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Help! I need ideas
August 3, 2005
9:54 am
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shyshy
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I'm going on vacation next weekend with my bf and his family. I made up my mind that I want to break up with him soon after we get back. For lots of different reasons that I've mentioned in other threads.

I am codependent and I know I will get really lonely and depressed. I need some ideas on how to get through this. I don't have any family and very few friends.

August 3, 2005
9:55 am
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shyshy
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To make matters worse, I'll be turning 40 in December and I'm already stressing about how I'm going to feel.

August 3, 2005
10:22 am
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SexySadie
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Can I ask why you want to go on this trip with him if you are only planning on breaking up with him when you return. I don't know the story behind the two of you...but why are you planning on breaking up with him. Could you instead look as this trip as a new beginning for the two of you? Or would it be in your best interest to back out now and just eat the costs of what you have in it financially...

August 3, 2005
10:32 am
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ACryForHelp
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I agree...Going on the trip is a bad idea in my book...

It will either just confuse you and make him feel 'the victom' if you break it off less then a month after the trip...

He might see it as a you "mooched" the trip from him and will give him the power over you.

Just think about what he will tell everyone you know:
"Yeah, we go on this trip and everything seems fine...I spent money on her, I tried my best to *whatever* our relationship then *BAM* she leaves!"

Responce from friend:
"Yeah, what a gold digging B-"

If you are friends with the same people it woulc realy drive a wedge that would be hard to heal...

Don't give him the power to make it out that you are the bad one in the breakup!

Don't go...it may cost you some $ but it will save you in emotional and mental recoup!

August 3, 2005
10:39 am
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shyshy
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He isn't spending one red cent on me. We are going dutch. So that's a good thing. He can't say that I mooched off him and then dumped him. In fact, I am the one making all the arrangements and the reservations even paid for his tickets and his daughter's and grandson's upfront when I booked mine and he still owes me 100 bucks.

We have a long history of drama together. First, he is my ex husband's brother and my kids uncle so it was a really bad idea from the beginning. Second, he has gotten physical with me a bunch of times, mainly when he is crashing from cocaine.

Things have gotten better because I have learned to work around things to avoid the drama and have gotten emotionally stronger. that is why I am still going on this trip. Things are ok with us right now but, I know in the back of my mind as well as I'm sure he does that it will never work. He is too controlling and mean and uses too many substances for me to be comfortable with and we have discussed it in the past. He says that's who he is and I can't change him.

Besides that, I seriously think he is still obsessed with trying to impress the mother of his kids whom he hasn't been with for over 20 years!! Long story!!

August 3, 2005
10:52 am
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shyshy
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Another reason I want to break up with him is because I know I need to spend some time alone. I think it would be the healthiest thing for me to do but I know I will be depressed.

August 3, 2005
11:29 am
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Molly
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Ahh , my story is ..... Me and my now ex were head over heals in love . In last year i starting getting demanding , jealous etc . I pushed him to the edge many a nite . After a feed of drink one nite i told him twas over ! Next morning he said i hurt him and that i got nasty etc . He said he wasnt sure about us anymore , that the business failing is getting ontop of his plus he is a single parent so finds that hard too . At mo we on a break . I am finding it hard as i do believe it is my fault for pushing him . He is putting up a stuborn front . The ball in his court now for our future . His last words were that he will ring me durn week , as the last few days we have been fighting with bitter words via tex and email . PHEW ... Better in than out , ehh .. I am worried i am clinging onto the hope we'll get back and if we dont i'll be gutted !!!! HELP

August 3, 2005
11:38 am
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Rasputin
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Hey Shyshy,

I commend you and am very proud of you for recognizing that you are in unhealthy relationship and want to break it off.

Here are a few suggestions about the best tools and means to survive your detachment:

- Codependency no more by Melody Beattie/Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

- The language of letting go: Daily meditations fo Codeps by Melody Beattie.

- Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

- If you feel scared or bored by being alone, in particular if you haven't been alone for a long time, a pet will help give you company.

- Develop your spirituality: You are not alone in this process even if it does not feel so! There is ONE bigger than you who is watching you and you can confide in HIM. This process will help you to become strong, confident and independent.

Best of blessings!

~Love, RAS~

August 3, 2005
12:04 pm
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shyshy
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Ras, thanks for the suggestions. I read the books codependent no more and women who love too much. the other two I will have to pick up.

As for being alone, I really won't be alone because I have two kids at home and a dog. By alone I guess I mean emotionally.

I have no family to rely on and feel like I don't belong anywhere. I've put up with so much from my bf because he gives me a sense of belonging. Because of who he is I have a long history with his family. In a sense they became my family as well. Letting go of him means having no family at all and that scares the hell out of me!!

No family or friends, no one to turn to, no one to relate to. All alone in this world so to speak with two kids I am responsible for.

I also have a long history with the Lord. I was a born again christian of four years when I met my ex husband and during that time I went through some major drama both with my husband and my family.

My parents both died of cancer. I had six brothers, five of which died of AIDS and now I have one brother left who never calls me and is always too busy.

For a long time I was mad at God for taking my father till my husband came along. He was everything I dreamed for and felt like he was a gift from God.

I married in the church believing that this was the man God had for me. He was my soulmate. Then he started acting out in the gay lifestyle and once again I questioned Gods intentions. I lived through 8 years of emotional and verbal abuse and then 8 years of infidelity before I finally called it quits.

I think that was one of the biggest reasons I became so codependent and clung on to my ex for dear life and now I'm doing it with my bf.

I stopped going to church shortly after my ex and I split. I kept going and believing for a while that he would realized he didn't want to be gay till one day I was sitting at home watching a movie with the kids, one which I found incredibly boring and his sister called me and asked me if I wanted to go out.

That was the beginning of the end of my life with Christ. I went out with her that night, went out with her a couple of more times and her brother joined us at one point and that's how we hooked up.

I've been back a few times since then but I feel like I'm being a hypocrite. I only go back when I'm feeling really lonely and depressed. I do not want to end up in a codependent relationship with God because then I blame him for everything bad that happens to me.

Besides that, I have so much history and memories that it just scares the hell out of me to think of serving God right now. Too much pressure for me.

August 3, 2005
1:28 pm
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Rasputin
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Sweet Shyshy,

Your story brought me to tears and broke my heart. I have never had glimpse into your life. Even though I read many posts by you and responded to few of them.

I come from dysfunctional family as well. My mother is unemotional mom. I was rarely hugged, complimented or acknowledged by her. I am the scapgoat and blacksheep of my family. Why? Because I am the most sweet, sensitive, wise, peaceful, romantic kid in my family (4 sisters & 1 brother) & my parents consider these qualities as stupid & defects. If you want to have glimpse and flashbacks into my childhood and the healing process I did, I recommend you to read my thread "PTSD & Abuse." Therein, I posted depiction of my whole life upto the present.

Before I started my healing process -which was 7 years & 1/2 ago - I was so Mad at God. I blamed him for everything that had happened in my life. My mother, why he did not provide me with warm, healthy, emotional one. I blamed him for my oldest sister's abuse, my only spoilt brother's abuse and all the other abuses, mistreatments from my family and other strangers that took place in my life.

During my healing process, I did not see any therapist/counselor. I was so scared and phobic of people anyway. All I did is I received in my mail magazine about Christian Book Club. In the catalog of that publication was book about emotional healing from author who was raised up mentally-ill mom. I ordered that book right away. I believe God put that publication in the mail in my way to bring me back to him.

The book is entitled "Finding Peace for your heart" by Stormie Omartian. Excellent book about emotional healing that is both spiritual and psychological, that will take you step by step (7 Steps).

I have been recommending this book to so many folks here who went thru the same trauma of emtional stress, abuse, family dysfunction...etc.

Right now I do not go to any church, coz I am unable to find good church in my area, one I can click into and find true believers. I requested relocation to another town 1 year & 1/2 ago, and still waiting & praying about it.

Shy, I highly recommend you to purchase Sromie's book. Available on amzon.com

Oh, since you have 2 kids and dog, they will keep you for sure busy even very busy. Dog needs to be walked everyday. Kids need lunch, laundry, attention, teaching etc. So, you won't suffer from loneliness.

I only have one kitty. She is my best friend and gift from God since I found her astry and adopted her.

Honey, keep me posted. Glad to know YOU. You sound like interesting smart lady! Again I am very proud of your decision to detach from unhealthy relationship.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))~RAS~

August 3, 2005
1:50 pm
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shyshy
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Thanks for all your kind words Ras and I will look into that book.

I will keep you posted.

August 3, 2005
2:14 pm
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kathygy
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shyshy, Being alone is a great time to work on developing a loving relationship with yourself. If you do that you will not feel alone because you always have you. Do you keep a journal? I find that helps me a lot to write everything down. As you develop a relationship with yourself you will feel stronger. Look in the mirroe and tell yourself you love yourself and say nurturing things to yourself. It really works. I would also attend 12-step meetings for support and then you won't feel so alone while you are working on yourself. Keep the focus on you. You are whole and complete just as you are. In time you come to feel that if you do the work. You are worth it.

love,
kathy

August 4, 2005
7:45 am
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shyshy
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I thought I posted this response yesterday but for some reason it's not showing. Maybe I posted it on another thread? Who knows. anyway, Kathy, I used to write in a journal till I realized I only wrote in it when I was depressed so I stopped.

I think I will look into attending some group even though I really don't have the time, I think it will be good for me.

Thanks for all your input.

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