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Help me, i need someone to talk to
October 29, 2001
3:05 pm
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alcaustin
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hello everyone, i am new to this site, i am a 20 year old male from ohio. on sept 4th of 2001 my gf and me broke up..we would of had our 1.5 year anniversary on sept 21st..we didnt' break up mad at each other..things just were not the same.. here is a problem..i have not got over her yet.. AT ALL..i didn't always show my love for her the way i wanted to because i was scared, she was only my second gf..my first one lasted 8 months. that one was easy to get over with..this girl her name is andrea..i have not stopped thinking about her..i wake up and think about her..i get free time i think about her...before i go to bed i think about her..i realized now (since our breakup) how much she meant to me..i could honestly say that i would die for this girl and i could honestly say that i want to marry her...since our break up i have gone through major depression and everything..at one point i lost about 15 lbs...and i was lacking sleep..i finally got straigtend up but then when i would talk to her i always said something to mess things up.... suicide has crossed my mind a few times... everday my love for her grows stronger and stronger..and i can no longer deal with it.. what should i do?? i want her back.. i need her because i love her...and can honestly say that i want to marry her.. please someone help me.. email me at [email protected] if u want to

October 29, 2001
3:11 pm
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alcaustin
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is it love or infatuation when you wake up and think of that special someone? is it love or infatuation when you get free time and think of that special someone? is it love or infatuation when before you go to bed you lay there and think about what that person is doing and how they are doing? I know i am only 20 years old but i have never felt this way for anything. Why do i feel this way now?
I have tried writing.. i have probably wrote over 30+ pages since sept 4th.. these pages have my true feelings on them. I have wrote about my life.. what i have done so far and where i want to be.. i have tried to get new hobbies.. i have tried to do things with my friends.. but everytime i do something with them i begin to cry.. i have never cried more in my life then i have cried since sept 4th.. since then i have changed alot.. i am more able to express myself freely.. before i would never show people how i felt about somethign because i was always scared.. scared of getting hurt.. now that i am already hurt i don't think it matters... i have had a new look on life.. i wish i could turn back the hands of time and show andrea how much that she meant to me before it was 2 late.. even though i didn't always show it, she made me proud, she made me smile even when we got into fights.. her voice..her presence made me happy.. why can't i seem to get her back? all i want is to be with the one person i love, and i love this girl more than i love myself.. i would do anything for her to this day even though we are not together.. of course we have talked to each other since then but it doesn't help any.. i want to be with her because i love her

October 29, 2001
4:54 pm
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alcaustin
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well i can't copy and paste the things because they are handwritten...
here are the dynamics.... we were together all the time..every chance we had we were together.. occasionally we would argue or fight.. like normal people.. just a thing that happens... we would make up and everything would be fine..
i got a new job that made it hard to see each other all the time... and one day we got into a fight over something stupid (can't even remember what it was)... all of her friends were telling her LIES..telling her to take a break from me.. telling her this and telling her that.. so we both agreed on taking a break.. however this one (guy friend of hers, since like 6th grade) took advantage of it.. allof a sudden he would show up to her house and tell her ( out of no where) that he loved her..and that she is beautiful and all this stuff that girls love to hear you know.. i wrote her a long email and told her how i felt and we ended our break period short.. she told me what was going on lately.. and that she was really confused.. so we were together a few more days and she wnated to take a break again.. still this guy would come over and tell her things that i wasn't saying at the time cause we were taking a break from each other ( i think he is the reason for some of this, he has broken up quite a few relationship) but i never got mad becaue i am not going to stop her from seeing her friends, her mom even said that that guy shows up just out of now where and that andrea is really confused right now.. she had alot going on at the time with her senior year of school.. cheerleading.. her friends telling her things.. so we talked a few more times and then she told me one day that we were done.. and that she was sorry.. she was not mad at me..just that she could not take it anymore.. and she said she loves me still but is really confused with what she wants to do.. so i cried alot and keep on writing.. i would constantly call her and end up making things worse.. it was just that i loved her and didn't want to break up.. she kept telling me that she loves me and stuff.. so time went on i left her alone for a while.. and one day she called me up at midnite and we talked for 4 hours.. she said she saw me at the fair and she misses me and she really loves me.. and we talk good because we hadn't talked in about 1 week. and then we try to arrange a day where we can get back together but something always comesup.. her friends made HUGE LIES about me.. and since she was confused she didn't know what to think or who to believe..
it seems like everyweek this happened. a few days before we were going to get together it happened..
about 2 weeks ago i was talkn to her and stopped by her house and sat there and we talked for bout 2 hours..
as we were talkn to each other she aid that she REALLY REALLY misses me and really really loves me and feels dumb for breakn up with me.. we end up locking eyes and draw into a HUGE KISS!! like for a few minutes..really passionate kiss..like i never had before..it was awesome.. we both said WOW..and ended the nite with a few more kisses..
the next day i stop by to talk bout the ntie before and more happened..
the kisses went a little farther then just kissing.. it just happened. we both loved everyminute of it and we do not regret it.. so we were going to take a walk in a few days but i went to pick her up and that one guy (who has been out of the picture for a few weeks, shows back up) since me and her are talkn again.. she didn't know what to say so she asked me if i would leave.. which i did.. as we talk again i let some things slip which upset her and she told me not to call or come over for a while..so i waited..just the other nite i went to her house and surprised her.. we started talkn again and ended up KISSING..AGAIN.. then later that nite i was talkn to her and said something about somethign she told me and it upset her again.. and so i am here today writing..because this happened SATURDAY.. when we kissed it was like no other kisses we have given each other.. and she is always telling me that she misses me and loves me.. well not as much now as she used to..
and says that her feelings are not going to all disappear all at once for me.. she told me that the way i am now she wishes i was before.. i tell her things now that i had a hard time saying to her before.. like that i would die for her...that i love her..i show my emotions now..she told me a few weeks after we broke up that it was a little late and she wishes i would have been able to show my real feelings for her sooner.. but we did not break up mad at each other or anything.. one day we talked bout going on a date and that is the nite that the kissing went a little farther and i asked her to go back out with me and she got all embarrassed and said..AUSTIN.. i can't just say yes right now ( this was after what happened earlier that day) so i do not know what is going on.. i just know that i love this girl with all my damn heart..
so what do i do??

October 29, 2001
5:50 pm
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Molly
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the only thing worse to hear other than its puppy love, is that it could be co-dependent love, and darling, your so young. Where are all your guy friends, how come your not out shooting hoops, where is the balance in your life. the best thing you can do for you right now, is go build some biceps, and a six pack, stomach muscles that is. do some research on co-dependency, and be busy. Find the guys and do some dart tossing, or play a game of pool, at the local pool hall, get on your skate board, and work up some chemicals in that head of yours. I am not saying that its not love, I am sure your emotions are very real and very painful, but hold on there big fella, this is a big sign, and maybe a very important lesson for you. Keep that zipper up, your just dating, and don't want to get stuck with some one like this with a baby too. If ya got upset, whos to say it was something not signifigant. Take a stand for you, and all the pain your going through. it will get better, but ya gotta keep busy.

October 29, 2001
7:42 pm
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pg lova
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Alcaustin,
Trust me, I do know what you feel, I too am a man in my early 20s and I know the devastation you are feeling. I want you to know that God cares about you and that time will heal your pain. I am still myself grieving over a relationship gone bad. But, I broke it off with her. When a relationship goes bad, it hurts b-cuz you remember the good times and they are so hard to let go. My brother as a strong believer in God, I say if it hurts and you are wounded cry it out, just cry on until the pain eventually is all gone. You may feel lonely right now but as a firm believer in God, i feel led to share with you the words to my favorite song, Never Alone.

Verse1:

I've seen the lightening flashing
I've heard the thunder roll
I've felt sin's breakers dashing
Which tried to conquer my soul
But through it all God leads me
And bids me still fight on
He promised never to leave me
Never to leave me alone.

Chorus:

No never alone! No never alone!
He promised never to leave me
He promised never to leave me!
No never alone! No never alone!
He promised never to leave me
Never to leave me alone.

And so, Alcaustin I exhort you today, I don't know what your faith is, but if you believe in God then you trust Him to hold your life. As long as God is always at your side, you are NEVER ALONE.

God Bless and if u need to talk about the devastation, e-mail me at [email protected] and we'll talk. Trust me, I know the devastation you are going through and it can help you to talk. Take care.

PG lova

October 30, 2001
9:42 am
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alcaustin
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Molly:
What is co-dependent love?
My guy friends? I can't stand half of them that i went to school with.. the other half have gf's or stayin at college. My older cuz that i hang with works all day.. Only been hanging out with 2 people lately. Ryan and Tyler. They are brothers. Ryan is my age tyler is a year behind... We all shoot hoops together when it is warm out (not now though)And for about 1 month ( a few weeks after my break up) we started lifting. I have gained about 1/2-3/4 inch on my arms... They are pretty cut to.. good definition.. and i almost have a full 6pck.. Andrea saw me the other nite i stopped by and was amazed at my arms, chest, stomach. I work in Dry Wall so that helps also. That releaves some energy. I have done many things with girls like skinngy dipping and other things before i knew andrea but i can't do anything sexual with them.. Which IS GOOD.. i can't do that 2 a girl who is drunk or that i do not love. Use to drink alot before andrea came around. and drank some while i was with her.. That came to a stop one day because she was at home and i was out drinking and i thought that i might lose her. She helped me out in many ways without knowing it
THANKS MOLLY!

pg:

Thanks man:
I needed to hear that. It helped.. ALl i think about is the great times. Yesterday while me and ryan were lifting mine and andrea's song came on the radio "WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN" by creed.. and i began to cry infront of ryan.. I have cried more now than i have ever cried in my life.. THANKS MAN

BlondieNYC:

In the middle of the week a few weeks ago i stopped by her house to show her my window tint that i just had put on my new truck. only planned on staying a few minutes but her and her mom invited me in to stay for a while. we started talking and she kept saying, NO stay a little longer i wanna talk. We talked about everyting.. This is when she told me that she is dumb for breakn us up and that she really misses me and loves me alot but is still confused about what she wants to do in life.we ended up picking on each other and this is when our eyes locked and we kissed.. we talked a little longer then i left with another kiss. I stopped by her house the next day to talk about what happen the nite before.. when we had our chance to talk we talked fine and hugged (friendly hugs) and we ended up kissing again..MORE.. we got caught in th emoment and it about led to sex. we stopped and asked each other if we were both ok with it...we both said yeah..afterwards we were both like WOW!! and hugged and kissed more...it was getting late so i had to leave.. the next days we were both busy so i only got to talk to her on the computer for a little bit each day.. Sunday i went to her house so we could go for a walk and by the time i drove the 5 min to her house he showed up.. her mom said that they thought it was me knocking on the door.. and so me and andrea went outside and talked and i kinda hinted that i would leave if it would make things easier.. and she said sorry austin.. i do not know what to do he just showed up i really am sorry and we hugged..they have been friends longer than i have known her..She is going to be 18 in jan i just turned 20 in oct.. She has MANY guy friends.. more girls are jealous of her and talk bad about her..never had a problem with her guy friends. we were seeing each other for bout 3 months then i officially asked her out.. then bout 3 months or so later we were laying in bed and fooling around and one thing led to the next and i asked her if she was ready and she said yeah and i was ready.. both virgins at the time.. Been maknig love since may 22nd 2000.. She doesn't have any attraction to this other guy (he is just one of them guy friends who she has always hung out with ) plus he is UGLY..never coul dkeep a woman very long.. broke up my best friend and his gf a while ago..like he knew were takn a break so he showed up.. then about a few weeks before i started to talk to andrea again he said that she has some problem and he stopped talnk to her.. so when i started to talk to her again all of a sudden HE SHOWS BACK UP..she has always got hit on even while we were dating by every guy that walks. she has had many bf's since like the 2nd grade.. she is MY SECOND GF.. i am shy around woman sometimes..ones that i am attracted to.. when we broke up she said she is not saying that we will never get back together someday..she just doesn't know when if it ever happens...i have had long talks with her mom and her mom said that all of her friends are putting a lot of pressure on her and she is just really confused..and her mom is sorry..her mom doesn't know what to say to help either..she said it is a big mess and she is sorry i had to be part of it..andrea is one of them girls who does what her "BEST GIRLFRIEND" says and what the other girls say so she does not make them mad..always trying to make everyone happy.. that gets hard sometimes i know that.my mom says that it is a HIGHSCHOOL thing with girls..and if it is meant to be it will be... I FOUND THIS QUOTE " IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, LET THEM GO. IF THEY RETURN TO YOU, IT WAS MEANT TO BE. IF THEY DON'T, THEIR LOVE WAS NEVER YOURS TO BEGIN WITH". i try to believe that but it is hard and scary.
I know we are young but i have never felt more love in my life and i know i can give up love making with her to have her by myside.. because i was not in the relationship for sex..either was she.

OK.. not to be conceited but I AM GOOD LOOKING.. always have girls asking me to dance with them. or to go on a date with their friends.. i always danced with the less popular girls in junior high also.. i have more girl friends then i do guy friends.. I played football in high scool for one year.. baseball for 2 years.. track my junior and senior (made it to regional finals my senior year) and played basketball for 4 years.. was captain of the team and voted best defensive player.. i couldn't shoot or dribble to wwell so i always guarded the best players on the other team.. and got the rebounds.. for only bein 5'11 i could mess around with the big guys. I have been told i am very good looking, handsome, cute, sexy :} How come girls don't come to me then???
THANKS!!

October 30, 2001
11:01 am
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Ladeska
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I haven't really read all of this thread, but I read quite a bit of it and don't want to interrupt for very long here, great discussion, btw... Just a couple of things though - come to mind..

I see a compulsive neediness - through your writings, explaining the dynamics of your relationship. She has definitely been a part of all that, but at some point - she got very uncomfortable with the way you were hovering over her, needing her approval, needing her 24/7 and it drove her away. And now, it seems that she's enjoying all the attention, is boosting her own ego with your neediness of her. So, she's playing that. Not to say that she's wicked or anything of the kind, but this is just human nature...

You, on the other hand - don't seem to exist very well if the image of who you are isn't reflected back through her eyes. If that reflection is not there or it is not favorable - then your whole world falls apart. You seem to be nothing - without that.

False belief. And you've built your life on it and now the faulty foundation is shaking and you're feeling it. She's not where she was in your life and now - your whole life is falling apart because of this.

Two people are never supposed to come together in order that one may hold the other one up and that they fall apart when the other one doesn't do that. This makes for alot of anger and resentment in the future of any relationship because NO ONE and I mean no one can keep this up. It's way too much responsibility to put onto another person.

Whether or not she loves you, accepts you, affirms you, encourages - should not be the essence of your life and who you are. But, at this point - It is - just that way with you...

I don't think you realize your excessive compulsive need to have her - be your self esteem here, but it's very plain to me. It's plain because when you do not get it from her - you fall to pieces, thus your reason for being "here".

IF....you can be brave and committed to your own wellbeing at such a young age - you may be able to....help yourself before this becomes a huge pattern in your life. These things are not easy to "see" and even harder to address, but not...impossible.

What addressing does - is make YOU responsible for your own happiness, your own self-esteem, your own success and not - someone else....

She and others that will come into your life - will always wiggle out from under this neediness in you. At some point, they will turn away, turn on you, reject you, or play you. I don't think that's what you want or need.

I'm not capping on what I see in her right now because - this is about "you". And whether you have all these wonderful feelings of love and lust - doesn't really matter if the bottomline foundation of it all is extremely faulty. It will fall, regardless of how good the sex and handholding is. It will fall, sooner or later.

Two people have to both be - complete people who do not depend on another human being to "complete them". You will have a high old time as long as the high old time lasts, but someone can only feed on another person for sooo long, until the food supply runs out and everyone starts feeling deficient and weak because of it - then the going - gets Really Fun. Then the guns turn inward on each other.

"I gave my everything to you, you were my everything, I worshipped you, would have died for you, etc., etc., Why have you abandoned me, rejected me, not given me what I need??!!!"

I rather infantile statement, isn't it? Like an infant throwing a temper tantrum - give me my bottle and give it to me now.

But, that's how we come into this world - extremely narcissistic and demanding. It is only later, when we resist growing out of this state and taking responsibility for ourselves that we have the opportunity to become - a superb human being. Some people take the step and alot of people - don't. They are too lazy and it's just too taxing for them...

Hiding behind "I love you so much that I will strangle the life out of you doing it" - makes good cover for a narcissitic adult to hide behind.

You.......are a person - with or without her, but you don't know that, do you? My question, my challenge to you is - can you be brave enough at this stage in your life to really see what you are doing and want to walk another path? A path that's ultimate responsibility is to you and about you? IF you can do this - then and only then will you be "worthy" of love that is healthy, that will fulfill and compliment.

As Kahlil Gibran so eloquently said in "The Prophet" when he spoke of Marriage...it went something like this...that two pillars should hold up the temple and stand side by side - but not in each other's shadow. That two people should drink the same wine - but not from - one another's cup... There should be spaces....between your togetherness...

This is my twenty-five cents worth (smile). Thanks for reading it, considering it and believe me - I realize that when you are young and someone says something like this to you - it doesn't feel good, but maybe you should print it out and read it later....over again.

I very much....wish you well.

October 30, 2001
9:09 pm
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alcaustin
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LADESKA:
actually..when we were dating i never told her how much she meant to me because i was scared..didn't know how to express myself.. we never had to ask each other for permission.. actually i didn't always call whe i said i was going to but called a little late sometimes.. if anythign she was always waiting on me 24/7 cause i was always workn messed up hours.. WOW!! you gave some AWESOME WORDS LADESKA!! have u lived my life with me? u seem to know ME BETTER THAN I KNOW ME..that is SCARY!!
NO i do not know that i am a PERSON with or without HER!! i am GOING TO TRY AND TAKE YOUR CHALLENGE I did print it out and have read it a few times!! well this may be a little sign.. i havn't talked to her or sent her a msg on the computer since saturday nite!!
THANKS LADESKA!!

BLONDIENYC:
THE VERY FIRST PARAGRAPH you said is AWESOME!!
it is werid we had it planned out
was going to get married in 5-6 years..when she was done with her college..then wait 2 years or so to have kids!! atleast that was the plan so we could have OUR TIME TOGETHER!!
get a big MOUNTAIN BED and everything!
heheheh :}
believe it or not i AM LISTENTING to you.. age does not matter to me when it is good advice.. you have more experiences then i do and so i listen to you.. i have tried to think what i am gong to do for 5 years!! WOW that is going to go by QUICK..if it is anything like my 4 years in high school.. DAMN that went by quick..
you are not THAT WACKY..heheh

TO EVERYONE:!

this is hard to say.. but it is amazing that PEOPLE will take time out of THEIR OWN DAYS to HELP a COMPLETE STRANGER when they have probably helped 1000000 just like that person.. and i really want to THANK ANYONE AND EVERYONE who writes inhere.. and in a strange way... I LOVE YOU PEOPLE :} heheh
you are all probalby sayin
ohh he is YOUNG, DUMB AND well fill in the rest.. but i do listen to your guys writings.. printed them out and have read them..
and i just want to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYONE!!
only been a few days in here and i feel that people love me and IT HAS HELPED!! THANKS

October 30, 2001
10:10 pm
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anajean
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I am a mother of three teenage daughters. I have been working working in a pharmaceutical company for about 20 years.
I hold a Grade 8 position, 14 being the higest, in Product Planning Department for about 3 years now and I am planning to more to another area.
I have tried to talk to Personnel Dept for so many times in the past, but I was not given the chance to move.
A week ago, I learned that one of my officemates who is moving to Personnel by January.
I already told her my plan but I am worried that I might again lost the chance when she move out.

I have a very limited chance of talking to that officemate of mine, because she is a workaholic. She too, does not take coffeee break.

I hope that you can help me find a new area where I can work better.
Sincerely yours,

October 31, 2001
9:28 am
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alcaustin
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THANKS BLONDIE :}

go for it anajean..

October 31, 2001
10:46 am
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Ladeska
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Alcaustin....well, without really seeing what's up by knowing you guys - it's hard to call who's waiting on who, etc., but just from what you wrote - the general tone is there of wanting someone to be the center of your universe and "feed" you what you need. So, that was basically what I was pointing to. Just isn't healthy. And I'm not saying you need to go on an ego trip of being selfish either. It's just that alot of what we cloak in words of love - isn't. It's more a "detour" to keep from facing ourselves and finding out what makes us tick, happy, feel inspired, etc. And all that - doesn't need to come from outside sources all the time....especially from the person standing next to you. Is just too much of a drain and responsibility. People can fill that position. They will poop out eventually, whether it's you or her.

And I probably have lived alot of what you are going through. I think that's true of alot of people. We just need to share with each other more and be family. We all have so much wisdom we could share, if we just would.

There are so many lonely, disconnected people out there who feel like no one cares and the truth of the matter is - we've all become so freaking isolated. We go to work, come home, cocoon and look at each other with suspicious fearful eyes when we are out and about.

What's up with that?

I'll admit - the world is a scary place, but getting a little tired of everyone concentrating on the negative. The more we do that and the more we don't reach out to each other - the more we plummet to the bottom. Life is risky business, from the moment you pop out of the womb. But - what we do here - is an example of what we are capable of as human beings and how a little spark can do tremendous good. We've all been hurt, but to be a true warrior in life, you lick your wounds, become wiser and stand tall, being like a limber willow and not a brittle, top-heavy oak.

Just the fact that you are asking questions, listening, critically thinking - is such a plus for someone your age. And I applaud you. We aren't always right here and we know that, but the thing is to shake up the pot, get the gears to moving, get the process flowing in "you".... That's the important thing. Consider yourself hugged. (smile)

October 31, 2001
1:40 pm
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alcaustin
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thanks ladeska

yeah so far i have printed out what everyone has said and have re-read everything that everyone has wrote..
and in high school i hated writing and reading,, but now i (when i hear something) actually think about it first, then give my opinions.. a funny thing is i have wrote me now then i ever did in high school
i have wrote a few little reports
one was bout 7 pages..just on my feelings and everything else.. what my life has been like and what i want it to be and stuff like that.. and i actually listen to songs when i hear them now and listen to the words.. it is funny but it seems like a lot more songs that i hear relate to me personally.. i dunno maybe i just have my ears open more.. but i have been doing alot more thinking and everythign else.. THANKS :}
i needed the hug
xoxoxox

October 31, 2001
4:52 pm
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alcaustin
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me again,
u know what i think i am scared of the most, well maybe not scared of but it is always going through my mind? it is the fact that i wondered
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN? what might have been if we would been together in the future.. and also it scares me about
if it is true love, let them go, if they come back it was meant to be, if they do not, then their love was never yours to beging with.. something like that..

October 31, 2001
5:48 pm
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Ladeska
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Thinking about coulda, woulda, shoulda beens - wastes alot of time....and really gets you nowhere. Makes you a little dreamy, gets your emotions in an uproar, but that's about it. Right now - you need to let time do it's thing....and not with strings attached either like looking for the boomarang to come back at you with all you ever dreamed of attached to it, blah, blah, blah.

Things are never, ever as dreamy as we wish they were. Life really tears that one all to pieces and makes alot of people hard. When we are young, we have no idea what is really out there in the real world. Even people that we would never, ever expect something bad from - will deliver us our most brutal blow, out of nowhere.

And what I'm really trying to get across to you is - protect yourself. Learn early that you don't leave your heart on "open". You stand erect and you really, really survey the landscape, watching people for some time before you let them in and you never, ever let someone in on emotions or hormones alone. Never.

This is probably very good for you because you are learning to verbalize things - at least by writing them. Probably learning alot about you - you didn't even know, huh? When my daughters were teenagers - I used to stay up all night sometimes - just talking to their friends, mainly - listening..... And was amazed at how much that meant to them. We don't listen enough....to people, to ourselves. Like I say alot - one of the deepest human needs is the need to "be known". To know that someone just "holds" who they are and acknowledges that, without judging, trying to change it - nothing except - just holding who they are like a vase holds flowers. It's called appreciation, respect and getting to know someone just for the sheer pleasure of "knowing" them. Kind of a novel idea because we spend so much time talking to people about us, about what we want out of them or how they see us, get our egos going until - we walk away and don't have a clue who they really are. Sad thing is - they know that.... they feel it. That's why so many of us walk around in our own cocoons.

This is a good time for you - to get to know yourself, to ask some questions, look for the answers, and really get to know people that you look at, take the time to really "see" them for just the sake of "seeing".

October 31, 2001
10:21 pm
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alcaustin
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thanks again!

another question..

say like 1 month, 2 months 6 months whatever... this girl comes back to me.. says that she misses me alot and is sorry for what she did.. and wants to be with me again..
what do i do?

November 2, 2001
4:39 pm
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alcaustin
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so people

do i get back with her or not?

November 3, 2001
6:38 pm
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alcaustin
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yeah i did actually
because i do not know how girls think
do u think she will come back to me when she realizes that (not to be conceited but i am a very good man and made her happy) or because she knows that i will still be holding on and she can get in a relationship?

November 3, 2001
9:25 pm
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alcaustin
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so people
how is everyone?
no one has replied in here for a while
what is everyone up 2

November 5, 2001
8:43 am
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alcaustin
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thanks blondie :}

i try that but when i went and stayed with my friends at college all i could thik bout was her and i endedup writing bout a 5 page letter to her

November 5, 2001
10:51 am
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Ladeska
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alacaustin...sorry, I'm not usually on the web very much during the weekend. But, I can't really answer that question as far as - what do you do if she comes back. I think the very fact that you thought about suicide because you felt like you falied or she rejected or whatever - isn't a good sign that you need to have someone in your life - that keeps you - from facing you.

I'm sure you feel like you need that distraction - but it would only be that and sooner or later - you'd wear her out and vice versa... You keep talking about "her"....but what about you and what you are going to do to work on yourself - independent of having a girl in your life?

Being all wrapped up in someone is nice...for as long as it lasts - but it never lasts because it's unhealthy to do it to the extent that you do - which is - when things don't go right - you want to kill yourself.

There is something not okay with that and I for one would like to see you address that - more than - will she come back to me and what should I do. You're still obsessing, making her the object of your life and the center of your universe.

I feel like is it wasn't her - it would be someone else.... And my concern is - when are you going to stop running from you....and stop using someone else to run interference to keep you from - looking in the mirror and doing the work it takes to become whole....and to know yourself. Know what your strengths and weaknesses are, know what you like, don't like, know what your goals are, how to accomplish them - what your life's work should be and who you are - that's not connected to - what you will get from someone or how they see you.

How do you - see you? Who are you?

November 7, 2001
2:02 pm
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alcaustin
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hey people
hows it going

here is something to read
Love is...

Love is when you fall head over heels for a special one,
Love is when nothing goes wrong and there is only fun,
Love is when smiles are all you can see on her face,
Love is when the littlest spot becomes a special place,
Love is when two people can laugh and make each other smile,
Love is when all you see is you both together walking down an aisle,
Love is when all your dreams are about that special lady,
Love is when all you can say is yes and never the words. "maybe,"
Love is when your hands sweat from thinking of her name,
Love is when it is all from the heart and never is just a game,
Love is when all you seem to hear all around you is her voice,
Love is when you forget about other girls and make her your choice,
Love is when you see her face every single place you seem to turn,
Love is when two people meet and an eternal candle is lit to burn,
Love is when you set eyes on a girl and seem to stare forever,
Love is when your first stares tell your heart you should be together,
Love is when you see something that reminds you of your crush,
Love is when you take your time with everything and never rush,
Love is when your heart beats at a different beat when she is near,
Love is when not having her around anymore is your biggest fear,
Love is when all you want is to make her smile no matter the reason,
Love is when she makes you all warm inside no matter the season,
Love is when she can make you stay up at night and write her a letter,
Love is when you do everything in your power to make her feel better,
Love is when you look at her, she looks back and you both stare,
Love is when none of your past lovers to the new love can't compare,
Love is when you just want to know she is OK and in a safe place,
Love is when you close your eyes and seem to always picture her face,
Love is when you can remember the first time you two had the first kiss,
Love is when your heart takes flight and flies over feelings of bliss,
Love is when you can sit down thinking of her and have a great time,
Love is when you give all you have even when you are down to a dime,
Love is when you keep every promise you ever seemed to make,
Love is when tears and her being sad is something your heart can't take,
Love is when you hear angels whispering her name to you from above,
Love is when you feel like me... and you know you're falling in love.

and people i Know these are my feelings and i am falling in love

November 7, 2001
2:45 pm
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Cici
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Alcaustin,

Theoretically, I probably shouldn't respond to you with my current dismal opinion of Love in all its splendiforous forms of terpitude. Ha ha ha. But, I guess I'm going to indulge myself anyway. I'm insane, apparently, so I have an excuse.

Love, ahhhhh love. So sweet. Intoxicating. One of the most addictive drugs. And possibly one of the most destructive. An ill-formed individual, one who has never learned the art of being intimate with themselves, will find it hard to be in a long term relationship. Because the pre-requisite for balanced love, equally fulfilling to two individuals, is self-love and self-acceptance. No control, or dependence. Personally, I think that the enduring love comes after years and years, after having had to work out all those kinks, or learn tolerance.

Maybe I believe this because I think everyone has that first heady rush of intoxication and being totally wrapped up in union. Then you get over that hump and the hum-drum details of life start eating away at you. Bills, birth control, work, stress.

I'm 22. Just turned in Oct. Married last June. Just...always know what you're getting into.

I think really loving someone is simply when you want the best for them in their life. And sometimes that means life without you. But there you go. Enjoy yourself. Be care free. Don't tie yourself down too early or you may regret it for the rest of your life.

November 7, 2001
4:59 pm
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alcaustin
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thanks cici,

i am not lookn to get married right now, i just now from many nites of thinking that i want to marry this girl in like 5 years, when she gets done with college.. i have tried to not think about her i told myself lies so i would get mad at her and well that doesn't work either.. everyday is the same
tomarrow is another day... another day that i will wake up the same and think the same..and i will think the same things tomarrow, as i did today, when i go to sleep tonite..
what draws me to think bout the same things all day long? i know it is not fake because i can not push it away.. it is with me all day long.. and i know it is true.. my feelings that i have throughout the day are real... so today is just going to be another day that i think the same as i will tomarrow..
i do not kill myself day in and day out thinking of her but she is in my thoughts all day long... like today on my way to school i started to cry thinking of her... i asked god if he could give me one thing and that one thing to be this girl, because i know i will treat her well and make her happy, and i love her.. i never thought that someone like myself would ever have these feelings for a girl, always shy around the women, but my feelings are real for her....
i have had many dreams where there is this woman who is faceless for a while, and i enjoy this faceless woman's company and love this woman, i never found out who it was until a recent dream where i heard,I LOVE YOU AUSTIN and turned around and it was the girl that i am thinking of..
i know i may only be 20 and young and stupid but i know my feelings and i know that i love this girl.

November 7, 2001
6:41 pm
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Ladeska
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Damn those Fairy Tales, huh? Had all the crap you have to endure before you meet the handsome prince and then they take you to the door of that and drop you flat. THUD. What happens after the waltz down the aisle - Mr. Grimms? That wasn't very fair!

November 7, 2001
9:34 pm
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alcaustin
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uhhhh i am lost
what are you 2 talnk bout??

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