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heartbroken male: should no contact include her daughter
January 13, 2006
3:47 pm
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I have not contacted my ex in about 10 days. It has been painfully difficult but I am getting by. One of the last things she said to me was please don't forget about her daughter who I had become closte with. Today my therapist told me it would not be in my best interest to maintain a relationship with the daughter. At least for the time being. That hurts. I just bought her a little outfit that I was hoping to mail to her. She is only 9 and I have known her since she was 4. Is my therapist right, should I have no contact with the daughter as well.

January 13, 2006
3:54 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi Hopeful

i think her daughter can become a 'reason' for you to have contact with each other.

She might become the 'middle' for you to have contact.

Garfield

January 13, 2006
3:58 pm
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Anonymous
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As single mom - I think it's wrong for a boyfriend to try to stay in contact with the child.

It puts the child in a bad position.

this child is not old enough to know how to deal with you independent of mom.

and if you aren't a part of mom's life, it's hard for her to understand why you and mom can't be together, but you can be with her.

and there is a question of loyalty - she loves her mom but doesn't want to hurt her by continuing to love you.

plus - she could easily become a pawn between you.

plus - if mom starts dating again and she slips and tells you - will it hurt?...how will she know what's okay to talk to you about and what's not.

overall, this is not healthy for the little girl....she will hurt to lose you - but that's one of those guilt things we single mom's have ot deal with.

January 13, 2006
4:39 pm
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garfield9547
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Hopeful

Are you still online?

January 13, 2006
5:07 pm
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I am here and taking all the advice to heart. I am torn. Her father has not been there for her. I don't want her or my ex to think I too am an emotional deadbeat or that I don't care.

January 13, 2006
5:17 pm
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garfield9547
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I really understand. Such a difficult position to be in.

I do not know what to sya to you.

Garfield

January 13, 2006
5:21 pm
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bonni
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Could you ask the therapist how you should break things off with the daughter so that she doesn't feel like its her fault? I worry what this could do to her self esteem & I see the points of the other. How long have you been in the daughter's life? If she thinks of you as her Dad, it could be traumatic for her.

January 13, 2006
5:29 pm
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I have known her for 5 years. She, her mother, and I have done alot of traveling together and family oriented activities. I have know idea how she feels right now. She is young so it might not be a big deal to her. I don't know.

January 13, 2006
5:32 pm
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bonni
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Hopeful,
i'm so sorry you are going through this.
bonni

January 13, 2006
5:46 pm
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Shaney
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I think that I would leave it up to her mother to contact you if she thinks that a relationship with her daughter is something that she thinks is a good idea. And even at that point, it seems like an unstable sort of situation. To take it upon yourself, may put everyone involved in an odd place - the mom, the daughter, and not to mention the new bf. Any attempts at you trying to maintain a relationship with her 9 year old daughter may also be viewed by all involved as a cheap attempt at remaining in her mother's life as well. I would leave this alone.

January 13, 2006
5:55 pm
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I have decided to leave it alone. However I am going to email my ex and let her know why I haven't contacted her daughter. I don't feel comfortable with them thinking that I don't care anymore. It won't be a desperate plea for a reconciliation or a 'please pity me' email. I will post the email in the next few days before I send it to her.

January 13, 2006
6:06 pm
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Shaney
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hopeful - you seem like a really caring guy. I know that you want to do the right thing, for all of the right reasons - whether it's to protect your own feelings, or make sure someone elses aren't hurt.

It's been 10 days, and I think you're really doing a better job than you give yourself credit for. Running things by the people here, is a great idea, especially when you may be acting on emotion and impulse these days - wow... we've all been there... and an objective opinion can make the difference between steps forward, and setbacks. Hang in there, as difficult as it can get sometimes, know that you're part way there already. One step and one day at a time! Good will come from you being strong.

January 13, 2006
6:34 pm
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Matteo
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I have a little bit different perspective. I was in a position of that child. My mother got married after my father passed away and divorced him after quite short time. I really liked him a lot, we did the "family" things togethr, vacations, etc. People thought that I am his child.

After the short and ugly divorce he never contacted me again, although he said it was not about me. Of course it wasn't, but it didn't help much. I felt that we shoul maintain a relationship for me, for our sake, not because or despite of my mother. I felt like I was treated as a part of my mother, not as an individual.

Over time, I saw children being hurt by mother's boyfriends who never look back at the children they were raising. How would you behave if that was your child? After all she knows you for most of her life. I would consider this child's feelings more, much more. If she doesn't like you very much, you can diminish contact over time. If she loves you she will hurt for a long time, feeling rejected, if you will not keep in touch. You have to judge.

January 13, 2006
6:46 pm
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Shaney
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Very true, Matteo. Now that you mention it, that is a very valid and true point. It's a tough one, and definitely depends on the details of the situation. This man that your mom married was basically your stepfather for a short while - I can see where this would hurt you. I too, had a stepfather and he did keep in contact with me after he and my mom split (they were together 15 years). I can't imagine if he hadn't. So, good point.

January 14, 2006
1:47 pm
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I am going to post the email. feedback appreciated.

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