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Help Me Please X 5 the new beginnig
October 2, 2001
8:06 pm
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Molly
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Randy this is so unlike you, always you check in. Yes we are concearned evidenced by the following . don't leave us hanging, we are here for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 2, 2001
10:13 pm
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Alena
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Okay RanMan, where in the world are you?????????? Like, where's Waldo, Where's Randy?????
Omaha? Denver? Salt Lake City?????
Hmmmmmmmmmm I thought you posted before from elsewhere.......so where are you now? Wasn't it this week you were going out of town and she had the girls? So, we're thinking about you, and caring, please let us know what's up ......we're all just a keystroke away,....don't forget that.

October 3, 2001
2:06 pm
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gingerleigh
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I have a canister of wine corks now, I'm waiting...

October 3, 2001
2:53 pm
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Molly
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gosh, at least I thought you two had caught up for the cork toss, though he was supposed to be back on Sunday?
Hope she didn't clean house and take his computer with her?

October 3, 2001
6:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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I wouldn't do the cork toss without Molly and Alena *smile* Admission to the Annual GL Cork Toss is open to all, price is only a bottle of your favorite corked or capped beverage...

October 3, 2001
7:10 pm
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Alena
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Didn't he say this coming week(the one we're in) is the one in which she will have the kids and he will be traveling the globe?? Course, I could just go back and read it again....duh.

Randy, phone home.....

October 5, 2001
4:52 pm
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mari
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Hey Randy, I'm new to this thread because I just started reading it today. You have such a good head on your shoulders. In my line of work, I rarely see parents who are so concerned about and mindful of their childrens' feelings. Most parents I have contact with are like your wacko soon-to-be ex-wife (good riddance). I really hope all is well with you. It sounds like everyone is a little worried that you haven't checked in yet. Busy with work or travelling? Even if you don't have a lot of time, maybe just jump in to say "hi".

October 7, 2001
11:53 am
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ranmar
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Oh my gosh, I can't believe I left everyone of my "family" here hanging. I'm so sorry. Things for me are progressing as they should. This is the first week we are doing the joint custody thing, so I spent the entire week out traveling. I was in Denver, Omaha and Salt Lake City, and was able to do some business, while wacko had the kids. On Friday, after finishing the week up flying and working my butt off, I met up with my friend who is a rep also, and his wife, and they took me up to the mountains, to a local cabin. We saw deer, moose, and just rode their atv's all over the mountains. This was a first for me, since I am definately a city boy. I had a blast. Today, I'm flying home. I'm currently sitting at the Phoenix airport, awaiting my connection. Today, I go back to the house, and have the girls for the first time, for the whole week. I'm actually looking so much forward to the responsibility of having them for my own, this whole week. I just need to make sure I get their schedules down okay, with dance, softball, religious school and all. I have the luxury of arranging my work schedule to accomodate theirs, so I'm in pretty good shape. Then, next Sunday, when it's wacko's turn, I'm off to North Carolina for nine days, for a trade show. I have myself scheduled to travel almost every week I don't have the girls, through Thanksgiving, so I'm okay with that. My next trip after I get back from North Carolina and the trade show, will be two weeks later, when I don't have the girls again. I'll go to Las Vegas, come back for Halloween to take my youngest out, then fly out that Thursday for Albuquerque, and probably stay until Saturday, going up to Santa Fe. I'm going to try and incorporate a little site seeing when I'm on my travels and don't have the girls. Two weeks after that, I'm off to the Pacific Northwest, the week of the 12th of Nov. and then two weeks after that, I'll schedule myself to go back to Denver, Omaha and Salt Lake City. Thanksgiving will be with my girls at my parents house. I want to keep up this hectic schedule for a while, so I'm totally immersed in work when not with my girls, and not just sitting in an apartment thinking about things. Wacko and I got into last week while I was in Omaha. Found out she had been telling a mutual friend all about our terms of our agreement being negotiated through mediation, and told her to stop it, since her soon to be ex and I are still friends and talk. He hears about what we are doing through his ex, and she tells him they should be doing what we are doing, which gets him pissed off. When I told wacko to stop telling his ex about what we are doing, she ofcourse, said I was belittling her again, and that she "isn't going to allow me to hurt her anymore." I told her to grow up and stop blaming everyone else for what she has done. She hung up, and then called back saying she didn't want to talk to me except for things related to the kids, and we should only communicate via email. I said great, that's what I asked her to do before, not talk to me unless it had to do with the kids.
She said we were just starting to get a long (I still don't know what that means) and then I belittled her once again. What an idiotic cop out. I realize now she has been projecting her own traits on me, that which she accuses me of doing, belittling. She belttled me by acting the way she did, not being honest, disrespectful, decietful and manipulative. I would throw this back at her, but why waste the time or energy. I'm just going to try and settle into a single dad's role for now, and keep myself totally busy in business. I really am not in any frame of mind to start the social thing again, at least not for now. I am so sorry I wasn't able to get back to all of you. I really miss reading all of your postings, support and friendship. I vow to try to keep up the communications. Again, it just amazes me the support I have recvd. from this site and all of you. I truly wish to pop a cork off of a really good wine, and share it with all of you......thank you all.......Randy

October 7, 2001
12:47 pm
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Molly
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Just glad to hear your ok, great that you got to have some fun.

October 9, 2001
12:11 am
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ranmar1
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Well, today was the first full day of my having my girls. I really enjoyed it. I got them off to school, ran a car pool for the youngest, went grocery shopping, mail, bank, errands and then my phone calling for work. I made them a pasta dinner that they really enjoyed, and we all just sort of had a relaxing day. Last night, was the first night wacko supposedly was to go to the apartment. At around 9, my older daughter calls me into her room and says to look at her computer screen. It was an Instant Message from wacko's so called "just male friend" Earl's daughter, instant messaging my daughter, saying, " Hey, guess who my dad is out with tonight? Your mom." My oldest daughter asked what that was all about, and I said she should ask her mom. I left her room after asking if she was okay, and she grabbed another phone, went back into her room and started making phone calls.....I didn't push it, just figured she would really start putting things together about her lovely mother. As for me, I'm starting to realize that I need to put my ego aside, let her (wacko) do her own thing, and not let it effect me anymore. I need to now focus on a getting a routine together and watching out for my daughters, while setting up to be a good role model for them. I know my oldest is angry and possibly in denial about her own mother, but that's okay for now. When my finances level out, in about another month or two, I'm going to get them into counselling. Wacko has no clue what she is doing to her own kids. I'm moving so far away from her mentally, but now, it's the kids I am concerned about. Wacko is only looking out for herself. I realized, or just noticed, everything these kids have been eating has been frozen crap, easily heated up. I made a vow to myself to only make them real food, no more processed frozen garbage. They use to buy their lunches at school everyday, now I make their lunches the night before. I know it's going to take some time to really get a routine down, and realize this is long term, but that's okay, I've had plenty of practice with all the times wacko took off anyways.........Hope all is well with everyone. Thanks for your concern while I was travelling.......
Randy

October 9, 2001
12:33 am
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gypsygirl
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What I would give for my son to have a father like you.

October 9, 2001
6:09 am
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laalaa
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Hi Randy,
I have 2 agree with Gypsygirl, So often we hear about fathers that do not give a flying **** about their children, its very touching to read about your love for your daughters, I have to say you remind me of my dad and I love him to the moon and back.I bet your girl's feel the same way about you.You really are making the best you can out of a horrible situation.You keep going and one day all the sacrifices will be worth it, after all "As you sow so shall you reap" and if anyone is deserving of it it is you.x x

October 9, 2001
10:54 am
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ranmar1
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Hey, thank you both. I am really enjoying the "job" of taking care of them when I have them. I made them pancakes for breakfast this morning, which they totally enjoyed, and then got them to their carpools. I'm just getting ready to head out the door myself. If I could be home with them full time, I probably would. But, unfortunately, I am the sole bread winner, and have to pay their mother her support payments too, while she decided she isn't going to work for another year, until she is through going to junior college part time. It really isn't my business how she survives, after all, at $4000 per month, I'm sure she could do okay. But the way she spends, and her lifestyle, it's going to be tough. However, I'm sure (and I will bet the house on this one) she will hook up with her "just male friend" within the next three to six months, if they haven't already. Then he can be the supporting one, with all the mental baggage she is carrying with. I am just working on getting myself together, and trying to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment. I know after 20 years, it's hard and still too new. The hardest part is when I don't have the girls and it's their wacko mother's turn. The only thing I can do is show them a difference. Thanks again for your kind words and support.
Randy

October 9, 2001
5:17 pm
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Molly
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Try the cooking channel, and don't forget to include them in some of your projects, cook things that Wako didn't and if all she did was frozen crap, there is no challenge, take them to restaurents and say hey we can make this, and then have the project of the week. it is going to be sad, as the victims, EARL and family need some place to dump their pain, and it can go one way or another, keep a close eye on that, doesn't sound like they have much of a support system, like your girls do, and their thinking will be distorted by the agenda of the male friend and wako. Kida ain't stupid. Wako will be ok for a while she stockpiled before she left, all she must do is stay in school and out of bed, or make sure that if she is in bed, its going to pay better than you do. She is going to melt down its just a matter of time, you have your parents, the temple, your friends, and your children and business, that is one hell of alot of focus, if Earl gets wind of something newer, she is up s*** creek with out a paddle, its when her girls rock the boat that she will really get the final reality kick. Keep a close eye on the girls, and you might buy them one of those cute little journals to write in , a venting place. ugh, and don't over do the disney dad bit, I so hate that.
But do have fun, Mr. Mom 🙂

October 9, 2001
6:07 pm
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janes
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And HEY....an occasional just "heated up" meal with the right people is as good as "homemade".

Lots of folks who are doing the totally natural or homemade dinners are as dysfuncitional or more so than the "we order out every night" crowd.

Bottom line.....it's not the food you eat...it's the words you say and the way you "ARE" that's real.

Just be REAL Randy.

As an educator I have seen plenty of "natural" people" who are truly screwed up.

Love your girls, forget the "ex" and BE HAPPY

October 9, 2001
9:14 pm
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Molly
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Hey Janes, where ya been ? Was thinking bout you the other day, hands full with mom, and back to school stuff. You doing ok?

October 9, 2001
10:36 pm
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Alena
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Good for you Randy, I'm glad to hear you had some fun with your country friends. My husband is a city slicker too, pretty funny in the great outdoors. His idea of roughing it is a Holiday Inn without a pool. 🙂

I agree with letting the girls help out in the house too. They need to feel a part of it all, needed, able to take care of themselves someday. Not crippled from this mom and dad thing. Counseling is an excellent idea, I think you have a good plan there, take good care, keep in touch, have fun with the girls.

October 10, 2001
12:54 am
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ranmar1
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Today was interesting. I took my youngest to her dance lesson, and the office manager came over and asked if everything is okay. I said why, what do you know, and she responded that there has been a lot of rumors going around about wacko and Earl. I told her they were all true. She almost fainted. Then she tells me this guy Earl, sleeps around and is a womanizer who nobody can stand. His ex wife talks to the office manager and tells her how controlling and demanding he was, and she couldn't handle it. Then the office manager says, he use to come and sit and talk to her, but she couldn't stand him and would get up to leave. He always bragged about his money and how wonderful he is, but most people, according to her, despise the bastard. She gives wacko 3-6 months before it all blows up......Now, here is another one. Wacko's counselor calls today, asking if I can get some furniture she saw at wholesale. I said yes, and we started talking. She volunteered that Earl use to date an aquaintance of hers, that lasted for three months. He was such an ASSH)*&Le
control freak, she broke it off. I asked her why she never let on with wacko or me, and she said she couldn't. But now that wacko is done with counseling, she was able to let me in on it. Wacko still doesn't know. This all happened today. I couldn't make this up because it's too bizarre to do so. I'm just sitting here in amazement as to what is happening. My only wish is to keep her crap and her sickness far away from me and my girls. Tomorrow night is chuck steak, potatoes and onions in a crock pot. I'll take them out Friday night for a treat. You are right, I need to get them more involved in helping out around the house though. This will come in time. I think things are going quite well for now. Tonight was my oldest daughter's back to school night, so wacko was there. I must have said three words to her the whole evening. We went from room to room, and I just got up and walked on my own away from her. When it was over, I turned to her, asked if there was anything that needed to be discussed, she said she didn't think so, and I said, "Great, see ya" and left. She tried to be her usual phoney bubbly self. I just ignored her. What a sicko.........
I hope everyone is having a good week. I think I am.........Randy

October 10, 2001
12:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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Ah Randy, you are going to be just fine, and you know it. Wacko Woman will not, and you know that too. If she is a good person deep deep down, the impending pain that she is about to go through is going to bring her front and center to face the pain and suffering she has inflicted on those who loved her and treated her right. And she will be forced to recover from that for the rest of her life. That will be her cross to bear.

You've suffered enough Randy, you are about to come into your own again. Peace and best wishes to you and your lovely daughters this evening.

Cheers,
GL

October 10, 2001
1:02 pm
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Molly
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Sounds like a great dinner, and as your discovering, all that we have said about this relationship is comming true. But the time has come to disconnect further from her drama, or you may get suckered in when the walls implode on her.
I am surprised that your counselor was able to share information even though wako is done, hmmmmm wonder if I could pipe in to Sybils psyche, he isn't a client any more, hmmmmmmm.
Just time to move on for you though, it will get better for you, and the girls. Start your holiday planning, you can make gift baskets all hand made stuff, get your mom involved too , grandma's recipes.

October 10, 2001
1:17 pm
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Ladeska
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It's amazing, isn't it - how nasty the webwork is when you are involved with someone like this. Their sickness is just so vile and pervasive. But getting away from it is hard - and you have to allow yourself time to heal from all the crap. I commend you, Randy. Quite the amazing journey...(smile) She's a real spider in every sense of the word and willing to suck the life out of anyone who will let her. Glad to see that you are going with your life and taking care of your kids.

You have to remember that with your oldest - she will identify more with her mother as far as her own identity as a woman is concerned. Regardless of whether it's healthy or not - that's what we do as daughters. Right now - that's all fuzzy with her and she's having her own problems untangling herself. It's hard to stop holding onto what you wanted to see in a mother because to be without it - you have nothing, or so you think.

Building her own self esteem will help that. Mom has strings around her heart and as she plummets - she pulls her in after her. So shower her with - I'm interested in - what you're interested in. Make her feel unique, special - even if she needs to rage - Rage on and do it in your own style!...just as long as you're responsible with your rage.

She has anger and it needs to have a voice. I tell people alot of times to collect bottles and then go to a place where you have a rock wall, where you can sweep up afterwards....but to wear goggles and then take a bottle - give it a name of someone or something that's happened and then give it everything you've got when you bust it against the wall. You are soooo sore afterwards, but it's soo good for you. I always say to give it a gutoral primal yell when you do it, too - which people have a hard time doing. But, you really need to do the yell with the throwing....

I do it first and show them how it's done and they get these big eyes like....okayyyy....you're scaring me now....that was really angry and really powerful.... I just laugh and say - I know how to do it because I give myself permission to do it and have done it alot. More room out than in when it comes to toxic stuff.

So, do it yourself and/or ask her to come along sometime - even if the things she names has something to do with you....that's okay and she needs to know - it's okay.

Keep up the good work - my hat is off to you. Surviving a Spider Queen - is quite the feat - in and of itself.

October 10, 2001
5:56 pm
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ranmar1
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Wow, it really means a lot to come here and see your responses. I,unfortunately, wasted a lot of energy today, thinking about all the foul crap she spewed on me for the last year and a half, and how she used my kids to cover for her actions. I truly hope the implosion happens soon,since I am impatient in wanting to see her hit between the eyes with reality and the pain she has inflicted. She now deserves the same pain she has inflicted.....I just don't want to waste the energy anymore re-hashing over and over, the events. I don't know how to back off of it yet...........
Randy

October 10, 2001
7:20 pm
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Molly
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Redecorating is good, spend time doing things for your home, your environment, ditch the traces of emptiness that she left, remove what traces of her that are left, but be busy, this is a bad time to be idle, it allows to much of what you have done today. Be careful of wishing for that implosion, the pain of her shoulda woulda coulda will be there, and she will come running to you. She is going to hurt beyond your imagination, the universe works that way, so don't waste your time or energy. Be positively productive.

October 10, 2001
8:20 pm
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Alena
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Randy, the implosion you are waiting for, and it's inevitable pain, will not bring you what you are looking for. You've been hurt, humiliated, you feel as though you cannot trust anymore, your world that you lived for all these years took a turn that you tried so hard to stop. And yes, you want her to hurt too, but it's not going to stop your pain and disillusion. As a matter of fact, if you expect some sort of relief from knowledge of her pain, you will be sorely disappointed, and likely will hurt again. I've been there, done that. It's a very, very, very short-lived satisfaction. The satisfaction is gone and you're still stuck with healing. My advice to you is to just try so very hard to seperate yourself from her highs and lows. Do not be influenced by either. You still have such open wounds, you're still very vulnerable. Are you still seeing a counselor? It's very important that you try to keep yours and your daughter's lives as balanced as possible, on an even keel, ya know?

As we've all attested to, she will someday feel the ramifications of her actions, but that wont change a whole lot of what has already happened. Your life will definitely get a whole lot better. I think it's a fact that the man goes on very well, financially, socially. You will be fine.

And see how crummy you felt today just from the conversation about Earl?
The less you know about her and her life the better. You'll just continue think about it all, stew over it, and what good does it do you? None. Do yourself a favor and stop these people dead in their tracks before they go off with all their little conversations that leave you wrecked.

October 11, 2001
10:21 am
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ranmar1
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I know you guys are right. It is a waste of energy. It's just so new right now. Taking care of my girls this week is not that difficult. Maybe it's because I've been doing some of this for the last year and a half, since she was playing her little games taking off and so forth. This Sunday, I'm off to North Carolina for a trade show, for nine days, so that ought to keep me occuppied the whole time. I've just finished making my travel schedule up, and I'm going to be gone every other week, the weeks I don't have my girls, through the first week of December. Thanksgiving will be at my parents with my girls. Wacko doesn't have them that week. We had an agreement that the other parent, not having the girls that week, can call first, and then come over to take them out whenever. She has only come by on Tuesday, after picking the little one up from girl scouts. What a wonderful mother.
Randy

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