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HELP...How do you get thoughts out of your mind?
March 11, 2000
12:04 am
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Being Co-dependent, I fins myself always thinking about what the person is doing, if they are cheating, calling someone else on the phone, avoiding me, lieing to me, trying to break up with me ect/...
When you find yourself paralized by those thoughts and can do nothing to get away from them, what do you do?
How do you start to change your thinking so you don't think those things?
How can you stop that process?
I am in therapy (starting next week) and I am taking Buspar, and clonopin for the attacks, but is there a golden rule as well???
Thanks again!

March 11, 2000
12:12 am
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p.s

I also make up issues for no reason, like I will make an issue if i don't get a call at a certain time, or if I get no call at all....I assume that if I don't get called that they aren't thinking about me, and I am the only one who cares about the relationship.
I also get mad when he says something about doing things in the future like traveling, and I wonder if I am included. It's immature thinking on my part, but the feeling is always triggered, and I feel at that moment I am going to loose him, and that I might as well end it now, cuz it's just going to end anyway, but I have done thins in every relationship I have ever been in, and the cycle has to end...it's not him, it's me, and I am sick of my reactions, I know they have nothing to do with my relationship, thay have to do with some deep rooted feelings of abandonment and hurt, how can I start getting past that?
Thanks to all who replie!
Love you!

March 11, 2000
9:15 am
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janes
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10 treat others as ou want to be treated...would you want the love of your life doing these things to you.(probly yes right now)

So you are having fun wallowing in your misery...getting a certain affirmation that you are being treated wrong by everyone else when you are treating your self wrong. YOUR ARE MORE THAN ANOTHER PERSON. That other person can do all the things you expect and you would still find fault.

Start telling yourself what you are telling us...it is NOT them..it's me...when your mind starts to hammer at you...write it down..."it's not them..it is me.
Write is a hundred times. then go one to something else. this will not improve over night. it will take time.
Write positive things too "I am okay on my own" "I am a whole person" etc. You have to start belieiving the good things about you before any one else wil really believe them...
You are much farther along on the road to a true whole self than you realize. You tell us good things that you know about you already...you already see the trouble spots. reread what you have written to us and put it in a journal....

When I was much younger I liked the wallowing in the poor me stuff too. In the long run it only helped to keep me down in the dumps.

You are absoulutely right...it's not him it's you. You can change...you are changing. Back off of him. TELL HIM what's going on... he'll either stay or go and you will live on. You are going to be doing some big changing and he may not be able to keep up anyway.

Take care good lcuk

March 11, 2000
9:19 am
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janes
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10 treat others as ou want to be treated...would you want the love of your life doing these things to you.(probly yes right now)

So you are having fun wallowing in your misery...getting a certain affirmation that you are being treated wrong by everyone else when you are treating your self wrong. YOUR ARE MORE THAN ANOTHER PERSON. That other person can do all the things you expect and you would still find fault.

Start telling yourself what you are telling us...it is NOT them..it's me...when your mind starts to hammer at you...write it down..."it's not them..it is me.
Write is a hundred times. then go one to something else. this will not improve over night. it will take time.
Write positive things too "I am okay on my own" "I am a whole person" etc. You have to start belieiving the good things about you before any one else wil really believe them...
You are much farther along on the road to a true whole self than you realize. You tell us good things that you know about you already...you already see the trouble spots. reread what you have written to us and put it in a journal....

When I was much younger I liked the wallowing in the poor me stuff too. In the long run it only helped to keep me down in the dumps.

You are absoulutely right...it's not him it's you. You can change...you are changing. Back off of him. TELL HIM what's going on... he'll either stay or go and you will live on. You are going to be doing some big changing and he may not be able to keep up anyway.

Take care good lcuk

March 11, 2000
1:59 pm
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That is golden advice...thank you!

March 13, 2000
12:33 am
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BROC
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Is techno BOY a boy or girl?

B-

March 20, 2000
8:20 pm
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chris-tina
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i am exactly the same way. although i knew it was a problem, i never thought of it as codependency. what do i do from here? i am in thearapy for bi-polar disorder. i hesitate to bring this up with my therapist though becuase i don't want to complicate things and draw focus in my sessions away from more important things. but, this is tearing me apart and ruining relationships. help.

March 21, 2000
7:55 am
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hazza
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Hi All,
I used to be SO the same, if i was in a relationship and the other person mentioned the future, even saying things like they wanted to go travelling or college or whatever, i would feel so scared and insecure. It comes down to fear of being abandoned. amonst other things!

i don't have much advice other than over the years experience has taught me not to sweat so much about these things that "might " happen. Often they don't anyway, and many things can happen between now and then.

I remember with my first boyfriend, i was worried about him going to college for about 2 yrs all through that time it made me blue from time to time, but as things turned out before he went i had finished with him anyway!!! so i spent all that time worrying for nothing,

You have to constantly be aware of -
are you worrying about what IS happening or what MIGHT happen???
if you are worrying about what MIGHT happen, then this is part of you co-dep, ODC, Phobias, Depression, call it what you will, as it can be present in all those conditions. You cannot control the future, you cannot control anyone else, that is the conflict that is causing you the pain, becuase you are trying to figure out ways that you can control the future so that these people / situations do not hurt you, and that is impossible.
It is this worrying and the constant trying to ensure you are not going to be hurt that stops you enjoying the present moment for what it is. if i had the answer as to how to stop doing this then i would be a completey healthy cured millionaire!!! so i can't tell you how to stop fearing the future but i know that the more you practice letting go of what MIGHT happen the easier it gets.
I just try to be aware of what i am thinking and RELABLE it, ie- ask myself "is this reality? am I worrying about something I have no control over? am I making this issue bigger and more frightening in my own mind just because the thought of it scares me?" most of the time i realise that i have got things out of perspective and just keep telling myself to let go of the worry and remind myself of the logic rather than focusing on the emotions i have that can be out of perspective.
Just try your best to question your thoughts and be aware when you are obsessing. that is a good first step, you can say to yourself " okay, i am scared of this happening... but i know that i am worrying too much and i will try to remember that i have got things out of perspective next time i worry about this"
try to think back to other things that you have worried about, did they turn out as bad as you had thought they would? often we imagine far worse that reality. it is easier sometimes for us to imagine pain, becuase we are used to that, some times it is less familiar to imagine things being okay, imagine that the person does care for you, they aren't cheating etc. Have they given you any reason to doubt them, or do you find yourself imagining most of the "evidence" when in reality there is nothing suspicious?
You have to just work at retraining the way your mind thinks. It has had so much practice at thinking negatively that for you brain to make those connections it is really easy. Physically your brain can think those thoughts quicker, it can be mapped out by scientists literally!! but with more practice of thinking positivly you can make you brain better and better at making the happy thoughts as you build stronger pathways in your brain for those happy thoughts to travel along, just like working a muscle, you can work your brain!
this is all things you can do to help yourself, it is not a solution on its own, but it is a good thing you can do to play your part in trying to change the ways you are thinking.
OCD and related conditions, do respong VERY WELL to this kid of cognitive training, it is a major part of the treatment of such conditions. So it is worth a go isn't it. But it takes time, relaxation, postive thinking, retraining your brain and challenging your negative thoughts, all work but you must practice it as much as you can, and constantly challenge those negative ways of thinking. Be patient, these things take time, but you will learn more and more about the way your own mind thinks and be able to recognise when it is fear talking rather than logic, once you see which one is telling you these things you can act accordingly or chose to ignore the silly stuff your brain tells you sometimes and say to yourself "oh, that is just my anxiety talking, not logic, i am worrying too much about this, and taking it too far in my mind "
Peace
Hazza

March 21, 2000
8:46 am
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lost soul
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Hi Hazza, brilliant post!!!
yes, we people constantly worry about the things/situation beyond our control.

You're right! Possitive thinking P.T. P.T. P.T. P.T...........

March 23, 2000
1:09 am
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natural
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hi there...i don't think you have a problem that needs therapy...there is a tendecy in all of us to be the same...it is just in different degrees...turn these thoughts to positive thinking...so ask yourself every time you have a thought...so what can this add to me or to my life...usually the answer is nothing!... we are all human and that is natural...don't worry...and good luck

March 28, 2000
3:49 pm
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jace
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Hi guys, just wanted to say your all right, glad to see theirs others out their that are trying to get stuff out of their heads like me. See Ya Later.

March 29, 2000
8:14 pm
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Molly
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I have been like that too. I learned in a seminar that most of us have monkey brains. Just picture the cage of monkeys
jumping back and forth. Now I take all the monkeys and put them in order, can I controll this no, so I send the monkey to the park. I go through all my monkeys, if there is something I can change I do. If nothing else I will send the monkey to his cage, and tell him he can come out for this much time today, until it is resolved, but definate time limits
The other tool I use is yoga. It is the best physical, spiritual, and emotional gift I have given my self in a long while. It takes lots and lots of practice. Lots and lots.

April 2, 2000
12:55 am
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clara
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It is very difficult. I believe the thoughts will always be there but it is how you respond to them that makes a difference. I am going through that right now I want my thoughts to be gone but they are not but I do have the choice of what I do with those thoughts. Isnt life very complex? I find it works for me to be able to talk about them. I do not know what you are going through but for me it is a big release when I do not let them control me but I conrol them. For example I have a lot of memories of things that took place as I was growing up I am choosing to not let them haunt me daily but to release them. I also find my strength from God he is the almighty healer. I hope something helped you. I encourage you to keep pressing on.

April 12, 2000
8:09 pm
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bugs
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When i read your discussion title i couldn't help but respond to it.
Now i don't know much about this stratagy so if your interested you will have to look it up, but it does fall under the behavior therapy catagory. The strategy a behavior therapist would use for your problem is called Thought stopping.
thats all i know, but maybe it will be of some use. The method does not focus on the cause of the problem, it just focuses on how to stop thinking unessasary thoughts.
good luck

April 12, 2000
10:32 pm
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Ima
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I waste so much energy thinking through "If that happens, then I..." I think it's so I won't fear, or that I'll be prepared if "that" does happen. Of course, most of it never happens. What a waste!!! Is that what you're doing? I hate that! Thought stopping sounds good to me.

April 13, 2000
8:08 am
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hazza
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hi all,
i find myself constanly aware of my thoughts now, and if i am going into what i call negative thinking ( ie what if....oh no....) i actually say STOP to myself in my head. I remind myself that this is my anxiety talking, not logic and remind myself that i want to live inreality not fear. i remind myself that whatever happens in life, i will cope with it, i do not have to be constantly "looking over my shoulder" in case bad things are there biting at my ass.
it is a concious decision to change your thoughts and at first it feels unatural. but your mind is like a muscle, all those thoughts that you think are part of you, and just chemical signals that you brain has had more practice in making than other more positive ones. when you practice positive thoughts it gets easier the more you work at it, because you PHYSICALLY make those thoughts easier to have in you brain. You actually build up the conncetions so your mind can "make " that thought easier. like when you walk in snow, the first steps in fresh snow are hard going, but once you wear a path, you can skip along that path quite easily and you have trodden down that snow.
the negaive thoughts are already well worn paths through snow in your mind. as you keep on walking through the snow in a new direction, that path too will become easier to walk down.
this is not imagery, this is physical connections!
so go for a mind work out!it will seem pointless at first, but that is just because you are wading through fresh snow.
peace
Hazza

April 15, 2000
8:10 pm
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NatureL
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Just want to clarify -- I am not the other poster called "natural" who wrote you in March...not that they didn't say good stuff! More importantly, I think that if you're having recurring and unpleasant thoughts, this is a sign of depression and can be helped by therapy and antidepressants. It's not unusual to have inappropriate thoughts, as long as you don't act upon them. In the meantime, practice refocusing those thoughts. When they occur, tell yourself you will NOT repeat the thought. Then go to think about a pleasant experience you may have had at ANY time in your life, such as a pleasant vacation at the beach, or anything that made you feel good and happy. Also, get busy doing things to keep from thinking about your problems. Get involved helping others, doing sports, exercise, positive things, reading, writing, not sitting all day in front of the TV and computer which tends to isolating. Good luck.

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