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Help! I am lonely tonight.
July 12, 2007
7:48 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Hi guys. I went to the chamber of commerce, business after hours tonight, but am already home. Thursday nights were always R's and my date night. My daughter is with her dad, and I made several phone calls to people to go do something tonight, but everyone has their own life. I am at loose ends tonight. I tried to get some work done, but just could not focus. I came to the discussion site to see if there was anyone I could help, but couldn't see where I would be any use to anyone. I haven't had to entertain myself in a long time. Tonight R and I would have had a drink at a local sports bar. Played some trivia, decided if we wanted to go out to dinner or if we wanted to go home and cook. I am now at home by myself with a kitten and a computer.
What have the rest of you done when you found yourselves newly single and alone. I can't really take a long hot soaky bath like I would like, because the tub is too small. I really don't feel like cooking just for me. I don't want to go to bed because it is only 6:47. I could read a book or I could watch TV. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am fine during the day, but I really miss him in the evenings. I have no one to tell how my day went or what I am planning for tomorrow. I have no one to listen to tell me how their day went or what they have on their schedule for tomorrow. How do you get past this hump and get to the other side? What has worked for others out there? This could be a good discussion if others will participate.

Bitsy

July 12, 2007
7:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bitsy....

I know that it isn't the same, and I haven't been where you are....BUT...

You can tell us what you are doing tomorrow. We will listen.

((((Bitsy))))

July 12, 2007
8:23 pm
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Tthanks Michigan. I had to stop and cry a while before I could respond to you. I am feeling like a really screwed my life up by being with R. I am hearing from just about everyone around me that I am better off without him. He was telling our friends that he was never going to marry my. I was satisfied with things the way they were.
Tomorrow I am doing the last day of 100 Days to Greatness ( a real estate training program). I have been writing 5 personal notes to people each day this week. Tomorrow I will send out a letter to everyone in my database telling them that I am changing my business plan to a referral based business and that I am never too busy for their referrals. Everyone I talk to in real estate assures me that this slow down is temporary and that if I can survive it for the next 18 months I will know more and be a better agent than those who jumped in and sold real estate when it was easy. See this is where R came in handy. He is a builder, but he also has an MBA. I could bounce these ideas off him, and get his feedback and support and advice for how to make my business better. Every time I listened to his advice in a business situation I made money. I don't have that network now. I would love to tell him what I am doing and get his feed back. He would probably take the canned letter I am sending out tomorrow and tweak it and make it better. He would also have some sort of advice for follow up next week. One thing I know is that a couple that I have a lot listed for them and am trying to list their house has twin daughters who are having a birthday party Saturday. They will either be 3 or 4. As part of this plan I probably should do a Pop By tomorrow and leave a small gift for the girls to cement the relationship.
Tonight I am missing having someone just put their arms around me and kiss me and tell me they love me. Tomorrow morning would be my late morning in the office because I woould have spent tonight with R. We would sleep until 8 am just because we could tomorrow morning. We would get dressed, discuss what we were doing for the day and maybe make plans to meet for lunch. I would go by the house he has under construction and take him some ice and bottled water. I would walk through the house and make comments about the paint colors, what I liked about the house and what I thought could be made better the next time he builds that plan.
He probably will be laying tile tomorrow until his knees start hurting him, then he will run trim work. The house should be finished the end of this month or the first of August. It is already sold. so I would chat a bit with the people who are buying it, and make a mental note of something to get them for the yard when they move in. Maybe a hydrangia. I would then get back to my office and make a few phone calls. Maybe go show a couple of houses or preview them.

Bitsy

July 12, 2007
8:47 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am sorry that this is such a tough time for you. I hope that you know that things will get better. You have to keep looking forward. If all of your friends tell you that you are better off, maybe you are? That is a choice that only you can make. What do you think? Do YOU feel like you are better off? You may be happy in the long run. You need to be with someone who loves and respects you Bitsy. That is SO important. We ALL deserve that.

Tomorrow, I think that I am going to just try to enjoy being with my kids. I want to try to do a little more with them. I am home with them, but I don't really spend the time doing things with them that I should. I have four beautiful children, ages 10, 6, 4, and almost a year. I haven't felt up to doing much lately, because I am recovering from a hysterectomy...but, it doesn't take much to at least lay and watch a movie with them. I think that especially my 10 year old is really missing her mom. I need to be a more active part of her life.

I hope that things start to look up for you. I am sorry that things are sad for you right now. I am sorry that you are feeling lonely. I KNOW that feeling well. I believe that better days are ahead...for you and I both. Whatever that may mean....I believe that. I have to. But, if what you need now is to grieve, and cry...you do that. You have support here. We are here for you.

((((Bitsy)))))

Love, Mich

July 12, 2007
8:47 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((Bitsy)))

I am newly divorced. I was with my ex my entire adult life and totally understand how you feel.

One thing that helped me is to do some kind of ceremony to close that part of your life. I burned some pictures (for more info on that read the thread "chelonia is overwhelmed need support advice hugs" or something like that- would have been a post around the end of May). Since then I have changed my routine. I go to bed earlier, get up earlier. I have been reading a lot. Working to reorganize my house, moving furnature etc. I also spend a lot of time on the computer.

I can also relate to the missing how he helped you professionally. My ex was the local photo editor (he has since quit and gone back to school) and I am the public relations officer for several nature centers/parks in the area- so he always gave me a heads up on things and made sure my press releases were covered often. Since we split I have had a harder time doing that part of my job just because I remember and miss him and think that I can't do as well by myself. I have since done several media related things that were successful. I have just learned that I may have a different approach, but it is mine and it works too. When I was with him, I told myself I couldn't do it- but I am now discovering that I can. It is very empowering to be successful (granted it was after a few initial failures) doing it on my own.

The first bit is very hard... but it gets easier as time goes by.

It sounds like you are doing well with your real estate business. You sound like a very friendly person who definately goes out of their way to be nice to others.

I find that whenever I feel lonely, I just come here. The Coffeehouse is always a great place to go, even if no one is around... you can make up anything you want there.

Hugs,
Chelonia

July 12, 2007
8:53 pm
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sad sack
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HI Bitsy,

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and lonely this evening. I can see that you are hurting.

As I said in an earlier thread that you were involved with, I do think it is important that you learn how to be comfortable with being in your own company. It is almost as if your entire identity was wrapped up in this relationship and you are lost now that it is over.

Even your last post was entirely about what you (and R.) would be doing tonight, would be doing tomorrow and so on.

I don't know the background of your relationship and/or the breakup. But, it appears that you have yet to let go (which is certainly understandable). But you need to shift gears. YOu need to shift the focus to you. What are your interests? Who are your friends? What activities do you enjoy that don't involve R.?

There are many things you can do to occupy your time. You can join local groups that share common interests. You can volunteer your time and reach out to others who are in need. Or you could just stay home and read, or watch a movie, or do some household activity, etc. The important thing is that you take the focus off of R. . That part of your life is over. I know it hurts but you have no control over that. I am glad that you are starting a new career. ANd I wish you a lot of luck with that.

Well anyway, I know this evening is difficult for you, but I know things will get better.

Keep posting. We are here to support you. Try to do something positive for yourself tonight.

I wish you well.

Sad

July 12, 2007
9:13 pm
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The longer I am away from him (I haven't seen or talked to him since July 3) and the more people call me and tell me things the more I know that it probably is for the best. I just don't know what to do with myself. We were supposed to go see the Goo Goo Dolls the first of August. He'll go I won't. We were building a spec house together and I am sure I am no longer included in that deal. Everyone I know is married. They don't want to have to entertain a single woman. When I was married, my husband never wanted to do anything. I was lonely then. Now he is all social and invited placed and I am not. When I was with R, he and I created our fun together. We would ride down to the beach in his convertable. I mentioned that I wanted to go to the Jackson, MS St Patricks day parade so we went. I don't know what to do by myself. I am not fun by myself. Money is really tight for me right now. I had tried to make plans to go out with a friend tonight, but she never called me this afternoon and I left her a voicemail earlier in the day. I know that next week, next month, next fall I will be better. It's just hard getting through tonight. All the negatives are crashing in on me and I am having a hard time being optimistic.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I read them, go do something around the house. Cry and come back. I wish maybe that I could just cry all night and get it out of my system. I wish there were some magic words that could make me instantly feel better, but there aren't. I haven't hurt this much since I was a teenager. My head knows he is not worth it, my heart doesn't.

Bitsy

July 12, 2007
9:23 pm
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And what really sucks is that I am on here spilling my guts and crying over him and apparantly he hasn't given me a second thought. I wish I could just get pissed off and tell him to go to hell.

Bitsy

July 12, 2007
9:35 pm
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sad sack
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Take this time in your life to work on your relationship with yourself. The fact that you have repeatedly said that you don't know what to do with yourself is simply alarming to me. I know this is so corny, but it is so true - you need to be your own best friend. You should not be looking for others to make YOU happy. That should be coming from within.

If all of your friends are married, then find new friends. Join clubs, partake in activities with singles, volunteer, etc. And most importantly, begin enjoying your own company.

When will your daughter be back? HOw old is she? Focus on her, as well. She will only be with you for a very short time, enjoy and treasure each minute.

Stop obsessing on what you would have been doing with R. It serves no purpose and it is only making you sadder.

Well, I will be going to bed soon. I am so tired. I spent the entire day (all by myself) walking around Manhattan. I had a great time, but I am wiped out.

Good night.
Sad

July 12, 2007
9:40 pm
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Honolulugal
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Go ahead, and tell him to go to hell. Over and over, in your mind.

You know what? When people who mean sooo well tell me that "you're better off without him" or "lose yourself in work", it just rolls off my back. Even though they are so very well intentioned, the fact is, that it is cold comfort, indeed!

Sure sounds like you had a remarkable relationship. I'm sorry, but what exactly happened to end it?

H-gal

July 12, 2007
9:49 pm
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Honolulugal,
I wish I knew. I spent the night with him on Saturday night. I got up Sunday morning, we made love, got dressed, he went into his office to work, I went to my new house to settle things. He called me Sunday night to ask a question, told me he would call later. I didn't hear from him Monday. Tuesday I briefly saw him when he told me that I was a user and all I had done was use him and his mother and take advantage of them. Apparantly in his mind that ended our relationship and I haven't heard from him since. He went to the beach Tuesday, stayed down there for the 4th. Acted like an ass. Hit on other women. Almost got kicked out of a club. Invited friends of ours down. Left a nasty message on my voice mail telling me to go to hell. I wish I knew. One day things appeared to be working themselves out (we had had a rough patch) the next his mother was really mean to me telling me I had imposed on him and from there things went down hill. I refuse to call either of them and her especially since she is still holding 500 dollars of a security deposit on a house I was renting.

Bitsy

July 12, 2007
10:04 pm
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northernlights
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Well,when I am feeling really down, I rent a movie. If I want to cry really hard, then rent a sad one. Sometimes it feels better to be crying about something other than what you are going through, but you still get those emotions out. On ther other hand, rent a funny or drama and you just get your mind off of it for a while. Do you like to plant? Plant a pretty plant (flower)for yourself.

July 12, 2007
10:19 pm
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Honolulugal,
One of my best memories is of the Outrigger Waikiki. We had a wonderful vacation there. I loved your city.
One of my goals in life is to bring my daughter there for a visit.

Bitsy

July 13, 2007
9:21 am
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Good morning everyone. I made it through the night. I even slept.
At 10:53 pm R forwarded me a text message that I had send him before...kind of weird. Then at 11:00pm he called. I was asleep, so by the time it registered with me that my phone was ringing and I answered it he had hung up. I lay in bed a few moments pondering what if anything I should do, but obviously fell back to sleep before I could do anything.

Bitsy

July 13, 2007
10:26 am
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sad sack
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HI Bitsy,

I am glad that you made it through the night without any major dramas. And I am also glad that you missed his phone call.

I am confused about the breakup. You say everything was just fine one day and then two days later he is telling you that you are a user and that you should go to hell. Something doesn't ring right with that scenario. What is the basis for him AND his mother calling you a user? And had this been an issue before?

Well hopefully, you will keep busy today. Good luck with the day. Will you be spending time with your daughter today? How old is she?

Well whatever you do, continue to think positively. Focus on yourself and your daughter. This guy doesn't deserve a minute of your time.

Sad

July 13, 2007
10:58 am
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He is a builder and built two houses next to each other. I sold the two houses to investors from another state. His mother is also a realtor and I set her up as the rental management company on these houses. It ended up that we were both renting the houses and living next door to each other. We were both gettting a 10% discount on the rent since it was his mother. My dad had been living with me, but when he moved out I could no longer afford the house on my own. I decided to downsize.
All this is posted on other threads but long story short his mother got really bitchy and kept telling me the house wasn't clean enough, all sorts of things. The house was never finished, because I was moving into it (the cobblers children have no shoes). Anyway she had a fit and said some really ugly things to me and told me I had imposed on R long enough etc. I walked next door to ask him what was going on and that is when he told me I was a user and had taken advantage of him and his mother.

Bitsy

July 13, 2007
4:55 pm
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sad sack
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Bitsy,

Thanks for sharing your story. I have somewhat of a better idea of what happened. It is unfortunate that R. did not side with you but instead, took his mother's side in all of this. That must hurt a lot.

I do hope you are having a good day even though I know it must be very hard for you.

I hope you will be able to enjoy the evening and the weekend. I know for me, the weekends are the hardest (I, too, am the product of a breakup). Even though our situations are completely different, it still hurts a lot. I try to keep busy because the more time I have to think, the sadder I become.

I wish you a very good evening. Try to do something fun this weekend.

Sad

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