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heartbroken male: email re ex daughter
January 14, 2006
2:09 pm
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This is not an attempt to communicate with my ex. I do genuinely feel bad about not seeing her daughter, although I don't want to seem pitiful. As always feedback isappreciated. email:
--Hope all is good.
I have been trying to be smart with my contact with the girls. I constantly think about reaching out to them. I thought about it long and hard and decided it would not be fair to you, your new bf, or the girls to try to remain relevant in their lives. I have been adviced that my relationship with them could potentially cause confusion and guilt. M is a difficult person to read when it comes to her emotions. My feeling is that she is surrounded by so many people, that love her, to notice I haven't been around. I don't want you or M to think I no longer care about her. You know I love her. And staying away has been difficult. However, people smarter than me have suggested that this is the best thing for all people involved. I guess this email is more selfserving than anything in that I don't want to be perceived as a deadbeat. I will cherish all the moments I got to spend with you guys as a "family". No need to respond-- Don't be confused the last part was still part of the email.

January 14, 2006
2:41 pm
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Matteo
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hopefull32,

I hope that the decision you've made will be the best for everybody involved, especially you and the little girl. Take care.

January 14, 2006
3:10 pm
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overcome
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I would not send that e-mail. It will come off as an attempt to contect her. I would hold off and stay strong. You have no obligation to explain why you have not or will not contact the little girl.

In my opinion, this would be a big mistake to send this.

Its time to move on.

January 15, 2006
1:22 am
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alycia
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If i were u i would put in it, i believe this is the best thing rather than people have advised me... If it were me recieving it i would think, doesn't he have a mind of his own? Is this the same guy whose girlfriend was harrassing him physically and messaging from a net cafe at one stage? The one who worked from 7 til 3 and got quite attacked for falling asleep on the couch? No offence she sounded very bad and i think she used the abortion a bit too much for her abuse. Won't add more til i know its the same person, i may have it totally wrong, good luck with it

January 15, 2006
9:08 am
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Alycia
I am happy to say you have the wrong person. I can't say a bad word about my ex. We simply didn't work out. I appreciate the input. I maybe using this site as a crouch but had I not been posting I probably would have done something very stupid.

January 15, 2006
1:05 pm
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Shaney
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Overall, I think this is a healthy email. In my opinion, with a couple of small changes, I think that you should show this to your therapist, to see what his/her opinion might be.

Hope all is good. I have been trying to be smart with my contact with the girls. I constantly think about reaching out to them. I thought about it long and hard and decided it would not be fair to you, your new bf, or the girls to try to remain relevant in their lives.(After much thought, and considering the advice of several people), (I feel) that my relationship with them could potentially cause confusion and guilt.

(M is a difficult person to read when it comes to her emotions. My feeling is that she is surrounded by so many people, that love her, to notice I haven't been around.)-this last part sounds a little projecty to me. I mean, she may have people around her that love her, but of course she notices you haven't been around. I read this part as though you may want some reassurance that she DOES notice that you're not around. Know what I mean?

I don't want you or M to think I no longer care about her. You know I love her. And staying away has been difficult. However, (I feel that this may be) the best thing for all people involved.

(I guess this email is more selfserving than anything in that I don't want to be perceived as a deadbeat.) - I'm not sure how I feel about this part, hopeful. Coming from someone that doesn't seem to be selfserving, to me - I read this as seeming a little selfish - like you care what people think of you more than how the little girl may feel, for example. I don't know if I'm reading too much into this... what do you think? How about something like, "At the risk of being perceived as a deadbeat, this decision is in no way selfserving - I've always had M's best interest at heart, and I'm just trying to do what may be best for her in the long run." - I don't know... what are your thoughts on this?

I will cherish all the moments I got to spend with you guys as a "family".

Hopeful, it's really hard to know what to do in a case like this - there are SO many people to consider. And the big mystery in all this, is you don't know what M's mother has told her about the situation, or if you will or won't fit into M's life. It's ultimately her mom's decision - and the email may help her to make that decision. I would ask your therapist first, before sending it. Another thing to consider is how hard this may be for YOU to have a relationship with M, and not her mom. This may be too difficult for you at this point - think long and hard about that. I wouldn't want to be in your position! But, that said, I think you're a very caring person. Good luck.

January 15, 2006
7:46 pm
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Shaney,
Good stuff. I may hold on to it til I see my therapist however we don't meet again for two weeks. I am sure I will have sent it by then. This is a very tough situation. I am really trying to be smart about it. I don't want to do something that will hurt more than help everyone involved. This little girl and I have taken several trips without the mom and she is the closest thing I have to a daughter. Although at times she can be very aloof and unaffected. That is why I would not be surprised if she didn't miss me.

January 16, 2006
1:06 pm
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Shaney
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You know, hopeful... in this situation, I don't think it would hurt to wait a little while to decide if having the daughter back in your life will pan out to be a good thing or not. I don't think there is any urgency about this situation where you can't just sit back and weigh all possible options before you make a definite decision.

Keep in mind that it has to be good for YOU, before it's good for anyone else. I think you'd be taking on a lot of new emotional baggage, by playing "pseudo father" to this girl. Mainly because you've only played this role while in a "family" situation, as you described. This would be a whole different set of circumstances - you'd be like the outsider looking in. I think, in reading how devastated you've been because of the breakup, that this would be REALLY unbearable for you. I don't know... what do you think about putting yourself in that postion so soon after the breakup? That's why I think there is no harm in waiting. Wait to see if you become stronger and can see yourself handling the situation with a stronger perspective. Wait to see if the mother contacts you regarding a relationship between you and her daughter... she may, but then again, she might decide that it's not a good idea. A little time would probably make this situation a little more clear for everyone, and give all involved a chance to decide what's really best. Two weeks wouldn't be too long to wait - and you can get your therapists view on the matter.

I just don't want to see you make some knee-jerk decision and then end up emotionally devastated because of the results. Trust that time is on your side - there's no need for you to panic or worry that you need to make a decision right now. Take care :o)

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