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Help Me Stop Communicating With Him
August 26, 2007
11:46 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Destinyhorse, I am going over to my brother's house soon. It is his birthday today, I will be back later. I started a new thread so that we can find each other easier and you won't be left hanging , because I am in and out alot. The thread title is The OK Corral. I will be around for a while , maybe you will post on the new thread? HP!! horsefly

August 26, 2007
11:53 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Kinda like the horse club you have been talking about . HP! HF

August 26, 2007
12:35 pm
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_anonymous
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Matteo- Yes it is a lengthy process. This is the best place for me to work through my situation. I get frustrated becase i cannot figure these things out for myself. But when I post here it is amazing how people can pin point the issue. I pray to live to see the day I have put this guy completly and totally behind me. The folks here really opened my eyes to the fact he was sooo selfish. I used to be very sympathetic and understanding of his needs and everyone elses at the expense of my own. And look where it got me. So, I am in a different mode. I am willing to do whatever it takes to emotionally get divorced from him. My head is in one place my heart in another. The father of my kids just suddenly passed away at the age of 46 6-28-07, my husband went to jail 7-6-07 and my first born child just went to jail 8-21-07. So, I have serious abandonment issues. I feel like if disconnect with my worthless husband then I will have no one.

August 26, 2007
12:38 pm
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_anonymous
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Horsefly- The OK Corral is a good idea. I think there are a few other horse lovers here as well that should enjoy it. I know Wasabi is getting a barn built then there was one other. HP! See you at the OK Corral.

August 27, 2007
11:11 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Destiny - late to the game here - but see that most of it has been resolved.

I think matteo was trying to be helpful in that she was pointing out that you had given GOOD advice to others - and it's the same advice you need to apply to your own situation.

It is often easier to help someone else than to help ourselves - it's easier to see the answers to other's problems, while we stay stuck in ours...that whole forest thru the trees analogy.

There are some theories to this - I have said them time and time again - one is that we don't WANT to see our own problems - it's easier to stay focused on others - cuz we don't have to do the work - it's hard to look in the mirror and see our own faults, it's also hard to do the work to get out of the mess we got into. So, we look for a distraction - other people - so we can stay focused on them and not us.

Second, we often have a hard time taking our own advice.

There is a quote I ADORE - "we teach best what we need to learn most".

It goes hand in hand with the finger pointing thing - one pointing at someone else, four pointing back at yourself.

We often have advice for others - advice that we SHOULD be taking ourselves. If we just learn to listen to our own advice and TRUST IT - as much as we are asking our friends to trust it - we would be golden. This goes hand in hand with trusting what we know - trusting our own truths.

You HAVE given valuable info no sociopaths and more - you need to focus on how it applies to you - as well as everyone else here.

I am glad you worked it out with matteo - I really didn't see that she was intending any harm.

The biggest thing to remember is that if we want others to consider taking our advice, for credibility reasons, we should lead by example and take our OWN advice first and foremost. Others will trust us more if we lead by example - if we trust our own advice...and apply it to our own situation. How can another person trust our advice is sound if we aren't following it ourselves - if we don't believe it ourselves?

August 27, 2007
12:08 pm
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_anonymous
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Rising- The problem is I have no objectivity when it comes to mine. Thats why I put it out here. I have learned alot from people like you especially the part about being manipulated by him, etc. Since I cant call him, and I seldom write I dont have to deal with the me contacting him thing. His letters all sound about the same. There is no substance to them. He complained about his shoulder hurting and said he wanted to get medical intervention for it when he got out then says I will get the pills but I wont take them. The fact that he would even take another perscription much less pick up one tells me all I need to know. He is stupid enough to tell me that he plans to still get them and dumb enough to think that I believe he wont take them. He will not start Drug rehab til next week. He gets sentanced Thurs. It is at the point where emotionally I feel anger towards him and find it hard to think about how horrible life was with him in it. My life is so calm, and peaceful now. Just dont see a need for him in it. With any luck I will get interested in someone healthy and move on.

Again I have a mental disability and cannot process information especially when it applies to me it could be something as simple as someone telling me how to start my car. I will hear words. Wont remember them until later. When people talk or write I see and hear words. Dont know what they mean until I have a long time to process it.

August 27, 2007
12:21 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I realize this - wasn't trying to harp/nag.

I hope that in time - you will grow to NOT need him.

My WORRY is that you will be ok with him gone - but will fall for him should he return.

Out of sight, out of mind.

My desire for you would be to build up your strength so that should he return, you have the knowledge, strength and determination NOT to let him back in the door.

It's easy when he's not in your face...I know this...but when a persistent guy is in your face, promising you the world - it's hard to say no. I used to say that I HOPED that my ex would just stop coming by - so I didn't have to say no...which I couldn't.

My hope is that you slowly, at your own pace, absorb all the information you have given us (the sociopath stuff is good) and help yourself grow strong, so you don't backslide should he get out.

August 27, 2007
1:03 pm
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Raphael
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Destiny,

I haven't read all 107 responses, lol, but I get an idea of what you're going through. I've had some very toxic relationships in my life. I'm a giver, like you seem to be. I stay with people in hopes of healing them, bringing out the best side of them permanently. I get a glimpse of that positive side of them and I fall in love with it.

Unfortunately, it's only one side, and they don't know how to develop it on their own. They become attached to good people because it helps them forget their own problems for a while. You know, misery loves company. Before you know it, their problems become yours and you are now a crutch for them to lean on full time. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be somebody's drug or excuse. I want to be their partner---and by partner I don't mean "in crime".

You aren't doing yourself or him any service by keeping in touch. Cut the cord. Let him know you both need some growing to do and that you need to do it separately. Not even as friends. Space is important for you both. He'll have to wean himself off of you and learn how to deal with his own problems. You may crying at this because (sigh) you still care about him and worry about him self-destructing. But does he worry that he's destroying you? No. He's sick. He can't see you, only what you can give him.

He needs to learn how to grow up, and you can't help him with that. You're not his Mommy or his psychiatrist. And frankly, he's not even your friend at this point. He doesn't need your friendship. He needs help, which only he can give to himself if he's to carry on as a healthy individual for the rest of his life. Don't accept calls. Or letters. Or meet occasionally. He needs to get that he messed up, not only with you, and HE needs to fix it. Hopefully he won't look for another crutch and will get on the right track. Necessity is the mother of invention. I just hope he's not a mad scientist with the intent of resuming his experiments on more unsuspecting women!

Again, that's not your conern. Cut the cord! He'll be okay. And so will you. Trust me! Been there (sigh)...

Take Care. Literally! Don't be a martyr.

August 27, 2007
4:31 pm
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_anonymous
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Rising- I stop and do a lot of research on these types. Then copy and type it for others as an exercise to get into my being as well. I like and need the constant reinforcement to keep crawling towards the exit door and the reassurance that it will be OK. Pavolv would have given up his experiment if he had to deal with me. My mind feels empty. Like I draw a blank when it comes to him. I dont have dreams about him or fantasies. My heart doesnt skip a beat when I hear his voice or read his letters. Just about everything he did and said annoyed me. From the ring he found in the dirt at a camp ground then gave to me as a christmas gift to the trash dumpsters he would dig through in broad daylight looking for cans to turn in to buy beer with. These are some preciouse moments I'll tell ya. Then there is my daughter another bundle of joy. If the neighbors werent thinking there goes the neighborhood after laying eyes on him they must have after being afforded the pleasure of listening to my daughter call me filthy names non-stop because I would not give her $500 to bail her gang banger B-friend out of jail. Oh, did i mention the fact that when I threw her out she called the sheriffs who felt sorry for her and gave her a ride to a bus station. Sure I can just pick up and ditch them both while I still have the chance but I would feel guilty.

August 27, 2007
4:38 pm
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_anonymous
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Rapheal- Thank you for your post. He is in jail. For a while. So, that limits any real contact. Which is good. I did write to him a while back and told him I was trying to restore myself to where I was before I met him. Which I have. He is due to enter rehab next month. In jail. He will have to get his ass out of bed everyday and attend a vocational program, anger management, drug classes etc. While I am doing as I damn well please which is relaxing and enjoying life without his BS. I have no idea what will happen at the end of the road. I am trying to prepare for that day and to disconnect from him. Its hard because we are not even together to disconnect from to begin with. Emotionally I have to feel 100% Ok without having in my life. I am not there yet. I am getting there though. Doing better than I was before. His probation officer said he cant move to the county where I live. So that is a good thing. I wish I knew what it was a person could do to delete someone from there life emotionally.

August 27, 2007
5:49 pm
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lettingo
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Dest,

The line "With any luck I will get interested in someone healthy and move on" kind of jumped out at me. Personally, I feel it is not a good idea to get involved with someone else for awhile especially when you need that person to help you move on. You will make better relationship choices if you get on your own two feet and find contentment being alone and enjoying your own company. You need to really heal and get help in finding out why you hung in there as long as you did or why you picked this person in the first place. Remember, "hungry people make poor shoppers". I know how you feel because I wanted the same thing at first when I was going through my divorce. Actually dated someone for a few months and it really was a big mistake. I am working the 12 steps in Alanon and promise myself not to get into any relationship until I have finished all the steps. At the rate I am going it will take a least a year. I do get lonely but I am so much happier and at peace than I was when I was with my alcoholic/addict ex-h. He too is in jail. I have no contact with him which makes things so much easier. I changed my phone numbers so he couldn't contact me anymore because I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to not get pulled into his games. He had a way of pulling very hard on my heart strings. I made up my mind that I was done so what is the point. Hang in there and be true yourself.

August 27, 2007
11:53 pm
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_anonymous
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What I say about finding another is nothing more than a WISH. I am not the least bit interested at this time. Just wished I was. I am content to sit around, relax and do nothing besides take care of my kids. Alanon is tomorrow I hope I remember to go. I didnt get much out of the first meeting. I felt like a fish out of water. Thursday is his sentancing. He might get more charges and more time which will be a blessing. I hardly know this man. Seems like a stranger writing me the letters. Most of it is pure fantasy. He has been in my life for years. So many I cant remember. Not romatically either. I lived in an extremly remote location. No neighbors for one mile. He was my closest neighbor. I never watch TV. So him and his daughters dysfunction and drama provided me with non stop entertainment. I even quit talking to them for 1 1/2 years. Strange when I ran into him at a store it was like no time went by. Even after I married him, we were hardly together and I could walk off and not talk to him for a week or see him for a month. Like no big deal. It was weird. He has been gone for 2 months. Too me he hasnt been gone long enough. We did not have a close, loving, dependent relationship. I guess there is nothing to miss.

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