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Help Me Stop Communicating With Him
August 22, 2007
5:29 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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My dear Turn, I do remember you. Maybe another time or so....Take Care, horsefly...Mr. Boob. Give me a break...tehee....HP take care, horsefly

August 22, 2007
5:32 pm
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turnabout
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I think you clearly need to cut ties with him as much as possible. He's toxic for you. But I'm curious about why you announced you were divorcing him. You said:

**I finally took a call so I could put 2 feet on the ground and ask him to do something for me (get rid of the storage shed). I was annoyed by his response (didnt want to do it). Then I let him know it was such a major issue that I was ready to end the marriage over it.**

Did you tell him that you were ready to end the marriage as a way of trying to scare him into getting rid of the shed? I know you were truly irritated and upset with him, but this kind of conditional arrangement sounds like an attempted manipulation on your part. That makes me wonder if you're really anywhere near ready to let go of him. You kind of backed yourself into a corner. "If you don't do this, I'll do this..." and then he doesn't, so you have to follow through. I mean, it's almost like you didn't make the decision to divorce yourself. You put it in his court by even laying a condition out there.

I hope you can spend some time completely apart from him for a while so you can sort out what you want for yourself whether he's in the picture or not.

He's had a lot of choices just in the bits you've told us in this thread. He could have chosen to be genuinely interested in your feelings. Instead, he asked for you to share them just because he was looking for an ego boost for himself. He chose himself over you. He could have chosen concern for your welfare since his actions landed him in jail and put a hardship on you. He could have chosen to become aware of your hardship by asking after your welfare. Instead, he pities himself for having no control over his own life, including your role in it. He chose himself over you again. Again, and again and again.

And it will continue, dstar, as long as you accommodate his selfishness by choosing HIM over yourself again and again and again.

I hope you can figure out that you don't want him in your life in a way that isn't based on conditions ... if he does this or didn't do that... He just is as he is. And it isn't that he doesn't deserve to be loved ... It's just that YOU DO.

August 22, 2007
5:41 pm
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turnabout
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Hi horsefly .... yes, i don't get to browse too many threads... I always want to make lengthy responses if I do!!... but I've notice you many times... Good to see you!

August 22, 2007
6:06 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Dang it to Jupiters, I did remember the people that gave me so much hope...

August 22, 2007
6:56 pm
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_anonymous
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Horsefly- HP! Glad you are still around. You are somewhat mysterious. You never exactly told me what you've been up to. Still waiting to here. I am going through horse withdrawals. That is what I do think about horses. I want a baby one. A baby welsh pony.

Turnabout- The storage shed was not the issue. It was the location. When my husband first met me he kept ties to his X who lives up there. He would just go on and on about her and a custody battle, then people calling that they saw her & she is doing this and that. Everyone he knows from the area only called and talked about his X, their kid (who wont have anything to do with him cause he hit her) Everyone he knows drinks all day and all night, smokes pot, etc. Then he would get mad and go on and on and on about it. So the issue was him having ties to that area or ever going back there again. I could care less about the storage units or the contents. It was nothing but negative energy. So, I came to the conclusion in March that if hanging on to his past and all the BS is so damn important to him that I was prepared to end the marriage and move on, I did, I filed for divorce and moved out. I never told him why. Until the other day. I came right out and said he was crazy if he thought for one second I was about to assist him with maintaining ties to that area. I told him I was so seriouse that I had filed for divorce and wanted to divorce him over that (which was the truth). It was not an ultimatum it was exactly how bad I felt about it. Whenever he brought me around anyone he knew he treated me like garbage and ignored me. Would just sit an talk to his X's on the phone, walk off somewhere with them while I sat there. That is what pissed me off. It was the deciding factor for me to cut ties.

Your right he continues to make bad choices. But he always makes choices in his favor.

Thank you for brining clarity to this issue.

August 22, 2007
7:09 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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YooHoo Destiny, I am an open book here.........I have mini chapters everywhere, what I am is what you get.......I am not a mystery just human like you are......I am learning to make good choices for me......and not to worry if his choices eat the Mule. Love, horsefly

August 22, 2007
7:17 pm
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_anonymous
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Horsefly- You are so funny. What eats mules anyways? What have u been up to? Anything new?? I am just dying for a cute little colt. That is where my mind goes. That is what I love most horses. Puppies are cute too.

August 22, 2007
7:32 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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At Last. We question who ate the Mule ? Why? And what would eat a mule? What do we mean Mule anyway? Or eat? Or who is who in Honolulu ? And how many cookies did it take? I give up ? I hate my Ex.....In a healthy way....He can eat a large billy goat.........Hp, horsefly

August 22, 2007
8:09 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Destiny, Another tune popped in my head......He took the Katie and left me a Mule to Ride....my my......horsefly

August 22, 2007
8:33 pm
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suzani
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Destiny -
Wow, I'm new here, but wanted to say that as soon as I read that you asked him to give up the shed and he refused - and read what SadMike said about how someone who loved you would do anything for you - it made some of my own stuff so much clearer. And I think you are great that you did not fall for it when he finally said he would give it up. That was no gift from him. That was not done to make you feel safe/respected/loved. Take care of yourself and prepare yourself for the day he shows up and tries to make you feel sorry for him . . .
Suzani

August 22, 2007
10:25 pm
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_anonymous
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Horsefly- My husband would eat a goat literally. One day he brought some to my house. And milked them and drank the milk. Said he was going to eat them.

suzani- Yes. Giving up something that he cant afford or need cause he is in jail is hardly in the category of doing something for me anyways. He doesnt really try to get sympathy. He has accepted what is going on. He missed a great deal of his life being under the influence of drugs and alcohol and is now in his right mind and has no social skills to speak of. His probation officer said she will not give him permission to come to the county that I live in.

August 23, 2007
8:28 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Destiny -

his ties to any of his past is NOT what makes him the man he is.

HE IS WHO HE IS - and cutting ties to his past is NOT going to change him in any way.

You have discussed wanting him to cut ties to his family. Now the storage shed.

This isn't going to change him ONE DAMN BIT.

He is the man he is because he CHOOSES to remain this way.

Cutting ties and being alone with you is not going to change him into the man you need him to be.

All this does is puts you in the position of control - controlling him - manipulating him. It gives you the sense that he loves you cuz he is giving things up to be with you.

But he NEEDS you - so he'll give up anything - for now.

But that won't change him.

ONLY you can walk away from this - from him. It's your choice. Period.

Only YOU can help YOU.

August 23, 2007
8:36 am
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lalasgirl
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okay destiny....here we go.....

my spouse jacked my jaw....went to jail for 90 days...got out early..was so sorry in jail....never would this happen again.

so i took him back...he hurred us off to another state...i became the victim again, him the predator.

need i say more....leopards don't change their spots.

we are hopelessly in love with the wrong men. change yourself this minute and i will do the same. the mantra: i forgive him, I am LETTING HIM GO, I am moving FoRwArD with my LIFE!!!!......

take care of you......and i will do the same.

August 23, 2007
8:52 am
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SadMike
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I just don't understand how a man can proclaim love for a woman and then turn around and abuse her.

I really saddens me.

August 23, 2007
9:05 am
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lalasgirl
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sadmike....

the key word in your sentence was:

"MAN"........these men are not men but bratty boys that never realized that they were responsible for their actions. no real man would hit or abuse a woman....and no REAL WOMAN would abuse her man.....

so our key?....boys do not equal men
girls do not equal women.....

for me i am stopping being the little Girl Victim....it is my choice and i don't want any more Boys I want a MAN. (figuratively speaking that is).....

nice to hear a man talk like you. very refreshing.

August 23, 2007
9:46 am
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SadMike
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I was abused both mentally and physically by both of my parents. Not to the extent that some are but yet abuse was there; it has taken me years to even just say it was abuse. Yet, I feel no compulsion to hurt anyone in that manner nor would I. There is never a reason to hurt the one you "love" by hitting them or using deragatory language to describe them personally such as calling them "ugly", "fat", "dumb", "stupid", "bitch" or any of the myriad other words one might use. I won't even use those words in passing or "harmless" fun; I'm that much against them.

When I married (my now ex) wife I made vows and I held those vows seriously - to love and honor her. And I can truthfully say that I upheld my end. In all honesty, she was not the best looking woman in the world (by everyone's standards), but she was to me; she was not the smartest person in the world (by the same token) but she was for me. I always treated her with the dignity and respect she deserved. It was not always returned to me (and that was my fault for not demanding the same respect that I paid) but nevertheless I really did love her.

I don't love her anymore and I've not spoken with her in a very long time. I do know, though, that she went off with a man that did (does) "abuse" her emotionally and physically. I suppose if there's any emotion there at all, it's a puzzlement that she doesn't have it in her to remove herself from that abusive relationship - she had the ability to leave someone who really cared for her but cannot find it within herself to leave someone who is abusive.

I now have someone in my life that is much like me in how she views relationships; I've really fallen in love with this woman and I don't say that lightly - it means something to me; it means a certain level of respect and admiration that surpasses the casual.

August 23, 2007
10:15 am
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lalasgirl
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good....very good.

back to you destiny....girlfriend? are ya feeling me? what are you doing....??? i thought NO contact was a rule?

Hey, aren't you the one that was teaching me a thing or two about no contact with a sociopath? hmmmm?

so.....you said the rule is: No Contact. nuff said.

are you going to wrestling tonight on Libs? pretty dirty business.

August 23, 2007
11:37 am
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_anonymous
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Rising- you are right. he chooses to gravitate towards people who have negative energy people who drink and use. the only reason why he would not go up north is because his probation officer said he has to have permission to leave the county from her. Its not like he can just get up and to anywhere anymore. He is the type that lies, if he wants to do something he will find an excuse to be mad at me and take off. But, I was married to him. I filed for divorce in March. Because I had to protect myself and wanted the thing to proceed uncontested after I had him served I did not mention it again. It wasnt until just now since the papers will be finalized in a month that I felt the need to just go there & just come right out and tell him why I am divorcing him. It is not like anything he does or says will change that. I am legally terminating the marriage no matter what. The fact that he had one foot in my life and one foot in another life was the bottom line why I divorced him. He was always flying under radar so to speak. Associating with people from his past under the lie that he was not with me, etc. I have no idea why he did this. I think it was because I told him anyone smoking pot, drinking alcohol and discusses his X's werent allowed in my home or my life. He could not impose his will on me. I told him repeatedly he could do as he damn well pleased (go and be around all that) and so could I (I would leave him). Since his BS continued I did just that. I know that while he is locked up he will say anything. I know damn well that the moment he is out he will go right back to his BS again. His probation officer said he might be looking at more time and new charges because she found out he had 2 guns registered under his name and violated probation by not turning them in. I PRAY he will get more time. I will know 8-30-07. The more time he stays out of my life the happier I am and the more disconnected I become. It is a process. I will let go of him 100% when I am ready. I know I am at at least the 1/2 point by now. It does seem that the more he calls and writes and the more I put him in a situation to actually carry out his promises and he does not deliver brings clarity to my mind that the situation is hopeless.

lala- what did you mean by wrestling tonight on libs? I am very proud of you for getting as far as fast as you have with your situation. I am getting there. I am not really in love with him. Just attached. I do realize what I am dealing with. It doesnt matter what I say or what I do. He will never change. And he is suffering the consequences for all of his bad choices. I am doing better because of mine. My life is quiet and peaceful.

Sad- Attraction to someone lives in the emotions not in the intellect. So even though someones head might say a person might be good for them they might not feel it in their heart and vice versa. Just because a man cares for a woman does not mean she will care for him in return. I am glad that you found a woman that you have something in common with.

August 23, 2007
12:44 pm
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lalasgirl
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destiny,

i'm not far along....just trying to have a sense of humor....i am dying on the inside and i hurt so bad....i miss my husband. i truly do.

August 23, 2007
1:35 pm
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_anonymous
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Lala- It is hard. Emotional ties just dont break off over night. I love my husband, but I dont miss him. He calls and writes. It seems to help. But for every second I spend on that I spend that much and more moving on. That is just how I handle it. Your husband seemed really bad off with hurting you so bad physcially and living lies with fake ID's. I am sure he loved you. But he only knew love in a sense of what he needed from you. And could probably turn on you on a dime if you didnt give it to him cause people like that are very impulsive. He doesnt even know who he is or how to go about things the right way. With someone like him ignoring him will force him to think about what he did to you and life without you. I dont like the fact he wants to contact you to intimidate you into dropping the charges. I dont think so. I am here for you to listen to whatever is going on in your mind. I understand. It is hard hard as hell to let go.

August 23, 2007
2:34 pm
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SadMike
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Amen Destiny! It sure is hard as hell to let go. You can do it though.

August 23, 2007
2:56 pm
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lalasgirl
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yeah....okay......

they don't make enough bud light for what i am going through.....pity party....everybody say ahhhhhhhhh.

but i am truly lonely. i love my company....but that is all i have really had....i would love to ride on the back of a bike and feel the wind....i would love that...i need to get busy again.......stop moaning...call the WHAAAAA bulence...i'm whining and whining. hurry call the WHAAAAAAAA A BUUUlence
i miss my man...and i shake my own head when i read that....whaaaaat????
he was abusive???? maybe i am so forgiving that i am stupid.....i could live with that scenario....but he stilll doesn't want me....he would treat me meaner now....cause i went against him......man i am hopeless running for faith who had no courage or strength to not fall apart.....i am lost.....ambivalent....again...i should be so angry still and i'm not....i am numb.....probably qualifies me for the diagnosis of depression.....who didn't know that was coming?????? man i hurt...i do.

maybe just an extra helping of drama these days....pull me out....i'm calling to you....pull my ass out of this gunky life and make me walk away.....come on....make me walk away...i need to ....run away.......not just walk

August 23, 2007
3:30 pm
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turnabout
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Nah, running away never helped anybody, because running away keeps you focused on the unhealthy thing from which you are running. People always say they need to run fast and far away from something bad for them, but really we all need to be running TOWARD healthy things. You need to inch toward getting your focus off of him. It will take a long time and only happen bit by bit, but that's the direction you need to move.

I wonder what you could move toward.

August 23, 2007
9:30 pm
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lalasgirl
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i will move toward me. i am worth it...i have value...i was just beat down for a minute.

life will get better it always does.

thanks for hanging on to me...

August 23, 2007
10:59 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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It is hard for me sometimes to move toward finding myself or running. I have always done this for someone or reacted to someone......But I have hit the emotion bottom here. I just wade through everyday like a duck....Somedays are ggod and somedays are bad.....some a little of both.......but I do not think of him so much anymore....8 months later....Talk about feeling grateful.......Well I am. I hope I wiil learn to pay more attention to myself and take care of myself....I hope everyone here will too......horsefly

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