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HELP ME BE MORE PATIENTAND UNDERSTAND ADDICTION.
April 2, 2007
8:21 pm
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kate78
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TDM,NAPPY,LETTINGO, THANK U ALL FOR YOUR TIME ALL OF U MAKE ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND THE CODEP. DEF AND MANY PEOP. SAY DIFF. THINGS ANYWAY,YEAH MY FAM. KNOWS HE HAS A PROB. THEY KNOW I WENT TO REHAB TO SEE HIM, BUT WE REALLY DONT TALK ABOUT HOW ANGRY IAM WHEN THEY ASK HOW HE IS I JUST SAY "FINE, HE'S GOOD". EVERYONE HAS THERE OWN PROB. AND IM JUST THE KINDA GIRL WHO SITS AND TALKS ABOUT HER PROB. WITH ANYONE. IM REALLY WORKING ON THAT. JUST BEING ON THIS SITE WAS A REALLY BIG STEP FOR ME. I
(TDM)FEAL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE DISEASE. REALLY A DISEASE?? IM REALLY TRYING HERE UP UNTIL I WATCHED THAT SHOW ADDICTION ON HBO AND ALL THOSE DOCT. TALKING THATS WHEN I STOPPED AND STARTED TO REALLY LISTEN. IM NOT READY TODAY TO GO TO AN ALANON MEETING BUT I WILL SOON IM JUST TAKING STEPS HERE AND THIS SITE HAS REALLY BEEN AN EYE OPENER. NO JUDGING, NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. ITS REALLY GOOD FOR A PER. WHO IS SO PRIVATE. THANK YOU ALL AND HAVE A GOOD ONE. THANK YOU KATE78

April 2, 2007
8:27 pm
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lollipop3
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TDM,

"the point is -- I would encourage you-to talk about it openly--if you think you will get support-- because IT was SUCH a relief!! to let that dirty cat out of the bag! It was SO HARD to PRETEND all the time.. To put on my happy smiling face to visit my mother-- and to pretend we weren't fighting when family would come...etc. "

Brings to mind the saying.....

"We are only as sick as our secrets."

There is SO much truth to that.

April 2, 2007
10:53 pm
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atalose
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no you don't have to talk at alanon meetings, not if you don't want to. It took me several meetings before I felt comfortable and even then didn't open up for a while.
You have to really hear what others are saying not just listening to them but hearing and gaining knowledge about addiction.
They say to give it at least 6 meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. I went to different ones until I found one I seemed comfortable with.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 2, 2007
11:00 pm
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thedogsmom
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that's a good one lolli. so much truth in those darn sayings--that before meant NOTHING to me and now with all this suffering-- those catchy phrases mean so much!

kate=- my thoughts too. After watching the HBO addiction a few weeks ago-- my thinking is changing and I'm realizing that I haven't done enough to learn about his problem or mine-- to do the right things.
I can't post much- I'm exhausted and am leaving for a few days of vacation with my sister. I will write more later. Hang in there.
TDM

April 3, 2007
1:17 pm
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kate78
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HEY EVERY ONE, YEAH THAT IS A GOOD 1." WE ARE ONLY AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS".VERY TRUE. IM TRULY THANKFUL FOR EVERYONE ON THIS SITE WHO TAKES A FEW MIN. TO RESPOND AND LEAVE FEEDBACK. THIS IS NOT VERY EASEY TO DO. TO TAKE IN OTHER PEOP. FEEDBACK BUT IM STARTING TO OPEN UP AND REALLY LISTEN, INSTEAD OF THINKING EVERYTHINGS JUST GONNA BE OK, WITH OUT ME TALKING ABOUT IT."IT IS HIS PROB. NOT MINE IM JUST HERE FOR HIM". THATS WHAT I THOUGHT THAT I NEEDED TO DO. HELP HIM GET BETTER BUT FORGETTING ABOUT MY SELF HOW HIS ADDICTION HAS REALLY AFFECTED ME IN SO MANY WAYS. THANK U ALL FOR MAKING MY DAYS BETTER. IM NOT ALONE AND JUST THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. KATE78

April 10, 2007
4:20 pm
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kate78
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HEY TO (TDM) JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOUR OUT THERE. HEY DID U SEE OPRAH YEST. THEY HAD THE CAST FROM THAT HBO DOCU. ADDICTION. IT WAS REALLY GOOD. HOPE YOUR TRIP WAS WELL. I HAVENT BEEN ON IN A FEW DAYS JUST BEEN SO BUSY. LET ME KNOW IF YOUR STILL OUT THERE WOULD LIKE TO TALK. I NEED SOME ADVICE. IM JUST TIRED . IM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TIRED, ITS SO EXHAUSTING. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IM NOT SURE I WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANYMORE,DO U EVER FEEL LIKE THAT?? IS IT NORMAL TO THINK I CANT, ICANT DO THIS ANYMORE. WHAT IF I MISS HIM GETTING BETTER I WOULD BE SO SAD. I DONT KNOW.ANYWAY THANIKS TO U ALL. KATE78

April 14, 2007
2:40 pm
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thedogsmom
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hello Kate,
Sorry I haven't written here sooner. My work hours are crazy and I'm afraid to respond from home as I'm scared he may be able to find this site and jeapordize my ability to post openly.

I missed the Opra special on addiction-but will look for the re-run. I taped most of the series on addiction- there were 14 shows in all-I still haven't watched all of them but what I did see is scary and informing.

I'm bumping up your thread in the hopes for both of us to get more information and insite on how to handle these feelings and our limitations on what we can do to help ourselves and our loved ones.

Yes I too- am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Worrying obessively and always on the edge of when the next disaster will strike is SO tiring and MADDENING. My anger is now turned inward at myself- because I am the one who REFUSES to follow my own advice and LET HIM GO-- and then I am the cause of my own grief and madness. I am angry for wasting so much time- for not respecting or living up to my own words or threats to leave him. I am angry at HIM for lying and manipulating and pushing my guilt buttons. I am angry at myself for knowing this but letting him continually USE me. I am angry that he messed up the trust - one of the MOST important things in a relationship. I am angry that I may NEVER trust him again!

My most recent thread if you haven't already seen it is "he's moving out and I'm scared". Got many thoughtful and insightful responses and advice.

In your case though, it sounds like you did find the strength to leave him at one point. TERRIBLY sad that that is when he decided to go to the harder drug "heroin". Really scary!
You took him back and it sounds like he is trying to work on his problems. It is normal to think that you can't do this anymore. There may come a point where you will KNOW that you cannot do this anymore. Where you KNOW that you will NEVER trust him again. I sadly haven't gotten there yet...
BUT... I did reach out and have an appointment to see a counseler next week and then to enroll in the 6 month codependency program to start focusing on myself this year! I cried my head off just talking to the woman and making the appointment. Guess I still can't believe this is my life.
Hang in there Kate. I think you should seek help again too-- to help you sort out the feelings of anger and depression.
((((KATE))))

April 18, 2007
4:57 pm
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kate78
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(TDM) HEY, SORRY IVE BEEN SO BUSY TOO, AND CANT GO ON THE SITE AT HOME. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE. I WENT AWAY THIS WEEKEND WITH A FEW FRIENDS. GIRLS WEEKEND. IT FELT GREAT I DIDNT THINK ABOUT HIM, OR WHAT HE WAS DOING OR NOT DOING FOR THAT MATTER. WE DONT LIVE TOGETHER ANYMORE I MOVED OUT A WHILE AGO SO ITS EASY FOR ME. IM SORRY I HAVENT READ YOURS. I WILL. I HAVENT TALKED TO HIM. ITS BEEN A WEEK HE KEEPS CALLING AND TEXT. (BS) LIKE "THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME", "CANT BEL. THIS". JUST REAL (FUCKIN) IRRITATING STUFF. SORRY. HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING BUT "I CHOOSE ME TODAY" THATS THE LAST THING I SAID. NOTHING HAPPENED IM JUST TIRED. IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT ALL. ME WORRYING, REHAB, HEROIN,IS HE OK. IM TIRED IM ADDICTED TO ALL THESE ADDICTION, INTERVENTION, SHOWS. I CANT BEL. THAT THIS IS MY LIFE. I WATCH THESE SHOWS HOPING IM GONNA GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT, THAT IM GONNA GET A GLIMPSE OF HOPE THAT THIS IS ALL GONNA BE OVER,NO ONE CAN GAUR. THAT. I KNOW BUT STILL WANT SOMETHING. MAYBE IM LIKE A STRICT SOLDIER IN MANY WAYS. THATS HOW MY MOM RAISED ME. I TRULY BELIEVE . IF 1 PERSON DID IT HOW COME THEY ALL CANT. IT IS POSSIBLE. REALLY, THINK ABOUT IT? IF THIS WERE ME I WOULD BE FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE EVERYDAY. I DONT KNOW MAYBE I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ADDICTION,AND TODAY I COULD CARE LESS. MAYBE EVERYONE TODAY SHOULD TURN THE TABLES LET THEM WORRY AND FIGHT FOR US, LET THEM PROVE IT TO US, LET THEM WORRY IF WERE GONNA STILL BE THERE. OH PLEASE HELP ME BE PATIENT BECAUSE I CAN SAY PRETTY MEAN STUFF. IM SERIOUSLY TRYING. IM STILL HERE ON THIS SITE, RIGHT? IF U TRULY LOVE SOMEONE, WHEN DO YOU KNOW WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH??? I GUESS NEVER. I WOULDNT WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME IF I WAS IN HIS POSITION.THIS IS WERE THE HEART KICKS IN AND THE BRAIN STOPS AND BRINGS US BACK. I GUESS THATS WHAT MAKES US HUMAN, FEELINGS. I HAVE ALOT OF THEM DISAPPOINTED, ANGRY, SAD, MAD FOR BEING IN THIS SITUATION. HOW DID WE GET HERE WERE NOT THE ONES DOING THE DRUGS, BUT WE ARE THE ONES SUFFERING. GOTTTTTTTA GO. KATE78. TRY TO GET BACK ON LATER.

April 24, 2007
8:04 am
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thedogsmom
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I 'hear' everything you are saying Kate. I think we are in the same frame of mind WORRIED- ANGRY-SAD-HOPEFUL then Helpless--and VERY CONFUSED as to what to do about it and where to go with these feelings.

I'm sorry I took so long to get back to you. I too 'escaped' my hell-hole at home for a few days. I went to a work -seminar in Boulder Colorado to get continuing education units with my with my coworker girlfriends that I haven't seem much of as they now work at a different hospital site. I too had a wonderful time and was temporarily "happy" and at peace. OF course-- in my solace at nights in my room I still couldn't sleep-- thinking of HIM. And when I would flip on the TV for distraction-- it was all about sadness and gloom of the murders there at that school. Depressing stuff- that I didn't want to follow or even try to understand.

I did relaxation yoga in my room and then when I woke up from sleep flipped on the tv again- and they were talking about which movie-stars were broken up by addiction and which stars seemed to be able to overcome it. GREAT-- brought my thoughts right back to my hell-hole.

Flipping the channel -- then led me to a church-site talking about marriage and singleness. The pastor said that some people should be happy to be alone-= that some people are better off and meant to be single and should NOT fight it or worry about it but just ENJOY it.
Maybe I'm one of those persons???
I truly have less angst and worry when I am alone. And I am not one who gets lonely or bored.

Sorry for the rambling here.. I just want to send ((hugs)) your way and let you know you are NOT alone. I too keep watching these specials on addiction. Even rented Sherry-baby- very GOOD and SAD movie about a young heroin addict fresh out of prison trying to get her life back to take care of her daughter. I followed that night off watching the movie about Johnny Cash and his crazy drug filled life. It's sad that woman like us are home watching these shows obsessively and filled with all this anger and rage'.

I think you are one step ahead of me because your man moved out. How did you get him to leave? or did you walk out on him? I'm sure the distance helps somewhat- but because he is stil calling you and believing in you- you too are not able to put him out of your 'head' and this is still causing you grief and worry and NOT letting you escape the drama of it all.
These men are weak. I'm not sure we can expect them to think like we think and do like we would do. It's hard to understand why they cannot just STOP and help themselves and HELP US?!! We deserve the love we give out to them.
One more thing I'd like to comment on your April 10th post "what if I miss - him getting better?-- I would be so SAD".
Well Kate- I understand this comment cause I think the same thing-- BUT truly.. IT will take him some TIME to get better-- and either you will still be there for him to live that happy life with him ..OR you will already have moved on and may be happy with someone else or even happy alone-- and IF that is the CASE.. you will NOT be SAD--- you will be HAPPY for HIM! Because you are a beautiful person with a good heart and that is why you are still trying to HELP him. You want the best for him- and sometimes it is for selfish reasons- cause you want to be with HIM... but truly-- IF he does get better down the road... then I am sure knowing he is OKAY will make you happy and at peace. Even IF you have a few moments of thinking..."what if I would have stood by his side? what would our life be like now?." That is Okay and normal-- but your life will already be better and hopefully you will be with someone that you can truly trust. Someone who loves you and treats you with the same honesty and respect and love you dish out. HE will also be able to move on and find happiness with someone else IF he is truly BETTER or CURED or whatever ...
Will check in later.
TDM

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