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Help Me Stop Communicating With Him
August 22, 2007
11:23 am
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_anonymous
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My husband has been in jail since 7-6-07. My divorce will be final 9-28-07. At first he writes letters and makes calls, you know the drill how he changed, how much he loves me. I didnt ever tell him how I was doing, and didnt respond to anything he wrote. Finally, after he was in jail for over a month I wrote a perfunctory to the point letter. Basically it pointed out that the realtionship was not give and take it was take, take, take. That he only talks about himself doesnt understand how I feel. Let him know I loved him, but I was totally disppointed. I told him I wasnt going to slip back into his same old trap and when he got out of jail I would take another look and decide if I wanted to try again.

This letter was written of course after recieving a ton of letters telling me how much he changed and how much he cared about my feelings and begged me to put them in writing.

The response I got was he did not want to talk about how terrible and uncarring he was wanted to just hear postive things.

I told him that a storage shed he kept up north near his X, where all the drugs, negative energy, & shit talkers are bothered me and I wanted him to give it up. I told him that I did not want to be married to him if he was going to continue maintaining ties to that area. He got mad and said that I was telling him what to do did not ask him and that he would resent me later on if he had to get rid of all of his hobbies. Before he went to jail he owed me $400 for his share of the living expenses. He told me he decided not to pay me the money because it was more important that he pay his overdue storage shed fees. Because of this I had to sell my horse because I did not have the $180 board money. I did not mention that to him. I did tell him that I was not telling him what to do that he could have his storage shed, his hobbies and his BS up north but he could not have me. At that point I informed him that I had filed for divorce and it would be final in September. I told him that should be good news to him because then he could do whatever he wanted without having to worry about me. Of course he back tracked and said "you are the one who is in control, if you dont want to pay the storage shed then dont, I guess I wont have anything left to come back to when I get out". I told him that if he didnt have anything left to come back to that was because of him. Not because of me.

I had also asked him to tell me how his life was growing up. What made him so angry. To which he responded "I cant even begin to tell you" and wanted to find the "right person" to tell it to.

Basically, he wants me to wait for months on end until he gets out of jail. The only 2 things I have asked him for was to get rid of the storage shed and to tell me what happened to him growing up. Then I got an earful of why he couldnt and wouldnt do that for me.

I dont know how to respond to all of this. Yes I am following up on my divorce.

August 22, 2007
11:36 am
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turnabout
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Why do you need to respond to any of it? What would you get out of it?

August 22, 2007
11:54 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Hey Destiny, I was kinda worried about you. I am glad you posted. To me this is now a disturbing conversation you are having with him. I can plainly see his manipulating you. I also question you not teeling him you sold your horse......Sounds like me..I go all out for my ex and don't tell him....(codependence). I think your hand is going to play out. Once he gets out you will have to deal with him soon enough..Septmber? I suggest taking your time now for youself and working out a relationship over the phone while he is in jail is fruitless. I am so glad to hear from you, HP! horsefly

August 22, 2007
12:00 pm
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bevdee
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DestinyStar

Guys like this still make me want to hurl. It's as if you two are speaking a different language. Sort of. It's all double talk with a man like this. It's alot of innuendo, laced with threats and promises. And when we stay with this kind of man, we start to do it too. This sounds so familiar to me. I supported a sad sack, deadbeat-dad, needed-bail-all-the-time loser like this for 4 years. Honey, I've heard it all.

"I told him I wasnt going to slip back into his same old trap and when he got out of jail I would take another look and decide if I wanted to try again." This sort of sounds like slipping back into the old trap. Does he have to prove himself to you when he gets out, and when he is unable to do that will he start lying again? To keep you and the roof over his head?

Because, if he has anything show up on a criminal background check, he probly won't be able to get much of a job. He will need the stability that your home and paycheck provide.

To this kind of man need translates to love.

"He got mad and said that I was telling him what to do did not ask him and that he would resent me later on if he had to get rid of all of his hobbies. " He has grown accustomed to controlling you with these charmer/abuser tactics. When he realised you do have the control, cause you got the money to pay for the shed his shit sits in, he just tried to manipulate you with fear of losing him. (Great loss!!)

""you are the one who is in control, if you dont want to pay the storage shed then dont, I guess I wont have anything left to come back to when I get out"." Tried to shift it to you and manipulate you into pitying him. Waa waa.

"I had also asked him to tell me how his life was growing up. What made him so angry. To which he responded "I cant even begin to tell you" and wanted to find the "right person" to tell it to."

He needs time to come up with an answer. Maybe ask the other guys that are there with him in the pokey. Why did you ask him this- are you done or not?

August 22, 2007
12:15 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Thanks Bevee for spelling it out....That's what I'm talking about. horsefly

August 22, 2007
1:01 pm
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Matteo
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bevdee ~ great analysis! You really know what (kind of person) you are talking about, don't you?

Destinystar ~ you don't owe him anything. He is a grown-up man and he is making his bed he sleeps in. Of course after he gets out he wants something much more comfortable and ready, but you don't have to provide it for him if you don't want to. The question though is if you don't want to. Surely you don't need him in your life, but you have to decide if you want him out of your life or not, because it seems to me like you are still hesitating?

August 22, 2007
2:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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Destiny -

During recent weeks, I have seen you post INCREDIBLY wise and encouraging advice to so many of us on these threads. Maybe now we can try to return the favor?

You do not sound as if you are really and truly done with this man. Divorce -- or no divorce -- you still have not closed the door on him. The contact and his resultant efforts to use and manipulate you continue. I think you are in the Valley of Decision here. Are you done with him...or not?

Do you want to give him more opportunities to use you, lie to you, abuse you and dump his responsibilities into your lap (such a the rental on his stupid storage unit)? Has he still got such a hold on you that you would part with YOUR hard-earned money to pay HIS bills, provide HIS UNGRATEFUL AND ARROGANT BUTT with a place to live when he is released? Is this what you are willing to settle for? A criminal? A con man? A liar? A user?

I urge you with all my heart to sever all contact with this parasite, obtain your final divorce decree and NEVER talk to him again. EVER. Change your phone number(s). Move, if necessary. Stay away from this man. He is toxic and will destroy you, if you allow him to.

He does not love you. He is USING you. He NEEDS you.

NEED is not LOVE. If he loved you, he would be willing to do ANYTHING to please you and keep your mind at ease. ANYTHING. And we certainly do not see any evidence of that quality of willingness in his communications with you. He is continuing to be selfish, bossy (which is amazing, since YOU are the one in control while he is locked up) and totally disdainful of your needs and preferences. It is still ALL ABOUT HIM.

I pray that you decide to end contact with him, rather than continuing to allow him to keep his foot in the doorway of your life.

- Ma Strong

August 22, 2007
2:39 pm
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bevdee
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Destiny,

I know from my experience - my X really stepped up his efforts at control when he was in jail. This was alot- either for non-payment of child support, or the old assault and battery charges/warrants that would pop up each time CSE would slam him in jail. Then there were the brawls with men. And the DWIs. My lord, he would call me collect all the frickin time. He would ask me what I was wearing to work! (scrubs, always scrubs!!) He would tell me to call his mother, his father, one or all of his 8 sisters. He started this at 8 in the morning and I worked 3-11 and usually slept late. He would call the next day to make sure I did as he told me to, and ask me what I was wearing to work.

I have seen my neighbor go through the same thing with her husband, now in prison. He writes to tell her what maintenence should be done on HIS car with her money. Before he was sent to prison, his calls were non-stop and the kicker is- SHE PAID FOR THE CALLS.

He's trying to control you, because his life is more out of control than it ever was. He can't control anything, manipulate those he needs to.

Why must we not have contact with a sociopath?

August 22, 2007
3:00 pm
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SadMike
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Destiny,

I agree with Ma because I'm one of men that's NOT like your soon-to-be-ex nor ever will be.

If he really loved you, even if he did all these horrible things, he would be so willing and commited to changing his life and trying to repair the damage done to you and not once, and I mean NOT ONCE, would he ever, ever turn this around on you and clain some ungrateful nonsense that it's your fault! And truth be told, if he really, really loved you, he would have changed his ways long before now!

For the woman I love, I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth if necessary! And that is not an empty promise either. I WILL DO anything that she needs from me to make her life easier! That in of itself is not codependent behavior but how you are willing to demonstrate your love.

True love is about respect, nuture and a willingness to give of yourself (read sacrifice) so that they might prosper. False love is empty and meaningless promises and idle words, disrespect and a lack of real concern for your plight in life.

True love is more than a feeling, more than a thought, more than a concept; true love is learning all about the one you proclaim you love so that you might, therefore, be there for them when the need arises; so that you might be the person to whom they can turn when the world outside is cruel and cold; so that you might "carry" them when they cannot do it themselves; so that you might know when it's time to be close and when it's time to be distant; so that you know when it's time to do whatever needs to be done and when it's not.

True love is not codependency but a mutual respect for each other's individuality and each other's longing and desire to not be alone in this life but that have bond that goes beyond a mere casual acquaintence.

True love is what we all desire and we all seem to find it hard to find. When one finds true love, one finds the one idea and quality in this life that is more precious than all the gold, silver and jewels we might attain - for with true love, we can move the seemingly unmovable mountains in our own lives, for we have that companion that will not intentionally hurt nor destroy us.

You need true love, Destiny, not the artificial kind that so permeates our culture and society!

We all deserve true love. I will not tell you to close this door, for only you can do that. I will say that this door is not a door of love, but something destructive. I can only tell you what I see. You and only you can follow through.

August 22, 2007
3:18 pm
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bevdee
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Destiny

He measures his control by getting that response from you.

August 22, 2007
3:19 pm
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Destinystar,
My heart goes out to you because I really do know where are in all this. I tried all the letters and the conversation desperately trying for my ex alcoholic/addict husband to see what he had done. I hate to say it but you will NOT get what you are looking for. The only thing that you will get is pulled in further to the maddness. My ex would know just what to say especially if he was back into a wall (i.e. jail). You KNOW that this man has treated you poorly and that you deserve better. Ma is correct, you need to decide if you are done. You might not be and that is okay because just like anything else, it takes what it takes to get to the end of it all. I took my ex back after he got out of a 6 week work release program. He swore it he was done and was going to make everything wonderful, blah, blah, BLAH! And guess what, two months later he was worse than ever and is not in jail. Divorce is just a piece of paper. You need to decide it you are emotionally done with trygin to change this man into something else. Getting to that point for me was unbelievable painful. I went through such grief and saddness I seriously thought I would be hospitialzed or would have to take a leave of absence from work. I just KNEW what he had done (stole money, items, lying, etc.) was a dealbreaker and was unacceptable. I still loved him but through many tears changed my phone numbers so he could not contact me. When he would end up in jail he would try calling me to give me some sob story. He still thought he could play me and maybe he could which is why I just changed the phone numbers. He is in jail for awhile and has written two letters I didn't respond to the first one which was filled with how sorry he was and how he had finally seen the light. It was believable but I threw it out. He tried again a few months later and just asked that I come visit him before he got sentenced but all I wrote was I was declining his invite. Believe me I cried hard with both letter but the the second was easier than the first. We have been divorced now for 5 months and I can't say that every single day but I have more peace in my life and I know I did what was right for me and probably for him but that isn't my problem. I didn't do all this alone. I got involved in therapy and in alanon and an alanon sponsor.

August 22, 2007
3:23 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Well SadMike, I cannot figure how you could be sad.....You understand the real concepts of love. I am impressed.... Of course we are all sad because it is few that feel the way we do......I just am hanging around a bit ....I always try to......I learn so much here.......I do wonder and cannot help thinking about Destiny here..............horsefly

August 22, 2007
3:25 pm
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Turnabout- I get nothing but a feeling of being annoyed out of it.

Horsefly- I am so selfless that when he complained about his storage shed what happened to my horse did not even enter my mind until my girlfriend pointed it out to me later on. HP!

Bevdee- Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I asked him about what happened because he mentioned once that he was beaten by a horsewhip over a period of time by an Uncle who said that children needed to be treated like animals and that his parents did nothing to stop the abuse. Says that it would cause an emotional breakdown to talk about it. I thought it would be better if he talked about his feelings instead of all this other stuff. He places a high value on trash picking and collected all the stuff put it in the yard. He loved to sort through it, recycle it, would get angry enough to kill someone if they came near it. Said he felt the same way about his junk as I did my kids and If he has to put up with my kids then I have to put up with his trash.You really got to the heart of this matter and cleared up the issues in my mind.

August 22, 2007
3:31 pm
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nappy
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Well for the few that I know that went to jail, they had a revolution.
They found god, they was going to change, they was going to get there life together.
Well that is just jail talk. They do this kind of talking to the ones that they know is weak. And to those they know will believe everything that they say while they are in jail.
For one, if I was you, I wouldn't except his call or letters. This would be a time for me to get myself together. He is in jail, so why worry about him and what he is doing or saying. He is not going anywhere.
It is you who have to start a new life and that would be exactly what I would be doing. Getting me a new life. You already know about this person. So why keep putting yourself through something that you already know. Maybe it is time for something new and stop holding on to the same old thing. You can still love this man, there is nothing wrong with that. But you should be loving yourself more then him. If you put up with him for more then a couple of years and it was the same thing, then just think by taking this man back you will be going right back into the same thing just a difference month and a difference year.
If you want to stop communicating with him, you is the only person that can do it.
Nappy!

August 22, 2007
3:44 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Destiny Horse , We are here for you.......even though cyberspace is wierd........it can work......it has for me.....I have thoughts here that I could not deal with in the real world.......If so , I would not have ever made it.....at all.....Not that I am over anything , I have a handle on it.......You are a very good and sincere person....I am giving you plenty of headway to figure it out at your time.......Lots of caring from me, horsefly

August 22, 2007
3:52 pm
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bevdee
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"I thought it would be better if he talked about his feelings instead of all this other stuff."

Destiny, here is a mistake that I made. When I opened that door, neither of us realised that I am not a therapist. He dumped it out there, and expected me to "fix" it, and to "understand" him. I tried!! He then used it to give every excuse for his bad behaviour from his poor childhood. Waa. I had a rotten one too, and I was held accountable for my actions as an adult. But I'm not a sociopath.

Just remember what he is trying to do, and why. Remember that sometimes no response is the best one. Sometimes no response puts all the great zingers in the dust.

(NO need to respond- if you don't feel like it. :O

August 22, 2007
3:54 pm
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Matteo- I gave the man the opportunity to speak his mind. I took 1 month to speak mine. Want to make sure no stones were left unturned.

Ma- Thank you so much for pointing out the things I could not see but do now thanks to u. Yes, I post what I can seems like my posts help everyone but me. I am legally disabled with a thought disorder. My thinking is concrete. I cannot read between the lines. I also cannot recall things. Like after a conversation that has any emotions involved. In other words I can read the stuff I write. Know how it relates to me but, cant apply
it. I am getting to the point where I realize that the situation with my husband and I is hopeless and impossible. I do see nothing but a sociopath. He wanted me to used his money to pay for the storage shed, but I just put it on his books and paid his collect call bill. He did offer to give me money for myself so I could pay for gas to see him.

bevdee- What type of job do you have are you a nurse? I am an RN but I havent worked in a few years because of my mental disability. I wish I could find a way to over come it. Sociopaths are always interested in how someone looks never how they feel. Please tell me what responce I gave him when he was measuring my control.

lettingo- I finally took a call so I could put 2 feet on the ground and ask him to do something for me (get rid of the storage shed). I was annoyed by his response (didnt want to do it). Then I let him know it was such a major issue that I was ready to end the marriage over it. He said he would give in (only cause he had no choice). Told me all needed to know. Now the path to ending it is clearer than ever

SadMike- That is true. I never thought of love that way. Probably why I never found it. How can I find something when I dont know what it is

August 22, 2007
3:57 pm
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bevdee- When he called yesterday he actually said "all you say is "uh huh, uh huh" you never say anything back when I talk your not like a counselor that always has something to say. I did not respond. You are soo right the best message to send him is none. That is why I am posting to find the strenth.

Horsefly- Thank you for caring. HP!

August 22, 2007
4:02 pm
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Horsefly- He got 365 days in the county jail on 7-6-07. Usually they stay at least 6 mos no more than 8. The soonest he could get out will be 1-8-08. I hope he gets more time for not turning in his registered guns.

August 22, 2007
4:06 pm
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Nappy- you are soo right there are no athiests in a fox hole. Yes I am weak for even listening to his BS. None of which was ever said to me in person. Yes, I need to let go and let him figure it out on his own. Me communicating him does nothing but tell him what he is doing is OK. I know the moment he steps foot out of those bars it will be business as usual. I know I need to work on my self. Thank you for reminding me. I need a lot of work too.

August 22, 2007
4:16 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I am your Horse Pal, I will always care about you....You have helped me more than you ever will Know...period...... I know we have to give up the things we love for the sake of having the things we need , But I think we will find the same things we love eventually, Take Care, hotsefly

August 22, 2007
4:27 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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OMG, Another miracle today....Destiny .....You mean he is still incarninated till "Next Year"????????????horses are happy. horsefly

August 22, 2007
4:50 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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August 22, 2007
4:57 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Dear Destinyhorse, I am still here and checking things out with you...Not sure yet on what to say, but I am aware here......Red Flag !! If they do not want you to say what is on ( your mind ) then they are only a piece of crap .......kinda what is drug out of the stall that has to be cleaned everyday......Love, horsefly

August 22, 2007
5:18 pm
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turnabout
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**He did offer to give me money for myself so I could pay for gas to see him.**

Wow. He's not going to offer ANYTHING unless he's getting something out of it. On the other hand, in all that you've done for him, how often have you offered him something that was for him alone and to no benefit for you?

Oh yeah.... how about paying for that storage shed? That's ONE!

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