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Help me Brace myself for Birthday Issues? (ef)
January 4, 2006
3:33 pm
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exoticflower
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As most of you know I have a continual struggle with my emotions regarding contact from my ex and his family for special occasions. My birthday is coming up on the tenth, and one way or another I'm sure I am going to find a problem with what he says or does to aknowlege it. A lot of it is him, writing me borderline love letters around Christmas after completely ignoring me for Thanksgiving in order to hurt me, stuff like that--but a lot of it is that I keep expecting him to get it right despite the fact that he is simply not a very good, sincere or gracious person. It's just who he is, and i know it, and I need to just accept that and deal. SO, I am prepping early and focusing on myself and letting go. any advice? Pointers? Feedback? It's difficult becasue I do love him very much and very deeply, and do wish there where hope for us, but the fact is he is completely 100% unwilling to do the work, and I am not ready to forgive the past and am still working on moving past the abuse and regaining my own self confidence and trying to put the broken pieces back togeather.

His family always sends me cards and gifts which I take personally as they where very close to me and I feel betrayed by them (they unwittingly aided in the phsychological abuse, and also I resent their own dysfunction where it has hurt me and made ex who he is), and I want to just take it as what it is--a nice gesture on my birthday which I will send a thank you card for, nothing more or less. And I want his gift or card or completley lack of effort or his completley inapropriately romanticv whatnots to roll off of me and reflect only who he is and not hurt or affect me. But, that's all I know, beyond that I am at a loss. How do I do this? What can I focus on for myself to help this? ANy advice will be very apriciated..and btw, I'll be 25 again this year, thank you!

January 4, 2006
3:42 pm
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mamacinnamon
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EF:

It's ok if you want to be 25 again, but when you reach 40 you might want to up it to 30. 🙂

It will be a hard time won't it. But you remember... you are strong. You are Flowerbaby's mom and she needs her mom totally in tact. Grow a little toughness to your backbone and well, put on your raincoat so it just rolls off like the drops of rain coming from the heavens do. Ya know the raindrops help the plantlife to grow. Let whatever they send your way help you to grow.

Chin up.... Grow; Be Strong; Persevere. You CAN Do It. 🙂

January 4, 2006
4:14 pm
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Shaney
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Just remember ef, that any thought or effort made to acknowledge your birthday, is just that, plain and simple - and acknowledgement to let you know that you're thought of. Leave it at that - and be thankful and appreciative towards the people that remembered, and made the effort - no matter how small or big.

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and it was the worst birthday I've ever had in my life - I turned 40, which had nothing to do with the bummer day that I had... it was just bad. But in looking at the situation realistically, it had nothing to do with how people feel about me. Some people are good at remembering birthdays and doing things to make those days special, and some people hardly remember them, because birthdays/special ocassions just aren't that important to them. I go crazy, out of my way to make someone feel special on their birthday... but that's just me. I can't expect that from everyone else, because the majority of the people out there just aren't that way. They care about YOU, ultimately, which is what matters, but the hoopla may not be what they're into.

Don't read too much into the things that you receive for your birthday - just be happy that people remember :o) Make it special for yourself... plan a fun little birthday party for you and your little flowerbud - that could be really fun, actually.

January 4, 2006
4:24 pm
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2bstrong
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Hi exotic,

Sounds like there is some "letting go" that needs to happen here. I am speaking from my own experience on this. And to be sure, it is damn hard. Yesterday I made a list of all of the things that would happen if I let go of my current crazy relationship drama. Perhaps that would help you?

You will always have a place in your heart for him exotic. But trust me--with time, it will be reduced to affection. Time is the great healer of hurting hearts. When you are able to let him go a little, you will be able to make room for someone else.

I agree with Shaney--you are placing a lot of emphasis on the past. The past is history, it's time to focus on what is happening now, and the healthy people that you are in contact with on a daily basis.

Wow, 25. I remember when I turned 25. I made a poster of all of the things that had inspired me for that whole quarter-of-a-century. I still have it somewhere.

Lots of love to you and exoticbaby--2b

January 4, 2006
4:25 pm
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2bstrong
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P.S. I hope my post doesn't sound cold, exotic. I truly believe you have the where-with-all to get through all of this. If you are like me, it just seems as if can't happen fast enough.

January 4, 2006
4:42 pm
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exoticflower
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No, not cold at all, very true. I think though that ex uses holidays and occasions to manipulate/toy with me a lot too though, making the letting go proccess more difficult deliberately in one or another way, to keep himself in my mind and powerful over me. I'm more trying to have the attitude you guys are talking about regarding aknowlegement from his family--his abuse is still very present in his every contact or lack of it. To be honest, I am thinking the best thing is to hope for NO aknowlegement and throw away whatever card or gift unopened to keep him out of my hear and keep the focus off of him or his feelings towards me. I DO want to let go, really, and wonder if completley disengaging and refusing anything not directly related to our daughter is the best way to do that. Maybe some don't know, he is an extrememly abusive and manipulative person who is very emotionally irresponsible and calculated at once. I think the best bet for me bmay be to tell my heart to hush when it wants me to feel loved by him--that really isn't good for me, his love in any form is usually very destructive and hurtful to me and seldom sincere anyway.

January 4, 2006
4:44 pm
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exoticflower
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a quarter of a century, didn';t htink of that!!! WOW! (of course I am 'technically' turning 26, but decided to stop at 25 until I am 28 at which point I am willing to do 26. after thirty, I'm just going to be my age, I think. Good advice, mamac!!! :))

January 4, 2006
4:45 pm
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exoticflower
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Thanks for all of the cute names for exoticbaby too, guys! very sweet, I especially like "little flowerbud"!

January 4, 2006
7:36 pm
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Lass
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Ef Honey,

I would enter the day with the centering idea of absolutely no expectations whatsoever. And some gratitude exercises or mantras under my belt.

LL

January 4, 2006
8:17 pm
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Regret
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Is this the strong exotic flower that grows in the tropics? Gf, how are you doing? Hope xmas was good and exotic baby?

I can feel you my dear and truly empathise. Good you are thinking abt things ahead. I appreciate all the things that have been said here. I would add that you are to pamper yourself hopelessly on that day. Wake up and be thankful for all the nice things in your life Ebaby being the first. Make yourself a good breakfast and relax (except you are working). Get all dressed up with baby in tow and go to the shops to window shop but i mean, let it be known that this is one helluva chick. Do whatever it takes EF but resolve this year that the ex and all his manipulations won't steal away the joy of your bday and of course, we will have a mega party on here won't we?

Ok, i know this doesn't answer your questions but thought i would write something silly anyway hoping it will bring a smile to your face.

hugs, Reg

January 4, 2006
8:37 pm
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exoticflower
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" Do whatever it takes EF but resolve this year that the ex and all his manipulations won't steal away the joy of your bday "

Rev, I have to admit, this is some practical advice and DID put a big smile on my face!

In my heart I do know that all the frustrations and such isn't him stealing my joy, however, but me giving it to him. My birthday is my day, and I do plan to enjoy it with exotic-baby (who has aquired many a nickname here!). Honestly, if it's going to put me in a foul or even tedious mood, I am starting to think I will just not check my e-mail, not open ANYONEs cards, and as Lass said NO EXPECTATIONS!! Yup, I'm thinking me, a shopping spree I probably can't afford, and in the pm a bubble-bath and a couple of drinks with some friends (ah my wonderful baby-sitter deserves a bonus!). that's all. My day, no need for this.

Thanks for all the advice and well wishes, I am definately over thinking and working myself up, I just didn't plan at all for the winter holiday to be a hurtful event--but Christmas is about everyone, and he had to call her, and there where gifts and cards to write and concider and such, etc... This is just one day about me and what makes me feel good, it isn't the same thing nor does it bring on the false responsabilities and such people (ie me) tend to take on for winter festivities. I think I'll be FINE!

January 4, 2006
8:43 pm
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Regret
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ok EF, now i am hurt. i wrote to u and u addressed Rev! LOL. I am happy that you smiled. Yeah, go out there and do all of it for you. You deserve the bestest of the best!

January 4, 2006
8:46 pm
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exoticflower
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OH, sorry! I'm not even sure if it was a typo or I got mixed up, the g and v are right above one another! Thanks!

January 4, 2006
9:27 pm
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turnabout
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Bracing yourself suggest resistance ... and even though we think we are resisting the another person or an undesirable situation, we're really resisting ourselves. And resisting ourselves is always going to make ourselves miserable. So maybe the b'day will need to be a cry day. I hope not, and only say it as an outside example, but if it is, go with it. You'll get through your cry and be able to go on and enjoy the rest of the day then.

Maybe you can make a deal with yourself, like in your own suggestion. Make the day about you, and resolve not to even open cards, gifts, e-mails until the next day. Make a deal to not let anything distract you from YOU!!!! 🙂 You'll have YOUR day to celebrate, and then everyone else can join in later! Hehe {{{{{{exotic}}}}}

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