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Help, he just ended it!
August 2, 2004
1:14 am
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balancesekr
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I pushed and now it's over. I have been discussing ending it with my b/f for a few days now. He just told me I was mentally abusing him and he was done and hung up on me and turned his phone off.

I just haven't been happy with him. We haven't been able to get to the level. His work schedule is aweful, no room for anyone practically, he works day, night, weekends. I just feel horrible right now, maybe this is what I wanted? We are both very frustrated and have been struggling for a awhile.

Is anybody here to support me right now? Help?

Balance

August 2, 2004
2:00 am
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annastar
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Hang in there- everything happening for the better. God has a plan and knows what is he doing!

…Got same thing this morning. He told me- he will always be my friend…

August 2, 2004
6:00 am
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babysteps
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Balance,

Sorry I wasn't here when you needed support. I am here now and will continue to be here; if you need anyone to vent to, know you can post and I will respond.

I am sorry that the situation with you and your b/f had to end the way it did. I don't feel as though your "pushing" is responsible for what happened though. Your boyfriend drew a line as to what he felt comfortable with. As much as it hurts and as angry as you may feel, he obviously reached a point where he needed to put his needs first.

Remember: his choice is simply his choice. It DOES NOT reflect your worth as a person. For me, I have a very very hard time separting rejection from my own esteem. In other words, rejection is a way of someone telling me that I am not good enough. Yet, I am learning that that is not the truth and that we are NOT responsible for the decisions of others.

Balance, you are not responsible for what you boyfriend decided to do. In rereading all your posts, you were well aware of all the aspects of your relationship that did not seem to be meeting your needs (ie...his dependence upon others, his job, etc.).

Maybe instinctively you knew you wanted out of the relationship, but were too afraid to initiate it yourself. I remember with my ex, I was constantly starting fights possibly with the hope that he would end things. If that had been the case, I would have got what I wanted. I would have been able to say to myself: "See? All guys are the same; they are all assholes. And you aren't good enough."

Try to remind yourself that whatever will be, will be. The situation is now out of your control; trust that it will work itself out somehow. I know it's much easier said than done. Take everything I say with a grain of salt; it's much easier to give advice than to be brave and step up to the plate.

Honestly though, you are an incredibly kind, intelligent, intuitive, and trustworth person. You deserve NOTHING but the best! Maybe things will work out with you and your ex in the future; maybe you will find someone so incredible that you will be blown away by how wonderful things can actually be. Regardless, use this time as an opportunity to improve you...no matter how much it hurts.

Keep your head up; I am here for you Balance!

Baby Steps

August 2, 2004
9:40 am
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CAMER
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Balance: hope you are feeling a lil' better, and just know that I have been thru many of breakups with men in my life, and yes, I am still alive!! and functioning...just going thru the pain of missing someone, and thoughts of "why" did this happen, even though deep down I think we all know why it happens, just was not happy and getting along.

Now is the time to focus on YOU, don't let this man get the best of you, even you said you wanted to end it...and what good is a relationship if you don't get along, and espc. since he seems to work around the clock.

I guess things do happen for a reason, use this time to feel your feelings, cry, scream, vent or whatever it may be. Things will not always feel like this. Take things one hour at a time and know that you did your best in the relationship, its just things did not work out.

My hugs and prayers go your way, and I will be here if you need to talk.

((hugs from camer)))

August 2, 2004
10:26 am
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balancesekr
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Thanks Baby Steps and CAMER,

I didn't go to work today, was up really late last night, I'm going to a CODA meeting and I'll post when I get back. Keeping my head up!

((HUGS))
Balance

He didn't call me at all!

August 2, 2004
10:43 am
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Bianca
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Hey Balance -

I am so very sorry. As another person who has been stranded in limbo, I know how horrible it must feel.

Please know that I am here for you... and will probably be joining you in another week or two (maybe even this week at the rate things are going)...

Please continue to post, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

-Bianca

August 2, 2004
10:45 am
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fairy99
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Balance

Hope you are doing better today. Endings are tough no matter how it's done or by who. It sounds like this was what you needed to do and you should be proud you took the step you needed. Keep your chin up and have a great day today. HUGS to you.

August 2, 2004
11:09 am
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CAMER
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Balance; have fun at your coda meeting, when i go to mine I absolutely love it....just knowing i am not alone and the support there is magnificent.

Please post again and let me know how you are doing.

hugs from camer

August 2, 2004
12:37 pm
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mimster
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balancesekr - Your breakup is very, very, very much like mine. My b/f said I was mentally abusing him; said that he felt like an "abused spouse"; that I emasculated him; that I constantly made him feel like a bad person.

I really know how much you are hurting. But listen to babysteps. That is best advice ever. Things happen for a reason, and we can't control them.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself, and be patient. I know that is sooo hard to accept. I always want everything to be fixed NOW. And that is just not possible.

Use this time to step aside and really think about what YOU want. What YOUR needs are.

Also know that there are so many of us out there who share your story. I am thinking about you and I wish you strength.

August 2, 2004
1:41 pm
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kathygy
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balancesekr, you have my support and prayers that you find peace and comfort. Its natural to want him to call but its not a rejection of you if he doesn't call. He has his own issues that have nothing to do with you. However, I would do some soul searching to look at my part in the relationship so that I can grow from it. Just keep remembering that he wasn't available given his hours away from home and you weren't getting your needs met. This may well be a blessing in disguise. The best thing that could happen to you. Spend time feeling all of your feelings. You might make a list of all of the characteristics you want in mate and see how many he matches. You deserve the best. Hugs!

August 2, 2004
1:46 pm
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kathygy
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I just want to add that I would ask myself if I was being abusive in any way towards him. If the answer is yes then I would call him and make amends for that. If not just let it go.

August 2, 2004
3:59 pm
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balancesekr
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I am back from the meeting, it went well, it was the best thing I could do for myself today. I am holding it together and trying not to think of how adorable and sweet my ex is.

Regarding me being abusive to him.. all has to do with that I've been complaining about his schedule, he says he's working hard now so things will be easier later, however, I am the one struggling with him never being around. He says, believe me I don't want to be working this hard, I'd rather be with you. Then I think, bull, he could change or take one more day off... then I guess I get angry because I think, it doesn't bother him that this upsets me. He says yes it does... long story short, I left him a voicemail yesterday saying I understand he has to work and doesn't like that it makes me unhappy.

When I spoke to him later that night, I was angry I just said in order to be with him, you just have to fit into to his schedule cause he's no budging. This is when he claimed mental abuse. Is it abuse? I don't know.

August 2, 2004
4:04 pm
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balancesekr
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What's sick is as soon as he's gone, it's over, I want him back? Why?

August 2, 2004
4:24 pm
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CAMER
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because you were used to him,you were with him and you probably miss him (the good times)...now you have to think of the bad times you have had, and how he won't budge on his job, and trust me, breakups are so hard to do, the pain, the thinking, the agony, the "why didn't he call".."what is he doing" etc...it fills our minds up. Now is the time to fill you mind on what YOU want to do with YOUR life now. You have been with him b4 and know how he is, do you think things will ever change now??? Keep the focus on you, and I wish you the best!!! hugs from camer

August 2, 2004
9:08 pm
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babysteps
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Balance,

I agree with Camer's suggestions. As mmuch as it sucks right now for you, take this time to get to know you and figure out how to be happy with yourself. You are an incredibly kind, sensitive, and wonderful person...try not to lose sight of that!

Let us know how things are going! I am here for you. πŸ™‚

Keep your chin up,
Baby Steps

August 2, 2004
10:05 pm
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balancesekr
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Everyone,

I am struggling right now. It's my first night that me and my b/f are broken up. I cried my eyes out before. I have this fantasy in my mind of him changing and coming back, probably not healthy to think. I feel like any couple has to overcome struggles and I am just scared that I will fail again in the next relationship. I fear the next few weeks of hanging with my friends going to the gym and developing my life... I just feel the goals are just the same crap... career, social, I just don't know what makes me happy. I sit here right now wishing I was with him, I think I'd feel happy. I just feel maybe I wrecked it, I wasn't happy when he lived with me. Yet, if I was with him now I think I'd be happy, I just feel I don't know how to be happy or something, I go so far in a relationship and then tear it down. I just remember when I did feel on baord with him, I am just sad because I feel I pulled the plug, left emotionally a while ago.

Balance

August 2, 2004
11:03 pm
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brendalee
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None of this crap is easy!! I am sooo thankful for this forum to vent and get some real sincere support. Don't know what it's like to stand in anyone else's shoes...but I know it hurts. It really f&*((*^% hurts!! For the first tme in 9 years after my divorce I met a younger man whom I thought was "it" I mean hook line and fricken fracken sinker! Made me "gush" for the first time ever, like those porno sights that you hear of like I had never known before!!! Surprised even myself! (I hope that I am not offending anyone -just being really honest.) Then I realized that I was confusing sex with love...thanks to dear ole pedophile dad - the wonderful role model that he was... Anyway, he stood me up. I'm still reeling. So many layers to work through. Have to find out how to really and sincerely LOVE MYSELF first in every way before I can even consider inviting another humen being into my life. This crap ain't easy!

August 3, 2004
6:45 am
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babysteps
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Balance,

You should be proud of yourself for admitting that you are struggling with the situation rather than putting on a front and pretending as though you feel okay about it. I think after a break-up, we all have the fantasy of the guy coming back, telling us how wonderful/beautiful we are and how they can't live without us, and then living happily ever after with them. God damn fairy tales!! Hee hee. While it may not be healthy, it's natural right now. This is an emotionally uncomfortable situation, and I don't blame you for fantasizing about the relationship working out. Just remind yourself it is only a fantasy.

I too agree couples must overcome struggles, but give yourself the credit you deserve. Simpy because this relationship didn't work out at this moment doesn't mean you will be doomed for life (even though we all tend to believe that) in the relationship area. Over the past few weeks, I have come to know you as a kind, sensitive, and very honest person...now it's up to you to see the same thing in yourself. πŸ™‚

Of course, it's going to be tough trying to be with friends when you mind is reeling over the next few months. When I was a mess (even though I still am to some degree) over my wonderful city boy, I was calling friends endlessly just to drown out the self-chatter running rampant through my head. Use the threads to do just that; we are here unconditionally to support you through this experience. πŸ™‚

I definitely understand you feelings towards the goals. I have spent so much time pretending to be someone else and believing I was that person that I feel as though I have no idea who the hell I am. It's a terrifying feeling and an overwhelming one at that. Where do we begin? I am struggling with that myself. I am sure the goals will come into focus when we are able to see and accept ourselves for who we really are. With regards to happiness, I think we have to relearn and reteach ourselves how to be happy, redefine happiness, and go with it. Right now, I am kinda feeling numb as I mentioned on another thread. I've left behind the anger/ sadness, but now I am just feeling nothing towards anything. Can't tell you if that's a good thing or not.

I have NO DOUBT that you will work through this stuff, Balance. Take it slow...day by day, hour by hour if you need to. We are always here for you.

Hang in there,
Baby Steps πŸ™‚

August 3, 2004
11:57 am
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kathygy
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I don't see where getting angry about his schedule is abusive rather a normal reaction. However, if you attacked him, yelled at him, called him names or put him down that I would see as abusive.

He said he's not willing to change his schedule so that makes him unavailable. You were not happy about that. Just keep reminding yourself of the reality, of the price you paid to be in relationship with him. You were not getting your needs met. Its easy to romantize a relationship when its over. But that's not reality.

August 3, 2004
1:52 pm
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balancesekr
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I guess my codep traits are shining right now, my emotional brain is taking over and I am beating myself up for it not working, me not being happy.

Maybe because I find it difficult to be very happy on my own. In my life I have been on my own surviving, but maybe I was never really happy.

I just keep thinking about his life and all the people in it, maybe I am jealous and fear developing my own life?

August 3, 2004
2:57 pm
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babysteps
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Balance,

Don't be afraid of developing your own life. I was at first, but it's wonderful...I mean the possibilites abound! We can recreate our lives in any way we want, and we CAN be happy. Go figure; it's only taken me 25 years to figure that out. Ha. πŸ™‚

Seriously though, try to find a way to silence your "emotional brain." The tennis match will eventually wear you down. I am always hear to help you silence the self chatter if you need me.

Rather than thinking about him and his life, think about yours!! Try to do something small for yourself each day...maybe even taking two minutes not to think of him, and reward yourself for your accomplishments.

I'm in your corner cheering you on! πŸ™‚

Baby Steps

August 3, 2004
3:17 pm
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babysteps
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Balance,

In taking a break from painting a my "star seat" for my classroom, I went looking for words that I hope will bring you some sort of comfort. If not, let me know...I will look for others. πŸ˜‰

"We can not tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us--how we can take it--what we do with it--that is what really counts in the end. How to take the raw stuff of life and make it a thing of worth and beauty--that is the test of living.:
Joseph Newton

August 3, 2004
4:11 pm
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balancesekr
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I am really tempted call him and get right back in. I think to myself... we have what it takes, we just need to compromise. He agreed to go to couples counselling with me... my therapist thinks I need to work on me first though. I'm afraid to call, he may reject me and yell.

I suppose I should fight the temptation, besides, he hung up and said he was done, turned off his phone..

That day we broke up, I was mentioning his schedule again and I was talking about ending it, so he probably just feels better that he "ended it" so this stops me from calling.

Balance

August 3, 2004
4:23 pm
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babysteps
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Balance,

Your therapist probably knows better than you right now what is best for you. My therapist also told me not to get involved with city boy right now because I had so much word to do on me. Trust your therapist, and remember all that your gut had been telling you.

Your ex drew his boundaries by hanging up and turning off the phone; I really think you should respect that for now and concentrate on you.

Baby Steps

August 3, 2004
7:26 pm
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Evita
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I think you should wait, it takes two for a relationship, if he wanted he would call you, but i can see that he probably thinks that you r to needy, My bf got tired of me too, because this stupid codep. I m so mess up, My terapist said that i have it and is from a horrible abuse i endure from my own mother since i remember she probably abuse me as a baby too (I am talking about hitting and stuff) So I dont know if we can ever have a realtionship because we r not assertive like regular people. Good Luck.....

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