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Help me save my relationship
August 14, 2000
5:43 pm
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freckles
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September 27, 2010
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A year ago I started dating a man who was recently divorced. I took things pretty slowly at first expecting that he would have to go thru some turmoil. He assured me that he came to terms with it many years before he actually had the guts to leave. He only stayed because they have an 8 year old son together. A year has passed and we have fallen deeply in love with each other. Unfortunately, I am currently living in a different city and we have been apart except for extremely long phone calls, e-mails, weekend visits etc. I was planning to move to the city where he lives. I have job opportunities lined up, told all my friends and family and have given notice at my job. We made this decision together but he is the one who initially suggested that we live together. He did not want me moving there and living on my own. He wanted us to live together. I went to visit him a couple of weeks ago for a long weekend. Everything was great. We had a blast together. A couple of days after I get home he tells me that he is not sure if he wants to live together. He is starting to enjoy living alone. He said he is going through a lot of confusion and wants more time to sort it out. He cries and he doesn't know why. I suggested he speak to a counsellor and he did. He said a lot of issues came out including some issues dealing with his ex. He has booked another session. In the last week he has stopped telling me that he loves me. He doesn't call as often. He refuses to discuss any of these issues with me because he said he is still confused by them himself and wants to be able to sort it out. I want to fight for this relationship. I am in love with this man. How do you do that when your partner doesn't let you in? Do I still plan a move? Friends tell me that I cannot work on a relationship while in a different city and that I should move and get my own place and work on making it work out. My friends say that maybe the distance has already made it more difficult.
Any advice anyone? It is absolutely tearing me apart. I can't eat, sleep or concentrate.

August 15, 2000
12:41 am
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nichimio
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I believe in fighting for what I want, if it is worth it. Yes go to the city, and start living there, give him space, give yourself time. You should show him you can give him space...while in the city. I,m sure that he will try to make contact when you arrive act as if you are not so needed for him, but for yourself, your self love and that you know you can be the best patner to anyone...you have to be brave! Dont sleep with him so soon, he will look into it. Take care of yourself and distract yourself...give the loving to the loving person you are...thats what I do...yes it hurts...they all come back...believe me, especially when you are taking care of yourself, because you will shine, happiness is not based on another person, or something out from you...it is self satisfaccion, and tranquility...a mind of convictions and hope...be courages, dont cry, be a worrier', show him hes missing it, your a happy lady! People love...happy people ,too much sadness in this world!

August 15, 2000
10:35 am
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Cici
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I agree, I think you should move to the city if you're sure this is what youwant. My Dad always said real love is the only thing worth fighting for.

But move into your own apartment, make your own friends. The owrst thing youcould do is tobe too clingy or needy or demanding. He has a lot of issues, and needs time to work them out. You may be surprised that it has taken this long to bubble up in him. Men are notoriously hard to work with for counselors. They aren't socially encouraged to share their feelings or validate any negative experiences. They tend to keep to themselves, especially when it comes to emotional issues.

In a way, jumping into a new relationship quickly could have served as his method for distraction. He definatley needs to work on his issues with his ex before youtow get really involved or she'll be the third partner in your relaitonship forever, and I know you don't want that.

August 15, 2000
12:44 pm
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Molly
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I feel different than the last two posts, this sounds to me like a rebound relationship. It sounds to me like if you do indeed love him,you will respect the space that he is requesting. You cannot force love. The true pain of divorce takes time, and just like many who were certain of the choice that they are making, it takes at least 2 years for the feelings to surface and be dealt with. I believe as do many who have gone through the divorce process that it takes time to rediscover your self, who you are with out the mate that you have chosen to leave. The guilt in breaking up a family, and loosing closeness with the children take time to set in, and cannot be felt, while in the lust phase of a new relationship. Again if you love him, you will be patient and wait. If he feels smothered, he will bolt. If you make him feel guilty about your relational needs, and he folds into you, he may regret it later. I am quite certain that the counselor is telling him, what is the rush? So, I would suggest that you put the move on hold, put the job prospects on hold and focus on you, make sure that you are a balanced person, and not with co-dependent issues??? I understand the pain and the fear of loss of this new love,and the prospects of a good mate, but I also have been on the other side with a man that committed to a relationship before his issues were known, and resolved. It is pure hell living through that, and I would not wish it on any one. We all know that if you deny one feeling you deny all feelings, you want a whole man committed to you fully. If he represses his confusion to satisfy your immediate needs, is that love? Why take the risk of unsetteling your security?Don't forget also, love is blind, are you seeing things clearly? This may also have to do with his child, it could be simply that he posed this situation to his son, who found objection ! That relationship is,or should be his priority. It may be that the ex has heard of his co-habitation plans and put her two cents in regarding the child. It could also be that he indeed does like his new independence. I have seen to many women destroy their spirit going into a loosing battle, and this does not sound like the mountain to die on today. Sorry for your pain, but the pain of giving up your home, job, and more emotional investment, as well as self esteem will be much worse. Good luck.

August 15, 2000
4:06 pm
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freckles
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Thank you to everyone for responding. I will now give you an update.

He has ended the relationship. I don't really have an answer as to why except that he is confused. It is killing me but I will respect his wishes. Now it's time for me to try to heal my own pain.

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