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help me be supportive!
June 13, 2009
4:25 pm
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innerturmoil
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i need help
my mother in law is in the hospital ,, nothing physically wrong but mentally declining fast.. my husband is very close to her and now cant even really talk to her...
she is getting worse..
he is grieving for her and i always say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and make him think i am a hateful b---- but im really not trying to be..
even if things dont work out with our marriage i still want to be supportive when his family is in turmoil...
idk ,, i didnt have a good example of that growing up,,,long story,, my family wasnt very functional..
but.. i really need to support him and i think i just dont know how..
any advice is appreciated...
inner-

June 13, 2009
4:47 pm
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sunshine88
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hi inner, i can't sleep, so i thought i would log on for some time.

sorry to hear about your mom in law's condition. these things are what we all dread, but it is inevitable.

i've never been married, inner, but i guess from what i've seen from family and friends, there is no formula on how to be supportive to a man. sometimes not to say anything is a good way to support people in such times. people dont need to hear things like 'it's gonna be ok" stuff. bcause newsflash is it's not gonna b ok. from someone who grieved my little girl, i can tell u, it really aggravated me when people come one by one and ask me how is she, how am i, how is.. how is... i wanted not to be left alone, but i wanted space, i wanted to be spared from responsibilities for a while so i could properly grieve. think about that, and let me know how it fits ur situation.

take care

June 13, 2009
6:08 pm
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atalose
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How about asking your husband how you can support him with all this?

You never know it could open up a positive discussion.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 14, 2009
8:45 am
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innerturmoil
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i have asked him..
mainly i think he just needs time away.. but we have a child and ALOT of things to take care of here..
i can do some but some i cant do..
idk i think i am 'atalose'..

June 14, 2009
9:04 am
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It No Longer Matters
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inner, First I am going to tell you to go check out Flylady.net If I had found her first I may not have been divorced, then again maybe I would have.

Next I read a "thing" the other day about only a Southerner Knows... if your friend is having a really difficult time a plate of good fried chicken is the best comfort you can give and if it is really bad you better throw in some potato salad. It's not the same but make sure he can "see", touch and feel how much you care.

I know, as for me personally I get up on my high horse and think why should I have to do everything? Well sometimes you just have to do everything. Let him live his life now so that when his mother is gone he will have no regrets. Who knows he may be teaching your children how to grieve the two of you when the time comes.

Now some are going to jump on me and say you should live for yourself and no one else but sometimes, and only on occassion, we do have to put someone elses needs before our own. I am not telling you to become a martyr and a doormat and don't lose your spine over this, but offer your husband your strength. I promise when your MIL is gone YOU will have no regrets.

Bitsy

June 14, 2009
10:05 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Bitsy,

I think a big plate of food is a comfort. In my family, food was a way to comfort, mourn, or celebrate. I loved seeing my Grandma because she always said I was too thin and gave me a lot to eat.

Do you have any other family or friends that could help you out with stuff?

June 14, 2009
10:50 am
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atalose
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Inner,

When you asked him what did he tell you? You mentioned that “you think” he just needs time away. What does he think?

Are you feeling like you’ve lost him in some way? Are you feeling abandoned? Are you feeling alone? Are you finding life difficult today because his focus today is not totally on you and your child and the “A LOT of things to take care of”?

What are some of the things you can’t do yourself?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 14, 2009
11:17 am
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innerturmoil
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hi,
thanks for all the advice so far, Bitsy, I know about the 'southern' thing and fried chicken... i think that would be a start...
i understand about having regrets, i already have too many,, and you are right ,, i have been on 'a little bit' of a high horse
but there are really are things that i cannot take care of and take care of our 2 year old...

I have like only one good friend left and my dad can only do so much cause he has a heart condition, and im scared to leave him by himself with my son, and also, my mom is ALwayS out of town and just 'unavailable' for me and my family...

He TOLD me he needs space,, and i do give him some, i guess just not enough for the circumstances,,
but i went on this site first cause i 'AM' very codependent.. i am trying to learn how to take care of myself and a family..
(i was never really taught that from my mom)

the main things i cannot do, are like mow the lawn while watching our son,,,and just daily i am soo drained i have insomnia very bad mostly at nite, and i usually only get a few hours of sleep a nite but all i need to catch up most days is 20-30 min nap in the am and i can manage.. also, there is a garage full of stuff from the move and it is unsafe to take the baby down there,, just alot to deal with..but i guess it is not important when you compare it to the situation..

anyway,, atalose, i do feel like i have lost him and we both feel that really we love each other but are no longer 'in love' and havnt been for a long time....so as to that, i have felt alone, (and abandoned) for a while now....
extra tough, we were trying to decide whether to end things when his mother went back into the hospital...
hence the name 'innerturmoil'..

thanks for the advice,
sorry long post..

June 14, 2009
11:39 am
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It No Longer Matters
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OK Innerturmoil, that makes a lot of sense. I had an 18 month old and a husband who was working 500 miles away. Find a young girl in your neighborhood 12 13 or so and pay her to come "play" with the toddler. You are there if there is an emergency, the baby is entertained, and by damn you CAN mow the lawn. First time I did it, I had to get the neighbor to come start the mower for me. Later I learned how to do it myself. The only thing I can't do in a yard now is weed eat and it is just because I am terrified that fishing line will cut my feet and legs.

About all the stuff in the garage that needs to be dealt with. Take 15 minutes as you are putting up the mower and deal with something, anything. You will be amazed at what you can get done in 15 minutes (this is where I am referring you back to Flylady and her system).

It sounds like you are just overwhelmed right now and don't know whether to spit or go blind so to say.

As a divorced woman, I got royally pissed at my husband and divorced him, found someone else, and thought I was all that and a bag of chips. Today I hang out here because the one I found turned out to be a narcissist and a lying cheating rat bastard asshole son of bitch who really screwed with my head and still has me messed up a year later. Think long and hard before you divorce the father of your child. Work on your co dependency. Set a time frame. I will give this marriage 1 year, 18 months whatever and then I will decide. Right now in "innerturmoil" is not the best time to make that decision. What I have learned in 42 years is that relationships ebb and flow and ebb again. Above all learn to love yourself. FLY Lady. Finally Loving Yourself. If you are of a Christian background, the Great Commandment was to Love your neighbor as yourself. Well you can't love anybody if you don't love yourself. (by the way we are not supposed to discuss religion on this side, but every one has probably heard love your neighbor before.)

Bitsy

June 14, 2009
12:08 pm
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atalose
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Wow Bitsy said everything I was thinking.

With summer here and school being out I’m sure you can find a young girl in your neighborhood who would like to earn a few dollars for a few hours a week of babysitting. And the benefit is you are still there but can concentrate on the tasks you wish to get done. It can become empowering doing those things yourself.

The only thing I’d like to add is the “in love” part. Almost everyone I know can say the same thing, they don’t feel “in love” with their partners. Relationships do change we don’t sustain the same feelings we had in the beginning it’s not really realistic. When it’s new it’s at the height of excitement, fantasy like, everything we’ve ever wanted. I don’t think I’ve met a couple yet that after a number of years together still remain as they were in the beginning. Relationships take work, some day’s hard work other days just a little effort but they do change.

The best advice of all is exactly what Bitsy said, being in “innerturmoil is NOT the best time to make major life changing decisions.

Try with some small changes; find a babysitter to give yourself a few hours for yourself.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 15, 2009
9:51 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey all,

Those suggestions about finding a young neighborhood girl to help out is great.

The part about not being in love really resounded with me. I also went around to find the "in love" part that I thought was missing from my marriage. That didn't work. I felt those "in love" crazy feelings but it didn't work in real life.

I'm working on appreciating the love I have which is that we're there for each other in times like you're having when someone is sick or having fun at a party. I'm also starting to take responsibility for the fact that things weren't good between myself and my husband. I kept looking at his flaws and not my own.

June 15, 2009
10:10 am
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innerturmoil
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Hi Lani,
morning..
thanks for your advice...
i know most people do not stay 'in love' for ever..
we really wonder if we ever were sometimes... (both of us)
i know the crazy 'in love' feelings in a relationship usually dont work out... end up getting really hurt in the end....
I do look at his flaws but i know that i have many.. that is one reason i came to find this site..
Bitsy, thanks for the advice, that flylady site is Good!
and as far as a babysitter ,, i dont think i would trust a 12/13 yr old with my precious little boy even if i was just mowing the lawn..that is part of my problem..trusting
idk where 2 find someone i trust 2 watch him...

June 15, 2009
10:36 am
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innerturmoil, have her play with him in one part of the yard while you mow in the other. Have her come play with him while you are in the house doing housework. I am not saying that you should leave him with a 12/13 year old with NO supervision. You are RIGHT there.

You have to let go just a little and as my 70 something year old neighbor told me when my own was just a toddler, I told her "who has time to be interested in sex" Her response was "You better GET interested". Now I know that hasn't been your complaint here, but could it be that you so so busy being a good mother that your aren't being a good wife.

Nothing is going to happen to your Baby Boy with you mowing the lawn and someone else watching him that isn't going to happen if you are right there in the room with him. And 12/13 year old girls are so impressed and fascinated with their new found baby sitting skills that you will be AMAZED. "Miss" played all sorts of games with with my Precious Baby Girl, they had tea parties and played dress up, they had a great time! Take it for a few "dry runs" before you actually get out in the yard. What if you actually HAD to leave him every day and go to work. Woudl you trust the day care? I can tell you from experience if you divorce your husband you are going to have to leave him with someone and get an outside the house paying job.

Bitsy

June 15, 2009
1:42 pm
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innerturmoil
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hey,
Bitsy, I gotcha,,;)
sometimes i am a little slow...lol
i dont really know any kids that age around here...
we just moved back in october..
trying to re-learn my hometown ..
i think i can relate to what u are saying...
o yea, by the thing about sex.. u are right bbut it goes BOTh ways,, i usually want it and he doesnt..
i think i am being more of a mother than a wife now, but isnt every new mother that way????
I think yall are giving me a hard time :)~

June 15, 2009
3:55 pm
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Depends on how old the baby is... and remember that men are just overgrown little boys. I am telling you, if you can be strong and independent it will go a lot further. Also think of it as preparing for the future. When mine was 2 I had no thoughts whatsoever of leaving her father. By the time she was 6 I hated him. Now she is 11 and he isn't so bad, but I still have to mow my own grass, take out my own trash, fix my own problems and pay my own bills.

Bitsy

June 16, 2009
10:07 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Inner,

I appreciate you sharing the part about sex. Media shows it's always the men who are pawing women for sex. It made me feel like a freak for awhile because there isn't any action here. My husband isn't often interested.

Bitsy,

You made a good point. Feelings about my husband go up and down. A couple years ago, I was ready to leave. But now, it isn't so bad because I've done a lot of work on myself. For myself, that was a big part of the problem.

June 16, 2009
10:22 am
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innerturmoil
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Bitsy,
i am sorry to hear about how awful the new man was to you..
i often think if i left my h,, i would end up with someone like that (or worse)..

Lani,
thank you for sharing,, that makes me feel better, there are others in that similar situation...

i realize in myself i need serious counseling ,, im just terrified to get 'real' help... idk why,,

o yea, the psychologist evaluated my MIL and said she has depression/ psychosis
they have her on some meds already but i worry if they send her home she will either take too many or stop taking them when she feels better.. you really cant do that with these drugs,, my husband is gonna talk to his dad but i still worry...
thanks for the advice...

June 16, 2009
12:13 pm
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Yes, but eventually it ended up I was always the one wanting sex. I have made love in over a year. I did have sex last October, but it was awful and I ended up crying. I had to close my eyes and pretend he was someone else. I just haven't bothered since then. The other night I had a dream about a totally unavailable man and someone that with my eyes open and completely conscious I wouldn't be interested in anyway. I think I dream about him becasue I know he is "safe" and he has been nice to me. All the dream really was, was that I kind of gave him a sideways hug and he said no I want a full hug, then later we were standing side by side looking at chicken coops! of all things and out hands sort of touched like we were about to hold hands but didn't. I woke up feeling that "sizzle". I used to love to touch my man. I am big on that, but no one has touched me in a long time. I also used to love the skin behind his ear. I loved that smell.

Bitsy

June 16, 2009
2:38 pm
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truthBtold
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inner,

Back in February of this year, there was a guest on the PBS Bill Moyers Journal show named Parker Palmer whom I thought has something very interesting to say along the lines that you speak of.

Here is an excerpt from that forum:

The title of the segment was: "Finding Wholeness in Tough Times."

Dear Mr. Moyers,

Every Friday night, I look forward to your Journal because it always introduces me to new and thoughtful people, such as Parker Palmer last night. The stimulating conversations on the Journal provide food for a lifetime of thought and growth.

Mr. Palmer’s comments about being present for someone who is in depression, or a dying person…
“You have to be with that person in an unafraid way. Not invading them with your fixes, not hooking them up to wires or whatever the non-medical equivalent of that is, giving them advice, but simply saying to them with your very presence, your physical presence, your psychological presence, your spiritual presence, I am not afraid of being with you on this journey of the — at the end of this road.”

This made me think of my own past circumstances, when I became the single parent of a child with muscular dystrophy and another child with bipolar disorder upon the death of my 42 year old wife from cancer eight years ago. And again with the death four years ago of my 17 year old son from complications related to his muscular dystrophy, and the tailspin for my bipolar son with the loss of both his mother and brother. What should be said or done in such moments? The too common tendency was to flee from these painful realities. Many did so.

My experience through all of this is best expressed in the words of Henri J. M. Nouwen…
“Still, when we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is the friend who cares.”

Indeed, being present to each other is what really matters. The friend who cares makes that gift clear.

Posted by: Denis Neville | February 21, 2009 8:21 AM

Inner, hope this helps some.

June 16, 2009
2:45 pm
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I think it helps us all. Thank you.

Bitsy

June 17, 2009
12:22 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hi
TruthBtold..
thank you so much for sharing your story..
makes me feel bad for complaining at
all..
How is your Bi-polar son doing now?
How are you doing now? thank you for writing...
MY MILaw... was just diagnosed... she has depression, psychosis, and dementia,,
my husbands siblings all want to try to take care of her without any outside help..
idk how we are supposed to take on that...
i guess we just all have to do the best we can and see how it goes..
thanks again for sharing..((truthBtold))

June 18, 2009
10:45 am
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truthBtold
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(((innerturmoil)))

(Actually, this story is not mine. I copied/pasted it from someone whom posted it on the Bill Moyers Journal forum.)

Although, I appreciate your sincere concern and comments all the same.

You know, there are just tons of 'caregiver forums' on the web nowadays - maybe that might help some.

In any event, you probably already know how important it is for you to maintain a balance insomuch as you own well-being and health are concerned right now too!

(((((innerturmoil))))

June 18, 2009
7:16 pm
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innerturmoil
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TruthBtold,
thanks,, sorry ,, i read wrong,,
i thought it was about someone else,, but i re read it 2x ,,i guess i tired,,,lala..
but thank you for your help.. it means alot,,,
I havnt been taking care of my own well being at all, everyone else's... i get called selfish if i need time away from my son and responsibilities, once a month or every 2 weeks ... i feel selfish for asking for it right now,, but God,, i need time 2 myself SomeTimes...
my husband will take our son to the park or somewhere occasionally but never more than 1 hr at a time,,
i guess i should be grateful for that,,considering,, but i feel like NOone in my life (except on here) even cares about my feelings/thoughts at all.. esp my husband..
thanks for listening..
what is your story?

June 18, 2009
8:50 pm
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truthBtold
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Inner,

Well....I CARE! and I am sure so do alot of other folks here too!!!!!

Being self-ish is not a bad word. Nor is it a 'bad' thing to want to do so from time to time.

If you were really selfish, than one, you would not even being posting here to begin with because you would be so involved in your own 'selfish stuff' to not even bother with this forum to begin with - so that ought to tell ya something.

Wish I could offer more right more, but I am kind of spent myself.

Perhaps someone else can take it from here........

June 19, 2009
11:41 am
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innerturmoil
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hey all,
hey truthB.. I had said earlier i felt like noone cared (EXCEPT) for on here.. i feel like the people on here are my only support right now..
thank you for your kind words,,
i dont know anything about u truthB..
tell me about yourself, or a thread that i could go to.. im always curious what brought everyone here, i wish i could meet everyone in person..
have u been to the coffeehouse,, it is nice and friendly in there..
thanks,,
((inner))
o yea, Sunshine, im glad you sound better today,,(last night) for you..
hope you are happy,, whatever time it is there 😉

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