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HELP ME BE MORE PATIENTAND UNDERSTAND ADDICTION.
March 29, 2007
1:30 am
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kate78
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HELLO TO ALL, IM NEW TO THIS SITE AND JUST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. IVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR 7YRS, HE'S AN ADDICT HE'S BEEN CLEAN FOR A YEAR BUT IN MY MIND IM SO WORRIED ABOUT RELAPSE. PEOPLE SAY RELAPSE IS PART OF RECOVERY BUT I DONT BEL. THAT . I BEL. I THINK "YOU EITHER WANT TO START LIVING AGAIN OR YOU DONT". SOMEONE,ANYONE PLEASE HELP.

March 29, 2007
6:01 am
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Rasputin
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Kate! Welcome to this site!

Recovery or change is NOT easy or immediate within overnite. It takes time, it's gradual. Just visualize it...The body has been programmed to do all that kind of addiction for quite a while...all of a sudden, he, your bf wants to change. Kudos to him. You should stand by his side. However, Yes I agree replases or slip-ups are part of the process. Just be patient, applaud him. Your bf is admirable and is worthy of every respect. He is doing something many people are in denial about and even difficult to do.

Give him all the encouragement, support, love you can!

Kate...Has he given you any reason to suspect that he is not being sincere/genuine in his healing/recovery from addiction?

March 29, 2007
10:48 am
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Hi Kate,

Ras is right, recovery from addiction is a process, not an event. Your bf is doing great if he has been clean for a whole year, but there may still be relapses ahead.

There is a theory called the "Stages of Change" model of recovery, by two researchers called Prochaska and DiClemente. You can google it for a complete description; but basically they consider "relapse" a predictable stage in an ongoing upward spiral of recovery. So "relapse prevention" strategies are considered an important part of any plan to recover from an addiction (or break a bad habit).

That is something you might want to explore with your bf. Good luck to you both :o)

March 29, 2007
10:58 am
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lettingo
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I just wanted to suggest maybe going to Alanon. I was married to an Alcoholic/addict and I too worried constantly about relapses. It can make you crazy but it doesn't have to. You cannot control if you BF has a relapse or not. Some have relapses and some never do again. Something that is totally out of your control. Alanon helped me ALOT in dealing with this.

March 29, 2007
11:13 am
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atalose
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What kind of a program is your BF doing in order to stay clean?
What kind of a program are you working for your own recovery?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
11:23 am
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kate78
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HEY THANKS TO THE BOTH OF U FOR BEING HONEST . NO HE HASNT GIVEN ME ANY REASON TO BEL. THAT HE'S DOING SOMETHING WRONG. HE WAS A HEROIN ADDICT FOR A FEW YEARS. BEFORE ALL THIS HE WOULD SMOKE POT, THAN IT WAS THE PILLS VICO. OXY. THAN IT PROGRESSED TO HEROIN. WE BROKE UP AND I MOVED OUT OF OUR HOME AND DIDNT REALLY SEE HIM UNTIL HE DECIDED TO CHECK INTO REHAB. SO I NEVER SEEN HIM USE, THE HEROIN USE STARTED WHEN I MOVED OUT. IM JUST STILL VERY ANGRY INSIDE. IM ANGRY THAT THIS HAPPENED IM ANGRY THAT HE LET IT GET THIS FAR BUT IM ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR LOVING HIM, IS THAT NORMAL? TO BE ANGRY AT HIM, THE DRUG HOW IT HAS AFFECTED OUR LIVES? KATE

March 29, 2007
11:27 am
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atalose
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Of course you are angry and you have every right to be.
Again, is he working any type of program to remain clean?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
11:31 am
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kate78
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YES, ITS CONSTANT WORRY ABOUT HIM. HE GOES TO MEETINGS AT LEAST 3 TIMES A WEEK, AND HAS A ONE ON ONE COUNSELING WITH SOMEONE FROM REHAB. YES I DO THINK I NEED TO GO TO ALANON. IM NOT GOING TO ANY MEETING OR DOING ANYTHING FOR MYSELF, IM JUST TRYING TO BE STRONG BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO HELP MY SELF TO. THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME OUT AND BEING UNDERSTANDING KATE

March 29, 2007
12:12 pm
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atalose
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You've been with him for 7 years and it sounds like 6 out of those 7 years he's used. What are you worried about the most?
What has this past year been like for you and him since it has been the only time in your relationship where he has been clean?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
12:33 pm
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kate78
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YES, THE FIRST THREE YEARS HE WOULD SMOKE POT THAN A PILL HERE AND THERE THAN. I DINT THINK IT WAS A BIG DEAL, WAS I WRONG THAN THE PAST FOUR YEARS IT WAS MANY PILLS BUT IT GOT TO EXPENSIVE THAN WENT TO HEROIN. OUR RELATIONSHIP THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN VERY EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER,WE ARE STARTING OVER AND ITS HARD TO TRUST. IM ALWYS LOOKING AND STARING WAITING FOR A RELAPSE, HOW DO U BEGIN TO TRUST AND NOT BE WORRIED OR WILL I ALWAYS BE WORRIED DOESIT GET BETTER? THANS (ATALOSE)

March 29, 2007
1:08 pm
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atalose
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Most likely that worried feeling will always be with you given his history. Re-building trust takes a long long time. Actions not words makes all the difference.
As you know relapse is a part of the disease and can happen at any time for no other reason then addiction.
In your worrying do you find yourself doing things like checking up on him, looking through his things? etc. etc.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
1:49 pm
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kate78
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YES I BEL. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS . NO I REALLY DONT CHECK UP ON HIM. IM TRYING TO BE UNDERSTANDING HE GOES TO WORK COMES HOME AND WERE TOGETHER A LOT IVE LOOKED THROGH HIS CAR AND AROUND OUR HOUSE, IS THAT NORMAL.? ITS LIKE IM SO SCARED THAT THIS CAN ALL GO AWAY. WE ARE DOING VERY WELL BUT THEIR IS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY. SO DO YOU THINK I SHOULD JOIN AN ALANON GROUP?? IM JUST VERY BITTER, IM NOT USE TO THIS BEHAVIOR I COME FROM A FAM. WHO DOESNT EVEN DRINK, SO THIS IS REAALY HARD FOR ME, OR ANYONE. I DONT DO ANY DRUGS , I SMOKED POT OCCASIONALLY, BUT I CANT REM. THE LAST TIME I DID, I WAS A TEENAGER.

March 29, 2007
1:55 pm
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atalose
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I do strongly believe you should join an alanon group.
Your looking in his car and around your house means your lack of trust is very strong.
Can I ask, what are your plans if you do find something while looking?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
3:15 pm
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kate78
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YES, I BEL. THAT HE MADE ME NOT TRUST HIM. HE NEEDS TO GAIN MY TRUST BACK. IF I FIND SOMETHING , I DONT KNOW. I LEFT BEFORE AND REFUSED TO SEE HIM UNTIL HE GOT HELP. DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGG. FOR ME. IM SER. LOST, INEVER QUITE ADMITTED THAT TO ANYONE. I JUST DONT KNOW. THAT IS AN HONEST ANSWER. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO. KATE

March 29, 2007
4:11 pm
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atalose
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Kate,

Alanon, Alanon. I tell you enough how much that group will help you.
My suggestion on searching for things is: either stop looking or prepare yourself better for what you will do if you find something. Setting boundaries, giving yourself permission to plan ahead and have an exit plan if you must.
It sounds like he is doing all the right things he can do for recovery right now. Everyday he doesn't use is another day of trust isn't it?
I think focosing on the positives is the key but preparing yourself for the negatives helps balance it all out.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
4:21 pm
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atalose
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I can't tell you enough how much that group will help you..

That's what I meant to say.....LOL

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 29, 2007
4:24 pm
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kate78
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THANK YOU SO MUCH (ATALOSE). YES IVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I HAVE TO GO TO ALANON BECAUSE HIS ADDICTION HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON ME AND IM BITTER. I DONT WANT TO BE THIS WAY ANYMORE. DO I HAVE TO TALK WHEN I GO TO THESE MEETINGS? ITS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO TALK TO STRANGERS. IM SICK OF BEING ASHAMED OF SOMEONE ELSES ADDICTION.

March 29, 2007
5:08 pm
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lettingo
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Kate78, you don't have to talk at alanon meeting. You can just listen. The people are so awesome. If you don't like a group try a different one. Sometimes you have to try a couple to find the right fit. Please go at least 6 times before you decide whether it is right for you or not. When you are involved with an addict you become an addict to. You actually become addicted to the addict and what he is or isnt' doing and all the drama that goes along with it. So just like you want your BF to stay in treatment, you should begin treatment for your addiction. Unfortunately, even if you leave your BF, chances of finding another addict is very high if your issues are not treated. Alanon is awesome. Not to be dramatic but I believe it saved my life. I was living in HELL with my alcoholic/addict husband. I seriously considered suicide because I was in SO MUCH PAIN and felt like I didn't have any more strenght. I don't think I ever would have done it BUT I fantasied about escaping. Today, I am happy and healthy. Still hurting at times BUT NOTHING like I the life I had just a few months ago.

March 29, 2007
8:10 pm
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kate78
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LETTINGO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE, I REALLY DONT TALK TO ANY OF MY FAM. OR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS. IM A VERY PRIVATE PERSON. I ONLY TALK TO HIS MOTHER ABOUT THIS. I WAS REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT BEING ON HERE,IM GLAD ITS ANONOYMOUS. THIS WAS MY FIRST STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. THIS WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DO, IF U CAN BEL. IT. I ONLY TALKED WHEN I WOULD GO TO VISIT HIM @REHAB. THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND THOUGHTS. I DEF. WILL GO TO A MEETING AND TRY IT OUT. I PROMISE. MAYBE ILL OPEN UP IF THEIR ARE PEOPLE DEALING WITH THE SAME THING IM DEALING WITH, IT JUST MIGHT GET EASIER TO TALK AND TO LET IT OUT AT HOW ANGRY I STILL AM INSIDE. THANKS

March 31, 2007
9:13 pm
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thedogsmom
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kate,
Hugs to you. I'm sorry for your pain. I think I know what you are going through. and I think you've come here and are getting the best advice already.

Sounds like we need Alanon or a codependent group or counseling.

I too am very angry and very bitter. When I am not angry and bitter I am very dissapointed, sad or depressed.
When I am not sad or depressed or angry --I am hopeful. But it NEVER lasts. It turns into dissapointment and then terrible anger and rage. and then sadness and depression and then guilt and...so on....

I know that my anger is partially responsible for our lack of communication- It shuts him down --
but I can't seem to help myself. I am SO ANGRY that he can't stop hurting and lying to me.
I don't like being a bitter angry sarcastic woman. I have trouble talking in groups too and have never been comfortable with counseling..but I promised atalose 😉 too...that I would seek help.. and I will.

I wish I could help more. Just know you are NOT alone. I too am in love and ANGRY at my addict for messing up my life too!

Maybe we can share angry-full of rage moments and make each other laugh!
TDM

April 2, 2007
12:51 pm
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kate78
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HEY THANKS (TDM) ITS GOOD TO KNOW THAT IM NOT ALONE. YEAH THERE ARE DAYS WHEN THINGS ARE GREAT , THAN THE NEXT MIN. YOUR WORRIED ABOUT WHAT COULD HAPPEN. I DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER REALLY TRUST, THATS WHY I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. MY BOYFRIEND IS WORKING THE PROOGRAM BUT THERE ARE NO GAUR. AND THATS SCARY. BY THE WAY DO YOU WATCH THAT SHOW ON A&E ITS CALLED INTERVENTION, I LOVEIT. THEIR IS ALSO A NEW SHOW OUT ITS CALLED ADDICTION, ITS A DOCU. ITS ON HBO THERE ARE THREE PARTS LOOK ON ONDEMAND.IT REALLY HELPED ME IN A WAY, I JUST NEVER BEL. THAT DRUG ADDICTION IS A DISEASE. MAYBE THATS MY PROB. OR THE LABEL CODEPENDENT. WHY ARE WE CODEP. I WASNT BROUGHT UP IN A HSE WITH DRUGS OR EVER DATED ANYONE ELSE WITH THIS PROB. HE DIDNT HAVE A PROB. EITHER WHEN I FIRST GOT WITH HIM. CAN U HELP ME WITH THAT CODEP. DEF. PEOPLE SAY DIFF. THINGS . THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR TIME KATE

April 2, 2007
3:29 pm
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nappy
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Well number one, it is hard to be in a relationship with an addict. But before you can go changing him, you have to change yourself. You can't be in a relatinship with him and still hold all of that anger inside. He is trying to help himself but you are the one that is scared if he goes back and start using. That is something that you can't control. But what you can do is get help with yourself because if you are going to stay in the relationship then you are going to have to get yourself help. Even though they are going through the process of recovery, they have a lot to work on, not just trying not to use again, but to deal with whatever is making them use in the first place.
You probably have been codependent in this relationship and now your feeling are going to start coming out and he might not understand because he himself is codependent.
You may not start off being codependent but somewhere in the relationship you started to feel that you can fix him and you just can't another person. Sometimes addicts can go through this thing called dry drunk. They have the same traits just like when they was using.
Once you understand what codependent is, then maybe you can start helping yourself. You can't go on in life, thinking that maybe he will use or he won't use. That is his choice and there is nothing that you can do about it. I have been with a person after his recovery and I didn't like it one bit, that is why we are not together anymore. I refuse to put up with that in my life. I value myself more then that.
Nappy!

April 2, 2007
4:10 pm
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lettingo
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kate78, Just wanted to say something that I hope will help. For a very long time I didn't say anything to my family. It was my big secret. The reason SHAME! I felt ashamed for what HE was doing. I also thought I would have to tell them because he was going to get better. HE HAD TO! I NEVER imagined he wouldn't. My father was also dying at the time from Lou Gerhigs disease and I didn't want him to know and I didn't want my family to have any more stress. One day when things got really bad, I called me mom and sobbed like NEVER before. I told her everything. It was a way for me to face the truth. I couldn't pretent anymore because it was out there and I had to come out of denial. I am not suggesting to tell your family but I am suggesting that you get it out. YOU DIDN"T CAUSE THIS, YOU CAN"T CURE IT and YOU CAN"T CONTROL IT! Little by little in alanon I began to open up to what I had been living through and how bad it was. It was a HUGE weight lifted. I am just stressing that the shame and guilt or whatever you are feeling is normal BUT you don't have to stay there. We are not alone. But together "WE" get through this. No shame, no guilt just helping each other. Remember "you" did nothing wrong. Peace!

April 2, 2007
6:43 pm
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thedogsmom
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kate-- I know how how you feel. It's hard for me and many to understand "addiction" or "codependency" being a 'disease' rather than a choice or 'weakness'. I still don't know enough about it and am just learning.

My belief system was always that people make choices to use alcohol or drugs and then when they choose to do it frequently enough --some people get addicted to the point where they cannot control the desire and they cannot make themselves stop even when they want to. Like smoking tobacco. It becomes a habit and it is hard to stop because it changes something in the brain.
I never believed that it was hereditary/genetic or that it was a 'disease'. I STILL have a HARD time with this.

When I found out he was using METH and got addicted I was SO furious! I still am. I am FURIOUS that he CHOSE to do METH with the neighbors at the ripe age of 45!!
I went to drug rehab with him for three family classes and that is when I learned the term 'codependency'. I cried my head off at the sessions that described a codependent because they were describing ME! They tried to encourage me to seek help for my 'disease' and I was ANGRY because NOTHING is WRONG with ME !! I am fine! The only thing wrong with ME is that I am married to an addict and am stuck living with all his deciept and lies and stealing...and flaking out on work...and..all his secret girl and guy friends calling him on his cell....etc....
HE is the one who needs help. and HE is the one I felt should be held accountable for his choices and not just told it was a disease and he probably couldn't help it cause his dad is an alcoholic. I was the ANGRY, sarcastic, non-understanding bitchy wife--("no wonder he drugs"--is what I believed they were thinking") while HE was the "nice, friendly, poor man with this horrible disease.

anyhow, after suffering so much with the constant worry for the next bomb to drop-- I found this site in desperation--- and am SLOWLY learning .. about all of this.. but have a LONG way to go. I also always thought counseling was for weak-minded people who didn't have any friends--and that PROZAC was for those weak people who didn't have a "LIFE"...
My family whom I am VERY close too still believes this way. And I don't even know what to believe. I just know that I'm NOT taking care of myself and I am often feeling like I need PROZAC 😉 ..

anhow I am getting SO much help here--that I'm starting to understand what they mean by the word 'disease'.
thanks for listening-- more comments to you all later.
TDM

April 2, 2007
7:54 pm
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thedogsmom
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lettinggo.

ME too! I was afraid to tell my family because 1 )shame- my husband is doing drugs and doing BAD things and 2) because I didn't want them to NOT like him anymore- It's very important to me that my family approve of who I choose (thats again my codependency)
We both lied constantly to cover for his addiction and problems that arose with it.

But Kate --after the constant worry, always having to check to see what he is up to...and all that comes along with living with an addict---I started going CRAZY and feeling like I would have a 'nervous breakdown'- another terminology I thought was HOGWASH! So I Finally told my mother that I was going to leave him and I still was afraid to tell her it was drugs... but she suspected drugs and then I admitted it..(although she still doesn't know how long it has REALLY been going on).

the point is -- I would encourage you-to talk about it openly--if you think you will get support-- because IT was SUCH a relief!! to let that dirty cat out of the bag! It was SO HARD to PRETEND all the time.. To put on my happy smiling face to visit my mother-- and to pretend we weren't fighting when family would come...etc.

The pretending can eat you alive.
hang in there- these boards are a real LIFE-SAVER!
TDM

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