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Help Me Please x 4 Randy
August 27, 2001
12:28 pm
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ranmar1
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I hope this makes it easier for a while. The last thread was getting too long. It's amazing when I read through that one, what has changed in such a short time.
Randy

August 27, 2001
4:45 pm
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Ranmar,

Thanks for being concerned. I'm doing ok. I got my hand slapped at work for being on the internet so I had to cool it for awhile. But my boss is gone this pm so here I am. I am still with him. He swears up and down they are just friends. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. We had a great weekend together, so I hope things will go OK. Sounds like you're doing OK, but why the sharing of the two places? Why can't she have her apartment and you have the house? I guess I don't understand that. It's going to be harder on you to do that won't it? Is it because the school district is different or what? It sounds like you're still kind of hanging on.

August 27, 2001
5:34 pm
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Molly
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ahh, ahh, you know the rents in ugh Santa Ana, Tustin, even Irvine, are lots cheaper, and ugh hey she could get a room mate. That is what all the other broke single women have to do, and heck, since she and good ole earl are so close, can't he chip in???
I sure hope the car is paid off, and don't forget, for some reason, when you get divorced the rates go up.

If she was really smart, she would stay right where she is at, I know that would drive you nuts, but think about it from a caniving, spelling, position. Save the 4k per month, go to school, could still be there, yea right for the kids, and the only thing she wouldn't have is the freedom to conjagate, opps did I use that word, with oh yea he is just a friend Earl. If she was smart, can't make her move can you??????
Just showing how brilliant she is, her dream isn't working. Now, is she going to be able to force you into half the equity in the house, on top of half your retirement, and alimony for how many years, and please don't tell me she is going to get child support, my ex had written that he would buy their clothes, so that I couldn't use the k-mart vs nordstrom thing,for extra money, but it didn't work, see if she gets half the equity, and 4k a month then she can have her cake and eat it too, and the equity thing can get really sticky.

August 27, 2001
9:57 pm
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Hey, Listen, go to Help Me Please x3- Randy , and you'll see what we are all talking about. This is a continuation of that thread. Molly and Mel2, the arrangement we are discussing is 4K per month, which includes spousal and child support. We would alternate weeks between the apartment, so the kids don't have to move, at least for the short time. This way they stay in their own schools, and no moving on their part yet. I have positioned myself where I am going to be representing a larger area for my lines I represent, now to include Los Angeles, Denver, Salt Lake City and Omaha, on top of my existing Pacific Northwest and arizona. This will allow me to travel the weeks I don't have the kids. She, on the other hand, will be stuck in the apartment, with only her friends to play with. I'm really looking forward to moving ahead. I don't think she would compromise herself to "put up" with her life as it is today\, because she has made too much noise about it, and now can't turn back. I also don't want to compromise anymore. This separation is needed by me now. I can't predict down the road, but I do know what I want now, and that is for her to have to experience the real world, with responsibilities, etc.. I want to experience getting my life back, values, standards and morals, while being with my kids. Mel2, be careful not to get hooked into a false sense of security. When the chips are down, sometimes we will "perform" until the heat is down. Be careful.......Best to all......Randy

August 29, 2001
3:16 pm
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Cici
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Heya Randy,

I caught that question on another thread. The book, "Escape from Intimacy" is about the pseudo relationships we can construct to deceive ourselves into believing an unhealthy, addiction-based relationship (codependency) is really a fulfilling one. An eye opener.

The author is Anne Wilson Schaef. Go forth, and read!

August 29, 2001
9:24 pm
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ranmar1
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Cici,
Thanks.....All is quiet here. I'm going to a meeting to learn about
Transcedental Meditation, a form of relaxation. God, I hope I don't have to shave my head and have a poneytail. Wacko woman has her head in a cloud, trying to figure things out. I sort of just sit back and let her struggle with the whole thing. I've already set in my mind the detachment, which I've already begun to do. I go out to meetings or with friends, and just tell her I'm going out with "friends". Sort of a role reversal. The difference is I make sure the kids are taken care of first. I'm actually looking forward to the "challenge" if that's what it is, of not having her around all the time. I'm going to be kept pretty busy with my work and travel for the first year, only during the alternative weeks I don't have the kids, on purpose. Everything is in place for me with that. I've had friends calling me up inviting me to visit them for a weekend, in Dallas, San Francisco, Denver, it's great. I just can't believe how your friends, including the ones here, come out in support and wanting to help. I never realized how fortunate I am. This whole thing could truly be a blessing in disguise for me. I'm feeling pretty good lately. I'm looking out for me and my kids right now, and planning accordingly. Hope everyone else is doing okay. My first support group meeting takes place next Tuesday, I'm anxious for that one...Take care for now...........
Randy

August 31, 2001
3:04 am
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ranmar1
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Hey everyone, the fun just keeps on coming. Tell me if you think wacko woman is truly off the deep end now.
Today, while I was reading the paper, she comes in and says she wants to tell me something, but she wants me to digest it for a day and then respond. She tells me then, that she found a job. She has an opportunity to do child care for ...............
Earl's daughter (her so called just male friend). Since he travels, and is losing his live in, she offered a suggestion that she lives in for the week that I have our kids, and takes care of his kid for pay. I almost laughed myself right out the door. She said she can't find a job, and that this would be perfect pay and arrangement. When she was done, I asked her if she wanted me to wait or respond, and she said to respond. I asked her if she was freakin nuts? I told her to go ahead and do what's best for her, but to remember all actions have consequences. She said she was concerned how others would look at it, since she was just friends and I thought that she was having an affair. I told her, people who know us already have their ideas of what she was really doing, and not to be so concerned about her image any more or what others would think. Then I left. About ten minutes later, I called her and asked if she was serious about the job offer, and asked whose idea it was. She said it was hers. I then told her that for now on, don't ask me anything unless it has to do with our kids, that I don't want her asking for my opinion anymore or feedback. Then I asked if this was a job where she would live in his house for the periods and she said yes. Then she asked if I would interpret it as Cohabitation, since this would cause her spousal support to end, and I said absolutely, 100%. I told her that I'm sure her "best friend" wouldn't let her fail or fall back though, and that he would be willing to take care of her. Then I asked her if the whole purpose of this discussion was to see if I would petition the court to cease spousal support and she said yes. I told her she now has her answer, make up her own mind. She hung up after that. Is she flipping out even more than I thought possilbe? I truly can't wait until she is out of her physically. She makes me want to puke, with her stupidity............Try to stop laughing at this one, and give me some feedback. I swear, I am not making this crap up. It is totally unbelievable to me.........Randy

August 31, 2001
7:46 pm
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Molly
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you know I was laughing my self right off the chair, until you answered her question, and that is why we have lawyers, you just cost your self your privacy, and spousal support.SLAP!!! I so, expected more from you Randy, the least you could have done was post it on here, for our side line commentary.
I bet your still standing there with your jaw dropped, and drewl running down the shirt.
I want the truth now, did she hit her head in a car accident? Lack of oxygen in a drowning almost incident?
Drug abuse? Let her and good ole Earl come up with another plan, he is working it, and bet you a bottle of wine,he was going to pay her less than the live in, he had.

August 31, 2001
11:55 pm
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Alena
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All this conversation you guys have just boggles my mind. Two people waiting to get on with their lives and end this chapter, so much of this frustration of yours and this anger, you would be able to be working through it already if it wasn't for still living with the soon to be ex.
What's with all this conversation???? You were right with one thing, quit letting her talk to you so much. "on her own" means just that....no more Randy to run things by....grand attempt on her part though, what a scam.

September 1, 2001
2:34 pm
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ranmar1
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Molly,
She did admit to using "controlled substances" when she was younger. Maybe this is the results. After I had my "conversation" with her, I thought about it. I should have not commented at all, just let her do her thing, and then lay down the cohabitation clause, ending the spousal support. You're right, I blew that one. I guess I just reacted at the moment. Her deadline is October 1, to be out of the house. I am so looking forward to it you just don't know it. We took the girls to a small circus here last night, and then out to dinner, with wacko mom. At the restaurant, the girls went to the restroom, leaving wacko and I at the table by ourselves. I didn't say one word to her for almost four minutes, until the girls returned. There is nothing to talk about, other than the care of my kids with this person.
She is so convinced in her stupid little world that there is nothing wrong with what she is doing or how she is behaving. I guess the difference between wacko and I are becoming greater and greater. Maybe it's because I'm seeing more of her for what she really is. I remember suggesting psychiatry to her about five months ago, and she responeded no way, that I would use it against her in a court of law. Now, I'm convinced she is a real candidate for psychiatric help. But, according to her, she is okay, just bored. Well, she is in for some real excitement now. I, on the other hand, have my life set up for the next two months at least. I'll just take it as it comes.........Randy

September 1, 2001
3:41 pm
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Molly
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Randy, for the most part, your life is set. You are in the position to maintain the lifestyle that you have, and continue with the stability that you have, and provide for the girls, the only factor that is changing is wako getting out, and writing her a check every month. Sure the emotional stuff, but nothing like what she is going to experience.

I don't know if she is "sick" in a psych term. Sure she is blind, but I think its just that she has an agenda, and you have an agenda, and your both pulling in opposite directions, that she looks nuts and desperate, to maintain her agenda.
Did that make sense?
Addictive, alcoholic,or other basically dependent behavior, including men, at an early age, prevents some of the growth process into maturing, and making the right decisions, sometimes. She is seeking the same thing most teenagers do, independence, teenagers look crazy right?
We all look so together some times, its hard to tell the keepers from the inmates! I wouldn't waste my time going into if she is nuts or not, duh, giving up what she has, and destroying a family certainly sounds and looks nuts, but its her choice, and there is nothing left to do, but focus on you, which you are doing pretty well at, good job at dinner, its just so hard to always remember that oh, we are not family any more and that she is the enemy. So, guard your battle secerets, just like she has been doing.

September 1, 2001
5:20 pm
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ranmar1
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Molly,
Thank you for the vote of confidence. Coming from you really means a lot to me. I guess it will all come more into focus once she is out. You are right though, she is acting out like a teenager, with whims and infatuations, not just with Earl, which she continues to deny, but with what she thinks her life is going to turn out to be. But again, I am learning to detach more and more from her, and focus more on myself and my girls. Today, I went out looking at houses, just to get an idea where I would want to live once the house is sold next June. I loved an area in Dana Point, right next to where we are now. I guess I'm finding more things to look forward to now. This, I feel, is a positive move. Whatever the future holds in store, I am ready to accept and deal with it.....Thank you again.........Randy

September 2, 2001
5:08 pm
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ranmar1
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Just enjoying the day with my youngest one. The older daughter went to the mall with a girlfriend. Wacko went over to some girlfriends house supposedly. Who cares...I now tell her not to even bother telling me where she is off to, unless it affects the kids....Space Cadet in action............Randy

September 3, 2001
1:15 pm
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Molly
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This should be an interesting month, only so many days for the desperate behavior, then reality hits. Be on guard.

September 3, 2001
7:51 pm
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ranmar1
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Molly,
You are right. I am getting more excited and anticipating the October 1 date. I don't know what the hell she is doing, and neither does she (so what's new). I am travelling the first week of October to Denver, Omaha and Salt Lake City on business. I will stay one extra day, coming back on Sunday morning, so I can visit a fellow rep/friend of mine in Salt Lake City. This will be her first week of having custody, so I want to keep myself busy. Then we alternate weeks. I have myself scheduled to go to North Carolina the 15th of October for a trade show, again for the week, which is when she is to have custody again. Then, two weeks after that, I'll schedule a trip to go to Albuquerque and Arizona on business, maybe staying an extra day in Santa Fe on a Saturday. This again is the weeek she will have the custody. That should take me right into November. By then, I'll go back up to the Pacific Northwest for my normal trip, maybe staying one extra day to visit another rep/friend of mine. Next week I'm up there too. As you can see, I've got myself scheduled out purposely for the times I don't physically have the kids. This way, she is on her own (with help from her "just male friend" if she uses him). I'm going to try and keep myself on this sort of "working my ass off" syndrome for the next nine months, until June, when we either sell the house, or I buy her out. By then, I will know where all this crap should be going, most likely converting the Legal Separation to a Divorce, and being the one to initiate it 100%. I'm going to continue to be totally focused on my kids and myself. I will be calling them every night I'm not with them, which I do now anyways. I hope I maintain this feeling and attitude about wacko woman, and continue to build my life back up to where it should be, leaving her in the wreckage of her own being.
Have a great Labor Day........
Randy

September 4, 2001
8:15 pm
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I've been offline for a few days... and look what I miss!!!

She honestly thought that you would be cool and happy with her shacking up with her buddy and continue to pay her? I continue to shake my head in disbelief, and add to the wager another bottle of Washington Wine to the California varietal that Molly just ponied up.

September 4, 2001
8:30 pm
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ranmar1
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1997 was a good vintage year. I just smile and laugh to myself now when she speaks. I think she is so off the wall it is actually humorous at times. Tonight is my first support group meeting. I got a call from a good customer of mine, wanting me to meet someone, but I told them I prefer not to for now. I don't think I'm at a point where I am ready for that yet. Gingerleigh, so long as I can smile at her actions and thinking (I guess that's what you call it), I know I can continue to distance myself from her stupidity, and no more compromising. Will the light ever go on for this person? We should all make a wager, and agree to meet here on a specific date. I would be willing to bet a good bottle of Cabernet, and would be willing to payoff all takers.
Randy

September 4, 2001
11:55 pm
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whatever44
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I'm voting for when the bank of Randy cuts her off.

September 6, 2001
1:25 am
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ranmar1
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I'm contemplating just handing her half the support payment (2K on Sept.25th, and saying its' now official, we are separated, and giving her the other installment on the 5th of October. Then I can tell her to give me the joint visa back, and send out the rest of my letters to all the credit reporting agencies informing that I am no longer responsible for her new debts. I want to blindside her on this date, so she doesn't have a chance to string this out any longer. At the same time, the Bank of Randy will be closed down, and she will have to face reality or run to Earl at this time. What do you think? A bottle of Cabernet is riding on this one.........Randy

September 6, 2001
1:01 pm
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Molly
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So, like why does she still have the joint Visa, one hour Randy, and I could eat up that 4k. She should have it broken down in two payments other wise she will have more month at the end of her money, and will have to beg bank of Randy for food, and milk money for the kids.
I agree that you should not venture out into the land of the free and single. the truth is it takes 2 years down to the second to get over the stuff. Not to mention your girls, not a good time to introduce them to all your honeys. Don't need to go into hiding though, stick your toe into the water while out of town, hmmmmmmm some analgy huh????
Hey Ginger, I bet you could get a dinner out of this guy in November.

Wako's lightbulb isn't going to go on for a while, I give her the same two years. Or when Earl gets a younger baby sitter.

September 6, 2001
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Update on my situation, the light does go on sometimes with wacky people. Mates children are both in therapy, youngest son is lost, and oldest son's marriage is falling apart, and out of all of this, some of the things I have suggested in the past were, ugh ugh ugh RIGHT.

Things are going smooth, to smooth, still feel like the rug could get pulled out any second, but I guess that is life. Our week at the beach was better than I could have imagined, not one disagreement, far less fight. past suggestions, were like relevations to him, as the right thing to do, now I have to see if any of them are implemented.
I am off to Santa Barbara where I will be working with oldest daughter, who has once again done the ahhhhhh haaaaaa thing that mom isn't as crazy as she thought she was, and back on the throne, whilst dad's new girl friend is off the throne. She has poor parenting skills, hehe, spoken from the mouths of babes. so, I hear there is a great party in S. B. this Sunday, at $60 per head. I get in free. he he. So, there is light in the tunnel, hang in there.

September 6, 2001
5:59 pm
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Ann30
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I think your wacko woman needs a dose of reality! $4,000 a month?? Wow...I wouldn't even have to work if I got that much from my ex...I work 40 hrs a week with 4 kids to support & get less than half that much a month. It sounds like she has no self satisfaction, money is her everything...so sad! She needs to see what the real world is like!

September 7, 2001
12:24 am
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ranmar1
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Believe me, I'm in no position to even want to start a relationship with anyone. Yes, 4K is a lot, but it's all relative to my earnings. Luckily, this year has been real low, so her payoff is lower than it could have been (lucky me).Tomorrow is another round of mediation at $300 per hour. Why do I feel like I'm screwed monetarily everytime it involves the wacko woman? I guess this is the price I have to pay to get her away from me. Money well spent I guess. I look at her and it gets me sick. I say one syllable words to her now, yes, no, maybe. That is the extent of my conversation with her. She is sooooooo sickening.
Anyways, we'll see if we can start putting some closure on this whole thing, get her out and get on with life. This way, she can do whatever she and her "just male friend" have had planned out, and I don't have to give a rat's a#$% what she does anymore, because she is not my problem or responsibility anymore....hooraaaaayyyyyyyyy. I think I'm actually going to open a bottle of great Cab to celebrate once it's final. I can't legally cut her off financially yet, including the Visa, until it is final. Then, adios freeloader. Time to soak Earl......
Randy

September 7, 2001
3:15 pm
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janes
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Randy...do you have someone lined up to watch the kids when you are out of town and she "just can't make it" this week!" ?????

Your plans sound great and you sound like you are holding up very well now.

But in reading the last few weeks of posts it hit me that this is the area she can REALLY screw you....you have to be out of town...HAVE to be...and she has other things to do.....

September 7, 2001
6:34 pm
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I am fortunate enough to be able to adjust my work schedule for when I need to go and when not to. Right now I don't have anyone lined up. If I can get this thing finalized, and know my exact obligations, then I will entertain the idea of finding someone to come in as a part time live in, or something along those lines. I will fill you in on the mediation process today. It went fairly well. We finalized the division of accounts, cars, the sale or buying her out of the house next June. Next is the finalization of spousal and child support amounts, which, even though she thinks she is not getting enough, appears to be heading for the 4K per month figure. I'll write more later. Off to take my younger one to softball practice. Mom had an appt.? so she is not here. Yeah, right.
Randy

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