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HELp!!! i need advice
February 18, 2005
1:58 am
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squrrel
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Hey guys, i have known about being codependent for some time now and have tried to work on it. My partner and I have been together for nearly a year and a half now, and our relationship has been plauged with relentless fighting. when this relationship first began it was all smooth, except for the fact that she disliked my friends, well, 4 months into our relatinship we were with eachother all the time 24/7, and when i would go to see my friends she would get mad and we would fight. I couldent understand why so i just went with it. I would still see my friends though, well after a month of fighting it came down to her saying "you have a choice, me or your friends" so in the back of my mind i was thinking its unhelathy but i chose her because i was madly in love and i figured that she was worth not haveing friends. well after 2 or 3 months, i was feeling pretty lonely, and the fighting continued about little things that should not be faught about, like the way i eat, she even maid a scedule for me to follow in the morning and if i didnet follow it she would get mad. well i had saved up some money and i baught a new truck, which i was planning to bag and bodydrop( make it real low). well my partner didnt like my truck and she thaught it was stupid, well i liked it. a few weeks later i started to work on it, well she hated it. Its about christmas time and we had started saving to buy her a 2005 vw passat, a $31,000 and mine was $10,000, anyway i helped her save by giving her my paychecks which averaged out to be like 200 or so dollars a week, and i was fine with it a first and then i started getting tired of having no money and nothing for myself but i kept helping. For christmas i got around $700 in cash, and i had been planning using it to buy some parts to start on my truck, well when i told my partner she flipped, she was like "u want to spend money on you car and not me" and she was like " you love that stupid truck so much, i hate when things come before me". well she had it in her head that my truck came before her because i waned to spend money on it, even though i had been giving her my paychecks for 3 months stright. well i came down to her saying " if you spend money on your truck that means it comes before me and i dont want to be with someone who puts things before me" so i jsut gave her the money for her car, thinking that after we got her car i could buy the stuff for mine. well we got her car, she had also recently moved in to my house because her mom is and abusive alcholic and she jsut truned 18 so she got out of that chaotic situation. well i started saving money to buy stuff for my car but i only saved maby like one paycheck a month, and spent the rest on her, well i had eventually come up with the money i needed and baught the parts, and my partner filpped, she was like " i cant belive u, all you do is spend money on yourself" and " u never put me first" " you spend all your money on that stupid truck and never have any for me" well in reality i spent 3/4 of my income on her and nothing else. so i had the parts jsut sitting in my house, and im about to install them and she gets mad, she was like " if you loved me you would wait until i get stuff for my car" and " you never put me first". well my partner is a extremely jelous person and we have faught about me lookin at other girls( by that i mean, lookin a some one so you dont run into them when you walk past them, or if there in front of you in a line and youo are behind them, you can let your eyes look that them.) .. so i was like ok ill wait, and it been a month now and i really want to put them on, and tonite she saw a truck magazine in my room and went ballistic and ripped it up, she said that i " am obsessed, and she dosent want to be with some one who is obesessed with something other than her" so basically she told me that if i didnt sell it or not work on it than she was going to find someone else who is obsessed with her. so i am here on my computer trying to find out what i can do, i do damn near everything for the girl, even her english homework. i jsut dont understand, she thinks im obsessed with my truck and the truth is i just want to make it the way i want it. well i really dont know what to do, i dont want to sell my car because she is taking the situation and blowing it up way too much. i mean so what if i read a magazine about my car what does it matter? i still love her and she is still first in my life. I dont know what to do, i just wish she could careless about what i do to my car, and not get mad at me for it. i dont know what to do, if i sell my car i will have no friends, no hobbies, my only intrests will be her. i just dont know what to do, i dont want this to make us breakup, i wish she would just comprimise with me and undersand my side. can anyone help me????

February 18, 2005
2:13 am
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GullyFoyle
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Whew, take a deep breath and relax. I got winded just reading your post.

You know, that's the great thing about writing things down. You can go back and re-read them.

"I would still see my friends though, well after a month of fighting it came down to her saying "you have a choice, me or your friends" so in the back of my mind i was thinking its unhelathy but i chose her"

I don't know about you, but I try to pay attention to my "gut feelings". It has actually saved my life and others when i do so. But when i don't, well, i sometimes make mistakes.

I noticed you said that you don't understand, but I think you are closer to understanding than you think.

"I dont know what to do, i just wish she could careless about what i do to my car, and not get mad at me for it. i dont know what to do, if i sell my car i will have no friends, no hobbies, my only intrests will be her. i just dont know what to do, i dont want this to make us breakup, i wish she would just comprimise with me and undersand my side."

What kind of a truck is it?

Gully

February 18, 2005
2:28 am
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squrrel
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ya sry about that, i dont know what to do about her, i want to work things out but i dont know how to start. its a 2001 chevy s-10.

February 18, 2005
2:31 am
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uptoolate
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Wow squrrel, she sounds like a control freak. Everything has to be about her and none about you.

Think about this: if you continue to let her rule you and everything you do, you will wind up resenting her and pushing her away. You can't think of her and only her for the rest of your life! And she is wrong to expect you to. She obviously has some serious issues to want to control you like that.

People build walls around themselves and try to control everything and everyone in their surroundings when they have been hurt. That is their only defense against being hurt again. She probably doesnt even know she is doing anything wrong, she is just accustomed to acting this way, Probably learned it very young. Maybe, with her mother being an alcoholic, if thats the way she grew up, has alot to do with it.

But you will wind up miserable in the end if you let it continue. You can't live your life for someone else.

February 18, 2005
2:40 am
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squrrel
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so do i try to work things out with her and see if she realizes what she is doing? or is it a lost cause, ive been dealing with this for over a year and we have broken up before, but it always seems like we come back to eachother no matter what happens. Its like i cant be with her and cant be without her.

February 18, 2005
2:44 am
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GullyFoyle
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uptoolate has some very valid points.

You say you are codependent and have been working on it. Then you probably know how these kind of relationships end, especially when the partner doesn't want to compromise.

It's a bad situation. A lot of times, understanding can guide you in the right direction. But it is still painful and confusing, no matter how much you know about the situation.

So basically, she was controlling you from the beginning. You know, it gets real lonely without any friends.

Gully

Nice Truck. Tonneau cover?

February 18, 2005
2:50 am
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GullyFoyle
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squrrel

"so do i try to work things out with her and see if she realizes what she is doing? or is it a lost cause,"

You're asking us to make a decision for you. The people here share what has happened or is happening to them and only share their experiences and solutions.

You still have to make the choice.

What do YOU want?

February 18, 2005
2:51 am
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squrrel
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ya, its just so hard to be with someone for so long and having them just dissapear.

no, but its dropped 3,5, shaved tailgate, door handles, 3rd brake light, and some interior mods. and i have the air bag parts sitting right next to me, but well u know the rest

February 18, 2005
2:58 am
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GullyFoyle
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I know. The same thing happened to me. My wife of 21 years just left one day. Talk about some raw emotions. It was tough.

But you know. It was a good thing. For one, I wouldn't have met some very special people here at AAC. Sharing with them has cleared my mind, helped me start making some decisions on my own and started helping me heal.

But it wasn't all AAC. I got help from some outside sources. Have you thought about that? Talking to maybe a professional or something?

Gully

February 18, 2005
8:53 am
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eternaloptimist
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Hi Squrrel!

after reading the part about the morning schedule I stopped reading. You are obviously an adult. She is showing a total lack of respect for you in several ways. I know it's tough to leave a situation because you have been in in for a while, but if you plan on staying in this, plan on being controlled for the life of the relationship.

My best advice would be to sit her down and set some boundaries. If she can live with them, Great. If not, you'll find out soon and feel comfortable moving on. You have to decide what you are willing to accept in the relationship. It takes both of you to make it work. There simply can't be one dominator. Trust me.

Good luck, and have a Great day!

Eternal

February 18, 2005
9:04 am
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CAMER
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Hi Squ..i can't tell you anything different and must agree that she is a total CONTROL FREAK...it would be good to set some boundaries, and see if she is willing to COMPROMISE in some way, if not, this is how you want to spend your life??? you do have choices and I do wish you the best. You need your friends too, too much of just her will drive you crazy, you need balance with everything in life. Best of luck!

February 18, 2005
12:03 pm
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mosher1yr
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OK here you go, this is what you do because if she loves you then she will understand.....fix the truck. then thats one thing down and you wont have to worry about that anymore. Because you all worried about the truck but at the same time your worried about what she is going to say or do i mean is your truck about to break down? so i mean just get it out of the way and then you wont have to worry about it then sit her down and tell her to turn down the control

February 23, 2005
11:09 pm
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never_alone
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so do i i'm hopeless

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