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Help me, pls. Not gone yet! He is moving THIS week. Really messed up....
October 16, 2005
4:42 am
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Lass
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I am so struggling behind feeling abandonment with ex bf moving away. Then, learned he did not move last week, as he had said at AA mtg. He is moving this week. I was so twisted when I thought he had left, just crying, sad, despondent. Now, it is almost worse, with the wanting to see him, to say goodbye, trying to understand what happened here this past year with him. I really fell backwards, being so vulnerable with losing my mom and all. So much loss all at once. What a turning point. I hope to make it through intact. Could sure use some help. He was looking for me, while making excuses, my friend said, two days ago. I have had limited, clean contact, but the whole thing is so overwhelming... crazy...out of all proportion to who he really was to me. I just gave my heart over to him! God! I am trying to place my reliance on my God. Not on him.

Lass

October 16, 2005
8:57 am
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hottamales
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Lass..

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom, that is too tough for words, I know.. drawing close to God is the best thing you can do- the Bible says if we draw near to Him, He will reciprocate that.. the second best thing to do is to find a support group for yourself, of people who are going to be there for you- and are not struggling like your ex-bf is right now. It seems that he is in a tough place right now too, and needs to change his life too. I can totally understand that your heart is aching to see him-- but following one's heart is not always wise- I did for over two years, and learned the worst about my ex-bf-- SO please stay strong in God right now, and let him go.. peace to you.. 🙂

~HT

October 16, 2005
4:16 pm
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Lass
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A book was recc'd to me once called Rejection Junkies. I need to go find it... it's probably still available at book stores. I just love the title. It says it all. It isn't like this guy is wanting me or anything, except for a brief time when he feels safe from my chasing and then he chases. But most of the time, it has been pure rejection ~for control and narcissistic supply purposes. Toying with me, gaming me, playing me.

I must stand, when I've done all I can do, to just stand.

Love, Lass

October 16, 2005
4:16 pm
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Lass
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A book was recc'd to me once called Rejection Junkies. I need to go find it... it's probably still available at book stores. I just love the title. It says it all. It isn't like this guy is wanting me or anything, except for a brief time when he feels safe from my chasing and then he chases. But most of the time, it has been pure rejection ~for control and narcissistic supply purposes. Toying with me, gaming me, playing me.

I must stand, when I've done all I can do, to just stand.

Love, Lass

October 16, 2005
4:17 pm
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Lass
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A book was recc'd to me once called Rejection Junkies. I need to go find it... it's probably still available at book stores. I just love the title. It says it all. It isn't like this guy is wanting me or anything, except for a brief time when he feels safe from my chasing and then he chases. But most of the time, it has been pure rejection ~for control and narcissistic supply purposes. Toying with me, gaming me, playing me.

I must stand, when I've done all I can do, to just stand.

Love, Lass

October 16, 2005
4:18 pm
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Lass
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Sorry, my computer choked.

October 16, 2005
4:37 pm
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Anonymous
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What can I tell you? Youre such an invincible woman to me! I put a song [I am woman] in a song thread and it reminds me of people like you.

Also I didn't follow your story...

((((((((((((Lass))))))))))))))

October 16, 2005
5:20 pm
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Shaney
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Look away from the bf and turn your eyes toward God. Ask Him to give you the heart and soul to get through the next few days. Let God be your strength. Remember WHY you're not with the bf... there is a myriad of reasons... remember them and don't dwell on the whys or what ifs. You've come a long way and for some reason (mom passing, especially) you're feeling down and vulnerable. It's natural, it really is. Please don't feel out of control or crazy... you're far from that. Will it make you feel better to say goodbye to him? Will it do damage, or will it tie up this loose end, or the feeling of closure that you may feel as though you'd be missing if you didn't? This feeling of loss is completely understandable, but let's work through this and perhaps we can get you through this feeling of anxiety and desparation...

October 16, 2005
7:03 pm
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Anonymous
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(((Lass))) Sending this specially 4U:)
Try memorizing it! It helps me a lot!

My life is just a weaving
Between my God and me
I do not choose the colors
He works steadily
Sometimes he weaves sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper
and I the underside
Not till the loom is silent
And shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as useful
In the skillful weaver’s hand
As are the gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned

October 16, 2005
9:48 pm
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Matteo
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(((((Lass)))))

October 16, 2005
10:28 pm
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human drama
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Lass,
Sorry to hear your first week became void. Now that you know he did not actually leave, yet.
Be strong - one week at a time.

You have inner strength that you haven't yet tapped.
Beleive in yourself - you can do this.

HD

October 16, 2005
11:59 pm
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hottamales
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sininho..

where's that from? it's cool

October 17, 2005
12:13 am
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Lass
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I saw ex bf at mtg today. We kind of spoke to one another during the meeting in the things we said. The topic was amazing, it was on self appreciation. A topic I have never heard before. I shared lots of the stuff we talk about in here, especially while looking at him for one moment, I said that I coerced other people into caring for me, when it was my job and God's.

He said that he was an asshole, that he was crazy, that he couldn't fix himself but he trusted God would, and thathe couldn't bear to say he had fucked things up again, that the feelings would overwhelm him, maybe make him drink, and that he had to tell himself that he was doing the best he could with what he had at the time. I think this is his amends, or as close as he can get.

I took it for what it was worth, definitely better than nothing. I sure don't wish for him to drink again, pray for him daily. We will say goodbye before he leaves, at his descretion, if he contacts me, or if we accidentaly meet. I cannot go looking for him like he has been with me. I don't know how to find him or when he goes anymore. I can't get sucked in. But if he wants to call and say a goodbye, I said go ahead.

Just being around him was so fine, it hurts to know he will be gone next week... I really loved him, ya know? And he lies, and covers up, and isn't there for me in a life emergency... I told him that was okay, that he never even called when my mom died. I told him that whatever you gotta do in the interest of your own self care is okay, and that I always have tried to see his motives as the best and not the worst.

I told him that it hurt me though that he hadn't even called me about it, or mentioned it.

He tracked me down.. this is one of my usual mtgs., not his anymore. My hope is not to get rehooked between now and then. And of course, I still remember his email address..shit.

No contact, with him gone --or thought he was--(who wrote that on the chalkboard that he was gone on the 10th but him?!!!!) was very hard. He would lie if confronted about it. Pointless.

I know now that I want a goodbye to finish this thing off. At least now I might get that. Depends on if he reaches out though. I'll do no more chasing. Please keep me in your prayers for a week or two on this topic. Thanks for the super advice.

Love, Lass

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