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Help getting over codependency!
October 12, 2006
12:43 pm
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seekingclosure
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I am trying to get over a relationship with a woman who I think is completely codependent. I did not realize she was until recently, after talking with family and friends, who all said the same thing. After we met, and 3 dates (wonderful chemistry) she came to my house with a bottle of wine, flowers and tight-fitting dress to seduce me. It worked. Afterwards we were always together at social gatherings, movies, walks, etc. We were inseperable and I thought it was love. She bought me a big bed after a month, and one for her apt. Afterwards, she would buy me little gifts all the time, be at my apt all the time. We made love almost every day and many times during the weekends. Promises to each other of travel together, a life together. She said she'd do anything for me. Said I was her best friend, gorgeous man etc. I felt great. All of our friends saw us as a loving happy couple. Not so! She went away in the field for her work (geologist)after dating for 3 months. Said it would be 4 weeks and then come back to me. 4 weeks go by with loving emails, etc, then got extended to 5,6,7 weeks. Emails started to dry up, less loving until towards the end she said she could not compromise her career, that her job was a big hurdle and her inability to communicate well over the phone was not good. I tried to explain that I supported her and her career, etc, and loved her and just wanted to be her friend or maybe more if she wanted. She got home (did not tell me when she was arriving). I showed up at her apt to see her hauling her gear out of her car with one of her fellow co-workers, which she had been in the field with. Gave her flowers, etc. She was cold, and embarrassed! Later we had a talk and she said she could not continue and could not compromise her career and had no energy for that and me. I was hurt. Thought we had a future, but knew she had an fling and she could not hold out for an extra 3 weeks. Give me a break! She said she loved me until the 4 weeks were up. What the heck is that? Expectations, control issues, cannot cope with adversity in a relationship. Ugh! I was totally faithful to her. Kept busy the whole time and was patient. She said she could not cope with her job and thinking of me those extra 3 weeks and had to shut down emotionally to focus on her job. BULL! She has a bad back disease that causes her constant pain (caused by many years at her career). She feels a need to control her life, including relationships. When she cannot get her fix (sexual) to ease her pain and give her the rush, she goes to someone else. That is my take on it. She is 41 soon, cannot have kids (her disease) and for a woman her age, you would think she has realized that she has hurt a wonderful, loving guy who was always going to support her and love her. Now I have to cope with the lies she said to me and the memories, both good and horrible. My head says she is a confused, emotionally naive woman. But I cannot help but feel that she may realize her terrible way and seek forgiveness from me. Any help from anyone would help me put this thing behind me. Her duplicitous ways of manipulating and using me are haunting me. I am in a small town too, so I know I will run into her again sometime. Any advice on how to cope with this horrible situation? Sorry it was long but I need as much input and guidance from anyone as I can get. Thanks.

October 12, 2006
1:01 pm
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lovinglife
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Hi and welcome seekingclosure~

Don't have much to say at this point but others I'm sure will be around soon...for some reason I'm drawing a blank on what this type of relationship is called...and I'm trying to figure out how you were codependent in it all...wait, you're thinking she is...and would this woman be considered a charmer???

Wow - blow you away, huh? Many of us here have experienced something similar in thinking that the person we loved, loved us in return then something happens and it's like a relationship never even existed and we end up in here - hurt & confused. But tell ya, there is answers in here as well as alot of support and encouragement.

You have found your way to an awesome website.

October 12, 2006
1:04 pm
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DeeplyInLove
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NOBODY but you can put this behind YOU. But I do hope that someone here can at least guide you in a direction that will end the pain.
I have done what you are seeking, gotten over a relationship/person I honestly believed in.
What has always worked for me, and it AIN'T easy to do, is an honest talk with yourself and to find that drive that is within you to BE HAPPY. We all need to put a focus on what would again (even something simple) make you smile. Your thoughts need to be on you and YOUR NEEDS now. Not on trying to figure her out and what went wrong, you'll never do it, I doubt she knows.
You know what you should be proud of, very proud of...your not cheating on her, your strength, your honesty, your sincerey...take pride in the fact you did right by you, you'll attract someone who'll honor and return the same....time, it all takes time and that right now is unfortunately undefined.

October 12, 2006
1:05 pm
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lovinglife
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and oh, I am truly sorry for the pain that you are feeling - it's not a fun time at all. If there is one thing I've learned from being at this website is how our actions can cause so much hurt to another...I hope that I am never on the end of being the person who coldly hurts another.

October 12, 2006
1:13 pm
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CAMER
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luckily you haven't known her too long, and she took sexual advantage of you. Maybe she needs that sexual fix and running from guy to guy, who knows.

Just be happy she is not in your life, she came onto real strong, then
as quick as she fell for you, was as quick as she broke up with you..it was all moving too fast too quick.

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. Take time to heal and know you have a wonderful heart, and build a relationship slowly and nurture it and look forward too it.

She seems too quick too soon with relationships.

(((sending you hugs)))

October 12, 2006
1:17 pm
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DeeplyInLove
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OH yea, do a websearch and understand what Co-dependency is. It roughly means she had needs and turned to you for the support instead of fixing her problems FIRST and then going into a happy relationship. It's sorta an innocent selfish act.
I don't know how you feel about going to a counselor (sp?) or if you are, BUT I LEARNED SO much from going. But you gotta find the right one for YOU. Someone could literally BE the BEST therapist the the world has to offer, but not right for you. People new to therapy often get discouraged and think it can't help because of this. You should know in the first visit if your thereapist and you click.
MY HEART TRULY GOES OUT TO YOU....I WISH U THE BEST

October 12, 2006
6:59 pm
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taj64
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Hi. Im sorry for you during this time. I always think it takes a lot longer than 3 1/2 months to learn about a person. It is always full of romance, wine and dine, and good feelings and then when the dust settles is when you really learn who the real person is. That is the value of the lesson. It appears that both of you rushed into things and you had a lot of expectations that were not met. It helps to be prepared for next time when the relationship starts off too quickly and too needy that there is something wrong and to slow down. Plus the time she went away for a month after a beginning relationship is a real test because if there is doubt, then this would have given her time to reevaluate what she is needing. It looks like the whirlwind relationship faded for her but did not for her unfortunately. Acceptance and taking care of your emotional needs for yourself is your best bet. I also think that expecting someone to be faithful in a new relationship is pretty high expectation. As much as it hurts, I feel she is in control of what she wants, it just isn't something that you wanted. And I do feel she was honest to you in her feelings, it just wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear. Give it more time, and you can date again and meet someone who is more right for you.

October 12, 2006
7:43 pm
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seekingclosure
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Thanks all.. Yes, too soon, too quick, yet she did intiate the entire episode. Conversely, had I rebuked her advances, depending on her motivations, she may have decided she could not get what she needed from me and found someone else to hurt. I had not been with anyone for quite some time, and had energies that were easily released and so did she. After the inital euphoria, we did get to know one another, and liked what we saw. I guess she may have been struggling with the idea that one has to choose between a relationship and career. If that in fact is her real dilemna. I think her behaviour is more in tune with her impetuous behaviour and her clingy, needy personality. Kind of like the all or nothing scenario. No middle! I did see good in her and feel that in time, if she chooses, she can let that part of her come out more and simply allow the future for her to unfold. It's up to her of course. It's just difficult to accept a part of my life (while for a short time) is missing.

October 18, 2006
6:12 pm
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kirikiri
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Dear You,

Yes, it sucks and it hurts. But know that it will pass. You are angry because you gave your trust & love and she, after making you fall for her, dumped you-for whatever reasons..
I've been there and so have many others on site.
It has been 4 years since I was dumped.
And I live in a small town like you.
And it's tough not being over someone and seeing that person with another person.
Sure,it sucks and it hurts.

But love yourself. in time you will heal.

October 18, 2006
6:44 pm
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Just a thought, seekingclosure

Sometimes I think there is a link between childhood and our adult relationships. Its as if we repeat the pattern until we get it. A loop kinda thing. Then once we get it it ends and on to the next lesson.

Some people we encounter are there to show us who we are not meant to be with. We can learn mightily from these ones. Experience has taught me about making mistakes yet I do believe socalled mistakes are simply lessons not yet learned. Some people are mean spirited and we need to avoid them. They seem to extract a form of strength from inflicting emotional pain. They are to be pitied.

Sometimes the ones we encounter do not believe they deserve love.

If you pass her on the street ... smile, ask her "How are you doing?" And no matter what she says ... walk on by. Just be polite and no more.

Just some thoughts

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