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HELP ME TO HELP HER
October 11, 2001
12:16 pm
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amati
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This is a first for me. I know the rule says talk about yourself, but I'm desperate. My wife of 17 years suffers big time depression and it is ruining our life. A little history. After our first was born (10 years into a fairly successful marrige) my wife had a bout with post-pardem depression. Depression runs rampid in her family. At that time, her conclusions were that EVERTHING was my fault and as a result she came very close to having an affair. After literally begging her to get help, she started taking Paxil. Paxill took the "edge" off but the side effects ruined our sex life as it took all lebido away from my wife. She has not had an orgasm in 5 years. I have completely been loyal to her (except occasional mind lust)and have managed to deal with very infrequent, crappy sex. Our second was born 4 years ago and although post pardem was not as intense, it did occur. Sadly, her father passed away 2 years ago which has just added to her stress. She also started smoking again after both of us had quit for 3 years. I'm still clean going on 4 years. This last year my wife took herself off paxill without a doctor's oversite because she doesn't need any damn pink pill. Her depression has now escalated to the point that she is angry 24 hrs a day, we cannot talk, she continues to blame everything on me and anyone else. Everyone of her relationships is strained, every reaction from her is automatically negative, every situation no matter how small is huge, and distortion, over reaction and intense anger result. Lots of everys, I know. She is very defiant and her pride prevents her from seeking help or even self evaluating her behavior. Because she gives into anger so quickly, I cannot discuss anything with her. I have expressed willingness to do therapy. Last year, we attempted a marrige counselor but she decided it wasn't doing anything and refused to go. I think she didn't like the fact that the councelor didn't believe that I am the only reason for our problems. Her behavior is now adversely effecting our kids. Why is Mom mad all the time? Iv'e been reading about cognitive theory and I see my wife has all the signs of depression. All of her automatic reactions are negative. She is stressed all the time. The point of this is my wife needs therapy. Ofcourse, I cannot suggest that without the expected reaction. I am not perfect by any means but have no signs of depression. I have always treated my wife with respect and my personality is one that looks for solutions and compromises for problems. I have been guilty of anger myself(totally controlled) and I have not always reacted correctly to her outragous behavior. I love my wife and I am very worried about her and the wellbeing of our family. I feel like a poster child for codependence. My biggest worry is that she will initiate our breakup based on her distorted view of her negative world. She doesn't realize that I am on her side and if I didn't care, I would be out of here a long time ago. I love my kids emmensly and I canot imagine not being a part of their lives. I also worry that if I'm out of the picture, she will turn her distorted anger on them. If a breakup is to occur, I want that decision to based on real issues from 2 people thinking clearly. I am the only one here thinking clearly right now. She is a good Mom and I want our kids to be part of a family. I honestly feel that if I could get my wife in therapy, most of our problems would either flat out go away and at least give us the tools to eliminate them. I'm sorry I've rambled so much here but the big question is how do I get her to voluntarily seek HELP?

THX

October 11, 2001
2:19 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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From what you state, therapy is definately in order, if she doesn't agree to go, and not just marriage, she needs to get to the root of her anger, which will manifest its self as depression, I would threaten to leave and take her children, as abuse is real hard to define, and a mean, mad mom all the time would be hard to defend. The problem is you can't force her but if she really is this bad, you are the only one with the power to effect treatment, ie., you are the only other person who could get her hospitalized. So, it all might blow up with respect to the family, but you can only live like this so long before you and the children are affected. Good luck

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