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HELP! Anyone else in a marriage of convenience?
April 24, 2004
11:41 pm
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nycgirl
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Would love to hear from anyone is the same situation as me. I posted last week, found out my husband is a sex addict, wants it with anyone anytime, men, couples, women, etc but not me! anyway we have been married a long time and he says if i can take the fact he is seeing many others and we are not having any kind of a relationship he has no problem with letting me do whatever i want, money wise, etc. I currently am not working got laid off and just moved back in with him we had lived apart for three years i thought he had changed but found out he hadn't. we have not had relations for many years and yes i have been tested and am ok. i have very low self estimee due to his habits that i didn't know about but i always thought i was not good enough or worthy of his attention. i still am seeking his attention even though we both know i will never get it. anyway my point right now i have a beautiful house to live in, free rein of credit cards and money but i do not have love and effection. Is it wrong to stay in a relationship only because it is secure financially that is? I know i deserve more but I am affraid if he didn't love me no one else will either. I know i need to like myself and i am trying but am i wrong to stay? Anyone else in a similar situation?

April 25, 2004
1:29 am
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gingerleigh
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Lots of people stay in marriages for convenience. Is it right or wrong? Who is to say? The only person who can definitively answer that is you. Emotional stress comes when the world you live in is not the world in which you wish you live. The greater the distance between what is actual and what you want, the greater the emotional stress. You are setting yourself up for a very tough time.

No one here will judge you or belittle you for choices you make. At the same time, no one is going to cosign your staying in a situation where you are clearly so unhappy. Only you know what is best for you though. In the mean time, if the marriage is convenient, but your long term goal is to escape, you could use this time to make plans, stash some money away, get retrained for a new career, etc. and make your break when you're ready.

April 25, 2004
11:57 am
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Worried_Dad
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Seems like a divorce settlement might also provide some financial security.

April 25, 2004
7:23 pm
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annastar
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Hay! This is why I am still live with my mother! Not that I can use her credit card… The only difference that besides long term obligation that I will support and will take care about her when she will not be able (which I would do any way), I have no obligations to her. Now- I don’t know how you motivate your husband to support you. Is he like to have some one in a house? My concern is that eventually he may ask for some thing in return. So- as Gengerleigh said- use this time to prepare your self for the next step in your life.

April 26, 2004
1:50 pm
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Anonymous
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I think if you are unhappy, and your self-esteem is being damaged by your husband's behaviors, then your marriage is INconvenient! There are other women out there who will accept your husbands behavior. There is a man out there who is waiting for you to believe with all your heart that you are so complete, empowered, and good that you deserve to have him in your life. Open your heart to the willingness to accept love completely, and everything will begin to fall into place. It worked for me!

Ren'ai

April 26, 2004
8:10 pm
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pNettie
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I am in a similar situation. Live in a very nice house, have nice things. But husband isn't interested in me. I don't feel that there is anything wrong with living in a situation that is convenient. What hurts is the rejection. We both deserve more than that. Everyone is loveable and desires to be loved. I agree with some of the other comments, use the time to put away some funds and plan your next move... find another job, search for a place to live.. make some good friends in a local co-dependency group to support you. You can do it. Don't be afraid.

April 27, 2004
12:46 am
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nycgirl
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Thanks to all especially pNettie, yes the rejection is as bad as physically being hit. I know i am not the person for him, he can't give me the love and affection i need and i cannot give him just random unemotional sex he needs. I am trying to mend my self esteem but so difficult when you have been beaten down. Funny how i am still trying to be good enough for him wanting approval. I am trying to get strong and then get out. Thanks for everyone's wonderful support!

April 27, 2004
4:49 pm
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pNettie
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The only way to get strong is to find some support - someone to encourage and uplift you and help you thru the steps of breaking free. Whether its a local co-dependency group, al-alnon group, a local church.. It helps to have someone on your side. If you can't find local support. Keep posting threads and someone is always here to help. I am currently in process of breaking free myself. Different details, but same situation. I had to break free with abusive/drug addictive husband before, so know the process. This husband is passive, withdrawn, no mental energy or time for me. To many personal problems, too depressed. But same basic thing as you "rejection". I keep telling myself that its not so bad... and maybe its not.. but we are missing having our needs met and that's the bottom line. It just slowly eats away at you. For me its starting to affect my health, so seriously trying to make plans now. I left someone before, I can do it again. You will definitely come out of this a different person. I sure did... but made the mistake again as a co-dependent with a different kind of husband. Won't do it again.

September 17, 2005
2:36 pm
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Anonymous
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I know a couple who is - admittedly - in a marriage of convenience. She is 90-91 and he´s 38. I think they are negotiating well after about 17 years to the point that I sense some affection there. He replaced her deceased husband´s places around the house and she kept going out with her lady friends everywhere, while he goes to college and do the legwork in things for her. I´m sure he´s been discreet about his sex live.

But I could not do after 14 years. Specially because it started so good and remained so good for most of the time. I had more benefits than I thought necessary like extra health insurance for an air ambulance.

The day to day life counts a lot. It builds something that is supposed to evolve and stick together - so don´t use sand from Quebec which may separate 🙂 If you feel degraded with the living arrangement your husband proposed, do follow the advice of worried dad: get a settlement.

((hug))

September 17, 2005
2:44 pm
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Anonymous
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Your husbands arrangement may be convenient for him because it keeps him nice in the picture - he´d problably want you to accompany him to funerals and stuff like that. I imagine you´d then have what´s called program guys over and you may have to get a schedule to use the house. I imagine you and him throwing lalique vases and VanGogh´s pic´s at each other. 🙂 Keep healthy!

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