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help for me with alcoholic partner
October 1, 2009
10:55 am
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Anonymous
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i dont know where to begin really. just found this site. a year ago i was over the moon to be with my partner. now a year later living with the realisation of what i have taken on is like living a nightmare. i love him dearly but so want to make the break. i have tried lots of times but go to pieces. i have started reading a book about codependancy, something i never knew existed.

this morning he has gone off to the beer festival in germany for 6 days. we havent broken up, things as far as he are concerned are fine but i am in pieces today. firstly i am going to miss him so terribly and secondly i am so worried about how much he is going to drink. not a good time to be trying to give up smoking while he is away. i know i need to focus on me and my needs but feel totally at a loss without him. this is what i mean by i cant give him up, i feel quite ashamed of how i feel. at 42 i should know better.

i just want to sit and cry. he said he would ring me, he didnt say when but i dont want to take a call from him tonight as if he does ring me i know how drunk he will be.

can alcoholics actually drink so much that he will need to be hospitalised over there? on an average day i would say he has 2-3 bottles of wine but if he goes out add on up to 10 pints of beer on top of that. but there he will be drinking a litre at a time all day long so i hate to think how much he will consume over the 6 days. he normally starts drinking at about 6 in the evening. the more i think about it the more upset i am getting.

i know its his choice but i am so worried and i am worried about me too. but i cant stop it.

October 1, 2009
11:31 am
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Marika
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Eventually his body is just going to say "I give up." However, it can take years and years for this to happen. My ex was a huge drinker from his teens on, and until he was in his 50's, he was relatively healthy. But yes, to answer your question, there is such a thing as alcohol poisoning.

I was with my ex for over 20 years. Of those 20 together, I was also an alcoholic for about 7 of those years. I stopped cold turkey (in a rehab/psych ward) when I was 30. He continued and still does to this day from what I am told.

October 1, 2009
12:11 pm
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Martin Eden
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benson&hedges,

Not difficult to guess your brand of smokes; catchy name. I understand exactly where you are coming from and your frustrations. It is good that you recognize there is a problem so give yourself some applause for not being in denial of your feelings first, and the situation with your partner second.

Remember that you did not cause the drinking, you can not control it, and you can not fix it! You can control how you feel and address it. I would strongly recommend Al Anon; Google it for a list of meetings in your area. You will find insite, support, and strategies to help you cope-it has helped me.

Codependency is new to me as well; continue your research and you will discover so many things about yourself and your life that you will be amazed at how some of the pieces all fit together.

Alchohol poisoning is a strong possibilty given the quantities you mentioned; sounds like your parner has an issue. But remeber it is his issue; practicing loving detachment is really tough but necessary for your well being. Take care of your self.

My qualifier used alchol in concert with pills; a volatile combination. To this day I can not sleep through the night with out waking; a habit developed from years of checking on her (usually passed out) and our young son when he was little.

Don't worry about being 42; we are pretty close in age and I'm just becoming aware of these things too! Better late than never. Although the disease is dreadful it can give you some gifts; be ready to accept some good things because it won't be all bad.

Good luck!

October 1, 2009
1:46 pm
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_anonymous
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benson and hedges- Hi. After living with a now sober alcoholic for years. My guess is that if he hasnt been hospitalized before for alcohol poisoning he probably wont be now. Alcoholics develop quite a tolerance to the stuff and beer has a much smaller amount than hard liquor.

What I am concerned about is how bad this is all making you feel.

Is he aware of how upset you are about all of this?

October 1, 2009
5:56 pm
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StronginHim77
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My suggestion would be that you shift your focus for the next six days from obsessing over how to control his drinking (via long distance) to seeking help and support for yourself. You cannot fix or change him. You can, however, find out WHY you are centering your life around such a dysfunctional man and how you can regain your wholeness and peace.

Find out about codependency. Check out Melody Beattie's book, CODEPENDENT NO MORE. Also read Sandra Brown's HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN. It has an excellent chapter (which sure hit home for me) on what type of woman is drawn to an alcoholic.

You should also attend some local Al-Anon meetings and CODA meetings. They are free and can even be accessed online, if you live in a rural area.

Please keep posting. Also, read the other threads. You will find many people here who are in varying stages of recovery from codependency. I was engaged to be married to an alcoholic just 4 years ago and this site helped me through the entire ordeal. Thankfully, I did NOT marry him.

- Ma Strong

October 1, 2009
6:25 pm
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fantas
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You are right to be concerned about his drinking. The things is he seems happy and content to be doing it. Heck, he is taking drinking vacations. The way I see it, you have one choice. Accept that he is a drinker and has no intention of changing. It's for you to decide how you want to relate to him exactly as he is.

Should you decide to continue in this relationship then you must embrace his drinking and be okay with it. If you cannot live with him, them you have to love him from a far. Right now, you are trying to control him by mothering and worrying about his drinking. He is a grown man and he can do whatever he wants with his life.

The books Ma recommended are really good. Alanon would support you greatly.

October 2, 2009
5:40 am
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Anonymous
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thank u all for your responses.
he rang early last night so i picked the phone up. apparently he had lost his friends and couldnt remember the hotel where he was staying. i said i would text him the details. did so and havent heard a word since despite ringing and sending him a few text messages to let me know he is ok.

yes i know i should leave it but it is hard. i woke up this morning determined not to contact him and what have i done? just that. contacted him i mean. i feel so weak. its so unfair of him to call me and say that then just leave it and not tell me he is ok.

this site highlights how many people are in seriously disfunctional relationships. how sad. i never thought i would be one of them. up to now i have been so lucky in having had some lovely men in my life, trouble is they (and i hate to say it) dont excite do they. i feel i have made my bed and have to lie in it.

off to al anon next week! also found a CODA meeting too. hopefully on my way to some sort of peace although like others on here that is a long long road.

October 2, 2009
8:58 am
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Marika
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B & H (ahhh...the ciggies of my youth) - the one thing I know to be true is: if they enjoy their drinking, they are not going to give it up. Went through that with the ex. Even when a health problem arose and he had to give it up for a few weeks, he switched to Sharps (non-alcoholic beer). He considered himself a functional alcoholic because he never missed work and he never missed an obligation due to drinking. So as long as he was functional, he felt it was alright.

BTW - I just joined here and found a CODA meeting I will attend tomorrow and the difference just in the last two days is amazing. Oh, I am still crazy codependent and enabling, but I feel like I am going to accomplish something BIG!

October 2, 2009
10:07 am
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StronginHim77
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Try - for one day at a time - not to take his calls and not to call him.

Like I said, it's a "one day at a time" choice, but each day is a struggle. Unless YOU change, he has no motivation to change or even to look at himself in the mirror.

If you can succeed in not calling or texting him for the remainder of his trip, it will drive home a huge point: you are not there to pick up the pieces of his drinking binges.

Or, do you really want to be his mother and keep trying to "fix" him and fix his chaotic life?

Instead, you deserve to focus on YOURSELF...what YOU need...what YOU deserve. And please consider counseling to find out WHY you are attracted to such a dysfunctional man who is incapable of loving anyone, except his god of choice: booze.

- Ma Strong

October 5, 2009
6:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear B&H -

Please bring us up to date on whether or not you were able to actually attend a local Al-Anon or CODA meeting?

And be kind to yourself. You didn't make a deliberate decision to go out there and find an alcoholic to love. It happened. CODA (and maybe some private counseling support, if you can afford it?) will help you understand WHY you gravitated towards him, instead of the duller, safer variety of partner.

And we don't just walk away from them. It took me 16 months to finally step back from the first alcoholic I loved...and two years to step back from the second. (Yup...there was a second. Dysfunctional relationships for us codependents are like potato chips. We just can't stop at ONE.)

No one on these threads expects you to dump this guy and walk away without a qualm. It just doesn't work that way. For most of us, a long, roller-coaster ride of hopeful up's and heart-breaking down's must take place, before we find the strength to step back. Sometimes, we just wear out. And sometimes, they move onto a more accommodating partner who shares their addiction.

No matter what, keep posting. We aren't here to judge you. And we understand that the advice we have shared comes from months -- maybe even years -- of our own, personal recovery struggles. But don't withdraw from us and suffer alone. Cause we know you are suffering. So many of us have 'been there.'

You are probably still with him and you are probably still trying to help him. And you will go on doing that. Most of us did. But every day, you will see more...understand yourself more...and gain strength. Each time you read what well-intentioned souls post here on your thread, you will gain.

We hope to hear more from you.

And lastly, remember that it helps to see it in black & white. Helps us pull our heads out of the sand. And it helps us to vent and receive some comfort and understanding from others who have been in our shoes.

- Ma Strong

October 5, 2009
6:37 pm
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beginagain
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Hiya!! I spent 14 years with a beautiful person who was a cronic alcoholic and also drug abuser etc. I can so relate to how you feel - even now 10 years after I have moved on at times (because I sometimes am in touch due to family commitments) I still feel that twinge of sorrow that such a brilliant person is totally in the grip of alcohol. It is hard to feel you are turning your back on someone's pain but I guess by not doing it you are unwittingly colluding in it. I just kept reading and like you found groups like Alsnon and was introduced to people who have gone through it and have wisdom of hindsight and offered me a new way of thinking!!

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