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Help! I've got 3 days to make an important decision.
October 18, 2003
3:06 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Hermione,

I'm soooo glad you're still around !

I don't understand how someone who has once had the guts to work on his issues can close up and refuse to work on them a second time. But I've seen it happen in other people too. I guess it depends on many factors, such as HOW they worked on their issues last time, to what depth. Because once we start a true path of self-growth, we cannot stop it. And most of all, we don't turn our backs on it.

I think that most humans have such little knowledge, get so little training on who would make a good partner, that our chances of finding the right person (unless we choose to devote much of our lives to learning at an adult age) are slim. Falling into a garbage bin is the default.

I think we cannot do anything when the partner is unwilling to move forward in awareness too. I believe that, at some point, our absence has better chances of getting something than our presence. Sometimes, the only control we can have over something is to give it up.

And how are YOU?

Guest,

And YOU?

October 18, 2003
3:38 am
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Lambent Lady
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Hi,
Having been through several co-dependent relationships before I wised up, I hope this will help you as it has helped me.
If you have a "controlling" person in your world, I wouldn't suggest "couples counseling" When I did this, my ex was all goodie two shoes around the counselor, but when we got home... every thing I had talked freely about he used as a club. Find a counselor for yourself and do the work it takes to regain your own sense of balence and worth. It's only when you don't "need" someone, that you can finally have a successful happy union.
I wish you well.

October 18, 2003
6:16 am
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Hermione
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You guys are great. I'm OK - not much relief in sight for myself just yet but I am planning to have some reiki and massage later in the week. This is all happening whilst my two best childminders (grandparents) are on an extended vacation so I'm pretty much on my own and aware that my son can't just stay with 'anyone' right now - he may go through separation anxiety again as he still does not really understand why his Dad has gone.

In the school concert he was a duck in a little play - he is five years old.

In response to you mafi,
I believe that my husband has gone through the motions of dealing with his issues but did not do this with the support of counselling or therapy - he read many 'self help' books and believed that was enough - its like he's done the work 'in his head' but not emotionally. He is adamant that he has dealt with his stuff because he can talk about it with me but I don't think he's talked about it with anyone else. He has not been able to be open about his situation with his family which has made things difficult for me - always having to watch what I say when around his Mum and others. I have respected his need for confidentiality but found it difficult to accept that people who had not been made accountable for their actions would be in contact with me and my son. I believe it to be irresponsible - but for the sake of my husband I did my best to deal with it as best I could. The fact that he is so unwilling to even look at the possibility that the issues are his - makes me feel that he is frightened to look.
I understand his issues as I share the same ones only the path that I chose was full disclosure and confrontation. I guess my husband may have been attacted to me thinking that I could somehow assist him, on some subconscious level, but now that its down to the line he's gone the other way.
All this speculation when it may not even be the reason - it may all be a smoke screen for the fact that he has found someone else and wants to move on - it doesn't change my situation either way.
I am really feeling for him right now but I know its really up to him.

I had a tough morning - lots of crying but I'm doing OK tonight - I'm really missing him and I desperately want to ring him but I know it will change nothing - I need to be strong.

How are you?

October 18, 2003
7:54 am
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Anonymous
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Hermione,

You sound like a very intelligent person who is quite ahead in her path of self-growth. I had been thinking about that possibility too, the smoke screen you mention and the reason behind it. Could be. But as you say, it's one possibility. You're doing the right things, I think, and thinking the right thoughts. As you say, he sounds like he's scared to go down into the emotional level of things. I just am very concerned that you get as many support groups as you can. If there is any possibility in real life, all the better. If not, just keep posting here, you can raise specific issues you're dealing with, in new threads too.

Please-please give a big smooch to your son from auntie mafi who wishes him all the very best from the other side of the ocean. He played a duck, hooooow sweet !!!

October 18, 2003
4:19 pm
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hmmmm mafi :-). do you beleive in god? (i almost dont). i'm wondering about life time commitment. isnt that stuff hard? why do you want it anyway? how about just chilling and relaxing and see where it goes. a life time of being emotionally available for each other only happens in the movies :-), yea? am i wrong?
hm.
am i emotionally available? sometimes. i'm not perfect and i dont think i should be or be able to be emotionally available all the time. what do you think? wouldnt i be a bore if i was available all the time? imagine the excitement of a warm fire that goes down and then flares up and has a life and mind of its own. would you like that or a stable gas stove that burns on a constant level? :d
i would take anything as long as it comes from the soul. like nature is unstable and changing, winter and summer, good mood and bad, available and NOT available. .thats the excitement of life.. is'nt it? or is it not?

oh.. finding the "right" person. let me share my beleif: its impossible to find the right person. when life is not perfect, its impossible to find the perfect mate. see? makes a lot of sense.
what then if we cant find the perfect mate? we can be ourself and enjoy with a nice person as much as we can. thats all we can and if we do that, its enough. is your current apartment perfect, or your car or the food you cook? nothing is perfect, niether is your mate, never will he be. the best is to live with what we have or what we think we can have and achieve it (finding a guy that you like, or like a lot, in the better case) and then just enjoy the time.
life's enjoyment is mostly enjoyment in ourself. they say love is not gazing at each other but gazing in the same direction. i think one has to be gazing in their own direction before they fall in love and then you find someone that more or less is gazing in the same direction. whats the direction? i think it just means being happy in our own lives.
to make your happiness depend on the coming of the right guy, means you'll not be happy. the satisfaction has to come from inside.
ok i'm not perfect either, but i know nothing is perfect and so no one can or has ever found the perfect mate.

a good partner is not a complex dream, its just anyone who's nice, thats it and if they look cute, thats good too.
notice how if girls are shown guys, they see many guys who they think are really handsome? if boys are shown pictures of girls, they'll think most of the girls are really pretty. thats how it is with the opposite sexes, we're just bound to like each other as long as we're nice, and thats all thats needed, i think. yup.

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