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Helllpppp!! Please read on boundaries
February 3, 2005
10:39 am
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kc30
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Posted earlier about boundaries- I addressed issue with my husband...this is what I wrote:

I am not comfortable with the list that you made. I fully support the idea of dividing major household responsibilities- perhaps selecting days for tasks to occur, and determining who will do them on those days is the best way to ensure that labour is divided equally. I liked your schedule on the back, so maybe we can turn that into a flexible living document. Thanks for the initiative you took on this matter.

As for the specific details- if you need these things to ensure that you are comfortable and at peace in the home, then I would encourage you to take the onus upon yourself to ensure that they are completed.

My bedroom is off-limits- it is my own personal living space, and I will manage it as I see fit. I would encourage you to close the door and stay out if my standards cause you discomfort.

I would also encourage you to look for solutions within yourself before directing your attention to me. I have the right to live as I see fit, in a manner that is comfortable and peaceful for me, without disapproval or judgement. This will rarely match what is comfortable and peaceful to you. I accept this as reality, and encourage you to do the same. If we are to make this arrangement work, it will be necessary for you to accept me as I am, and the way I choose to live my life (and I must do the same in turn for you) Expecting me to live according to your standards, or vice versa, is a surefire recipe for disaster. I'll leave it with you.

I trust we are both working toward the same goals…peace and acceptance of each other, and I am sure with compromise, we can find a solution that works for both of us. I apologize for my initial indirectness…boundary setting is new and sometimes unsettling for me. I appreciate your support and understanding as I work my recovery.
Peace in your day

This is the response I got from him....
hey,
sorry for causing you uncomfort and stress,...... blah blah blha

more direct - go fuck yourself. I know you think it's all about you and your living the life and healing and ablah ablah blah

we are not on the same page - if you thought we were, you've decieved yourself. I am on the page of whatever is best for the children.. You've obviously got enough to look after without any more concerns / stress. blah blah ablha

thanks for staying out of the cave blah blah

"you've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend"
Dylan

Soo....tell me...was what I said really that offensive? I can take truth, but I didn't see it that way at all.

Please help....

February 3, 2005
10:52 am
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addicts wife
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WHAT A PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!
that ws my first response, as i read the part when It was your letter to him I was saying" thats GREAT, go GIRL!!! that sounds totally reasonable..." then i read his response, and my jaw dropped on my keyboard!!!!!!
He needs a psychiatrist.. or something of the sort... He is obvioously thratened BY you having boundaries, and standing up to his need to use you as a door mat, and suffocate you under his thumb, and that is INSANITY..... He is not even able to take responsibility for his actions, he has just tried to Flip it in your face to the point youve questioned yourself, and what youve said or not said... What a prickle!!!
YOU did the right thisng in your letter, andREASONABLe boundaries and requests... PERIOD. you have very right to lay down what will and what will not work for you, and he doesnt respect it, becasue he cant compartmentalize it/ or you.... I'd probably go unmake his bed, and move all that is palced "just so" slightly esque... But I can be immature in my thoughts, that i dont allow myself to act on... YOU didnt do a thing wrong, TRY and NOT give him the power to let you tihnk you did.

February 3, 2005
10:55 am
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marley
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I didn't think it was offensive, but then I am an outside observer to the situation. I think that when people are really emotional about things, they tend to get quite defensive. I mean you can only know what your issues are and not his. Likely he was coming from his own place with that response.

February 3, 2005
11:18 am
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gazelle
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Hmmm ... poor you. He HAS got personality problems! Sounds like he is trying to exonerate himself there. To sound perfect and beyond criticism. (That figures, bearing in mind what you said on the other thread about his upbringing being more about appearances than inner realities.)He seems very vulnerable and self-protective to an unacceptable degree. Too self-preoccupied to be properly aware of his effect on you. This is immature and unkind - though common enough, alas.
I detect bitterness and sarcasm from him, whilst appearing reasonable on the surface.
Saying "sorry" and "thanks" make him sound ok and feel ok about himself. But the barbed remark about his motives being for the children is unkind, 'cos it implies that yours aren't. This won't do. Point out calmly that you love your children too. Uniquely. As only you can. And that your love and imput are just as precious and valuable to them as his.

Also: there is nothing wrong with being friendly & respectful - as you were. There is nothing to be ashamed of about seeking healing either. Good for you!
Perhaps he shouldn't be so rigid as to stay stuck on some 'page'. Why is he afraid to try reading the whole book???! Perhaps reading a few more 'pages' in his mind & heart would do him good. Ask him, politely, to try turning the page and seeing the situation from YOUR angle too, and respecting your genuine attempts towards a lifestyle free of frustration and upset.

As for saying: "you've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend" - Ouch!I know that must sting. But STAY COOL! He sounds quite a rational control-freak, as they go; so if you show him how reasonable YOU are - how honest and genuine - then he will HAVE to respond in kind, for fear of appearing bad or unreasonable himself!
You could reply:
"Thank you! Yes - it did take a lot of nerve ... a lot of hurt and thought and courage ... and I am proud to be learning to set boundaries for myself whilst still offering you sincere friendship. I hope you will feel able to show sincerity and friendship too. Then life will be more peaceful for us both."
Good luck & blessings - Gazelle.

February 3, 2005
11:25 am
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addicts wife
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WAY TO GO Gazelle!!!!! I loved your response!!! Stay calm cool and collected... I somehow just got shocked and my brain went into teeneaged angst mode.. (sadly I havent bee na teenager for 14 years...) but those are my own issues, I learned from your post. gazelle, thank you!!~ *aw*

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