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Help Me Please x 3
May 28, 2001
1:30 pm
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ranmar1
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Molly,
I wasn't sure what you meant about her possible doing something stupid? In what regards? I on the other hand continue to hold on to what little there is here with her. We are still friendly, I still give hugs and sneak a peck here and there. Why is it that I can't just shut down my feelings for her? Why am I having such a hard time accepting the fact that she feels she "is finished" and is just afraid to act out. One of her girlfriends has been staying in her marriage because she can't afford to go. She has a 12yr.old daugher, a 16yr.old son and a son in college. They have come to an agreement that they will stay together for the sake of the kids, agree to have separate independent lives, and once in a while come together (sexually). When the kids are out of school, they will eventually deal with themselves. They have been together since High School, she is 40. Is this an option to consider in my situation too? I think I would go along with this arrangement if it means keeping my daughters and the family intact, without her and I yelling, screaming or cheating. Is this an option for me in your opinion? I so admire your opinion, and pray you become stronger and more confident in your situation as well.

May 28, 2001
5:34 pm
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Molly
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I was thinking last night, with respect to my internal question regarding marriage. It seems that you and I expect companionship with our life mates. Our very best friends, some one that we can run to with our success and failures, as well as the one to plan dreams with and make them come true, not to mention the sexual side of things, including romance. Common interests, built in golf or tennis partner, some one who will walk the dog with you, or the built in movie date. It doesn't seem to much to ask, and to me part of the whole picture.
Yet, when was marriage ever really that way? If the wife stayed home she had the house, the children, and social responsibilities, in the community, and for the husband. You had romantic sex in the beginnig to procreate. So then what ? Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be? Seperate yet together. If you are settled in your neighbor hood, and both agreed to things up to this point, and you don't need to work out retirement, or second house issues, and your done bearing children, then what is really different about your situation? Men and women are different sexually, if that is your obstical. But it sounds like everything is the same just not with the passion that it started out with, and she told you, now you know, and its a let down.
But isn't it possible that it could just be a part of the reality of marriage, that adjustment period of the second half, that just going through the motion period, where you both have less demand with the girls, and the opportunity to explore things that work and household responsibilities got in the way of? The traditions that you and your wife have established will bring you closer , the graduations, and college entrance of the girls, marriages and grandchildren, soon to fill up more of the space in time, then what you and your wife will share is the glow of endurance, history, loyalty.
I can see it working for you, even if she does take off and go to Florida, or Mexico, or where ever, as long as the marriage remains in tack. As far as I can tell it still is, and even though the truth has been told it is still I truly believe a far better situation, than trying to start it all over again, with someone different and discovering in another 15 years, that it is the same, but with all the heart ache, and baggage of this failed marriage, which hasn't failed yet.
The stupidity I fear, is that she will commit adultry. The power play could come from her abuse of finances, and your reaction, unless she has her own. I imagine, that if you could forget the entire upset of the last few months, not give any signifigance, not look for failure, or be watching her every move, and only live in the moment, what is really different, than a few words stated that may not hold the same meaning that she intended at that moment. Not even going into the discussion that has no more power than that of someone discussing the nature of being, and celebrate that which you both have right now. Focus on the what is and the power of continuing the love that you do share, and only progressing in that direction. You have your home, your family, and your wife, your social status, and just what is really different???????? She cut you and you have bled, you seem to have stopped the bleeding, and the wound is healing, there is no need to stroke the scar and remember the pain of the cut.

Thank you for your prayers for stregnth and confidence, but what I need is clarity, and direction. I am trying to figure out if I really have a marriage.
My husband I get thinks this is a dictatorship, and I think I have just gotten that. That his sons come before me, and that I am supposed to be happy with what he provides for us, with out question, complaint, or discussion, or input unless requested. If I am uncomfortable with our financial situation, I am to create my own security, I am to create my own entertainment, but to just be there and love him when he is available. I am to accept what we have with out wanting more, I am not to have expectations, I am to be complete with this. There is no discussion of the future, after all he is busy surviving. I did ask what his plans were for our marriage, our future, and that was his response, survival. In a confrontational way, I stated when was the last time we went to lunch? to dinner? to the movies? When has he ever come by my office? Why can't we plan a budget, why can't we plan a vacation? The excuses, or the blatent what is your point, sometimes leaves me wondering If I have the right to have one. But then I slap my self and say this is not right, its a controll thing, a situation that I never agreed to except through silence and the lack of energy to fight anymore, or his dishonesty. I was told that all I do is complain, asking for togetherness on a budget for finances, sure its my agenda, to get a different home, I never agreed to this one, to go on a vacation, to save for a retirement, but WE can't do that for some reason. Its me I hear, I am impossible to talk to, I guess my opinions get in the way. 🙂

May 29, 2001
5:30 pm
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ranmar1
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Why are you not entitled to the security you seek and the positioning of being #1 in his list? Why do you feel you are to blame for expecting more? Why do we beat ourselves up so much? Are we overly sensitive? Do we expect the same from others as we do from ourselves? Maybe our values and priorities have changed (or stayed the same and theirs has changed). Or maybe we wore blinders in the beginning and this is the way it always has been. I just don't get it. My wife tells me this morning, after I asked her what she is so mad about or resentful about (even though I'm the one that is because of her actions) and she says she isn't. That she is okay, it's just that she is "done" in our relationship. She says she's been told it's not realistic to expect the fantasy of a relationship to be there, but that is what she is looking for, someone to make the plans, worship her, and make her #1. I thought I already did this. I think she is not rational now, and that this whole thing was predetermined, as I mentioned months ago. I asked her if she was so "done" why hasn't she done something about it, and her response was that she was afraid, and doesn't know if she is leaving something on the table. You are right, maybe this is what life is suppose to be once we have had our kids, and they are getting older. I don't have a problem with that, and sharing the experiences of their growing up. She, on the other hand, wants to revert backwards. I feel that maybe she is becoming more immature, not wanting to grow up. Her dress (remember, my 14 yr.old says things about how embarrassed she is at times)her fake boobs, the hairdye, the "look at me" appearances. After hearing her tell me she wants the fantasy, my stomach dropped. I asked her why she doesn't even want to try, and she says she already did that, I just didn't pick up on the signals. Give me feedback Molly, I'm really starting to feel this might be coming to an end............

May 29, 2001
8:40 pm
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Molly
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Fake boobs, was this recent? It all cries identity crisis, mid life, what is this all about sorta stuff. certainly after reading my situation, duh, she has it all.
I do have the right to all that I want, I guess just not with my mate. So many things have come to me in neon this last few weeks, I knew just as you do, that the truth would surface. I say back off, and let her do as much as you can tolorate, its cheaper than a divorce, you can still bond with the girls, interact with your parents, and make sure that she knows that if freedom is what she wants, that is all she is leaving with.

May 30, 2001
8:54 am
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Alena
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Ranmar, I've been reading you and Molly, just keeping my thoughts to myself. My opinions are so different from the two of you. If I could go back to the time in my marriage when I was married as long as you have been, I would be looking and talking for an amicable way out and getting one. I mean, I don't know how else to think about your marriage. She GIVES so little to your relationship and in all this time, she gives no hint of giving more. I'm sorry to say, but there really is a time when you say I've tried all that I can and this is as good as it's going to get. Do I want it? Will I settle for it? And if I do settle for it, I better resign myself to the fact that I will never be "happily" married, just married. Both of you will be settling and she will be actively unsettled, looking for something to fulfill her life. As she is now.

My parents stayed together for the kids, or so I always heard. You know how that made me feel? Like they were giving up their lives for me and my siblings. You know what that taught me? To give up my life for my kids. If I've learned anything in my life I've found that people need to put themselves somewhere close to the top of their priorities or everything and everyone else in their lives suffers for it. You may have all these noble reasons for staying, but aren't they just excuses for staying because you don't want to get out...really? Yeah, it's a hassle getting a divorce. Yes, it's miserable dealing with the yours mine and ours, but how's your current situation working for you? If you move on with a new life, you MOVE ON> ....if you stay where you are, you are stagnant. You being the man, are in the driver's seat when it comes to making your own future work for you. She will be in a jam. Period.But, I don't think any of that is on your mind. I think you love her and your girls and you want it to be good, like you thought it was for all those years. But wanting doesn't make it so.

I am settling. I've been married for a lonnnnng 26 years and we have good and bad times. I know my husband would never walk out on me. He doesn't know I am settling. I love him but I'm not happy. I try to make the best of it because leaving now would be so scary and I've been trained to put everyone else ahead of myself. I can't judge your wife's feelings. You can't make yourself feel something that isn't there. No matter how wonderful you are Ranmar, she has her own reasons for feeling what she feels and although we don't like her actions, you just can't make her FEEL differently. She has to weavew her way through this all on her own. When you say she is "done", I know that feeling. Done with what? Pretending? Trying? Kidding herself?

I think you're a pretty nice guy and giving it all you have, I just don't think she wants to play the game anymore. Do you get any positive feelings from her? Anything to make you think she loves you? Isn't that important to you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love you just so your kids can see mommy and daddy living under the same roof(sometimes) but not liking each other? Are you showing them what they can and should expect in their adult lives?

May 30, 2001
10:46 am
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ranmar1
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Alena and Molly,
Wow, what a contrast in feedback, I love it. It really gives me a great perspective from different angles. Alena, you are so right on with her not wanting to give any positive feedback whatsoever. Even to this day, I attempt to hold her in bed in the mornings, and I still get told that she needs her space, and that it makes her uncomfortable. Am I just a glutton for punishment or what? I have made an appt. with my accountant to review my financial situation, and see if it is feasible to buy her out of the house. I am contemplating putting a proposal together and giving it to her, because I think either she is bluffing and really not sure what she wants, or she truly is scared to make any kind of move, and is just going to sit on the fence. I don't know how much more rejection, loneliness and wounding I can handle. I'm really trying to maintain a hopeful perspective, but I'm the only one working on us. She really hasn't shown any attempt at all, since this whole counseling process started in January. I look back and keep asking her what I did wrong to her, and her response is I did nothing wrong, she just "wants the fantasy back." I can't live in this kind of world. My world is one of comfort (not settling) security and love, while wanting to provide and interact. I guess I'm just unusual in wanting that. You both are tremendous friends.
Thank you........
P.S. Molly, the fake boobs came as soon as she turned 40, last year. Since then her dress and mannerism is one of "hey, look at me, I want to be noticed, with loud colors, tighter sweaters/ blouses, etc..This is what my 14 yr. old gets upset over, her mother not "acting like a mother, not acting her age."

May 30, 2001
11:55 am
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gingerleigh
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Ranmar, I've gotta admit, when I read Alena's post I kept saying "Yes, yep, right on girl, you said it..."

Your wife is demonstrating that she clearly does NOT want to be married. And that's a really crappy place for you to be where you want to be married and you are constantly rejected by the one you love.

You can't change the way you feel, and you can't change the way someone else feels. It's completely a futile effort.

What about separation? In my mind, based on what you've written, I've given up on her, but it sounds like you haven't. Separation would give her that final chance to get her act together, or not. And if she chooses not to get her act together, the separation period would have given you some time to heal in a less intense and violent manner than complete and total divorce.

Just a thought.

Sorry to sound harsh about her, but it really frosts my cookies to watch her throw her life away and abuse a tender-hearted person. Grrr....

May 30, 2001
12:30 pm
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Molly
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Well Alena, I am ready to hook up with ranmar, and they say that internet relationships are better, because you clearly get to know the person before you meet. However that would go against the advice I give most of the people who are breaking up, but then I feel like I have been alone, so does gray area count?

I realized when I returned that I would comprimise some especially after the first, so I lied. I thought I would give it time to see the changes, and work through our adjustments. I met with my friend, who started as my counselor 10 years ago, and has been with me through this marriage. I gave her the whats up, and we both agreed this is not a marriage, and unless I am willing to roll over, accept the dictatorship, be grateful for the opportunity to cook clean, and just be here, then if I don't get my act together, my spirit will die, my daughters will continue to drift, and life will pass me by. The physical manifastations of depression will give way to cancer, and then I'm a gonner anyhow. My anger and resentment is growing, my tonality is sarcastic, my suspicions mounting by the minuet. I don't know if I have been in denial, or if he just put on a good show, and quit, or if the stress of his employment delimma has triggered something,but there again are so many things which in this moment that are my reality, which all of a sudden are simply not acceptable. I am not just looking at our immediate relationship, but his character and actions, in public, which now have me feeling so very vulnerable. I have always stated that if you stand close to some one who stepped in dog do, its hard to tell who in the circle smells. I don't know if he did, but something stinks, and I don't want the stink to stick on me. To be honest right now I don't know if anything does stink, or it always stank,or if I am right on.
I saw the editorial this morning regarding the book Surrender to the marriage, what a crock. I guess if you have a marriage that it makes more sense, duh, there is no 24 hour passion, there is no constant party of life, there are good times and bad times, and with the words languaged at the time of the committment, perhaps if honored it could be ok to surrender.
I have suggested to ranmar that he try, you can only go so far, and we have identified clearly for her and for him what the reality of the consequences may be. He must be the one who ultimately makes the choice, on which road to endour,and heck he leaves the ingrate, he could find a wonderful woman like me!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know I am 47 years old, a jack of all trades and master of well, not a real master of much. I have $1000. in the bank, hopefully by Friday $1700 comming in, and when it does the cash cow willstop producing,so much for saving off the grocery money. I have a car lease of $350. and a dog that I love dearly, but I am ready to leave. My fear of continuing life as it is , is far more frightining than the struggle ahead. I fear the financial struggle especially with what is going on in California today, and right now I have my needs met very well, but I ask my self for how long. I questioned security and again was told that he can't provide it, and I must create it for my self. this house is not in our name,but his brother in law, I am not on his bank accounts, he is self employed, and can juggle what he wants where he wants. He has been on a credit charging spree, that concearns me, he has no time for budgets, or consideration of retirement. My fear is that one day he will pack his suitcase and disappear, it sure looks like a set up for a quick escape doesn't it? So, see my situation may be a little more signifigant than yours, but life is to short to settle, and if you are as depressed as you sound with your situation, feel the fear and do it any way, why die miserable, when you can at least give it your best shot, at the worst it is a different misery, and who knows get out of the pitts, and you might find a cherry. I just don't want to spend my life waiting and wondering the what next,besides now he wants to get a satalite dish, so we have more channels, that is not what I want, out of my life. So even if we end up in a small house, with a semi decent car serving coffee to nice people, we took the reigns of our life, and got out. I guess you are teaching your children what your parents taught you,and that was one of the reasons I left their father. Then I went from bad to worse and tried to hold on, then the reconcilliation, to be my word, to demonstrate that we can have marriage today, only to discover, that I made the committment undefined by the person I made the committment to,so what have I learned, I was my word, and he is a liar, and to coin his phrase, so what is my point? So, again I find my self on the edge, of not here, but not there, and can't last long, I don't hide my feelings or thoughts well. I don't know where to go, but my first instinct is to go back up north. I could go to Long Beach, but I so want out of So Cal. I need to get a job, ugh ugh,and can work part time in the real estate, duh, working my butt of is not how I pictured my self at this point in my life, but dying in front of the tv is not what I planned either.

May 30, 2001
12:54 pm
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Alena
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Molly, the picture you paint of your life right now is not a pretty one.
Yes, it sounds like you need to do something now. All this financial stuff he is maneuvering sounds as though it could be a disaster for you.
He will drag you with him if you're connected when the big wham comes.
What the heck has happened to him so suddenly? You guys have discussed your wants and needs? To no avail?
I think you do need to put your foot down about your today and your tomorrow and how are you guys working together to make life good for both of you. If he is not agreeable or apathetic, then yes, that kind of says it all doesn't it?

Ranmar, I am sorry for your broken heart. Good, loyal, "wanna be married" people seem to be so few and far between. And I wish she would just realize what she has and love you for it. Maybe she will someday. But, in the meantime, too much is at stake here. Your life, for one. One can only take so much abuse and rejection and then it's real hard to be kind and loving.

May 30, 2001
2:01 pm
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Depressed Again
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Hi Molly,

Remember me? I'm the one that was in your same situation about 5 months ago. All the self-doubting and constant turmoil !!!! Believe me Molly it's not worth it. I can honestly say that especially if your health starts to deteriorate as mine did. You will only take so much before you act one way or the other. Living in limbo is hell! As I have said before I am very happy with my new life. I am closer to all of my family now. There is so much confusion in your mind right now - just try and remember your words of advice to me. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this pain your having. Someone as nice as you are deserves a better life. 2 good months and then 3 bad months, etc. doesn't cut it. It's really plain and simple. Plan for it and make your move - that is if your situation doesn't get any better and you don't see anything in your future from where your sitting now.

I will pray for you to find your answer soon.

May 30, 2001
2:49 pm
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Ladeska
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Hey Miss Molly....just been reading your heart notes as they lay splattered all over the floor here...makes me sad for you...therefore....

I'm here to help you problem solve and that means.....let's lay out three solutions on the table and I need for you to pick one and execute it. If it doesn't work, come back to the drawing board and pick another one. No more spinning, no more I coulda, woulda, shoulda and only If. Dumb country songs sung by drunk sappy people.

Okay, girlfriend - the wallpaper is staring at you, glaring rather...this ain't workin'. So........whatcha gonna do about it?

I'll give you the first solution and you just chime in where you feel so inspired and sketch out the other two.

Solution No. 1 - Investigate a place you really would like to live in. See if it's affordable, do your homework. Check out housing. Lay ground work for you calling up and saying - I wanna rent. Get your resume together, hook up with a local employment agency in that area, get them to looking for you. You'll get a job, no doubt about that. I know you've got the qualifications for alot of things. So, you get it and then you pack up your car, get a place that allows a dog and move your butt. He can come see you and you can come see him and still be the "old friends" that you are.

Okay, your turn...

May 30, 2001
9:42 pm
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ranmar1
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Molly,
Are situations are pretty similar, you have a husband that has set you up to fail with him, and he is taking you down with him. My wife doesn't want to grow up and face reality, and is taking me down emotionally to a place I never thought I would experience. I think that once I meet with my accountant next week, I'll have some more confidence to make some kind of decision. The wife tells me she wants us to go to the harbor or beach this weekend so we can talk. I'm sure she is going to lay some more crap like, she wants to move on, but make her life as comfortable as possible. Why can't I build up enough "huevos" to get so pissed at her, that I move from being so upset and sad, to one of angry and wanting her to get out. You have followed my threads, and know that her joy in life is to go out drinking with her girlfriends, golf, shop and eat out with the girlfriends while going to Saddleback Jr. college, trying to figure out what to major in. She just doesn't know this is all going to come crashing down. How do I gain the confidence in myself that I cannot be responsible for her self destruction, and not feel the pain I feel for her. I watch her "pose" in public with her appearance and it sickens me. This is the mother of my children, the role model? Where is the wife that wants to stay home with the kids (as she asked to do originally since we could afford it)and be there for them when they got home from school? Where is the wife that appreciates all the love, emotion, affection, and connection I feel? Where is the wife who gets turned on by having the husband look forward to coming home and being with her and the kids.Maybe being single is where I belong. Maybe what I want really doesn't exist. Maybe I'm the one living the fantasy. Anyone know anybody that wants to share what I want to share? Being 47 is not exactly a great time to try and start all over. But, you and I know that somewhere deep inside ourselves, we have to fight for self perservation. Otherwise, we will roll over and die.

May 30, 2001
10:32 pm
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Alena
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Ranmar, I know this hot 47 year old chick who is a real estate agent/counselor/super nice person and may be available soon with a whole lot of love and good qualities to share........

But seriously, it hurts like hell to be disillusioned and disappointed in the one person you thought you had some unbreakable connection with, I know. The reason you can't find the
courage to face up to her is because YOU still hold on to something you are trying desperately not to lose. She, on the other hand, isn't. In her mind, she's thinking she may have something wonderful waiting out there for her and if you make the move to confront her, oh well, nothing lost. You know what I mean? And look at 47 this way...there are alot of women out there in the same situation as you. Just read the threads. You can only control your own self Ranmar, not her, not even if you love her to death. She may miss you when/if you are out of her life and sorely regret her behavior. Reading your posts from when you began, it's like watching a slow death. Has her woman counselor helped her come to grips with real life at all lately?

May 31, 2001
12:03 pm
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Molly
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Ladeska,
Plan one is all ready in process, I have kept my contacts on the Central Coast, and have in the works a potential interview, checked out rents, and have a contact that might be able to pull strings, my broker in Cayucos, I am sure would take me in a heart beat, soooooooo the only thing now I need to get is some more capitol. That is what I did back in 98 and it worked, and doing it again, however the first time I did it, I knew no one. I at first questioned my thought process of returning, especially since I did a return to this, and the job I had when I left, both I said I'll never go back. I asked my self about this backtrack record I have, and then just thought the job was there and I needed to do something, and had to be complete about the relationship. Now going back to SLO county, it felt good, I do know people, but there are draw backs there as well, but I have justified it in the fact that being alone is ok, being lonly is not, and isolation plain out sucks. Its a rough economy up there, but I think I fit with the surroundings, and the personality of the people. Out of curiosity, what would plan B be. I know I have sounded like the drunk moaning in her beer, but I really do have my head on. The limbo period is over, the reality in neon, and am being forced to get off my ass. I see the plan unfolding just as you have outlined. Its just so hard to be in two places at the same time, and to keep my mouth shut. The dance started last night, the pocket tricks were out, I had two choices, make a tidal wave, or smile. I choose the smile, like the question, oh baby what can I do for you that I am not doing, what do you need with the kisses on the back of the neck, I said I'll give you a list tommorow. If I had even gone in the other direction, the fireworks would have been exhausting, and point less. I so hate being phoney, so hate in some ways being dishonest, so hate the damn game of survival. But girl must do what she got to do. Thanks for your effort, and do need support.

Ranmar,
I own that I guess I have been transfering my past experience on to your situation, I know what the end result can and could have been. You both have it all right now, the American Dream, down to the Country Club etc... and she has some bee up her ass, and can't see the forest through the trees. We all must learn our lessons for some damn reason the hard way, she lacks self worth, she lacks that thing that we get when we follow through on goal oriented behavior, she doesn't feel like she has much of an identity as a wife and mother, it just doesn't compare to the power that women first experience as a teen when they get that first charge of electricity when some one noticed their boobs. Its an artificial power, that fades quickly and she better be able to keep up the cost, hair, microdermabrasion,the gym,the nails,and the social circle, or have a solid bank account, or employment, because it all changes so fast. There is a 23 year old male in our office, and he stated women have it made, if they are good looking they can get what ever they want, I said yea, but what about when they get older, he said then they get alimony, unless they signed a prenup. I said yea, but what if daddy warbucks quit working or spent, or hid the money, he looked at me and said then they are screwed. From the mouths of babes. Your wife, should she continue, will be ripe for the charmer manipulator, and then will get it. You sir, must follow your instincts, protect your heart, protect your ass-etts, protect your children, and hold on to your sanity.
Think about all that you have written and said, tell me this doesn't exactly sound like a spoiled teenager, with no responsibilities, no expectations from her, and she is sucking daddy dry. We all need boundries and responsibilities, we all need some sort of accountability. Where is hers????????? My guy is just an alien, who when we worked together said he worked alone because he never wanted a partner, and that is the way he works his marriages, might work for business, but not in relationships. He will get it when I am gone, because he sure can't talk about it, far less work it. His loss.

May 31, 2001
2:37 pm
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Alena
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Wow Molly, you have been a busy little chick. No grass growing under your feet. You sound like a woman on a mission and I'm sure that's how you feel. It's what Clinton was so good at doing.."compartmentalizing". Lots of times it's the only way to deal with a broken heart, or at the very least a disillusioned heart. I do it alot. Something comes up and bites me in the ass and then I cry over it and fret and then I put it away in some dark corner and will not allow myself to think about it. You do deserve everything that you are trying so hard to achieve Molly. I'm really proud of you for getting off the fence. I think the actual fence is stuck up my butt. I've been there so long I'm pretty stuck.
Is there a possibility of him doing a complete 360 when he finally gets the point? Is he going to promise, beg, change his ways?

May 31, 2001
7:29 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Alena,
Sure, he will, just like the ever so slight pull back I am doing now. We read each other some what like a book, time does it. I had mr. wonderful in my presence last night, and I wanted to gag. It just seems so phoney and contrived. No matter how old they get I think sometimes its like the teenage boy stating sure I can get her to go out with me, I bet I can even get her to do it. I am just so sick and tired of the games, the boredom, the lonliness, the isolation. I also know and he admitted upon my return to here, that he loves the drama vs routine, like things go well, and he creates this drama. Well those buttons don't get pushed as easily any more energy conservation, so then he will take it to the next level. I know my instincts are usually right on, he is smarter in the department of evil than I, but history has educated me. I see how he is set up so that he can take flight and run at a moments notice, and has taken steps to ascertain that I can't hide money, but still provide for me, and give me an apparent freedom. Ahh, the American Express card, is what I got vs a family budget, tricky eh? He knows what he has lied about and how he tricked me thus the guilt trips once and a while. Yet there is some comfort, like the fence up the ass. Its been there so long why move, make the most of it. I must own that I get comfortable, and perhaps that is the lesson that I have had to learn, don't. I get into the beaten old nag routine for a while, then my psyche says what the hell is wrong with you woman, why do you settle. You sound like your stuck on broken old nag, sorry Alena. It is going to be hard, damn hard, but if I am going to live, and there have been times I have thought exploring the other side, so i can give Tez the heads up, would be better. But the known is always better than the unknown, and I would rather deal with working at Denny's right now, than the other side, it could be fun. But then again I am looking for fun, where ever. You can do the same thing as me, you first get off the butt, with fence or not, and go to the gym, then you save money, then you start the dream, ah the possibilities, hell even a weekend somewhere is something to look foreward to !! Where are you any how??????

May 31, 2001
10:22 pm
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Alena
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Molly, where am I?? You mean physically?? I'm on a fence in Ohio.
Stuck. Everytime I start to climb down one side or the other I find reasons to climb back up again.

June 1, 2001
12:10 pm
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ranmar1
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Hey guys, I'm going to start a new thread, Help Me Please x 4...this way you dont' have to go through all the previous ones. See you there. Please follow along.

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