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Hello and update from Hurts_so_bad
March 15, 2006
3:00 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hello my cyber friends,

I haven't posted in a while, but I've been reading the threads most every day to keep up with all the news.

Nothing has changed much with me, other than the fact that I haven't heard from my ex in over a week now. The last correspondence was pretty light in content....I even suggested that his g/f give him some TLC for his soreness he was feeling from the surgery a couple of days before. He was going to leave early and go home and rest all weekend. That's the last I heard from him.

I write him a quick email every couple of days asking if he's feeling better....but so far no response. It's kind of weird. I hope he's not back in the hospital. He had seven hernias repaired at once....ouch.

I still miss him a lot and he's always on my mind, but I know he's out of my reach....sigh....will I EVER get to the point where I don't think of him every single day?

March 15, 2006
10:21 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Well, I send my final card to him today. I just cannot leave it alone. I feel so weak when it comes to him. Anyway, I wrote him and told him point blank that I was more than a little angry with him for not having the courtesy to write back when I cared enough to take the time and inquire about his health. I also told him that if he chooses to be rude like this, then obviously he doesn't give a damn how I feel.

I know what everyone is thinking. I just wanted to hear from him. That's not entirely true. I was concerned about his health because I know full well what gastric bypass surgery can do sometimes.

I was notified today that he picked up the card. So far he hasn't written back. HOw hard would it be to hit reply and say something like "thanks for asking, I'm doing fine and am fully recuperated"????????? What is up with him? And more importantly, what's up with me? Taking this crap off of him and still trying to stay in contact.....at his request I might add. He's the one that keeps insisting he doesn't want to lose contact.

Geez....I am hating men so much right now. Most of them have no clue.

March 16, 2006
8:56 am
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HSB,

Deja Vu! I don't know what else to say.

You hate ALL MEN right now?? All men do not behave like this one. Sure, SOME of them have "no clue", BUT some of them have a very good clue. They are kind, respectful, intelligent, sensitive and caring. Unfortunately, you will never meet any of them if you are un-willing to let go of your ex-bf.

TC

March 16, 2006
9:28 am
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nappy
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Hurtsobad,
You sound like a kind person who is very concern about your ex health but you can not do anything about his action. Don't let your ex action cause you to think that every man is just like him. They are not!
I know that you will be thinking about him but let it go.
If he has another girl friend then let her deal with him. You have to stop focusing so much on him. I understand that he was in the hospital and you e-mail him to see how he was doing. But if he didn't take the time to e-mail you back then let it go. Letting go does not mean to stop caring but it means that you can't do it for someone else that is not going to show you back the same attention. There are good mens out there but you have to let go of the ex first.
Have a good day!

March 16, 2006
9:45 am
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taj64
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Hi. He may write you back. He may not but the significance of it doesn't matter. Why do you want to wait around for him to write? You know the outcome already? You are not going to find the man who will give you attention that you need if you stay hung up on him. I know how you feel and I know how hard it is. Accepting that he has moved on and the accepting that contact even to be friends will make it impossible for you to get over will go a long way for you. The more you write him, the more you hurt yourself. You are not doing him any favors either by continuing to feed his ego. Just let this go, be very strong, and just deal with each day as it comes and have faith that there is a reason for you to let go of this person. I struggle with this everyday myself but I know that is for the best. I know that a few years from now I will be in a different place and not thinking about him or how hurt I got. You can do this. You have a friend here that supports you 100% and has faith that you can do this.

March 16, 2006
9:51 am
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startingover
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Hurts so bad

It does hurt - it hurts to think of someone else taking care of him, or calling herself his girlfriend. It hurts to feel discarded, to think of them together, to wonder how he's doing, etc.

It sounds like he needs no contact now for whatever reason. I know you're mad - you have a right to be...but leave it and him alone. Take care of you. That's really all you can take care of anytime, anyway.

I have my "I hate men" days, but in truth I love men, I find them fascinating, I love the way they're different, and I just love ('most) everything about them. I hope you can get over your anger...I think it's easier to be mad than hurt, though, don't you?

Take care of yourself. I hope you have a good day.

March 16, 2006
10:25 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Well, I guess I have no choice in the matter anyway.

I'll keep trying to let go. That's all that's left for me to do.

March 16, 2006
10:37 am
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taj64
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Sometimes it takes that to start realizing there is nothing you can do. That was the key for me I think. I exhausted all means, said all I needed to say, until anything I said was just a repeat. He knows how I feel, and I know how he feels yet nothing is going to change and I accept it now because it is out of my control. I cannot make him be with me. I cannot do a thing but accept the death of the relationship. What I cannot control is my thoughts of them. That definately is the hard part. I have to keep reminding myself that I should not think of him. It will take a awhile for this. I have not experienced a loss as great as this one at least my own personal loss. When you believe in something so strongly yet cannot do anything about to me is one of the hardest to accept. Life has to go on and it does. You cannot go the past because there is nothing you can do with the past, nothing can be changed. Today is it. Tomorrow you do not know. Just keep trying, HSB.

March 16, 2006
11:04 am
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HSB,

I guess I'm wondering why you give this "friendship" so much priority over everything else in your life. Why is it so important that he responds to you immediately? I have friends (very good friends) who sometimes do not reply to my e-mails for a week or two. It's not a big deal. I assume that they'll get back to me when they have a chance. I do not obsess over it. I live my life in the mean-time.

That is the piece that is missing with you, Hurts. You "act" like you are cool and fine with the new friendship status, but underneath the surface... you still have certain expectations of him. You may think that your expectations are simple (common courtesy), but honestly, he doesn't owe you a thing (even a simple reply). THAT may be the message that he is sending you by NOT responding immediately (passive aggressive). He's telling you to back off a bit. He may feel like you read much more into his contact than he intended?

I believe that he cares for you and I feel he's being honest when he says he doesn't want to lose contact with you, BUT he may just feel a bit bullied by your constant messages. When he doesn't respond, it doesn't mean he NEVER will!! It just means that he's got other stuff going on (things that take priority in his life). He wants you in his life in some capacity, but he does not want you to BE his life and he probably does not want to be the CENTER of your life either.

It's really sad because you care very deeply for him, but I think you need to look at this situation with a new set of eyes.

Whether or not he responds to your e-mails should not matter in the least in the great scheme of things. It should not define who you are, how you feel about yourself or make you assume that he does not care about you. He has set boundaries and I feel like you keep trying to cross over those boundaries. He is not doing anything wrong right now (not that he hasn't in the past), but RIGHT NOW... his only fault is not being who you WANT him to be.

I'm sorry if this hurt you. It's just that I hate seeing you hurting yourself so badly... repeatedly over this. It's really sad to watch.

I want you to be happy, HSB. WITH or WITHOUT this man in your life.

TC

March 16, 2006
11:45 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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TC - Usually, I would agree with you about returning emails. But in this case, he's just blowing me off. It would take no more than 60 seconds to hit reply and say "I'm doing fine"....and I know he read the cards I sent. All I know is that when a friend sends me an email, I will respond right away. If not the same day, then the day after. It's just polite.

He's just being "him" once more. Everything on HIS schedule, to hell with my feelings. He just might write again some day, but it won't change anything. I know that.....just more of nothing.

March 16, 2006
12:06 pm
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taj64
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In this case you know he read the card and I have to agree that it is polite to reply at the time a quickie thank you would suffice. But one cannot assume it. HSB if you know he is being "him" why accept this into your life if this is what he does? You don't need a friend like this. You probably would not think twice about it if your feeling were not involved. It looks to me like he doesn't care about your feelings, and you know this and as much as it hurts to know you;ve got to let it go because that is all you are going to get is more of nothing. There isn't anything you can do about this but to let it go unless you want to stay hurt and you don't.

March 16, 2006
12:30 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Taj - you're right. Hurt and tears is all I will ever get from this man. And no, if my feelings weren't involved, I wouldn't give this a second thought. I'd probably just blow him off as being an inconsiderate person.

I need to start over. Today.

How have you been Taj? It sounds like things are going a lot better for you lately. How did you manage it?

March 16, 2006
12:47 pm
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taj64
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Today is new day so why not make it good, and only you are responsible for happiness and that means letting go of things that hurt you. THe hurt eventually fades as you let go. Letting go is not something you do just to say it and it is over but a process. Some days you have that heartache but you just keep going. You just can't look back except at memories. That is all they are now are memories. I cannot say I am better that things are going better. For me too it is a process. I have not been able to totally be happy but I am also not living on a roller coaster ride with emotions wondering what is going to happen next. I just accept that it is what it is. I can do nothing. I don't do a lot of things I used to do or not enjoying the same things as I used to. I am trying to figure out other things. My life is more peaceful yet I do feel lonely at times. I do miss that being in love feeling. Yet I know it is better to be where I am right now than to be suffering with anxiety of being in a push pull relatinship causing me so much hurt. I find it hard to let go of him in my mind sometimes. But like anything that it is hard in life, it take time for the harder things. I know you have been dealing with this same problem for many many months. I think it is time for you to accept this part of the man you have feelings for, that it is over, that you cannot see him or talk to him, that you have to put it behind you. In this case I think I need to tell you what to do because you cannot seem to do what is best for you and a friend would do this. He is no good for you. As much as he would like to be the one for you, he cannot. He won't be. He can't be. It hurts like the devil to accept but you must accept it, accept the hurt, and let it go. Don't punish yourself anymore. You don't deserve it.

March 16, 2006
1:03 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Taj - thanks for those kind words. Of course, you are right. You are living it right now. And that's what I need to do....starting today.

I will somehow find the strength to take one day at a time and when he comes into my mind, I will try very hard to focus on something else.

Did I mention that I'm going to be a grandmother? Me...who would have thought? The baby is due in August, so you see, I do have other things that I should be focusing on, but I just let him take over my life.

And of course there's my ex-hubby who I know would still like to have a relationship with me. He's never given up on me.

Then there's my mom who needs me. It's only been 3 months since we lost my Dad and there's still an awful lot to take care of.

March 16, 2006
1:20 pm
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We are alike. My ex husband always would like to get back together and doens't ever give up but I don't want to get back.

So you are going to be a grandmother? That definately will brighten your world. You have let him taken over your life. Now it is time to surrender and let life take hold of you. I know how you feel. I remember awhile ago for long time I would get the urges to call or write. Now I do not. I did about a month ago remember and remember how I was after that. It took a week for me to recover from that but it was also good for me to write because I had resolved something that I wanted to because I said something that I needed to say that was left unaddressed and I was able to let him know that I was not to be blamed for something that really was his fault. So I felt good about that not have that thorn in me in my recovering process. As time goes on without the contact, the less you get that urge. Of course it is not always easy on the mind, no but knowing that I won't email or call that if I do it only hurts me helps me to move along. It is ok to feel your feelings, just don't react on them. As I am helping you, I am also helping myself you know. And I could easily be a grandmother too. I surely hope not though. My son is 17 and has had steady girlfriend. The thought of it appears in my mind because of this, but I hope I am not a grandmother for awhile.

By the time the baby gets here, you should be feeling a bit more settled down with the heart. I hope so. As long as you stay committed to staying away and to letting go.

I am getting a dog this weekend. He is golden retriever about 3 years old. So that is going to be very helpful for me especially in the coming months. Im a little nervous yet excited at the same time. So change is good.

March 16, 2006
1:47 pm
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Hey hurts...are you still sending notes to that guy?!

Why in the world would you be doing that? You have so much going for you and so much to offer someone...why are you wasting it on someone who doesn't even respond? I agree with tc on one point, and that is that I don't always get right back to people when they send me casual emails. I tend to follow the 24 hour rule...I try to get back to calls and notes within 24 hours. BUT...I think he is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't have interest in a relationship of any kind with you. I would take his disinterest as my signal to move on...and find someone else worthy of my affections; he's a grown man, and surely has other people capable of taking care of him, and looking after him after his surgery.

And speaking of those worthy of affection...congratulations on your forthcoming grandmotherhood! Having the baby around will be a wonderful way to lavish your attention and affection, that event could be life-changing for you...how exciting!--2b

March 16, 2006
1:47 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Taj,

How exciting to be getting a puppy. I LOVE dogs, but I live in a condo, so I'll have to wait and get another one until I retire. I do have a cat though and I love her to death. šŸ™‚

I remember when I got my first puppy....he was a lot of work, but very worth it! You'll have lots of fun with yours, housebreaking, walking, playing...but don't be upset if he makes mistakes and maybe starts chewing things he shouldn't...like maybe your shoes, couch...lol...my puppy did all those things when he was bored and lonely while I was at work.

My daughter has been married for 3 years and this will be their first baby. They are soooo excited. They had a sonogram done last week and it confirms it's a boy. Needless to say, the dad is ecstatic.

I think we'll both heal and be able to start embracing life once again. It'll take time and I'm glad I have someone to talk to that's in the same boat as I am - not to mention all the others on this Board who have been an absolute rock for me so many, many times. šŸ™‚

March 16, 2006
1:49 pm
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thanks 2bstrong. Yes, I'm still writing.....why? Because I can't let go apparently. Still keep trying though. That's all I can do.

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