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Help! MzKitty is in need of some advice!
May 1, 2007
10:33 am
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MzKitty
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Hey all! It’s been a while since I’ve posted in here, but I am in need of some advice!

I recently started dating this guy, things have been going good, but we have not decided that we are in an exclusive relationship. I think he is still on the market and actively looking to date other people (however don’t know that for a fact because of a lack of honest communication). So my question is I want to continue to date other people, but if I’m on the phone when he calls, or if I make plans with either my friends or someone else he wants to know who I was on the phone with or who I am going out with. How can I politely tell this guy it’s none of his business as we are not exclusively seeing each other?

This has always been a problem for me in dating relationships, I go out with a guy a few times and they think I should give them every detail about my life, and I’ve never known how not to tell them. HELP PLEASE!

MzKitty

May 1, 2007
11:12 am
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atalose
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How recently is recently that you started dating this guy?

Do you question him on his phone calls and who he's talking to?

It sounds like he is insecure or controlling. I'd simply say, it was a friend and change the subject. If you are on one call when he does call you, let it go into your voice mail and return the call at antoher time. If your friends call you while you are out with his guy, again, let it go into voice mail or tell them you are busy and you'll call them later.
I used to find rude when I was out with someone and they would get into converstions with someone else on the phone while I sat there.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 1, 2007
11:25 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well...if he is dating others - it would be good to know.

perhaps you need to talk about it?

or perhaps his only gripe is that you are disrupting your convos or time with him to chat with someone else.

So, either talk to him about it (communication is the best way to go).....or, avoid taking calls while you are focused on him....then he can't ask.

If you find him questioning your activities when you aren't with him....then you may have a problem...but again, it depends on the talk about how exclusive you guys are.

In the end, if you are having communication problems and can't get HIM to be honest...then perhaps he isn't worth hanging on to?

May 1, 2007
12:00 pm
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MzKitty
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atalos, and rising, thank you both so much for writing back.

So this is how I see it. No I've never questioned him about his whereabouts or who he is on the phone with. I guess I've just assumed that he is still seeing other people. Yesterday I asked him I don't know how many times if he was activly looking to date other people, he DID NOT one time answer my question. So that leads me to believe that he is still on the market, so I guess I assume that I am too. He has dropped little hints here and there that he wants to be physically involved, and I've made that VERY CLEAR that I only reserve that for people that I am seeing exclusively! So now I wonder if he just wants the physical aspect without the trouble.....Honestly I don't think we are exclusive, and I see yesterday that he was in a personals website...Funny story, he sent a message to me, not knowing it was me that he was sending a message to, said he had some pic's wanted to know if I wanted to trade, and chat sometime, that was when I asked him if he was wanting to date other people, he never answered my question, and I asked multiple times..... Help you guy's I don't want to put my heart on the line to just get hurt again!

May 1, 2007
12:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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well, I think you have your answer.

perhaps he is hoping he can wait around long enough to get "some"...that you are a challenge.

date others...and let him decide what he is going to do...you can always stop dating others when he decides to stop dating others as well.

May 1, 2007
12:10 pm
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At_it_Again
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Hi MzKitty,

Didn't you answer your own question when he sent you the message and didn't know it was you?!?

If he's not answering the question, that also tells you the answer.

I would not get physical with this guy!! Make him wait it out and that will tell you what you need to know. Either he'll bail for something easier or see that you're worth the wait.

May 1, 2007
12:20 pm
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atalose
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How long have you been dating him?

From your story that he didn't know it was you he was talking to lets you know that yes you can assume he is attempting to date others.

I also agree that if he's not answering the question, that says it all too.

Keep dating others, have fun and don't put too much into this guy right now.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 1, 2007
12:21 pm
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MzKitty
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At it again,
thanks for your input! But let me ask this. What do I do when he starts asking me who I'm on the phone w/ or who I'm going out with. I don't think it's any of his business. He's obviously still on the market so why shouldn't I be? I just don't know how to nicely tell him, hey babe, it's none of your business who I'm w/ and what I'm doing.....

Another thing just came up that has me bothered. about 95% of the time will call me between 8:30 and 9:00 a.m. it's now 10:30 and no phone call. Why am I letting that bother me. I'm fighting my old co-dependent way's, and in some way's I'm feeling pretty good, but I still find myself wondering what's going on......

May 1, 2007
12:24 pm
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MzKitty
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Atalos,

Your question "how long have we been dating", Lord that is a whole other story. We've been talking on the phone for months, but he never asked me out officially until a month ago. And that created a disagreement with us yesterday. Before we even went out on 1 date, I went out with another guy, and ran into this one. Yesterday he informed me that "I was out with another man when we were dating". I called him on that one, and told him B.S.! That we had not so much as been out on 1 date when I was with the other guy, so he couldn't use that against me AT ALL! I stood firm on that one!

May 1, 2007
12:38 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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well, it's not codependent to be freaking cuz he hasn't called - that's called fear of abandonment...or fear of rejection.

you are reacting cuz he has deviated from his normal routine and worry that it's because of something you did.

so, your reaction is to overreact and reach out to him and pull him back in....codependent is trying to fix him and fix whatever is wrong with thee situation...even if it's not your problem to fix.

BUT - do you want to? Is he really worth keeping around? Or just someone to hang out with and not get serious with?

So he hasn't called...it doesn't really sound like you are serious about him to begin with.

Keep dating others and don't freak if you haven't hooked this one...there are other fishies out there.

When he asks who calls? Do the same as he does to you...don't answer and change the subject. Or be evasive "a friend".

Or, avoid the questions by not answering and returning the calls when he isn't around.

It doesn't sound like this is a match...so, try not to stress about it.

May 1, 2007
12:42 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,
Thanks for your advice too.

I've tried not answering him, and boy that set's him off....He doesn't get mad, but he definetly let's me know that he doesn't like it if I try to be elusive about his questions. However if he does this to me again I will bring it up that I've asked him questions and he hasn't been forthcoming with the answers.

May 1, 2007
3:24 pm
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MzKitty
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I guess after re-reading these messages it's becoming clear to me that this guy may not be a good one for me. Thanks to everyone who posted......

May 1, 2007
5:54 pm
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bevdee
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MzKitty

I know you got backbone!

May 1, 2007
6:02 pm
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erinrose
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Good deal. I was lurking and thinking the whole time that this one is not a keeper. If he was for real you wouldn't even have all those questions because he would make it obvious that he just wants you. When they are serious about someone guys know exactly what to do.

May 1, 2007
6:50 pm
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taj64
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I tihnk this guy is not being forthcoming. YOu should know even after a few dates his intentions toward you. He seems indirect. It is better to get out of something quickly then to keep trying to figure out what is up. If this was off to a good start, it is easy going, and there is interest on both parts and you know rather quickly if itis going to be exclusive. If a guy really likes a girl and wants to know her, it is quite obvious and he finds out all he can about her and his intentions are known from the very beginning. It looks to me like both of you are working against something rather than toward something. If you are already feeling this confused, then it probably is not right for you. Good luck.

May 1, 2007
6:54 pm
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Honolulugal
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"When they are serious about someone guys know exactly what to do."

Well said, Erin!

H.

May 1, 2007
7:03 pm
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MzKitty
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Thanks everyone, please keep the advice coming! I need all of you right now. I think this is the first time I've decided to end something that isn't right for me, so having you guys to support me means more than I can say!

Thanks!

May 1, 2007
7:34 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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My dear MzKitty, I see you maybe in a sorta situation here. I am so glad you have posted. Although I may not have much advise, I have not beeen in the dating game yet, I do know for a fact you have tons of common sense. I have to say this though, if you are confused this is not a good sign. You should be able to feel comfortable with speaking the truth and being able to discuss this with whomever you are dating. I will always be here for you and hope I can support you in any way, Love horsefly

May 1, 2007
11:16 pm
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chickyfighter
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Mz. Kitty,
Hi, nice to hear from you, and know u are well.
I am sorry about this guy; as you have already concluded, it sounds like maybe he may not the one.
I am glad you came for advice; don't stop dating. I am sure the one will come up soon, take care! BTW, I really like what was said, they know what to do when they want things to work out.

May 1, 2007
11:31 pm
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chinita
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Hummm let me see sometimes it could be that there showing some of there colors being controlling or there just kinda getting a feel of where you guys stand. Now if it's a mutual thing and there is an understanding that you are not together just seeing each other then really he doesn't have any right to ask who your talking to.

When he does ask try making a joke out of it and say I don't ask you who you talk to and see his reaction. If he get's upset than ask him what does he exspect to come out of you guys?

But if your not ready for a relationship then throw the dice on the table and tell him.

May 2, 2007
11:35 am
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MzKitty
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Hey everyone!

Thank you all so much for your support. It is nice to be back in here where I feel that I have friends to give me words of encouragement when needed.

I guess this person is resolving the whole issue for me. He hasn't called me, and he usually calls like 10 times a day.

I want to share this with everyone though! The best part of this is I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm not sitting here wondering what I could have done to fix it! Yes I admit that I feel some sadness becuase we seemed to have so much in common, and had a lot of fun together, but if he isn't willing to communicate and work through things together, then he really isn't for me.

Yea ME!

May 2, 2007
4:39 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Yes MzKitty. Hooray for you ! I am not sure if I could handle anybody calling me 10 times aday. That alone is pretty intense. I bet you are a beautiful woman and the right person will come alng for you. I know you are smart so you will know when the balance is right...Love horsefly

May 2, 2007
5:56 pm
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bevdee
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MzKitty

"The best part of this is I'm not beating myself up over it."

This is great. You sure have grown alot since you first hit the boards. It's good to see you here. I had wondered about you.

Bevdee

May 2, 2007
6:12 pm
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MzKitty
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Bevdee

Hi! Thanks, I admit I am feeling good about myself, but also admit that I am struggleing with the games that go along with dating? It just seems to me that if you don't play your cards just right, and at the right time you lose! I guess I feel like men are very unforgiving these days. I just posted another message, and as I said in that post, I can't believe that just because I didn't call him back one night he's gone! Good Lord, it's not like I kicked his dog or anything, I didn't call him back! WOW and now I guess to him I'm not worth the effort and being kicked to the curb. Pretty Pathetic if you ask me.

May 5, 2007
5:44 pm
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erinrose
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Kitty,

Move on.

Forget about this person.He was likely interested in sex or mind games and you have lost NOTHING except maybe a little time.

Why are you saying men are unforgiving because this one guy was a jerk? There are nice men out there. Don't waste your time worrying about people who were never even real possibilities. If you walk around with the idea that men are jerks you will find jerks every time.

Games DO NOT have to part of dating. Games are part of dating with someone who is wrong for you. A good, solid guy is not going to play games.
He will be direct. You will KNOW what is going on and what's more you will not be afraid to bring up any lingering questions you do have because he will make you feel safe.Healthy relationships are safe, open, mutual and equal.

Why do you care if this man thinks you are not worth the effort? He is the one who was obviously not worthy of your time.

Take your power back.You are not a victim. You want to be confident so that you can attract men who are also confident. Be the person you want to be with. An emotionally healthy,confident,open man is going to be looking for his counterpart in female form.

So if you are not currently feeling emotionally healthy, confident, etc. then you know what you have to work on. When I was with a jerk- (and I was with him for way too long! I asked all of the wrong questions. And when I finally got out of it for good the best question that was put to me was this one: "What is wrong with you that you do not think you deserve to to be with a better man?" And then she told me to work on whatever my answer was to that question. I cried a while because I knew what it was I must do.I had to work on myself BEFORE I believed I was truly worth it.

I do deserve a better man and so do you. If you meet someone and you start to feel something is not okay- it probably isn't. Trust your gut.I find where there is smoke there is fire. And when I meet someone who is easily offended or has a hair-trigger temper or who blames everyone else for their problems I run for the hills! If a guy likes you he will call you back. And if he doesn't he won't. Pretty simple. DO NOT PURSUE THEM and do not play games.

No one is "too busy" to call. Chances are he has a cell phone.If you are important he will call. You will know when it is the right one.It will be nothing like this last one. You will be happy. Erin Rose.

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