Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
help me I am a hopeless codependent
July 16, 2005
11:48 am
Avatar
dgroovy1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My husband won't work, all he does is stay on computer and smoke pot. All he talks about is electronics or entertainment. I am so miserable and feel so guilty for being miserable. I feel like I am being disloyal to him by feeling this way, but we have two daughters and I don't want them to think this is the kind of man they should look for or this is the way a husband treats his wife. I am so very miserable and can't even begin to think of a solution. Any suggestions/comments/comforts?

July 16, 2005
1:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sounds like your husband isn't holding up his end of the bargain. Marriage is about two people uniting in a partnership. It seems as though he is having trouble being a partner. It might help if you talked to your husband calmly about his behavior. Ask him what is preventing him from working. Perhaps he is depressed. You may want to suggest that he seek counseling and medical treatment. Assure him that you will be there for him if he decides to seek treatment. Also, you may want to suggest that he find a job in the electronics or entertainment fields, since he seems to have interest in these areas. Maybe you could even join him in looking for a job that meets his interests.

You don't need to feel guilty for being miserable. Anyone would feel the same way in your situation. When you feel that your partner does not care about your feelings, it is very painful. Keep posting.

July 16, 2005
1:58 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

is there a reason why your hubby doesnt work??? i would sit down and talk with him about how you feel, he may not even know that you are unhappy. And to be fair to you and his daughters he should listen to how you feel and hopefully he will make the necessary changes to improve his life and have more family time. good luck.

July 16, 2005
8:43 pm
Avatar
EJ
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Dgroovy,

I suspect that you'd really like to make changes, but are terrified and feel unprepared to make it on your own.

If this is the case, it's important to start preparing. I wasn't very far into my 16 year marriage when I realized that I was in a very bad situation. My husband was terrified of being left and so he worked hard to make it impossible for me to leave him by making me feel too incompetant to make it on my own. He found fault with my family and friends, so I lessened contact with them and became very isolated and very trapped in his version of reality.

I had quit working to take care of our two little kids, and when I tried to go back, I suffered such severe panic attacks that I couldn't continue. As you can tell, I was in a total mess, and I'm very embarrassed that I let this happen to me. I mean, I'm a college graduate with honors!! But I was only 20 when I married, and I missed a lot of warning signs.

Anyway, it took a long time and a lot of planning to get back on my feet. First I did a lot of reading: I especially recommend "Boundaries" and "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them".

I got some counseling from my minister and medical treatment for my panic disorder. I started ignoring my husband's wishes and reconnected with my family and joined a women's support group.

When I was ready, I got a part time job. Just being out in the world and earning a little money of my own was so good for my self-esteem. I quit beating a dead horse and stopped trying to make my husband happy. It was never my job, anyway.

Eventually, my babies were in school full-time and I got recertified to teach and found a good job.

It seemed like the stronger and happier I got, the more insecure he got. I guess when I wouldn't allow him to make an object of me anymore, he turned to the easier-to-manage women of pornography. When I discovered he was addicted, I thanked God for what I considered my "get out of jail free" card and threw him out.

He's now in counseling and I'm thrilled to be more in control of my own life than I've ever been.

Anyway, if you think you may need to leave someday, or at least need a strong position from which to insist on change, start planning and preparing. Stash money. Make friends. Get job training. Read "Preparing for Divorce" websites, which can give you a wealth of info on the financial, legal and custody aspects.

I'm rooting for you.
Love EJ

July 17, 2005
8:26 am
Avatar
dgroovy1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have talked calmly to him on many occasions, the only time I have ever seen any change of substance was when I left him, but then I took him back & it's still not right, seems I am destined to be an enabler. We have sought some counseling and are both on medications, but I just don't know. Thank you so much for all of your comments and support. Keep posting.
Dgroovy1

July 17, 2005
6:47 pm
Avatar
EJ
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just one more thing, Dgroovy. You can talk til you're blue in the face, but it's your actions that will let him know you mean business. Think "dog training"!!
Love EJ

July 21, 2005
8:50 pm
Avatar
dgroovy1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks EJ! I appreciate your input. I don't think I will ever be strong enough to train any dog other than myself to keep being a martyr. Finding this site has helped me though, so I guess it is a step.

July 21, 2005
8:56 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Your feelings are true and they are your own. The way your husband is acting is in conflict with the way you believe he should be. Or, you are embarassed for yourself in front of your children that you accept his behavior. It makes sense that you feel bad for feeling bad, that is CODEP!! Your feelings are real and need to be expressed, don't hold it in, take the risk, ask for what you want and need, and expect!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer