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help! brokenhearted about a man who is afraid of commitment
April 13, 2007
5:18 pm
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making changes
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Where do I begin? I'm dealing with a void from a broken heart and at the same time, dealing with a void in myself, that I know is from co-dependency. I have been involved with someone for about 2 years who is admittedly afraid of commitment - I would label it more of a fear of intimacy. I felt that with time and patience, he would come around. He actually panicked and bolted after the first 8 months we dated but he came back and of course I took him back. Well, surprise, after another year, he's doing the same thing.

We had been doing great together. We always have. We have a lot of fun, a lot in common and I know he loves me. I've never met someone I've had such a special connection with and he's told me the same. The problem is we never talked about the future after we got back together. Just kind of took it day by day. I told myself that was okay and we'd get there when the time was right but honestly, when we weren't together I was miserable. Always worrying that he might bolt again, always looking for the slightest reassurance that he was going to stick around - at least for now. I never talked to him about my fears. I don't think he has any idea the amount of turmoil that was going on in my mind. Why would I let myself live that way? Because I was scared if I pushed him too much he'd leave. I know that. I haven't been happy with "me" for a while and having him was like having something to look forward to. Guess that has co-dependency written all over it.

Well, long story short, he just told me about a week ago that it's time to take it to the next level and he doesn't know if he can. Said he's not done and doesn't want this to be over yet but that he needs some time apart to think. He said he feels like things have gotten a little blah (by the way, he said the same thing the first time we split) and worries that if we were right for each other, that wouldn't happen. I told him it's not always going to be magical and he said he needed to decide if it's not always going to be magical, does he really want it. Said he's happy in his little world and is okay alone, so should he change that?

I've been devastated. It has been so painful in so many ways b/c the reality is, I seriously don't see him being able to do it. This has been a pattern for him his entire dating life and he's in his mid 40s. Why would I think it's going to change? The other thing is, why would I want a guy like this back? Unless he went through some serious counseling about his fears, he's not going to change. I think its so sad that I've let myself get to a point where I felt like having him was better than nothing. Unfortunately, I'm in my mid 30s and all of my friends are married with kids and I just haven't developed a life for myself with other single people. I let him become "my life". I know I need to work on myself and not worry about him but when I feel this way, I just want to go home and curl up in bed, which is the last thing I need to do. Coming to terms with my own painful realities and dealing with heartbreak at the same time feels almost unbearable. I hate when life becomes just trying to figure out how your going to get through the day.

I keep telling myself it will get better but sometimes it's hard to believe. I've been beating myself up, thinking that maybe if I were a stronger person and had dealt with my codependency issues sooner, this wouldn't have happened. Like I lost the love of my becuase of it. I know that's the depressed part of me not facing the realities. He's never been with anybody as long as he's been with me. It's been over 10 years since he had a relationship longer than 4 months. I've been telling myself we must be really special to make it this long but starting to think maybe he stayed with me b/c I was being a wimp and not pushing him. A person sure can "think" ourselves crazy during times like this.

Anyway, I just really don't know what to do and would love some advice. I guess a good start would be, how do you pick yourself up off the floor?

Thanks.

April 13, 2007
5:51 pm
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sad sack
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Dear Making Changes,

Your story sound so similar to my own that I just had to comment. As a matter of fact, I have a thread here that I started about three or four weeks ago entitled "Broken Hearted and I need help." (even your title is so similar) It is really long because it started about mid March, but if you have the time, take a look at some of the postings.

I feel your pain and I am sorry that you are going through this. I just want you to take a look at my thread (if you have the time, that is) and then I'll get back to you.

You have certainly come to the right place. I have received such wonderful advice and support here. So welcome and I hope we can communicate further.

Sad Sack

April 13, 2007
7:39 pm
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Dear Making Changes, I, like you and Sad have a similar story. My exbf just suddenly left without any explanation. We had been living together for about 7 months and I thought we were perfect for each other. After being apart for about 3 months with almost no contact he is now asking to spend time with me but he is also seeing other people.

I understand and relate to the pain, isolation and devastation you feel. I wish I had answers for why these guys are the way they are. I don't think we can change them. I guess we just have to work on ourselves. Sad and I have been reading a book by Susan Anderson called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing". I would highly recommend it. I have just started it but already it has helped me a lot. It defines the stages you go through when someone you love leaves you and it gives you ways of dealing with it. I ordered mine from Amazon.com.

Also, this site is wonderful. There are so many wise and supportive people here. You've come to the right place.

Hugs

April 13, 2007
8:53 pm
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making changes
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Dear Sad Sack,
I have been reading your thread and am actually printing it out now to take home. There are so many similarities its amazing. Like you, I have never felt a connection like this with anyone. When you've never felt that way before, it is so hard to let go of. However, I think I (and maybe you to) may be putting him on too much of a pedestal because he certainly has his issues. Certainly men who can walk away so callously and then send random texts without concern for our feelings may not be as special as we think - yes, I got the random texts during the first break up. You'd love to hear about some of them. While painful and thoughtless, they border on hilarious that he could be so immature and emotionally clueless. Anyway, I think its natural when you're hurt to focus on the good and make excuses for the bad.

I'm going to finish reading your thread and will be back in touch. There is some good stuff in there. I so hope you are doing better but it is unfortunately a long process. Thanks so much for responding to me. It means a lot. Take care!!

Sandpipper,
Thanks for the book recommendation and I do believe you hit the nail on the head. We can't change them but we can change ourselves. It's so hard when you are feeling so isolated to force yourself out. It's like life is just going through the motions. It sounds like you too are in a similar situation as mine in that he's contacting you again but still not ready for a commitment. Be careful, because I let mine come back without a commitment and eventually it led to the same ending. However, I don't really know your situation as I am new (today new) to this website so take my advice with grain of salt. It sounds like you are doing well and making steps to work on you. That's the best we can do and it's helpful knowing we're not alone in this.

Best wishes to you! Hang in there.

April 14, 2007
7:39 am
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sad sack
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Hi Making Changes,

I am glad you looked on my thread - the similarities in our stories are almost scary. One difference is that I don't really blame myself for the breakup and you shouldn't either. Why do you think it was your codependency that drove him away? I don't see evidence of that in what you shared. My exbf also existed in his own little world (however, I would not use the word "happily" to decribe how he lived). Once he told me that he was probably meant to live alone on a mountain somewhere. That is actually how he perceives his existance. He told me (months after his disappearance) that he knew now that he could never be with anyone.

You asked "how do pick yourself off the floor?". Well, I don't have the answer to that one but I can tell you what I did and what I am doing. For a month or so, I was so devastated that I could not get myself out of bed. I cried every day which is something I generally do not do. I was sadder than sad. I had no motivation to go on. I basically just existed from day to day. Then I posted my thread on this site and I started to feel better. Just expressing my thoughts and getting such wonderful and wise feedback was so benefiicial. I also saw that I was not alone and that helped a lot. People with similar experiences offered me explanations that I just never considered. Someone recommended the book that Sandpipper mentioned (above) and that is helping also. I am still very sad because my dreams died with the end of the relationship. I loved this man so much and thought he would be a part of my future. I actually thought I was the luckiest person in the world to have met such a terrific guy. So to have him just end things the way he did, crushed me. So I understand your pain completely.

I still try to maintain a "friendship" type of relationship with my exbf, but who knows how long that is going to last. As I spoke about on my thread, I really think I am doing that just because I cannot let go of him completely. I know he loves and cares for me. Last night, he called me to see how I was feeling (I recently encountered some health problems). I hadn't spoken to him in about five weeks. It almost hurt to hear his voice once again. I guess it comforts me to know that he still has feelings for me. I am trying to accept that he just has difficulties with relationships and that all the wishing in the world (on my part) is not going to change that. ANd it sounds like your bf has similar issues. You mustn't blame yourself. That is the first step towards getting off that floor. Keep reaching out to others and try doing positive things for yourself. You cannot change who he is and you will only get hurt and frustrated if you even try to. It is just not happening.

I look forward to hearing from you. Just know that you have people here who genuinely care. As I have said many times on my thread, I have been overwhelmed with the support that I have recieved here.

Try to have a good day today. First order of the day - stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong.

Sad Sack

April 14, 2007
5:48 pm
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hi making changes,

I read your post earlier today but I was afraid to post cause I am usually the commitment phobe in the relationship and wasnt sure if I could offer anything.

I want to compliment your writing style first of all, you are so clear on your thoughts, you express yourself really well.

I am sorry to hear of your broken heart. I am sorta on the flip side of the coin, I am the bolter in the relationship. I bolt because of fears, panic, confusion, etc... but I do my share of feeling really bad in the midst of the confusion and trying to make the relationship work.

If your boyfriend can get to the core of why he's running, maybe things can change.

To pick yourself up keeping posting here, go to a CODA meeting, they are the real deal. Talk to your friends, get a lot of rest, eat healthy foods and try not to beat yourself up. You gave a relationship a chance.
b

April 14, 2007
8:20 pm
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Hi MC....thanks for posting your story. It's all tooooooooo familiar to many of us here. Including me!

First things first, try to be gentle with yourself. No need to beat yourself up. I think when we look forward to seeing someone, hearing from them, being with, that's a sign of a good thing. He has made the confession to you about his fears. You've been kind and patient with him and given him tons of latitude and space. Understandably so, it sounds as if you enjoy being together. And we all know that the dating world is no picnic. It's hard to find people that you have a solid connection with.

I find it interesting that he thought it was time to take it to the next level; yet the solution is to take a break. I wonder what triggered that in him?

As far as working on you--you can do that. This is a good time for you to take a personal inventory of what's really important to you. Is the relationship with him what you really want? Or do you want more than he is able to give? I have been there! I was with a man for ten and a half years. He told me he would never get married, but I was too afraid to leave him...I compromised my wants to be with him. I thought I could never do better. I vowed to never have any expectations of him after we had the marriage talk and he told me that wasnt' for him. Three years later he asked me to marry him, and then after being engaged for 15 months, he told me he didn't want to get married and I haven't seen him since. That was two years ago. I was like you--I lost myself in him. I molded myself to his hobbies, his life and when it was over, I hit rock bottom. I could barely function. I layed on the floor and cried...every holiday was torturous. But I am here to tell you--it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I have learned so much about life, love, relationships, taking care of myself. I had no self-esteem or confidence with him, and I have discovered that in myself.

I have dated, and it's been rough. I'm recovering from another broken heart, and that's no fun, but I am not laying on the floor, and I know I have a great life, in spite of my sadness about it.

I'm glad you came here and posted. This place is a great forum...you'll find many here like you. I recommend the book He's Scared, She's Scared. I found that after reading it, I was a passive commitment phobe, meaning I sought out people who were active commitment phobes.

Gotta run at this time, but will be back to check in.--2b

April 15, 2007
9:21 am
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Hi I read your story. Actions do speak louder than words and unfortunately he is running and void of getting too close or getting married. You want to get married. IF you want to get married, you need to get over this man and work on being healthy for you. It is not healthy to be involved in destructive relationship and those are the hardest relationships to get out of. I am wondering if you spend more times thinking about it being special than actually being special. If there are some special times, that is what is keeping you to stay in it. You said that he has never been with anyone as long as you but don't you think it might be because you are settling and nobody would really spend this long waiting for the guy to make up his mind? Waiting around for this man is causing you pain and causing your self esteem to be blown to pieces. I'd say not talking about it is a way of not dealing with it and give a false sense of security for you. That is not right of this man to keep you abay like this. This pain you feel will lessen in time but you need to have joy in your life adn that means working on yourself and working on your own issues and why you stay too long with a man who obviously cannot commit. You have to let this one go so you can be peaceful and happy again. This man is not going to make you happy, nor will waiting around for any amount of time for his to "come to his senses". He likes to have have it both ways, and unless you are willing to settle for it, which you are not because you are not happy, then it become you compromising your happiness. He has no problem with the way it is. Please seek some counseling and make your life the way you want it, you have the power in your hand, but this man needs to be let go so you can find one who will be there for you ALL THE TIME and be secure in a relationship where trust and being valued is important. You deserve this, not waiting around and being hurt all the time and trying to fulfil a fantasy that won't ever happen. That is no way to live.

April 16, 2007
10:52 am
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making changes
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To all of you who have responded. Thank you so much. I haven't been back to the website until today as my internet is down at the house. Right now, I have to get back to work and make an attempt to "focus". It's so hard. I hope to have the internet up at the house today so I can get back on and respond to all of you. It's so nice that people will take the time to offer their advice. I think I got very lucky finding this website.

Talk soon!
MC

April 16, 2007
5:06 pm
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making changes
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Hi guys. I'm still at work but am starting to have that "anxiety". Obsessing over this and that. I wanted to post a quick question to you and maybe this might be better answered by balancesekr who seems to have similar issues as my boyfriend. He told me he just needed some space to think about what he really wants, look at his fears and that he didn't want me to look at this like a break-up, just a separation. Well, he also said he wanted us to continue talking b/c if we didn't, then it would be like a break-up and that wasn't his intention. I told him it would be too hard for me to wonder when I would hear from him and that it would be better for me to assume I'm not. I told him I would get in touch with him from time to time. Of course, I've sent one email but that was almost a week ago. I didn't leave it open for a response. Just told him I'd be in touch sometime again soon. I'm driving myself crazy with the should I talk to him or not. I've thought of some things I'd like to ask. Would it be better just to call and ask? My brain tells me it would be better to leave him alone and the really smart part of my brain says it would be better to forget him. Apparently, my heart isn't listening.

I guess another question I'd like to pose is: Do you think someone who has been a commitment phobe can ever change? He said he was going to confide in some friends, which I don't think he ever has, and mentioned seeing a counselor, although I find it hard to imagine him following through with that.

Any thoughts from any of you?

I better get back to work but needed to vent. Gosh it helps. Hope to hear back from some of you soon. Thanks!

April 18, 2007
1:59 am
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doubleloss
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hi making changes and welcome to this incredible site. I too was dumped like an old shoe by someone I thought was finally the "one" for me. And then POOOOOOFFF all was gone and I didn't even had the faitnest clue it was coming. This is 8 months ago. I've been picking myself off the floor but keep falling down, but I stay standing a little longer everytime. I hope that you are gentle and patient enough to get through this process, it is a process, that's what i'm learning. my thread is called "i'm really hurting, need advise, haven't slept for days", if it might be of any help to you.

I wish you a speedy recovery. hugs, double

April 18, 2007
8:13 pm
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Hello Making Changes,
I'm new here also, I have posted one thread and got so many wonderful responses. I read your post and could not help but to reply. I am a man in his mid 40's and I can tell you if this guy has not made up his mind about a relationship with you yet he's not for you. I'm sorry to say that but it is sadly the truth. You will have problems with not only the commitment of marriage but everything else. You don't have to take my word for it.I've just been there. It is not worth wasting your precious time.He may be a nice person but let him be a nice person to someone who has time to waste.
Hang in there,The right one is out there.

May 30, 2007
10:54 am
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making changes
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Door1,
I know this is a little belated and I appreciate your response. I've been in and out of the website as some days I don't feel like doing anything. I'm still trying to get a handle on this and was curious about what your experience was. You mentioned that you have been there.
Thanks,
MC

May 30, 2007
11:51 am
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AQueen
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Hell and welcome to AAC. This site is a great source of support and advice. If nothing changes then nothing changes. Meaning if he is doing anything to change that behavior such as seeing a counselor then his behaviors aren't likely to change long term. Men that are unavailable in some way are often looked as as a challenge, like maybe I can be the woman to make him settle down. I remember being happy that I had last over a year since all my ex's other relationships ended after a few months. There is a reason all of his relationships ended after such a short period of time, the women simply wouldn't put up with his crap. I did put up with it because I'm a codependent and I thought I could change him if I showed him that I cared and was there for him. I put up with things I shouldn't have because I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want him to leave me. For those of you that know me story here I'm not talking about my relationship with my son's father. I'm talking about a relationship I had in the past with a guy that I really liked but he was unavailable emotionally and commitment wise. He kept saying he didn't want to get into a long term relationship because he had a bad break up with his ex. So I saw him when he wanted to, had sex with him whenever he called, and I bent over backwards to please him. He still contiued to see his ex from time to time.

When reading other people's stories look for the things you have in common not the differences, that's what you learn at support groups. Codependency is a terriable affliction but we do recover. It takes a lot of effort on our part though but I'll tell you that it's easier to start making a effort to change your life than to stay stuck in the rotten place we are in right now. I put off getting help for so long because I thought it was hard. Looking back it was sooooooo much harder staying unhealthy and unhappy. When I see my counselor weekly and attend my support groups I feel so much better. I feel a renewed sense of strength to stick to my plan which for me happens to be no contact. Last week I had a dental appointment so I didn't see my counselor and this week I didn't see her due to it being a holiday on Monday and that's when we meet. Let me tell you I've been a wreck this week and I feel it's because I haven't been doing the things I need to in order to take care of myself emotionally like counseling. So I called her today and we're going to have a phone counseling session this afternoon.

I think you would really really benefit from counseling and support groups like Codependents Anonymous. This past week I've been obsessing about my ex more, and second guessing myself asking myself if I did the right thing by ending things with him. I know I did the right thing and I know that I don't feel for him that way anymore. I was used to his company more than anything and didn't want to be alone and I feel that's why I didn't end things out of fear of loneliness. See I know these things but when I don't talk stuff out with my counselor and my support groups I get to stinking thinking. I couldn't stick to my recovery plan if I didn't see a counselor and attend support groups. It's so much easier to change when you have help. So much easier, actually it's fun too. Good luck. This guy is wasting you time sweetie and your time is very valuable.
AQueen

May 30, 2007
3:35 pm
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making changes
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Thanks AQueen. Yes our stories sound so similar. Putting up with his time limits, not pushing too much and you are probably right, that's probaby why we made it so long. Some of the reasons he gave me for ending other relationships were "she kept trying to define the relationship all the time". Hmmm. Seems a normal step which I told him but he said well, you shouldn't have to do it all the time. I realize that even if he did go to counseling, which he said he was, it could take years or never for someone like that to work through those issues. And you're right, my time is very valuable. I am on the no contact plan too. I really don't have a desire to contact him b/c I know it only hurts me but I have to admit I wonder if I will hear from him. I understand about not wanting to end it for fear of loneliness. I was getting pretty miserable towards the end wondering when the ball was going to drop. I also understand about the obsessing. I actually printed out a little stop sign and taped it to my monitor at work so when I start the thoughts I look at it and tell myself to get busy. Wish I could say it's easy for me b/c it's not. Even though I know he's not good for me, it's still a grief process. I actually laid in the floor last night with my dog and cried for 30 minutes. You mentioned support groups. Do you attend CoDa? I found a meeting tonight and was thinking about attending. I also ordered a ton of Amazon books last night. You know one of the hard parts for me is wondering if I had been stronger, would it have changed things? I know it sounds like a crazy thing to think with his history. He told me when we broke up that he wished I had been more assertive. Kind of funny, because I imagine the girls that were assertive with him didn't make it long.

Anyway,
Thank for responding and it gives me some hope to hear you say we can recover from this. It is a miserable way to live life and I'm tired of it. One more thing, I have a counselor but I don't feel like she helps a lot with the Codep. Did you find someone who specializes in it?

Thanks,
MC

June 2, 2007
1:08 pm
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MC -

Sounds like you are really doing the work to help yourself recover from this troubled relationship and the pain of ending it. I can tell you from experience that the terrible anguish and pain DOES heal. It takes time and "doing the work." There are alot of excellent books to help us in this process. Check out many of the threads here on this website and you will get quite a list for suggested reading.

The early weeks are so devastating, not just because of the loss itself, but because you are no longer part of a "couple." As a couple, you had a date for the Holidays. As a couple, you had someone to do things with...a companion for evenings at home or weekend trips/outings. There was someone to care if you caught a cold or if someone insulted you at work. In simple terms, you are grieving the loss of the man AND being part of a couple. It is a double-whammy and takes alot of time and adjustment.

Journaling was very useful for me during my early months of mourning. So was posting on these threads at AAC. I have formed some enduring friendships here which have sustained me during very difficult days.

No Contact helped me enormously. For me, it was the ONLY way to survive the breakup. Each contact with my toxic ex's would be like knocking the scab off an old wound: the bleeding would start up again; the pain would surge. So, I learned to stick with No Contact. Today, I feel absolutely NOTHING for my former partners who were toxic. I mean NOTHING. So, healing is possible, but right now you are in the early, raw stages of recovery. Be patient with yourself.

If you can, seek professional counseling to help you through the grieving and through any areas in which you need closure. Read all the support literature you can get your hands on. (Bookstores are CRAMMED with excellent aisles of books, addressing the pain of breaking up.) Keep posting here. You might want to read the No Contact threads. Pull up some of the old ones, by clicking on the link at the top of this site and entering the topic "No Contact." Some of the information there will truly encourage and strengthen you.

Above all else, remember that you do have a future...and that future will probably include a partner who brings you the happiness, peace and joy your wounded heart longs for. First, we heal. Then, we are ready for a healthy relationship.

Hugs,

- Ma Strong

June 6, 2007
11:22 am
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making changes
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Ma Strong,
Thanks so much for your kind words. It's actually been two months now but we had a contact two weeks ago, which you're right, is like knocking the scab of an old wound. I'm feeling stronger and really starting to accept it's over. He's not good for me and probably made me more miserable than happy b/c he put "time limits" on how much we saw each other. He has extreme fears of intimacy. So the days I didn't see him, I spent fretting over when I would see him or if he would make plans with me. So in that sense, I'm so glad he's gone, b/c I no longer have to worry it anymore and can spend my days focusing on me and getting myself better. We are definitely on no contact now and I told him I didn't want to hear from him and I think he will respect it. I think I miss the idea of the relationship more than anything and what I dreamed it could be rather than what it really was. Those facts still don't make your heart hurt any less though although I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's becoming more visible lately. Thank you again and I hope you are doing well.

MC

June 6, 2007
5:03 pm
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MC -

I know how difficult it was to tell him you didn't want to hear from him again. He might still try, (we jokingly refer to it here on the threads as "poking the corpse, to see if there's any life left in it), so be prepared. Block his emails. Block him from calling your land lines. Do not respond to any voice mails, cell phone calls, text messages or letters. Actions do speak louder than words, so he may test the waters to prove whether or not you mean business. If you respond in any way to his overtures, he will continue to float in & out of your life...on HIS terms. And you deserve to better.

Keep us posted.

- Ma Strong

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