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Help! my Borderline Personality BF has the doctor conned. I am being blamed!!
February 22, 2006
5:47 am
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StronginHim77
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My boyfriend of one year has been seeing a therapist with me since July for treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. It has reached a point where the doctor totally disbelieves what I tell him about the BF's mood swings, rages, tantrums, threats to abandon me, the idealization/devaluation cycles...all of it. Now, he is portraying ME as the "ill" one who is so emotionally needy and untrusting that I am causing all the BF's bad feelings and "acting out."

This is so insane. The doctor actually called my younger son to BP cycles in (which it does, routinely. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Where the supposedly trained, professional doctor buys the lies these BP's and N's spin and question the truth we non's are desperately trying to tell them, so that we can get help?

February 22, 2006
6:18 am
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revelation
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Strong...its never happened that a doctor believed him (as he's not gone to a doctor yet) but family and friends have....unfortunately this is one of those times, when the more you protest, the more you say...the more he will be believed. You will have to just sit back and let this cycle run its course...then let the doctor decide for himself who is "crazy".

I have a question...how are you allowed to talk to his doctor? Is it some sort of relationship doctor?

Its just that, my BF asked me to go and talk to a doctor with him, but I said no because I assumed that the doctor would not allow me to influence his diagnosis....

February 22, 2006
7:21 am
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gettingthere
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hi rev,,,,how much do you know about borderline/p i am very intrested to learn more what i have just read the above,and is my b/f to the t ,he is b/polar but i would say he is more borderline he has the rage the tantrums threats to leave and the most thing i am intrested in is the idealization/devaluation cycleshave you more info on this i would be really grateful......GT

February 22, 2006
11:10 am
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StronginHim77
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We are engaged to be married and have, accordingly, granted one. another medical power of attorney. We, therefore, attend these sessions with the psychatrist and there are no privacy "disclosure" issues.

There is an excellent book out called STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS - TAKING YOUR LIFE BACK WHEN SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER by Mason & Kreger. I would highly recommend this book to anyone whose SO (significant other) has (or may have) Borderline Personality Disorder.

The basic criteria follow:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbane: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritabiliy or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). (Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria. It's a mixture of depression, anxiety, rage, and despair).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger(e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paraoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

BPD is disgnosed when the patient consistently demonstrates at least five of the above, basic criteria.

From the book:

"Many BP's fluctuate between extremes of idealization and devaluation, called "splitting." People with BPD perceive other people as either a wicked witch or a fairy godmother, a saint or a demon. When you seem to be meeting their needs, they cast you in the role of superhero. But when they perceive that you've failed them, you become the evil villain.

Because people with BPD have a hard time integrating a person's good and bad traits, their current opinion of someone is often based on their last interaction with them - At any particular moment, one is either "good" or "evil," there is no in-between, no gray area."

I hope this helps you understand your BP a bit better?

- Strong

February 22, 2006
11:20 am
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revelation
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Hi, thanks for the recommendation. To be honest, I don't want to even attempt to look into the idea that he might be borderline at this stage...I have researched borderline, narcissistic and paranoid personality disorders online as I believe my mother has NPD traits. My EX, could be either of the three...but he seems to be more of a paranoid personality disorder. but, I suppose only a professional can tell.

gettingthere...honestly if you were to look up the prognosis and symptoms of NPD, BPD and PPD you would probably be hard-pushed to distinguish which one your ex might be...as the characterisitics would probably be similar to the untrained eye. Either way, all three have a habit of deflecting blame...but BPD and NPD are better at covering up their condition than PPD.

February 22, 2006
11:51 am
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I would say change the doctor if he thinks you're lying? Surprised why anyone else didnt give this suggestion till now, or maybe they did and I missed it.

February 22, 2006
11:56 am
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Ok sorry I guess I spoke too soon and didnt read carefully what you wrote. Ah. How about if you get him to change his doc, I hope that works.

Tell you BF that the doc disbelieves you and thinks you're lying. I hope your guy is understanding and honest and changes his doc.

February 22, 2006
12:18 pm
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my fault
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You are not alone on the doc beleiving your boyfriend over you. My husband went to see our therapist by himself nine months ago and she beleived what he told her.

It didn't matter that I saw her for months before he went, he has the ability to come across as calm and in control,I get the other side of him. I was told I was codependent on him and reacted to my asumptions.

I did go to another doctor, a phyctrist who did not see my husband as calm. My husband showed up to his office one day lambasting me and flying out of his office after his scene, I was dumb struck but it proved that he was exactly as I said he was.

Let me tell you that you are not messed up. You & I both need help to let go of these destructive relationships. Hang in there. We have been getting feed back from others who know what they are talking about. We both are getting help from these wonderful people. Take care.

February 22, 2006
3:30 pm
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gettingthere
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thanks strong ans revelation for your feedback much apreciated he has more than 5 criteria i would now say this answers alot of uestions for me especially the love you hate good evil thinking i can now make sense of alot of his behaviour.....takecare GT

February 23, 2006
2:44 am
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zinnia
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Maybe the doctor has a male-female issue? A BPD can be very persuasive in a controlling kind of setting, and doctors are usually relating to patients in such a setting. If the doctor thinks a female is supposed to be submissive, he might not be seeing the symptoms in your BF as symptoms, SiH.

When my ex and I were seeing a psychologist who was concerned because of my ex's dangerous NPD personality, he gave me some support as a court witness about events, but he refused to actually say in court what he had said in the office, that my ex is mentally ill (severe NPD) but he was willing to saddle me with a legal definition of "mentally ill" because of my depression that was due to all the abuse.

He actually told me he was afraid would ruin my ex's life by making his diagnosis "official" and expected me, as a female, to support that bit of coddling!

I am still angry at that jerk, after all these years.

February 23, 2006
9:50 pm
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Longstreet
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Strong!!! How are you? Where have you been? What is happening in your life? Oh my God I can't believe what you are going through. My ex totally had the therapist conned. It made me so mad. It felt like it was an hour a week they ganged up on me and I was the problem. And I was paying for it! What is happening???
Long

February 24, 2006
5:22 am
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revelation
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Hi, Look I wanted to write more on this...as I remembered when my brother was divorcing his wife, who although undiagnosed, had several NPD traits. I remember the lengths that this woman went to have my brother discredited within our community. At one stage, she brought "pornagraphic" pictures to their childrens paediatrician which she claimed where drawn by her daughter as proof of "what daddy does to me" in other words, she was trying to make out that my brother was molesting his daughter. It turned out that she (ex-wife) had coaxed her friends little girl into drawing these pictures. My brothers three kids had to undergo 3 psychiatric assessments. She also went to my fathers place of work and screamed at the top of her voice that her daughter was not a prostitute, making out that my father was molesting his then 7 year old grand-daughter, even thinking about this time turns my stomach...this was all because my brother was looking for primary custody of their three children (after she had repeatedly abandoned them to go on 2 day drink-binges) The lengths that this woman went to were unbelievable...the lies that she told on the witness stand were so outrageous, you could only sit their with your mouth open. These people have a nasty way f twisting your words into something completely different...they feed of others weakness and vulnerablility...The only way that my brother overcam this barrage of accusations was to 1. Remain very calm at all times - never fly off the handle and 2. Document Document Document - Keep a journal, right down all events, everything said, everything done....and let the therapist read it...this will enable you to show the therapist what really going on without sounding like a confused-angry-crazy person (Which we can all tend to sound like when we feel threatened and feel we are not being listened to!)

February 24, 2006
4:52 pm
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jimmy2
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Hi Stronginhim77,
I totally identify with you. I lived with a severe borderline personality disorder case whilst a graduate student.

She became convinced that I was in a relationship with her & then that I was being abusive to her, both of which were untrue.

She managed to persuade most of my school faculty and students of this fact. I ended up leaving that school & thank god I'm much happier where I am today, well away from that Pyschopath. However I still have to face the fall-out of what she did to me every day.

February 27, 2006
8:43 pm
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Longstreet
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Strong, I'm bumping this up in the hopes you see it. How are you? I've been away from the boards and came back and saw your post. What is happening???
Long

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