fail, just cuz he believes it will anyway.

May 7, 2007
2:15 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

Wow, I associated with so much of what you said, it is almost scarey!

I guess this is why I'm being cautious, and to some extent playing aloof w/ him myself. I don't want to allow my heart strings to get attached because I don't exactly know where this is going!

I guess when he said that I was perfect, I didn't take it as I'm too perfect for him. Now I may have been being nieve, so I am watching that, but when he said it I didn't take it as I'm too good for him, more that I am exactly what he has looked for in a woman (which he has said multiple times ~ mind you we have so many things in common, ie family values, going to church, common interestes, etc., etc. So I guess that's why I took it the way I did). But on my side, I'm being cautious because we haven't talked about where this is going for sure, so I'm just keeping myself busy with my life, and not getting my hopes up on him too much! He's going to have to make some effort to get me to completely let my guard down at this time.

On that note another guy that I had dated in the past stopped by my house yesterday, and we talked for over an hour! I was doing yard work (which every muscle in my body is screaming at me for it today) and he just drove by, when he saw me he pulled over and we just talked. The weird thing, you don't just drive by my house, I live on an out of the way quiet little street, so I know he was driving by on purpose!

Anyway, Thank you so much for your support! I can't even thank you enough for giving me a diffrent perspective on how I need to be looking at this situation with "S". I guess being co-dependent makes us more trusting then we should be. But I am following my gut right now which is telling me to see what he is going to do, but with great caution for my own heart!

May 7, 2007
2:28 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I misunderstood I guess.

"perfect" is such a nasty word in my vocabulary...NOBODY is perfect...NOTHING is perfect.

Maybe you are all he was looking for and he's not ready for it...but that still leads us back to the same issue - that if he's not ready for it, he may fall short of being the guy you need him to be.

I hate being "perfect"...my boss tells me how absolutely wonderful I am and I groan...tell him take me off the pedestal, that I don't like heights...that I am human and I am flawed just like everyone else.

My BF used to tell me I am perfect...again, it made me squirm.

Now, when he looks at me, he says how wonderful I am and how grateful he is that I am in his life. That he knows I have imperfections, but loves me anyway. He says that he loves me cuz I am "natural". That I am not fake on any level, physically or emotionally.

And that makes me feel better. Cuz he is telling me what attracts him to me. And it feels more real than "you are perfect".

If your gut says to be cautious - it won't hurt to pay attention to it.

Give it time. That's all you can do.

May 7, 2007
2:42 pm
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horsefly
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MzKitty , I think you are a very special person. I know this in my heart.. Trust your intuition. I am not sure what kinda advise to give but , I do trust in your natural gift of insight. I know it is easier giving it to others and we can be blind of our own . But I respect you and know you are having problems too , knowing what is right for you is a tough call. I just want you to know I support you and care for you.. others here will help for sure , But I just felt the need to let you know I am here and care very much for you, horsefly

May 7, 2007
3:25 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

I like your idea of telling him to get me off of the pedestal. As a matter of fact I did tell him Saturday night that I know I'm not perfect, I'm human and I will and do make mistakes, the diffrence with me is that if or when I make a mistake, I'm always willing to listen to the other person and find out how something I did may have affected them, so that I may not do it again! But that doesn't mean that I won't make a mistake even after that! I guess the best way to put it is I consider myself to be a great communicator, and listen to other people, and I would love to find the same in the male form.

Trust me I will be very cautious!

May 7, 2007
3:44 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Mz Kitty . Is ther a reason you have not acknowleged me? horsefly

May 7, 2007
3:48 pm
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horsefly,
no hon, sorry, I am at work, and someone walked in when I last posted. I'll write more later, in the mean time, thanks for your support. This one is going to be difficult for me.

May 7, 2007
4:08 pm
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horsefly
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Thank you, I needed that . I just wanted you to know that it is ok for me too. I just didn't want you to feel obligated to me ...nor I to you. The only reason I mentioned anything was that you welcomed me here in the beginning. This is major to me . I just want you do know that. Other than that I just want to say Thank You. Maybe one day we will talk more...I think you are a very special person...I guess I have said that before. But Iam getting wiser and maybe I can help or we can help each other out, Love horsefly

May 7, 2007
4:41 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

I just wanted to write back and let you know that I just got off of the phone w/ "S", I had the prime opportunity to tell him that I know I'm not perfect and that I am only human, and his comment Saturday night concerned me. He very quickly followed that up with "I never said that you were perfect, I only said that you were perfect for me". Then I took your little phrase, "don't put me on a pedestal, I'm affraid of heights!" Thanks for that one!

Anyway, we'll see how this all turns out.

Horsefly,
I don't feel obligated at all to respond to anyone in here. I value the advice and friendships that I get from this site! It's probably some of the most honest and sincere advice and support that I've ever gotten. I never even got this kind of support from my family, so you guy's are like my extended family, and when I need advice or support everyone is always here to do that. That's why I love this site so much, including you!

May 7, 2007
4:42 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Ok MzKitty , I guess No Hon , My name is not hon. I take it this way. It is difficult to post and work at the same time, Later, horsefly

May 7, 2007
5:21 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mzkitty...the best advice you could follow is to NOT spend your time trying to figure him out...and just being open to his true actions and deciding if he is treating you well or not.

Analyzing will make us crazy...and in time, if you give him the chance, his true colors will show up.

The key here is to maintain your own sense of self, so that if he turns out to be not worthy of continuing, you can end things and move on without totally destroying yourself in the process.

As we have said all along...dating should be fun...and it's how you get to know the person before committing to the next level.

As I have so painfully learned...one should not commit to the next level, until they really spend some time getting to know the person.

That committing too soon is a failsafe way of getting hurt and risking alot by doing it.

Let him show you how well he plans to treat you...don't negotiate...don't analyze...don't try and figure out his next move...just watch and see...and if he treats you well, hang on to him...if he doesn't...then move on.

May 7, 2007
5:26 pm
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bevdee
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Hey MzKitty!

"Now mind you I'm being EXTRA CAUTIOUS about this situation right now and not completely falling for it!"

I think this is the best plan. And I like what Rising says- "just watch and see...and if he treats you well, hang on to him...if he doesn't...then move on."

It doesn't have to happen overnight like in the movies.

It's good to see you here sugar.

May 7, 2007
5:36 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising and Bevdee,

Thanks for the advice! Especially the part about over analyzing, I guess up until last week I had never really thought about it too much, but I do tend to over analyze things, and need to stop! So I'm glad that has been pointed out. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens, I just wish that last week I would have seen that I tend to over analyze, maybe this wouldn't have been so painful if I could have just seen it as clearly then! So thanks to both of you for pointing that out.

Horsefly,
I'm not sure by your last post if I think you understood what I had posted to you. Your last post sounds a bit angrey? I hope not.

May 7, 2007
9:23 pm
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horsefly
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No I am not angry , I hope you are not, Much love to yoy, horsfly

May 7, 2007
9:26 pm
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horsefly
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To be honest My mane is not Hon . So maybe I did not like that . horsf;y

May 7, 2007
9:42 pm
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horsefly
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So Sorry Mz, Kitty. Never feel the need to be angry with you. My name is not Hon. That is all. If you pick up anger I am sorry, That is your own deal. I wish you the best and that is all. Can you read into that? Love. horsefly

May 7, 2007
10:18 pm
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horsefly
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I just have have a problem being called Hon, Honey, Sweetie. Or unless they have earned that with me, I just get tired figuring iut who I can trust or so , please forgive me if I am wrong. But I just give up , I wish yiu well MzKitty horsefly

May 7, 2007
10:32 pm
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bevdee
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Horsefly,

Once a long time ago on another thread, you corrected me similarly about calling you hon. Once. It wasn't a big deal to me, but now I want to tell you that's just how I talk to folks. I call them sugar, honey, baby. It's just how I talk. I know others here do too.

Who else has called you hon to trigger you and cause you to angrily react this way?

(((HF)))

May 7, 2007
10:53 pm
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horsefly
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I don't know Beevee , sounds like that is your problem. Mybe that is somthing yu need to figure out not me.Your Pal , horsefly

May 7, 2007
10:59 pm
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bevdee
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Housefly?

No- it's not my problem. I also thought I perceived some anger in your post, and I remembered you telling me you were not "honey". That Arlea guy.

I know there are certain words that carry alot of inflection for me, and that's why I asked.

I believe that MzKitty was posting like she talks. I know I didn't mean any offense when I called you honey a while back, so that's why I posted to you.

(((HF)))

May 7, 2007
11:19 pm
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horsefly
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Yes dear, I do very much have problem or to maybe three? bUT MY QUESTION IS WHY ARE YOU bOTHER WITH ME? HORSEFLY

May 7, 2007
11:24 pm
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horsefly
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bevee...leave me a lone..housefly

May 7, 2007
11:25 pm
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bevdee
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Housefly why are you shouting now? Look- I didn't say you had a problem, I answered you when you said "sounds like that is your problem."

I answered "No- it's not my problem. I also thought I perceived some anger in your post,..."

May 7, 2007
11:26 pm
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bevdee
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HF

I apologise for posting to you.

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