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HELP! I NEED TO HELP MY FRIEND
May 22, 2007
9:58 am
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nappy
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Hello everybody,
I hope that everyone is having a bless day. Well the reason for this thread is that I have a girlfriend of 30 + years and she is like a sister to me. I love her dearly but I see very much that she is going down the wrong path with this new man that she has start talking to.
They only have been going out for two months but the RED FLAGS are waving high and she just does not see it. Well she does but her thinking is more like, this man has a job, he has a house and he has raised two girl as a single dad. Now that may all sound good but this is the other things that she has been talking about:
1.) This man drink a 12 pack of beer a day. Maybe more because he drinks 24/7.
2.) He has told her that when they reach the 5 months mark, she is not going to like him.
3.) If she do what he say, this relationship will go the way it suppose to.
4.) He wants to see her every day and with those everydays, he wants to have sex.
5.) Talking about the sex part, he wants her to do things that she is not use to doing.
6.) He calls her maybe 10 to 15 times a day, wanting to know what she is doing, if she is going to see him after she has already seen him.

She is a wonderful person and I hate to see her go down this wrong path with this man. I wish that I could just shake her and get some sense into her head but I can't. I can only be there for her when she start calling me and complaining that she does not like this anymore. It has only been two months and this man is already controlling the relationship. I have already told her that after a while she is going to resent him. She will start to lie in order to not see him anymore but I don't think that he will let go very easy. He has already told her that she bet not cheat on him or else.
She has been single for a while and that is good but he has only been single for four months. He is very insecure with himself and I know that he has not cure himself of the past hurts but I do know that he will take it out on her.
I'm trying to understand and I have even ask her why is she doing this to herself. She is a good person and I would hate for him to take that away from her.
She told me that everyone has flaws but his action is not a flaw, it is controlling.
I told her that she was moving to fast and that she was to open to him in the beginning.
Now after two months, she is complaining about there sex life because with his drinking, he is taking longer and longer with her and she don't like it but she is not saying anything. She can't even move in the bed without him touching on her and wanting more. She is a morning person but he wants to keep her in the bed until he is done. She wants me to meet him but I don't want to meet him right now.

I really thought that when I would complain to her about my past relationship and how they were, I thought they was the worst, but they were mild compare to what she is going through. At least they gave me respect because that was one thing that I demanded. You respect me and I will respect you.
I guess people just don't understand that you don't have to rush into a relationship just because it there. Just because you start talking to a person that this is the one. You don't have to accept just anything because you are in a relationship. I know now that it is a difference when you enter into a relationship and not knowing but to know before the relationship begin and you still walk into that mess.
The only thing that I can do now is just be there for her. I just want her to be safe.
Nappy

May 22, 2007
10:40 am
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4harmony
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Hi, Nappy! I agree with you that there's really nothing you can do other than to be there for her. It is pretty obvious that there are a LOT of problems with this man. It IS amazing what people will put up with just to be in a relationship. And it's true that it's different if the signs are not there in the beginning, but the red flags are showing up loud and clear already!
I am the father of three children, and I know how hard it is when I see them making mistakes even though I have advised them against it. I have to let them make their own mistakes and then be there for them after they do. Of course I cannot take the repercussions of their actions for them! They will have to take them theirselves. I can only be their for moral support and advise them from that point. I know it must be tough to see her messing up like this. It's funny how clearly we can see other people's mistakes, and not see when we're making our own! I wish you luck, and I hope that she will take the advice you're giving. From what I've seen of your postings, you seem to have you act together and your head on straight!

May 22, 2007
10:40 am
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nappy
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Just bumping this up for a moment.

I just read on another thread where Ma Strong, said that some (woman or man) want to be in a relationship so bad that they make that person the center of there world, and willing to do it at any price.

I think that this is so sad because it is ashame that someone could make another person there world, there life and putting this person first but making themself last because they don't feel worthy. Just because they want to be loved, but can't say to themself that they love themself. Trying to make this person happy, when they are walking around being sad.
Letting another person direct there life when you as a person is the owner of your own life.

She called me a little while ago, she is a school teacher and he have called her on her classroom phone, four times since she has been at school. Next he is going to show up.
He is calling her to ask her is he going to see her tonight. And are they going to be passionate, he just seen her last night.
Nappy

May 22, 2007
11:02 am
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nappy
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Thanks 4Harmony,
I only say what I feel that she should try and understand and I also know that there is nothing that I can do for her but to be there for her.
I have learn so much in the course of my lifetime about relationships and peoples. I can only be a friend and to listen to her but it does hurt but as a friend, I have to step back until she wants me to come forward.

I just feel that when you come to a certain age in your life, you should know what you want, what you don't want and how you want to be treated.

I want to take her to my church group so that she can see some of the womens there that has been in this type of relationship and has been beating down so bad with life that they have shared with there partner and that they felt that that had to accept the bad treatment that was giving to them. Some are young in age but look so old from bad treatment. And you look in some of there eyes and you just don't see the woman that was so full of life and the hope that she once had.
I just feel that when you can't love yourself, you have just past on the greatest feeling that you can imaging.
Nappy!

May 22, 2007
11:03 am
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soprano2
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I had someone interested in me that acted like this. He started calling me about ten times a day, bought me expensive gifts, sent me flowers, showed up at work. It all seemed really wonderful for a while (especially since I have put up with so much crap from my husband).

There really is not much you can do about this for your friend. It is hard to convince her that this is questionable behavior. I didn't question it until I started saying that I could not see him on a given day or he couldn't come to school to see me. He would fly off of the handle. He had so many abandonment problems that any time I told him no, he did this.

It took me a while to realize that this was not healthy for me because it plays right into the fears of guilt and manipulation.

He still calls me once in a while, but I set my boundaries around me so that he cannot do anything for me or my kids.

I had friends that were quietly supportive of this situation while it was going on. They supported me because I was their friend, but they saw the red flage way before I did. And they were very happy when I told them we weren't talking anymore (and I was happy that they did not say "I told you so.")

It probably doesn't help you much. She needs to see the red flags herself before anything is going to change about this.

May 22, 2007
11:11 am
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loverbee
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I agree but you can maybe tell her just to be carreful. You are going to have to be that friend that is there for her but she is clearly under his spell so to speak. Just be understanding and I guess let it take its toll. Hopefully she will wake up and see the light.

May 22, 2007
2:06 pm
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CAMER
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she is in alot of denial (your friend) and yes, you can tell her how she feels, and hopefully she will listen.

I just hope she is not the type to let the "red flags" go unnoticed. Cuz most of them to me, are not good.

Talk to her, let her know how you feel, and with every excuse she may make for this man, tell her how you feel.

Maybe she is somewhat or alot codependent and just wants a man in her life and will do anything to have one.

Unfort. if she does stay with this man it seems it will be a hard road for her, esp. doing things she is not used to doing, and mostly doing the things to "keep him happy".

Give her a big boost on her self esteem, which may be sinking being with this man, and see if she can
see somewhat of the reasons as to why you needed to talk with her about this relationship going bad with the guy.

Good luck!

May 22, 2007
2:49 pm
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nappy
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Thanks for responding Carmer,
Yes my friend is somewhat codependent, but she has handle her life better well inspite of all what she has went through in life.
She see all of the red flags and you can tell that these red flags does make her nervous but she like all of us is looking for that special someone.
Well this special someone to me is a nut.
She looking at the fact that it is hard out here in this world trying to take care of yourself but she thinks that by being with this man or any man that her life will become easy.
Maybe it will or maybe it want but not with this nut. With this nut, her life is going to be pure hell.
Nappy!

May 22, 2007
5:18 pm
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nappy
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Well my friends,

My girlfriend has called me again today. We don't talk while we are at work because we should be working but she has called again. Only this time she don't know whether or not to be mad or shock or angry or what?

Now she is a school teacher with childrens in her classroom. She didn't tell the boyfriend where she really work at, just the area and guess what? He found her.

She said that she was shock and angry because he has came to her work place.
And she didn't even tell him what school but he came there.

she told me that he has some flowers for her but what he really wanted was for her and him to go somewhere to have sex.

He felt that school is almost out and that she wasn't doing anything wrong.
Now mind you, I told you that he had already called this morning with the same question. But the sex part was suppose to happen tonight. He is just a dog in heat and to tell you the truth, she wants me to meet him but I better not right now.

I told her that it was not his fault, it was her's. She should of put a stop to it before it has gotten this far, but she didn't. Now she is scared that he will find her home.

Now she haven't told him where she stay because she already knows that he will be at her house everyday, but she did tell him in what area.

Guess what? He will find her. And I bet before she leave the school today, he will be right outside waiting for her to get off so that she can go straight to his house and not her own.

I only speak english and I hope that she is listening but I can't do anything else about her situation.

She wants me to tell her what to tell him if that does happen (being outside the school).

I told her before this was going to happen that she should of left this joker alone.

Nappy!

May 22, 2007
6:23 pm
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fantas
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Nappy, I hate to say it but your friend will have to get beat down by life for her to get it. Like you said just be there for her when she realizes it. I think that you shouldn't encourage her to talk to you about how bad he is treating her unless she is really wanting to change this. This could be enabling. It's like letting a drunk tell you about their hang over each time they get drunk. Your friend doesn't know what her worth is. I understand this because I have been there and I wasn't listening to anything anyone said about my situation. More importantly I didn't see that i was in trouble and that my boyfriends were total loosers. It took several of those situation that got really bad progressively for me to really get it. So be there for your friend when she finally realizes she needs help. I think you are an amazing friend to have. I wish I had a friend like you when I was going through my drama...

May 22, 2007
6:33 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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you are a good friend. and smart to see the red flags. I hope that she figures out soon that this guy is no good.

May 22, 2007
7:03 pm
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nappy
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Well thank you fantas and Tiger Trainer.
Thank you very much.

I have always been a true friend and if anyone knows me, it is her.
she knows that I will only put up with certain things and she also knows that I want keep hearing the same story over and over again but I will be there for her once she hit rock bottom with this nut.

She also knows that she can call me whenever because she is my friend, but I want enable her of any kind with this nut.

Oh, she knows me very well.

I have always spoke my mind.

Nappy!

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